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Original script by: Squaresoft
MSTed by: Nightshade and Materia
A/N and disclaimer… We’d like to give a quick acknowledgement to two particular MSTer’s of Final Fantasy games those influences may show in our work and they are the great and all powerful Sarah the Boring and Captain Chaotica…we mean it only as a tribute to your great works. And lastly we don’t own Final Fantasy IX Squaresoft does, anything else we care to mention is copyright to whoever owns it. In fact the only things in this MST we own is ourselves…so that should just about do it.
Nightshade: Hey all welcome to our first ever attempt at a MSTing and…
Materia: Are you trying to put them off before they even start reading or something? Gawd I mean if you tell them th…ouch!
Nightshade: *puts away stick and coughs*…anyways as I was saying this is our first MSTing and boy it’s a big one. For over the course of several months…
Materia: More like years actually…but meh.
Nightshade: Ahem…we will be MSTing the script of Final Fantasy Nine. So sit back and enjoy.
Materia: It’s a trick people run for you lives an…Ouch!
Nightshade: *puts the stick away again*…Save it for the script.
________________________________________________________________
[FMV. A big storm at sea, waves crashing & harsh winds, and a boat. The boat is being tossed around by the storm.
Materia: You know…that actually looks like fun…
Nightshade: Sure…*pulls out mobile phone just in case she needs to phone the MiW*
Two people, faces unseen, are on the boat. A huge wave tosses the ship in the air, before crashing it down. A close-up of the faces shows someone who looks like Princess Garnet.
Materia: Are we supposed to even know who Garnet is yet?
Nightshade: Only if your one of those peeps who actually bothers to read the instruction manual before starting the game…I never did actually.
Materia: Only cause your game…*muffled words*
Nightshade: *with shifty eyes and a hand over Materia’s mouth* Shhh do you want everyone to know.
Instantly, the scene shifts towards a scene with Garnet, sitting outside a window, waking up.
Materia: (as Garnet) Outside? Wahhhhh…(as herself) and she goes splat, game over can we go now *gets up to leave*
Nightshade: *pushes her back down* No way sister you don’t get outta this that easily.
Materia: Gawd! *folds arms and pouts*
Rubbing the fatigue from her eyes, she looks out the window. We see a large overview of Alexandria, followed by birds flying in the sky,
Materia: As opposed to the birds swimming under the sea of course.
and the Lindblum Theatre Ship, flying in the air. Inside the ship, a rat-tailed boy jumps down, walks forward, opens a door, and enters a dark room.]
Sure is dark... Guess nobody's here yet...
Nightshade: Wow wonder what gave that away.
Materia: Suddenly the lights go on and various people shout “SURPRISE!”. Rat-tailed boy snuffs it from a heart attack…game over.
Nightshade: *ties Materia to her chair* Stop doing that!
[He lights a match, then lights a candle.]
Voice: Who's there?
Nightshade: (as rat-tailed boy) Just the mailman…not a no good rat-tailed thief cum actor that’s for sure.
Materia: (as rat-tailed boy) No one, it’s just your imagination again.
[Name the character]
Materia: Bob!
Nightshade: Cloud!
Materia: *rolls her eyes* Gee wonder what your fave Final Fantasy is…?
Nightshade: VI actually so ner *sticks tongue out*
Zidane: It's me, Zidane!
Materia: (in a French accent) Je suis Zidane, Zinedane Zidane and where exactly am I?
Nightshade: Ack he’s French, keell him!
[Three characters - Blank, Cinna, and Marcus - open another door and run in]
Materia: Darn I was hoping they’d be monsters…
Nightshade: Stop trying to kill the protagonist!
Blank: Hey, Zidane! You sure are late!
Nightshade: (as Blank) Yeah you missed all the *shifty eyes* action.
Materia: I don’t even wanna know what you meant there!
Nightshade: *innocent look* Nothing…
Zidane: Sorry. So, where's the boss?
Materia: (as Zidane) Cause if he finds out Zidane been bad boy, Zidane might get put in the dark place again. *cries* Zidane no be bad, Zidane be good boy.
Cinna: Ain't here yet.
Nightshade: (as Cinna) Na he’s off auditioning to be the Big Bad Wolf in the Theatre District’s “The Three Little Pigs” next week.
[Someone jumps down, with the head of a dragon. Battle ensues.
Materia: Ohhh fight, fight, fight! They all get killed by the dragon headed thing the end!
Nightshade: Will you stop that!
By the end of the battle, it's revealed that the one you were fighting was Baku, leader of Tantalus, a.k.a. "Boss"]
Materia: a.k.a Big Bad Bertha
Nightshade: a.k.a The Incredible Sneezing Man…who hold’s Gaia’s record for having the longest running cold!
Baku: Hey, fools!
Materia: Argh its Barret in disguise!
You're lookin' a lot better! Gwahahaha!
Nightshade: (as Baku) Seriously I thought you were all gonna die when you caught my cold…Gwahahaha!
Alright! Let's start this meeting already!
Nightshade: (as Baku) The Tantalus weight watchers group is now in session!
Materia: (as Cinna) Gasp! Baku has put on weight BOO! *the group proceeds to stab him and throw cottage cheese at him*.
[The four of them follow Baku into an adjacent room. In there, the 5 of them surround a table, with a construct of the Castle of Alexandria on the table]
Materia: (as Marcus) Alexandria! I thought we were going to Burmecia!
Baku: Here's the plan!
Materia: (as Baku) We’re gonna get us lots of those new Slim Fast diet drinks that Queen Brahne had her scholars create then we’re gonna fly back to Lindblum and discover it’s secret…this time next week we’ll be millionaires Gwahahaha!
Tantalus, the infamous band of daring thieves (that's us), is headin' to the Kingdom of Alexandria...
Nightshade: (as Marcus) We’re actors…aren’t we? An’ I still say we’re going to Burmecia!
Materia: (as Blank) Where were you at the briefing in Lindblum Marcus!?
Nightshade: (as Marcus) *hangs head shamefully* I was on the can…
Our mission: to kidnap the heir to the throne, Princess Garnet!
Materia: (as Baku) Or was it kidnap Queen Brahne…I forgot.
Cinna: I'll take it from here, so listen up!
Nightshade: (as Cinna) I’m taking over this band now mwahahaha!
Our ship's about to dock at Alexandria...And when it does, we're gonna put on our costumes...
Nightshade: (as Cinna) No nicking the purple satin dress and blonde wig, they’re mine!
...and perform 'I Want to Be Your Canary,' the most popular play in Alexandria!
Materia: (as Cinna) After the Rocky Horror Picture show of course but our…alterations will fix that.
Break a leg, Marcus! ‘Cause you're playin' the lead!
Nightshade: (as Marcus) Break a leg?…ok then *snapping sound is heard*…Ouch!
Marcus: Leave the actin' to me! Of course, the real kidnappers'll be Blank and Zidane.
Materia: (as Marcus) Cause they can’t act for oglop sauce.
Blank: I'll distract the audience from backstage with these little buggers. I can't stand oglops...
Nightshade: (in a girly voice) Cause they’re like so ewwww.
But I'll manage, so don't worry about me. And that'll be your cue, Zidane.
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Wha? We’re playing pool now?
Zidane: Okay!
[Choose between "That's when I kidnap Queen Brahne, right?" or "That's when I kidnap Princess Garnet, right?". Choose the latter choice]
Materia: Hey the nasty scripts telling us what to do…lousy good for nothing…
Baku: You bet! You're gonna kidnap the most babe-ilicious beauty in all of Alexandria, Princess Garnet!
Nightshade: Babe-ilicious…ok firstly, that is NOT a word. Secondly, that is so sexist!
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[FMV. An orange-yellowish sky is above Alexandria.
Materia: Actually its meteor…just don’t tell anyone…they might panic.
A small black mage,
Nightshade: It’s Orco!!!
Materia: And due to budget cuts he now has to walk…it’d explain why he stumbles a lot, he ain’t used to it.
Nightshade: It’s not due to his very baggy clothing at all nope!
walking and stumbling, looks up to see the massive Theatre Ship pass overhead, casting a shadow over him.
Materia: Hey that must be a new spell, shadow!
Nightshade: Shadow, like Blind only better!
The ship moves into place, near Alexandria castle. The crystal, in the centre of the castle, is focused upon, as the words "FINAL FANTASY IX" appear on the screen]
Materia: Cause you know, they like to make sure that they know we’re playing Final Fantasy IX.
_______________________________________________________________________
[Action resumes in Alexandria.
Materia: As opposed to Midgar, or Balamb Garden, or just a town even.
The black mage stumbles and falls down, dropping his ticket. The word "ALEXANDRIA" appears on the screen.
Nightshade: Cause we didn’t know we were there y’know.
A small person walks up to him]
Nightshade: Looks like a kid to me.
Kid: You awright?
Nightshade: Yep, that’s a kid alright.
Materia: Here we go with the no name characters *sighs* I’m so gonna get confused
Here! You dwopped your ticket. Bye-bye!
Nightshade: (as black mage) Yes bye nameless kid who I’ll never see again.
[You can now take control of the black mage, whose name is simply "??????"
Materia: Ohhhh nice name.
at the moment. After a bit of walking, a Rat Kid bumps into the black mage, and both fall down]
Nightshade: Wait, how come he drops his ticket when he trips over but when someone runs into him at full pelt he manages to keep hold of the darn thing!
Rat Kid: Oww!
Materia: Like duh!
Why you--get outta my way!!!
Nightshade: I tried to avoid him once no matter how hard you try you can’t you know.
Materia: That might be cause it’s part of the story dumbass!
Nightshade: Ahhh shut up!
[Next screen...]
Herald: Honourable nobles of Treno... Castle Alexandria is this way!
Materia: (As Herald) Actually it’s the other way, I just wanna rob you.
[Honks his horn, as a group of nobles walks off the screen.
Nightshade: (in a sinister tone) To their impending doom Mwhahaha!
The black mage walks to the next screen and approaches the Ticket Booth] Ticket master: Can I help you, son?"
Materia: (as ticket master) Son! There you are, why’d you run away? I missed you.
Nightshade: (as black mage) Daddy!
Pointy-Hat Boy: Uh... Umm...
[Choose between "Show Ticket", "What's showing today?", "Tell me about Alexandria!", or "Leave". Choose "Show Ticket".]
Materia: Stupid script…doesn’t let me have any fun.
Ticket master: What's this? There's something odd about this ticket...
Nightshade: (as Ticket master) Why yes it’s actually a treasure map…stuff this job I quit!
Why, it's another fake! I've seen so many today.
Materia: Yes…I bet he’s seen so many…and that’s why there’s a bunch of his sons on the other side of the booth looking shady and selling tickets for 300 gil a pop.
Pointy-Hat Boy: Nooooo!
Nightshade:(as pointy hat boy) I really wanted to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show too!
Materia: Hey I thought his name was ??????...lousy lying script!
Ticket master:Now, now. Don't cry. I know how you must feel.
Materia: *rolls eyes* Yeah sure ya do!
Here, I'll give you these. Do try to cheer up now, hmm?
[Received Goblin Card, Fang Card, Skeleton Card]
Nightshade: (as pointy hat boy) God these cards are lousy, I can’t even start a game with these damn it!
Talk to Alleyway Jack to learn most about cards. Good luck, lad!
Materia: (as Ticket master) And other…fascinating things.
________________________________________________________________________
[The black mage walks into a nearby alley, where someone is hammering away at a sign. He trips and falls.]
Materia: What the Someone or the mage?
Someone: I am offended! Don’t bring me into this!
Dante the Sign maker: Blast it! Hey! You made me miss, you little klutz!
Nightshade: Miss what? Look bub if you missed The Simpsons or whatever it’s hardly his fault for tripping is it?
Whew. That should do it. Well, it's been a long day.
Materia: What making it look like you were working by hammering at the same sign all day…whatever ya lazy bum!
[Walks away, leaving the ladder he was using behind]
Nightshade: Mmmm yes, very convenient…guess he really was missing the Simpsons or something.
Materia: The story dear, it’s for the story *shakes head*.
Rat Kid: Hey, you! Shrimp! You're the one with the phoney ticket, ain'tcha? I saw the guy tell you it was fake!
[Choose between "Y-Yeah, it's fake", "N-No, it's not fake", or "Are you Alleyway Jack?". Pick the first choice.]
Materia: *cries* Hide me from the evil, manipulating script mommy!
Nightshade: I ain’t your mommy, get off!
I'll let you see the show if you become my slave!
Nightshade: Hmm hard choice that one…Is the Rocky Horror Picture Show worth your freedom?
Materia: Well it is good…
Well, whaddya say?
[Choose between "Alright" or "N-No, I don't want to". Pick the first choice.]
Materia: Kill the script, kill the script! *tries to pound the screen*
Nightshade: *hits her with her stick* Bad Materia, DOWN! I thought I tied you up anyways…*puts stick away*
Awesome! Now for your first assignment!
Nightshade: Homework already…argh!
You go stand over there and see if anyone's comin'!
[The Pointy-Hat Boy runs to the entrance of the alley and keeps a lookout. On the opposite side of the alley is the Rat Kid]
Materia: If The Pointy-hat boy had gone to the other side of the alley it’s pretty obvious that Rat Kid would be on the opposite side! I mean…duh!
Rat Kid: All clear?
[Choose between "Yeah, it's clear" or "I think someone's coming". Pick the first choice.]
Materia: Let me at it! *is stopped by Nightshade’s stick*
Awesome! Engage according to mission parameters!
[The rat kid runs up to the ladder, grabs it over his head, and runs off the screen]
Materia: Heh, engage! It’s Gaia’s answer to Jean Luc Picard!...Still at least Rat Kid doesn’t point which way to go every time he says it.
Rat Kid: Over here! Don't fall behind! Into the steeple!
Nightshade: (as Pointy-Hat Boy) Gah to much information…can’t process *faints*.
[The Pointy Hat Boy follows him into the steeple]
Rat Kid: Now we're gonna climb up this tower! It's very dangerous. You go first.
Materia: Such manners.
[The black mage walks up to the ladder going up the steeple. He looks up, only to have a moogle fall down on him]
Oww!
Materia: Duh!
Nightshade: (as moogle, landing on pointy hat) YEOW! *fly’s back up into the air*
Rat Kid: Ahahaha! What the heck was that!?
Nightshade: (as rat kid) Was is…oh it’s just you klutz!
Moogle: Sorry ‘bout that, Kupo!
Rat Kid: That's Kupo. He's a moogle.
Kupo: Kupo!
Materia: Argh, it’s like a pokemon. Noooooooooooo!
Rat Kid: And this is slave number one! Try to get along, okay?
Kupo: Kupo! Pleased to meet you!
Nightshade: (as pointy-hat boy) Bite me, stupid moogle.
Materia: (as Kupo) Ok *bites*
Nightshade: (as pointy-hat boy) Yeow...get it off! *shakes it off*.
Materia: (as Kupo) Mmm taste like chicken kupo!
Kupo: I sorry. I enter you in Moogle Diary! If you want to save game onto MEMORY CARD, just ask us moogles, Kupo! And you can regain health if you have a Tent, Kupo!
Materia and Nightshade: Zzzzzzzzzz
You understand?
[Choose between "I understand" or "Once more...". Pick the first choice]
Materia: For once no arguments there.
Glad I can help, Kupo!
Nightshade: The only thing you helped us do was get a few seconds sleep now go away!
Rat Kid: Alright, time for some upward mobility!
Materia: But I wanna go down! *fakes a huff*
[Rat Kid climbs up the steeple ladder, with his ladder in hand]
Okay, come on up, slave!
[A different-looking moogle walks onto the screen]
Materia: Arghhh! They’re breeding *hides*
Moogle: Kupo! You here?
Kupo: Kupo! Stiltzkin! Why that getup?
Nightshade: (as Kupo) Drag was so last week Stiltzkin!
You leaving, Kupo?
Materia: *perks up* Please say you are…wait Kupo’s leaving? I…I’m lost *cries*
Stiltzkin: Yeah, and this time I might be away for a long time.
Materia: Forever would be nice, two moogles on the same screen is confusing.
Kupo: I'll miss you, Kupo.
Nightshade: Argh you’re Kupo, he’s Stiltzkin, get it right!!! I bet moogles would be a director’s worse nightmare…
Stiltzkin: Now, don't you worry. I'll write.
Materia: (as Stiltzkin) …you a Dear Kupo letter as soon as I can be bothered too.
Kupo: Okay, Kupo!
Nightshade: (as Kupo) *cries* But I’ll still think of you.
Stiltzkin: Well, I'm off. Take care! Oh, and say hi to Mosh in the castle for me.
Nightshade: (as Stilzkin) Cause I sure as hell ain’t the annoying little twit!
[Stiltzkin walks off screen the same way he walked on]
Pointy-Hat Boy: Was that a friend of yours?
Materia: No…it wasn’t he just had that convo with a complete stranger you know.
Kupo: Yes, Kupo. A very special one, Kupo!!!
Nightshade: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more.
Rat Kid: Hey, slave! I thought I ordered you up here!!!
Nightshade: (as pointy-hat boy) But I thought you ordered a Big Mac and fries!
[The Pointy-Hay Boy climbs up the ladder, coming face-to-face with the ladder-holding Rat Kid]
Materia: (as pointy-hat boy) But if you’ve got the ladder then gahhhhh…(as herself) and splat one dead mage!
Rat Kid: Alright, the play's gonna start if we don't hurry!
_______________________________________________________________________
[Next screen, Rat Kid is walking over rooftops. The black mage, afraid of heights, hesitates]
Materia: As you obviously would, being afraid of heights and all.
Rat Kid: Come on! Get over here! Lemme guess... You're afraid of heights, aren't you?
Nightshade: How’d you ever figure that one out!?
It's okay! Just pretend you're on the ground!
Materia: (as Rat Kid) Only the ground is only as thick as a plank of wood.
[The Pointy-Hat Boy walks across a piece of wood to another rooftop]
Come on, already! We're runnin' outta time!
[The Pointy-Hat Boy comes to another piece of wood connecting two rooftops]
Rat Kid: Not again...Don't worry! It won't fall!
[As the Pointy-Hat Boy crosses the wood, it breaks and he jumps off at the last moment]
Hahaha... I guess it fell.
Materia: And the Mage dies of shock…the end
Nightshade: Are you gonna do that at every opportunity?
Materia: And why not?
No point in worrying now, right?
Nightshade: No, there’s no need to worry that he could have died a couple of seconds ago, not at all…nope!
[He follows the Rat Kid, and comes to another piece of wood]
Rat Kid: Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I don't even know your name!
Materia: Oh now he asks! How long has this boy been on screen!?
[Name the character]
Materia and Nightshade: Orco!
Rat Kid: So your name's Vivi, huh?
Materia: Actually it was Orco…but I changed it legally to Vivi, I wanna change it to Frankenfurter first chance I get though.
Kinda funny name...My name's Puck! Pleased to meetcha!
Nightshade: Right and Puck is obviously so much better than Vivi…it’s a Shakespeare chars name for petes sake.
[They run across the rest of the rooftops, until you finally arrive at the outside of the castle's roof]
Puck: Whew... We finally made it!
[He uses the ladder he was carrying to get from the last rooftop to a wooden platform right beside the castle]
Nightshade: Oh come on you have to admit that is so convenient!
Materia: If I have to tell you it’s the story one more time I’ll…*shakes fist*.
After this wall, we'll be inside the castle!
Nightshade: (as Puck) Cause y’know, this is the castle wall.
C'mon, let's go!
[Vivi runs up the ladder and follows him]
_________________________________________________________________________
[FMV. Night Time, and Alexandria castle, with the theatre ship stationed inside, is shown. The band is playing,
Nightshade: Football, cause they can’t be bothered playing music.
and the audience is watching. Vivi and Puck run up, and start to clap.
Materia: Run up to where…I need direction!
The face of Queen Brahne, fanning herself, is shown, followed by Garnet and a knight. Garnet looks a tad drowsy;
Nightshade: Cause she’s addicted to sleeping weed don’t ya know.
the knight looks at her and smiles.
Materia: No comment on what this part of the script looked like before we riffed it…nope not one thing….evil stalker dude *cough*
He moves his sword forward, as the play starts. Fireworks and rambunctious music fill the air. Vivi and Puck look at it all with amazement.The knight looks at Garnet again, and his mouth opens with shock,
Nightshade: Cause the princess has suddenly started stripping?
Materia: Cause he’s just realised Princess Garnet is now actually ‘Prince Gary’?
as he sees Garnet practically falling asleep, eyes struggling to stay open. As the fireworks and music continue, the Queen is dancing around, out of her seat.]
Nightshade: Gah! My eyes…what an ugly sight, Queen Brahne dancing *cries*
[Baku, dressed in a big robe, is in the centre of the stage]
Nightshade: And it needs to be big too, he could stand to lose a few pounds that’s for sure!
Baku: Ladies and Gentlemen
Materia: (as Baku) Please don’t look behind you as there is a mon…oh sorry that’s Queen Brahne isn’t it!
Tonight's performance is a story that takes place long, long ago.
Nightshade: (as audience member) I thought the Rocky Horror Picture Show was a recent story?
Our heroine, Princess Cornelia, is torn from her lover, Marcus.
Materia: (as another audience member) Wait so it isn’t the Rocky Horror Picture Show…BOOOOOO!!!!
She attempts to flee the castle, only to be captured by her father, King Leo.
Materia: Oh Lord, not another pitiful portrayal of a woman…
When our story begins, Marcus, having heard this, crosses swords with the King.
Materia: But that’s predictable why not cross arms and do a merry jig? Go on dare to be different!
And now, Your Royal Majesty, Queen Brahne, Your Highness, Princess Garnet...
Nightshade: (as Baku)…or ‘Prince Gary’...whatever!
...noble ladies and lords, and our rooftop viewers, Tantalus proudly presents ‘I Want to Be Your Canary'!
Nightshade: (as audience member) I want to be your what? What kinda dumb title is that!
_____________________________________________________________________________
[Scene changes to a backstage area, where Cinna, Zidane, and Blank are rehearsing their lines]
Materia: Those three probably need to as well! Let’s face it they hardly look like the acting type!
Nightshade: Why Materia, I do believe that’s discrimination!
Materia: Like you with the French earlier.
Nightshade: Oh yeah…damn you remembered!
Blank: Bereft of father! Bereft of mother! Marcus! Thou hast lost even they love!
Materia: Awww Gawd!
Cinna: Fortune hath escap'd thee! For what end shalt thou live?
Nightshade: I shalt hath no reason to live if I have to listen to thoust drivel much longer.
Zidane: For the sake of our friend...Let us bury our steel in the heart of the wretched King Leo!
Materia: Wouldn’t a wooden stake be better…no wait that’s vampires!
Cinna & Blank: Aye!
Materia: Cinna and Blank are from Yorkshire…who’d of thought it!
[The three of them run forward. On the stage, lightning is flashing, and the three of them join Marcus; standing in front of him is King Leo (Baku) flanked on either side by two soldiers]
Blank: We shall back thee, Kinsman!
Materia: For we hath naff all else to doeth!
Marcus: Pray, sheathe thy swords! This villain is mine alone!
Nightshade: (as Marcus) Yeah Leo, thou shalst pay for cheating at cards last week!
Cinna: Nay, Kinsman! For I, too, have lost a brother to this fiend!
Nightshade: (as Cinna) Yeah I lost him in a hand of poker…how embarrassing!
King Leo: What ho? Out, vermin! Away! Thou darest bare thy sword before the King!? All who stand in my way will be crush'd!
Nightshade: Literally, does Baku know what a gym is?
Zidane: Treacherous Leo, my Kinsman's suffering shall not be in vain! For I shall instruct thee in his incomparable pain!
Nightshade: Oh Zidane’s a poet and he didn’t know it!
[Battle ensues: King Leo and his two soldiers vs. Zidane, Cinna, Marcus and Blank]
Materia: Everyone dies, the end!...Oh come on this play is supposed to be a tragedy!
King Leo: Arrg... Grrr...
Nightshade: Watch out! His stomach is rumbling he might eat you!
Thou hast not seen the last of me, Marcus!
Nightshade: (as Marcus) I’ve never seen the beginning of thou!
Zidane: Come back!
Nightshade: Yeah you never gave poor Cinna his bro back!
[Tries to follow him, but Blank blocks the way]
Zidane: Out of my way, Blank!
Nightshade: Very convenient that the chars in the play have the same name as the actors…well mostly.
Blank: Consider this, Zidane! If Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!
Materia: (as Blank) and there’d be like parties and *shifty eyes* action.
Nightshade: Hey, you stole my bit!
Zidane: ‘Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why, none would suffer in this world!
Materia and Nightshade:…true, true
[A short swordfight ensues. Zidane says "Aha!", Blank goes "Mph!", and it continues on a separate screen]
Materia: No comment on that…I might up the rating.
Blank: En garde!
Zidane: Expect no quarter from me!
Nightshade: (as Zidane) or nickels or dimes…or dollars even!
[Swordfight, where you control Zidane's moves]
Materia: Well if I controlled him he’d die…the end!
Nightshade: What am I gonna do with you?
Zidane: Come back here!
Blank: We shall finish this later!
Materia: Ahhh so I get to kill him later…gotta!
[Both run off screen]
__________________________________________________________________
[The screen fades to black, as sounds of punches, along with "Doof!" and "Ungha!"-type exclamations are seen.
Materia: What the frell!? Ungha?
When the screen fades into colour, Zidane and Blank are wearing the armour of two knights, who are lying down on the floor]
Materia: (as Zidane) Eek wrong clothes!
Blank: Hehehe! Finished changing, Zidane?
Nightshade: (as Zidane) It’s too small *cries* But I wanna play soldiers!
Zidane: Yeah, but this helmet...It kinda smells...
Materia: Like mothballs?
Nightshade: Like Old Spice?
Blank: What are you talkin'about!? My helmet totally reeks! My armour’s way too big...And my back's real itchy...The boots are wet...My gloves are all slimy...There's cookie crumbs in my pocket...
Materia: Ahhh quit your whining you wuss!
Zidane: Okay, I get the picture...You still have the package, right?
Nightshade: (as Blank) Yep, right here…all the issues of Playboy a man could need.
Materia: (as Blank) Do you mean the princesses ahem…sleeping medication?
Blank: Don't worry! I won't screw up!
Nightshade: Why is it when people say that, they normally do screw up?
Zidane: Alright! First, I'll go pour some sleep potion into Princess Garnet's teacup!
Nightshade: Like that’ll have any effect on someone who’s obviously on a lot stronger medication than that!
Blank: And I've got a special something for the lovely queen!
[Walks over to the lying-down armor-stripped guards]
Hehehe. They're sleeping so soundly!
Materia: (as Blank) Awww they so cute…Can we keep them?
[The words "ALEXANDRIA CASTLE" appear on the screen, as Zidane follows Blank out of the room.]
Materia: (sarcastically) No it’s Lindblum Castle…there was an accident *rolls eyes*
__________________________________________________________________________________
[In the next scene, they're in the castle, outside of the room they just left]
Blank:According to recon...The royal seats should be right above these stairs!
Materia: All off a sudden Queen Brahne crashes down from above and crushes them to death…the end!
Zidane: Got it!
[A quick crowd-cheer is heard]
Nightshade: Why did Baku die of a heart attack or something?
Blank: Uh-oh! The scene where Marcus sneaks into Cornelia's chamber is about to start!
Materia: (as Zidane) But I really wanted to watch that scene no fair!
Let's get this over with before the finale, okay?
[Zidane runs up a set of stairs, as someone else, face hidden, opens a set of doors and runs forward. The two of them stop, avoiding a collision]
Materia: duh…Oh damn they didn’t collide! Spoilsports!
Zidane: (Hmm? She sure is dressed funny...)
Nightshade: Why are her clothes inside out or something?
Hooded Girl: Umm... Would you please let me pass?
Materia: (as hooded girl) Cause I really gotta go pee!
Zidane: Hmm...
Nightshade: Good god man yes or no…come on you got a 50% chance of getting it right!
[Choose between "Let her pass" or "Examine her face". Neither choice matters, but, choosing the second one makes it more interesting]
Materia: Ok now the script is only suggesting what we do…That actually scares me more than it ordering me around. Make up your mind!
Zidane: Let's see...
Materia: Geez yes or no already!
Hooded Girl: Is there something on my face?
Nightshade: Errrr only the normal stuff you know, eyes, mouth, nose…maybe a disfiguring birthmark…that’d be interesting.
Zidane:Oh, no. You see...I just thought maybe you were the one I'd been waiting for all this time.
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Are you *shifty eyes*…Ivona Humpalot?
Materia: Oh come on Shady, for shame ripping Austin Powers! Pretty good though.
Hooded Girl: Excuse me? You were waiting for me?
Materia: (as hooded girl) Ah-Ha Guards I’ve caught the stalker!
Zidane: Yeah! I've dreamt of meeting you here ever since I was born!
Nightshade: Yeah that line really works…*coughlosercough*
Hooded Girl: Do you mock me?
Materia: Cause if you are she’ll get you sacked and cause you’re not a guard you’ll be locked up and game over.
Zidane: No, of course not...
Nightshade: LIES!
Hooded Girl: Then, I shall take my leave of you!
Materia: Cause now she’s really, really gotta pee
[She tries to walk by, but Zidane blocks her way]
Zidane: Just a sec! Haven't we met before?
Nightshade: Please not another chat up line…
Hooded Girl:No, I do not know you...
Zidane: Hmm...Maybe you're right... I'd never let someone as pretty as you get away. Say, you wouldn't...
Nightshade:…it was another chat up line.
[Blank runs part of the way up the stairs]
Blank: Hey, what's goin' on, Zidane?
Materia: I’m kinda lost too. What is going on Zidane?
Hooded Girl: I...I must go!
Materia: (as hooded girl) I did say I had to…
[She runs past Zidane, spinning him around, then past Blank, down the stairs]
Blank: Who the heck was that!?
Nightshade: (as Blank) Zidane Tribal have you been chatting up the servant girls! (whiny voice) That was my job!
Zidane: Get up, Blank! That was Princess Garnet!"
Materia: (as Zidane) or Prince Gary…or whoever!
Blank: Are you serious!?
Nightshade: (as Blank) So Princess Garnet really is a man!
[The two of them run down the stairs and off the screen.]
________________________________________________________________________________
[Meanwhile, at the set of stairs near the entrance of the castle are the two Jesters, Zorn and Thorn, clad in blue and red respectively]
Zorn: We are in trouble!
Thorn: Trouble are we in!
Materia: Ohhh trouble heh…kill them!
Zorn: This is terrible!
Thorn: Our heads, Queen Brahne will have!
Nightshade: Mmmm head of Jester…tastes delicious and only 250 calories!
Zorn: We must hurry!
Thorn: Hurry, we must!
Materia: Ok this is becoming annoying real quick!
[They run up some stairs]
Zorn: We are in trouble!
Thorn: Trouble are we in!
Nightshade: Argh you’ve already said that! Shut up!
[Next screen]
Thorn: The right way, that is not!
Zorn: I know it is not the right way!
Thorn: Really, do you?
Zorn: I really do!
Materia: (as Zorn) Actually no I don’t *hangs head in shame*
Thorn: Wonder, I sometimes do.
Zorn: N-Now is not the time to wonder!
Nightshade: But that’s exactly what you do anyways!
Thorn: Hurry to Queen Brahne, must we!
Zorn: We must hurry to Queen Brahne!
Nightshade: Why so she can have your heads for dinner…wow willing to die to feed their queen…impressed I am!
Materia: Argh Shady don’t speak like that!
Nightshade: Opps sorry…evil manipulating Jesters and your incorrect grammar *shakes fist*.
[They run up the stairs which the Hooded Girl, Blank and Zidane ran down. Thorn runs towards the doors which the Hooded Girl exited]
Zorn: That is not the right way!
Thorn: N-Not the right way, I know!
Zorn: Do you really?
Thorn: Know I really do!!!
Materia: (as Thorn) Actually No I really don’t *hangs head*
Nightshade: So neither knows where to go…ack! My head hurts…kill them!
Zorn: I really wonder sometimes.
Thorn: Th-The time to wonder, now is not!Hurry to see Her Majesty, we must!
Zorn: We must hurry and tell Her Majesty!
Nightshade: (as Zorn) Tell her Majesty that the tragic rumors of Princess’ sex change are true!
[They run into the Queen's room, and try to run to her, but the knight gets in the way]
Thorn: See the queen, we must!
Captain of the Knights of Pluto: Her Majesty is busy! Come back later!
Materia: (as Mickey Mouse) Wow Pluto has knights!
Beatrix: Is it an emergency?
Nightshade: (as Beatrix) Or are you two drunk again?
Thorn: An emergency, it is!
Zorn: A veritable emergency of terrible urgency!
Materia: (as Zorn) The Princess is really a man!
Beatrix: Very well. I'll see what I can do.
Nightshade: (as Beatrix) But personally I really don’t see that there’s much I can do about THAT.
Thorn: Very grateful, we'll be!
Zorn: We'll be very grateful!
Materia: (as Beatrix) Argh shut up! *kills Zorn and Thorn*
Nightshade: And the world rejoices!
Captain of the Knights of Pluto: Grrr! Curse that Beatrix! Always trying to one-up me!
Materia: (as Captain) But we all know I’m better at…ermmm being a pain in the ass…yeah!
Beatrix: So, what exactly is the problem?
Zorn: Her Royal Highness...
Thorn: Princess Garnet...
Nightshade and Materia: Is really a man! We cleared that up already!
Thorn & Zorn:...is in danger!
Materia: Damn there goes one of our running gags!
Beatrix: I see. Wait right there.
Nightshade: (as Beatrix) While I go and sharpen my sword you annoying twits!
[Beatrix walks down to the Queen, who is watching the play]
Queen Brahne: No interruptions! Can't you see I'm watching the show!?
Nightshade: Yeah please…the less I see of her the better *cries*
Beatrix: Your Majesty, I'm afraid Princess Garnet has-
Materia: Taken too much sleeping weed again?
Nightshade: Flooded out the castle toilets?
Queen Brahne: Ah, yes... She did leave her seat awhile ago.
Beatrix: Your Majesty, it seems that Princess Garnet has run off with the Royal Pendant.
Materia: Ohhhh what a shame…just have to make a new one I guess huh?
Queen Brahne: Well, of all the... What could she be thinking!?
Nightshade: Maybe she just wanted attention off you, you evil bad mother you!
General Beatrix!
Beatrix: Your Majesty!
Nightshade: (as Brahne) Sod the pendant get me more juice!
Queen Brahne: And, Captain...uh...
[Name the character]
Nightshade: I.P Freely
Materia: Mya Shitz Brown
Queen Brahne: Captain Steiner!
Steiner: Yes, Your Majesty!
Nightshade: (as Brahne)…you get me some more cookies!
Queen Brahne: Go find Garnet!
Steiner: Yes, my queen!
Beatrix: At once, Your Majesty!
____________________________________________________________________________
[The screen fades to black. It fades back in on Steiner standing in front of the door to the room which the Hooded Girl ran out of]
Steiner: Knights of Pluto!
Materia: (as Mickey Mouse) Knights of Pluto here boys!
ASSEMBLE!!!
[Looks around]
Huh? Where is everybody!?
Nightshade: Probably goofing off doing a bad, half-assed job like most people in this town seem too…
Materia: Like us too huh?
Nightshade: Yeah probably.
[The two knights who were mugged of their armor run out of the room they were sleeping in]
Materia: *sniggers* I could say something about that…but I won’t.
Blutzen, Pluto Knight II: Captain, sir!
Nightshade: (as Blutzen) It’s not what it looks like sir, honest!
Kohel, Pluto Knight III: All present and accounted for, sir!
Nightshade: (as Kohel) Well y’know….except for everyone else of course.
Steiner: What are you talking about!? There's only two of you! Where are the other six!?
Materia: Probably taking some sort of union enforced break or something.
Nightshade: Or maybe they’re all on the toilet!
[Runs down the stairs to confront them]
Why, you useless good-for-nothings! I bring orders from the queen!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) You’re all sacked!
Get dressed and go find Princess Garnet!
Materia: (as Steiner) and cookies…don’t forget the cookies! Oh and juice too…I’ll show that Beatrix!
[He runs out of the castle. In front of the castle, a chorus of cheers are heard]
Nightshade: Maybe Tantalus gave into public opinion and changed over to the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Steiner: What!? The play seems to be a hit!
Materia: (as Steiner) The fat guy must’ve snuffed it then…
But if we fail to find the princess before the curtain falls, Her Majesty will be most displeased...
Nightshade: Yeah, so she might eat you!
And we will be the laughing stock of Beatrix and her retinue!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) I dunno what that word means…but it sounded good!
I must hurry!
[Steiner then proceeds to run up the tower to the left of the castle]
Steiner: Whew... Fatigue rears its ugly head. No! I must persevere! The princess must be found!
Materia: Or you’ll be on the queen’s lunch menu by tomorrow!
[On the right tower, across from the left, Zidane is chasing the Hooded Girl]
Nightshade: (as hooded girl) Ahhh what are you some sort of deranged cyber mongrel of something!
Materia: Hey that’s a in-joke!
Nightshade: Yeah but I love that…hehe cyber mongrel *sniggers*
Steiner: Wait! Over there!It's Princess Garnet!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) And that damn deranged stalker again!
Being hounded by brigands! Fear not, Princess! Your knight is coming!
Materia: (as Steiner) I’ll just be about…10 minutes *collapses from exhaustion*
[FMV. The princess climbs on top of the edge and looks at Zidane, then, falls off the edge.
Materia: Weeeee splat…game over!
Steiner goes ballistic, thinking she's falling to her death,
Materia: You mean she’s not?…awwww!
when, in fact, she's holding onto a cord of some sort.
Materia: *looks hopeful* Snap come on, you know you wanna!
Zidane holds onto a cord as well, along with Steiner. Garnet and Zidane land comfortably on a mattress of some sort,
Nightshade: Zidane’s dream come true!
while Steiner smashes into the side of the Theater Ship.]
_________________________________________________________________________
[The FMV ends, and Zidane jumps inside the Theater Ship, where a band with several members is playing]
Materia: Livin’ La Vida Loca?
Nightshade: The Timewarp?
Zidane: Huh? Where'd the princess go?
Hooded Girl: Woo!
Materia: Wah she actually did die and has come back to haunt us!
Nightshade: That’s boo you twit!
Materia: oh *scratches head* Eheheh sorry.
[The Hooded Girl jumps down, runs one way, then returns, knocking the band members and Zidane down, then running through the doors.
Materia: Geez she has no manners at all does she.
Nightshade: Well actually I suppose it depends, would you have manners if you were being chased like that?
Materia: What me? Manners…get outta here!
Nightshade: *sighs* I guess you don’t have any to start with yeah…
Zidane follows her. In the next room, she runs by a blue-haired girl, spinning her around, before stopping]
Materia: Oh so she stops when she spins a girl around…hey does that mean…
Nightshade: *clamps hand over Materia’s mouth* no it most certainly does not!
Materia:…but I was only asking if it was because she fears women more than men. I mean look at Steiner…then look at Beatrix, who’d you fear most?
Nightshade: Ahhh you actually have a point for once!
Ruby: Whoa! Whut in tarnation!? Hold yer horses, there! Whut kinda cattle you chasin', darlin'?You should at least say yer sorry!"
Nightshade: *in bad Southern USA accent* I do declare!
Materia: *whacks her with the stick* Shut up!
Hooded Girl: Please pardon me. I was in a hurry, you see...
Materia: Please say you have a bathroom I really need to go!
Ruby: And here I am, fixin' to get ready fer my big entrance!
Nightshade: I hope the crowds got plenty of rotten tomatoes.
Materia: I think Baku ate them all.
Nightshade: Really awwwww...I mean ewwww
[Zidane enters the room and runs up to them]
Ruby: Hey, Zidane! Did you see the way she hit me!? This cowgirl's wilder than a buckin' bronco!
Materia: (as Zidane) Really? ^^
Nightshade: *rolls eyes*
Zidane: Just let me talk to her, Ruby!
Materia: (as Zidane) Well if I had half the chance I'd...ow!
Nightshade: *puts away the stick* Bad Materia...potty mouth!
Ruby: Come again, pardner!? Did you hear what I just said?
Nightshade: (as Ruby) No wait you probably did...I need to lie down.
Zidane: Ruby! We'll talk later!
[The Hooded Girl runs down a set of stairs behind Ruby. Zidane follows her and finally catches up. They're in the room where he first lit the candle at the start of the game]
Materia: Wow he really thought ahead didn't he!
Zidane: Whew... Well, it looks like you've finally made up your mind. (Wow. We really had to improvise. But hey, we got her!)
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Well at least I think it's her...but what about that rumour I heard. Man if it's true the boss'll kill me!
Hooded Girl Do you... do you work on this theater ship?
Materia: (as hooded girl) Cause if you do I ought to have you executed for putting on this crappy play!
Zidane: (Aww... So she figured it out, huh?)
Materia: Yes I Zidane wrote “I Want to be your Canary” I was depressed and…*cries*
Hooded Girl: As you have no doubt suspected...the truth is that...I am actually...
[Removes her hood]
Nightshade: Prince Gary Alexander
Materia: Just a decoy, ha you’re so dead!
Princess Garnet Til Alexandros, heir to the throne of Alexandria.
Materia: Damnit!
Garnet: I have a favor I wish to ask of you...
Materia: *whiny voice* Can I use your bathroom?
I wish to be kidnapped... right away.
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Well seems as you’re not a bloke…why not!
Zidane: H-Huh!? I don't... I mean...
Materia: (as Zidane) Err no, I was never here to kidnap you…I’m just a stalk…wait what?
[They hear a knock on the door, followed by "Princess! Where are you?". Garnet places her hood back on]
Nightshade: (as Garnet) and if I place my hands over my face he won’t be able to see me, illusion complete.
Garnet: Please... They've come for me!
Materia: (as Garnet) I don’t want to go back to the mental asylum…I mean castle!
Zidane: Aha... So that's what's going on...Alright! Leave them to me!
Nightshade: (as Zidane) I’ll just give them Ruby, kill two birds with one stone, her off my back and him off yours.
Garnet: Thank you. You have my gratitude.
Materia: (as Garnet) Meat shield…
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Huh?
Materia: (as Garnet) Oh nothing…
Zidane: Alright then, Your Highness! I shall hereby do my best to kidnap you!
Nightshade: Yeah, cause you’ve done a great job of it so far.
[Cinna runs in]
Materia: (as Garnet) Ack ugly dwarf man thing *pushes Zidane in the way* Protect me meat shield!
Cinna: What're you two doin'? Come on, this way!
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Nothing honest…it was her fault, whatever it was she made me do it honest!
Materia: (as Garnet) Stupid meat shield *whacks with racket* Shut up or I’ll call the guards…idiot.
Zidane: Don't worry, Princess. It's my friend Cinna!
Nightshade: (as Zidane) And by friend I mean ugly, useless character who couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag.
Garnet:Oh, really? I am sorry. You startled me.
Materia: (as Garnet) Cause you know I’m an innocent, easily scared princess *secretly adds ugly dwarf man on people to kill when she becomes queen list*
Zidane: Well, with a face like his, I'd be pretty shocked, too!
Cinna: Man, that hurts! I wash up every morning, you know!
Materia: Well we wouldn’t know it to look at you, I swear I can smell you through the screen *sprays air freshener because really, dear viewers, she’d farted*
Nightshade: Yeah it does smell a little…
[Another knock on a door and the statement "Princess!" ensues]
Materia: The door can make statements, well walls may not have eyes but doors have mouths, I was wondering where those voices in my head were coming from.
Nightshade: Err yeah…*edges away*
Cinna: This way!
Zidane: Alright, we'll follow you!
Nightshade: To their impending capture most likely, possibly doom.
[Zidane and Garnet follow Cinna into the room where they first held their meeting at the start of the game. Meanwhile, the door which was knocked on twice is opened]
Nightshade: (as Steiner) Damn you door you lied the Princess isn’t in here *stabs the door*
Steiner: Princess?
[Walks into the room]
Princess...Princess! Princess...? PRINCESS!!!? Princess?
Materia: (as a wall) Ow our ears, godamn it she went that way.
Nightshade: (as another wall) We can’t point stupid!
Materia: (as wall) Oh yeah…wait we can’t talk either.
Nightshade: (as the other wall) Oh poop…
[A knight runs into the room]
Materia: (as knight) Oh boy, oh boy autograph time…I…Captain sir…hi.
Steiner: Where have you been!?
Knight: Sir! I'm sorry, sir!
Nightshade: (as Knight) Well actually getting a tan…err I mean I was on the can…getting the stars autographs cause I’m their biggest fan…seeing my wife Fran…setting up the castle’s LAN…being a guardsman…looking after my sick nan…chasing this guy who ran called Stan who had a van…Ok so I was goofing off, please don’t kill me.
Materia: Geez there’s a lot of rhymes…*writes down some of the excuses* Heh my husband’ll actually believe most of these…and my boss…and my tutor…and mum…
Nightshade: Ok we get it already.
Steiner: Princess!
Nightshade: (as Knight) Yeah that’s what I was doing, the Princess…hey wait I meant looking at her…for her…damn it!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
[Meanwhile, in the other room...]
Materia: *ominous voice* The characters had entered…The Twilight Zone…
Nightshade: Or the Outer Limits…the truth is out there.
Materia: That’s the X Files dumbass.
Zidane: Hey, Cinna! This is a dead end!
Nightshade: Ha I was right, impending capture. Though I still have an out with the impending doom.
Cinna: Hehehe. I thought this might happen...
[Cinna exclaims "Open!" followed by "Sesame!", as the table lifts to reveal a passageway leading under the floor]
Materia: This should be part of the play, a bit of panto never hurt anyone.
Nightshade: Speak for yourself, remember we went to see Cinderella that one year and…
Materia: *eyes widen* Nooo I’d blocked that from my memory, shut up!
So I set up this escape hatch!
Materia: (as Cinna) Actually I set it up incase my attempted coup of the group went horribly wrong but meh…
[Steiner knocks on the door, saying "Princess!"]
Cinna: C'mon, let's go in the hatch!
Materia: (as Garnet) But its dark, dank, smelly…ok cool *jumps* Weeee!
[Cinna, Garnet, and Zidane jump hastily into it. Steiner and his knight barge into the room]
Steiner: The princess must be down there!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) She loves dark, dank, smelly places…I’m beginning to think she has evil tendencies myself.
Pluto Knight: I-I'll go first, sir!
[Jumps in back-first, and, naturally, gets stuck]
Materia: Cause, y’know, he’s fat, or muscular or something. Who cares ha, he got the stucked!
Steiner: Hey!!! What do you think you're doing!?
Nightshade: (as Steiner) I wanted to jump and go weee I never get any fun *sniff*
Pluto Knight: Captain, sir! I'm stuck, sir!
Materia: *still laughing* Get the butter quick, a ton should do it.
Steiner: Grrrr! Blast it!!!
[Runs out of the room]
Nightshade: No wait blasting it would work! It’d kill the guy, but he wouldn’t be stuck!
Materia: *still laughing* The hole’d be bigger too!
Pluto Knight: Hehehe. He bought it!
Nightshade: (as knight) Now to get those autographs *screams like a fangirl*
___________________________________________________________________________
[Scene changes to Zidane and Garnet, with Cinna, underneath the hatch]
Zidane: Wow, you're really athletic, Princess. I think I'm falling for you!
Materia: (as Garnet) You nearly fell ON me idiot *thwaps*
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Ow…damnit.
Garnet: This is nothing. I have been training to escape the castle, after all.
Materia: (as Garnet) My mother is holding me back, I want to rule the world after all.
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Huh?
Materia: (as Garnet) Nothing…Note to self, think world domination thoughts, don’t say them out loud.
Zidane: What a waste. If only you weren't a princess...
Nightshade: (as Zidane) We could…do stuff. Like play manly games like Name that tune Armpit edition or guess who’s butt it is.
Materia: End first of hopefully many Red Dwarf references. Hehe…
Garnet: We have no time for idle banter. Come, let us move on!
Nightshade: (as Garnet) To Infinity and beyond!
Materia: What is it get as many references in as you can time or something?
[They run off the screen with Cinna, only to meet up with Steiner in the other room]
Steiner: Aha! Princess! I, Steiner, have come to your rescue!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) And despite flying into a ships hull, incompetent knights, talking, lying doors and a severe fitness problem I’ve made it! Beatrix can kiss my rusty, metal butt!
[The Pluto Knight runs into the room the way Zidane and co. ran in]
Materia: (as knight) Ahhh poop foiled again, best play along…
Pluto Knight: You needn't worry, Your Highness!
Nightshade: (as knight) We’re not as incontinent as we look…I mean incompetent…damn.
Steiner: Good work! This will be remembered as the Pluto Knights' finest hour!
Materia: Right next to…well being formed really by the sounds of things
Pluto Knight: Hehehe! Just relax, Princess. We'll get you outta here!
Materia: (as Knight) After all, it is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home.
Nightshade: Ohhh I’ve started a reference mini-fad. Yay!
Steiner: WHAT!!!? You're not one of my knights!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) Our primary directive is to ensure Brahne is fed!
Materia: (as knight) It is? Damn it Cinna your intelligence was wrong AGAIN!
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Now that’s not fair I owe Cinna everything you, if it wasn't for him, I'd be normal.
Materia: (to audience) And they’ll keep going like the Duracell Bunny folks, a riff of a Kryten by the way ;)
Zidane: You can just...
Cinna:...leave the princess...
Zidane, Cinna, and the Pluto Knight: ...to us!
Nightshade: Captain Kirk’s tone of voice, in stereo folks!
[Battle of Steiner vs. Zidane, Cinna, and the Pluto Knight, who is actually Blank, ensues. After defeating Steiner, he does an attack which destroys Blank's armor disguise, but also releases all the oglops. Afterwards, Cinna, Blank, and Steiner run around erratically, yelling "I hate oglops!" and "Oglops are the worst!"]
Materia: (as Garnet) Geez I’m surrounded by idiocy, note to self, kill them all!
Zidane:Now's our chance! Come on!
Materia: (as Garnet) Geez he noticed! *dies of shock*…(as herself) what I hadn’t done it in a while.
[Zidane and Garnet run into another room.]
_______________________________________________________________________________
[The scene then changes to King Leo, back on the stage, doing a monologue]
Nightshade: Wake me up when its over, old English gets my goat. Oh and English, and Welsh and… *starts singing* I could go on all day.
Q…Q? R, S, T, alphabetically speaking you’re ok.
You make my life complete,
V means you’re very sweet,
W, X, Y, Z
Its fun to wonder through,
The alphabet with you
To tell you what you mean to me.
Engage!
*stops* Thank you and good night zzz
Materia: I hate that song…we now return you to our regularly scheduled script folks
King Leo:Tonight, I shall finally see my daughter Cornelia betroth'd to Prince Schneider! And then Prince Schneider and his kingdom will be mine! Gwahahahaha!
Materia: So peace will reign over both kingdoms because an obviously mad king gets it through his daughters marriage…Zidane’s writing sucks.
[The two guards which fought alongside King Leo before walk onto the stage, holding Marcus' arms]
Materia: Hey is this that merry jig I wanted them to do? Yay for being different.
Zenero: Your Majesty!
Benero: We have caught an intruder!
Materia: Oh…well poop on a stick.
King Leo: Why, my poor Marcus! Hark, lad. No matter how much thou dost treasure Cornelia...no matter how deeply she might believe she doth love thee...never shall I see her marry a peasant such as thee!"
Materia: Surprised you can see much at all below your neck…but we’re treading old ground here. LOSE WEIGHT DAMNIT!
Nightshade: *wakes up* I didn’t do it!…Oh hi sis…
Materia: Welcome back, nice nap.
Nightshade: Considering my coffee addicted nature, yeah, longest I’ve slept in days.
[A bell rings once]
Nightshade: Ah I’m late for school…
Materia: You’re 23 dumbass, plus its holidays anyway so who cares.
When the bell strikes three...Under the axe thou shall be!
[The bell strikes a second time]
Nightshade: Oh the suspense is killing me…NOT
Materia: With any luck the final toll will trigger a heart attack in the king or something, this play sucks.
[Meanwhile, in the room where Zidane and Garnet ran into]
Nightshade: Bet that hurt the poor room…
Garnet: What now? We cannot go any further!
Materia: (as Garnet) Oh well time to use him as a meat shield again…
Zidane: Hmmm...
Nightshade: (as Zidane) I wonder why kids love Cinnamon Crunch toast…
[Cinna runs into the room]
Materia: (as room) I feel so abused…
Cinna: Zidane! Get on Number Two!
Nightshade: Insert toilet gag here folks…
Zidane: Okay! Princess Garnet, this way!
Nightshade: He promises no more dead ends, impending doom, or entrances into crappy plays…honest.
[Zidane and Garnet run onto a platform. Steiner runs in the room, proclaiming "Stop!", hitting Cinna, who responds with "Yow!". Steiner walks onto the platform parallel to Zidane and Garnet's. Both platforms begin to rise upwards]
Materia: (as Garnet) Weee I may be evil but I just love riding stuff.
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Really? ^_^
Materia: I might as well walk into a wall, it’d be less painful than that.
[Back on the stage, the bell rings a third time]
King Leo: Furthermore!
Materia: Damnit, no heart attack…
[The two platforms rise up, as Garnet, Zidane, and Steiner join the group of King Leo, Marcus, Benero and Zenero]
Materia:…and the play can only get worse…
Zidane: (Guys! Just improvise!)
Nightshade: (as Marcus) We have, for 20 damn minutes already!
Steiner: Ho? What's all this?
Materia: A play last time I checked, sorta, kinda, should’ve been the Rocky Horror show.
[Marcus breaks free from the guards, runs up to Garnet, and proclaims "Cornelia!"]
Garnet: (Um...)
Materia: (as Garnet) Ok…whatever guy!
Zidane: (Marcus is Cornelia’s lover!)
Nightshade: (as Zidane) See I wrote a play, I are the smart.
Garnet: Oh, Marcus!
Materia: (as Garnet) Please save me from the idiot!
Zidane: (Yeah, you're doing great!)
Nightshade: Yeah, you’d think she actually wanted away from you…
Garnet: (Ahaha. I have studied drama, you know.)
Materia: (as Garnet thinking) Damn annoying teachers, they shall all die soon mwhahaha*cough*ha
Baku: (Okay, guys. Let's keep going. Brahne's still watchin', after all!)
Nightshade: (as Baku) Unfortunately, I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist…I’ll have nightmares for weeks.
Garnet: Oh, Marcus! I missed you so!
[Hugs Marcus]
I wish never to leave thy side. Prithee, lead me from this place!
Materia: (as Garnet) And the idiots…especially Zidane.
Zidane: See, King Leo? Thou shouldst give them thy blessing!
Materia: Gawd say yes, this is boring already, I had enough Old English with Shakespeare in GCSE English…
King Leo: Never! Never leave his side, thou sayest? Foolish banter! I'll not allow it! Cornelia shall marry none other than this man - Prince Schneider! Is that not so, Prince Schneider?
Materia: Insert generic evil laugh, maybe a sneeze due to it being Baku and everything. Well he is playing a power hungry king in a rubbish play, he should laugh manically.
Steiner: M-Marry the princess? Me!?
Nightshade: (as Steiner) Oh never in my wildest dreams did I think…oh this is the play…
Baku: Aye! And this traitorous crew, I will put to death!
Materia: Meh, it’ll save Rusty a job.
[Zidane and Marcus punches Zenero and Benero.]
Benero: Too many of them!
Zenero: Run away!
Nightshade: They’ve turned to cowards in the space of what, an hour? They fought before…I think. I need coffee…
Baku: Pray, sweet daughter, come home to the castle with me.
Nightshade: (as Baku) Cause you are so grounded!
Garnet: Nay, Father! I shan't return!
Materia: (as Garnet) I’m rebelling I tell you!
Baku: Cornelia... Trouble me no more. This wedding is for thine own welfare. Be mindful of that.
Materia: Actually it’s for his but hell, in his mind they’re probably one and the same, y’know evil dad thoughts…I guess.
Marcus: Not if I can help it!!! Now is my moment of vengeance! For my parents, and for my love, Cornelia... (draws his sword) I shall cut thee down!
Materia: (as Marcus) And then I’ll be King which was my ultimate goal all along mwaha. Actually I’m gonna put the Kingdom for sale on Ebay for millions, but I’ll be king in the meantime.
Garnet: Ngh!
Materia: The corny dialogue is killing her…yay!
[Garnet blocks the way, but Marcus' sword went through the left side of Garnet]
Materia: Damn plays, they should kill people for real, like the Romans…as long as I’m not involved in any way, shape or form ^_^
Marcus: No... Cornelia!!!
Nightshade: Oh well that plan went down the pan.
Materia: Do you rhyme on purpose, its getting annoying…
Nightshade: Nope…my caffeine-riddled brain just works that way.
Garnet: Mar...cus, forgive me. I still love my father...
Nightshade: (as Garnet) Actually I only moved to kill a stray oglop but that’s life for you.
Baku: Cornelia!
Steiner: Princess!
Materia: Marcus!
Nightshade: King Leo!
Materia: Hamlet!….hey wait! Opps
Garnet: Prithee, forgive my selfishness, Father, and spare my sweet Marcus...
Materia: (as Garnet) You can kill the others though…
[Garnet plays dead]
Nightshade: Like a good little doggie
Materia: She’s serious people, she has a dog called Garnet…saddo.
Marcus: What have I done!? Am I never to hear her loving voice again!? Am I cursed never again to feel her soft touch!? O, cruel fate! Thou hast robbed me of all I treasure!
Materia: (as Marcus) Now my Paypal account will stay empty *cries*
[Marcus pretends to stab himself]
Materia: Geez can’t he make a mistake and do it for real.
Marcus: Ngah!
Zidane: Marcus!
Nightshade: Cinna!…Ahhh what’s the point?
[Queen Brahne, watching the show, who is shaking with emotion, fanning herself furiously]
Materia: I would too, can you say BO problem.
Queen Brahne: Oh, my! This year's show is splendid! Waaaaaaa! Why did she have to die!? Why!? (Now, where could Garnet be?) Boo-hoo-hoooo!!! (crying)
Materia: Seems the queen knows nothing about plot progression and never had the same evil teachers as Garnet as a child.
___________________________________________________________________________________
[Now we are with Vivi and Puck, who are applauding the show at the back of the audience, standing]
Puck: Wow, what a show!
Nightshade: (as Puck) And in case you couldn’t tell I was being sarcastic!
Materia: I really got to start referencing stuff…
Vivi: Yeah, so sad...
Materia: (as Vivi) That it wasn’t the Rocky Horror show though…
Puck: I'm glad we climbed all the way over here. How 'bout you, huh? Uh-oh! Look out!
Nightshade: What? Queen Brahne incoming?
Materia: The shows about to get worse?
[Vivi and Puck are chased by two Knights of Pluto, shouting various things like “Come back here!” and for some reason “FURY!”]
Nightshade: Like they’re gonna go to them…
Materia: Sorry the fury bit confused me…no wonder the Knights of Pluto has a bad rep. They’re inept, can’t run as fast as a mage that can barely take two steps without falling over and one has a terminal case of Fujin syndrome…yay a reference!
Puck: Fool! I'm outta here!
Materia: Wish I could get out of here…
________________________________________________________________________________
[Later back at the stage...]
Baku: (to the fallen Garnet) Forgive me!!!
Materia: Why should she? You’re as bad a father as her mother is at…well being her mother!
Steiner: Princess!!!
Nightshade: Gawd he’s like a broken record.
[Vivi suddenly arrived at the stage, still being chased by the guards]
Materia: They may be unfit, but Vivi’s pants are letting him down in the whole getting away thing.
Vivi: Leave me alone!
Nightshade: Or he’ll start spouting Freudian crap at you, he means it!
Knight 1: Stop!
Knight 2: Come back here!
Materia: (as knight 1) We’re only gonna throw you in prison for 2 years.
Nightshade: (as knight 2) Yeah you’ll get food, shelter, a few good beatings, no big really.
Vivi: Don't come any closer!
Nightshade: Oh no he’s gonna cast the Oedipus complex! Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement. *hides*
Materia: Any excuse for the references…I should start a count…but I’m rubbish at maths so na…anyways *Pulls Nightshade from under the desk* Idiot…
[Vivi casts Fire, but it hits Garnet.]
Materia: Does she die? Die damn you!
Nightshade: I expected more…
Materia: We know, we heard.
Garnet: Ow! That's hot!
Materia: Well freaking duh!
[Garnet throws off the burning robe.]
Materia: And Zidane faints, thinking she’s naked under it.
Baku: Zidane! It's time!
Nightshade: Hammer time?
Materia: Morphin’ time?
Zidane: Princess Garnet! Let's get outta here!
Nightshade: (as Zidane) Baku’s about to let lose a big one, that’s the code phrase, run for your life!
Steiner: What... What is going on!?
Materia: Baku lets lose the big one, Rusty bites it….we hardly knew thee.
Garnet: Steiner! Don't follow me anymore!
Nightshade: (as Garnet) I know you like me but this stalking has got to stop.
Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII: Captain, sir! We await your orders, sir!
Materia: The Knights have names now? Which one said FURY! I’ll kill him!
Steiner: Hmmm... Well... Umm... Errr... Princess! I'm afraid I cannot comply!
Nightshade: (as Garnet) Damn it now I have to get a restraining order!
Garnet: Stubborn as always, aren't you?
Nightshade: I just said restraining order…that’d work. Or you could just throw his ass in jail, she can do that right?
Materia: I imagine so, she is a princess.
Zidane: Come on, Princess. Let's ditch Sir Rustalot and get outta here!
Materia: Yeah advance the plot already!
Steiner: Princess, wait!
Nightshade: ( as Steiner) I can change, I’ll stalk someone else!
Zidane: (to Vivi laying on the ground) Hey, kid... You okay!?
Materia: (as Zidane) *kicks him* Are you now?
Vivi: Y-Yeah. I just tripped, that's all...
Nightshade: Strong guy, most mages at low levels can’t stand one hit…oh wait that’s bards.
Materia: Yeah spoony bards.
Steiner: Princess, I cannot allow you to go! (to the knights) Seize them at once!
Nightshade: (as Steiner) I tried to change honest…well for all of 2 seconds.
[Zidane's group, himself, Vivi, Garnet and Marcus fight Steiner and the knights.
Materia: And whoop his candy ass! Damn husband, now I’m referencing WWF…oh sorry WWE.
[After Zidane's group wins the fight...]
Nightshade: Inevitably…
Materia: Damn them, they could die but nooo, they want to live!
Steiner: Bah! Only a flesh wound!
Nightshade: Of mortal proportions, but meh this is a video game.
_____________________________________________________________________________
[Meanwhile in the theatre ships control room...]
Cinna: Stabilizers configured!
Nightshade: Well they won’t fall over then, except Vivi, but he’d fall over anyway.
Baku: Good!
Blank: Engine room is good to go!
Nightshade: (as Blank) Yeah the warp plasma manifolds, the dilitium crystals, what could possible go wrong?
Baku: Alright! We're movin' out!
Nightshade: Yay into more plot we go at last!
Cinna: Roger that!
Blank: It's about time!
Nightshade: See even the characters agree with me.
[The theatre ship taking off and suddenly, Queen Brahne calls the soldiers to fire harpoons at the ship. Then, a huge cannon appears behind Brahne which the soldiers fire. It’s a Bomb. Zidane's group fights Steiner with Bomb behind him.
Nightshade: Damn fights holding up the plot, come on the first part of the MST is nearly finished, I need coffee.
Materia: Nearly finished…yay!
After the fight, Bomb grew bigger and blew itself up near the Ship, severing the harpoon chains allowing the ship to make its escape. The theatre ship is damaged and on fire while it's moving however, crashing into various buildings on its way out of Alexandria. Queen Brahne snaps her fan in anger]
Nightshade: The remaining audience immediately drop down dead from the overpowering stench of Brahne’s BO.
Materia: Please die, we’ve barely started and I give already *cries*
Cinna: We're gonna crash!!!
Materia: Duh!
[The theatre ship crashes into the forest below Alexandria, causing explosions]
Materia: Oh well I can dream they’re dead till the next part.
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Meanwhile back in Alexandria Castle...]
Nightshade: The Knights of Pluto, wearing their emergency nose pegs are sweeping away the bodies of the poor dead audience.
Queen Brahne: Garnet... I never imagined you would do such a thing. Perhaps you're not such a helpless little girl anymore... Zorn! Thorn! Is our little experiment ready?
Nightshade: (as Zorn) Which one your Majesty, the slim fast or the…
Materia: (as Brahne) No the fighting…thing.
Zorn: Yes, Your Majesty. It is combat-ready.
Nightshade: (as Zorn) I think…
Thorn: Easily terminate Princess Garnet, it can, Your Majesty.
Materia: (as Thorn) It also comes with a coffee maker, and a 5-year warranty.
Queen Brahne: I need her alive! Bring her back at once!
Nightshade: (as Brahne) So I can ground her butt!
Well there you have it Part 1, Alexandria through to the Airship crash, hope you liked it…Constructive criticism is appreciated (comments to espios_sis@hotmail.com) but flames will only be used to heat water for Nightshade’s coffee habit. We have most of the script written out actually, we’re near the end of disk 3 (we started this a long time ago, been on the back burner for ages). Seems as we meet up more regularly now, I think we could manage one a month (hold us to this at your peril). Part 2 will probably be The Evil Forest through to the Village of Dali, something like that anyway. Till then!
Nightshade and Materia.