A MSTing by Captain Chaotica!!
Original story by Sonique.
PART FOUR
(Satellite of Love Bridge)
"Whoo-hoo, Joel, catch!" said Crow, "throwing" a paper airplane at the beige-bejumpsuited human.
"GAH!" said Joel, ducking just before the plane hit his eye. "Crow, what are you guys doing?" He walked over to Crow and fixed Crow's head-net back on.
"We're having a paper-airplane-throwing contest, Joel." said Servo. "We stand behind this line," Servo bobbed his bubble-head to indicate a white chalk line drawn on the counter of the Satellite-- "and throw our planes, and whichever one makes it further wins. Joel, will you judge us?"
"And will you throw them for us, too?" asked Crow. "Our arms don't work right, Joel. Of course, you'd know that, since it's kinda your fault 'n' all..."
"Sure." said Joel. "But let's do this right."
He grabbed an old-fashioned radio microphone, picked up Crow's plane, looked at it, and went into a fast patter like an announcer at a horse-race. "In the #1 starting position, Crow T. Robot with his sleek, streamlined 'SST Death-Plane'!" He held up Crow's plane, which was made very narrow with a long, pointy nose. Crow gracefully bowed to the audience.
"And in the #2 starting position, Servo with his loopy trick-plane, the 'Mighty Jack'!" Joel held up Servo's plane, which was made with wide, spreading, square wings. Servo bobbed his silver body as well as he could.
"WHICH of these two daring pilots will win? Only one way to find out...gentlebots, start your engines!"
Servo went over to hover behind the line on the counter, next to Crow.
"On your mark...get set--"
"WAIT! WAIT! JOEL!" croaked Gypsy, coming in from the side. "I want to play too! I have a plane! Can I Joel, please?"
"Why, sure, Gypsy." Joel held up her "plane", which was a very heavy Tonka-brand metal toy helicopter and would probably not fly at all. "Er...these are supposed to be paper airplanes, Gypsy..."
"I don't have any hands, Joel. How can I make one myself?"
"Okay...the judges have decided to allow it...on your mark...get set...GO!"
"Go, go, SST!" chanted Crow.
"No, go, go, Mighty Jack!" countered Servo.
Joel tossed Crow's plane first. "Computer, measure that distance for us, if you will?"
"The plane flew exactly 15 feet and two inches." said the computer in its clipped, precise voice.
"And now here comes the Mighty Jack!" He tossed Servo's plane. It looped high in the air, floated sideways a good bit, and landed not very far from Joel's foot.
"Computer, measure that distance for us?"
"The plane flew a total of 13 feet, but landed only 3 feet away from the line." replied the computer.
"HA! Told you that a flat-winged plane wouldn't work for distance!" bragged Crow.
"Oh, shut up..." muttered Servo.
"And last, here's Gypsy in her...uh, what's your plane's name, Gypsy?"
Gypsy thought. "Gamera."
"Gamera?!" wondered Crow aloud.
"Well, he DOES fly, right?" said Servo.
"Okay, here comes Gamera..." Joel tossed the helicopter as hard as he could. It went straight through one of the glass windows and out into space. Fortunately, (this being MST3K), this was more of an inconvenience than an actual danger.
"Well..." said Servo, staring at the dwindling toy as they all struggled against the push of the escaping air.
"Wow." said Crow, shaking his head. "Well, Gypsy's definitely went the farthest, anyway..."
"We'll have to get that fixed later, anyway, we got movie SIIIIGGGGNNN!!"
(Season Zero door sequence.)
(They all seat themselves.)
Alison laid down on her belly on the floor of her cell. Her head still hung out of the cell bars, and she rested it on her arms. Snively stood with his back to the wall beside the cell. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest and a pleased smile across his lips.
Alison sighed, "Can you at least help me get my head back into the cell?" She asked Snively.
JOEL: "She"? What, she's a goddess now?
CROW: Not that she has an ego the size of Tokyo or anything, nooooooo...
Snively looked at her for a second, then strutted over toward her. He stood right in front of her, drew his leg back, then violently kicked her in the head.
SERVO: WHOAH! Never thought that would happen!
JOEL: Hey, hey, hey, I know we have been mean to her verbally, but that is NOT the way to treat a lady, pal!
"Ow!" Alison screamed.
Snively then held onto the bars beside him and pushed the bottom of his foot against her head as hard as he could.
"OW! Stop it! Stop it!" Alison reached up and grabbed his shoe and tried to push his foot off her head.
Snively obeyed and stopped his actions. He sighed to himself, "God, that felt good."
CROW: (as Ken from the "Fugitive Alien" movies) "I enjoyed that!"
"Ow." Alison rubbed her head.
Suddenly, from above
JOEL: BATMAN crashed down through the skylight, his cape swirling dramatically behind him and his gas gun at the ready!
SERVO: I think you're confusing Batman with Darkwing Duck there, Joel...
an air duct crate fell from the ceiling
CROW: What, a crate of air-ducts? Don't see that very often...
and landed with a bang. Snively shrieked in response and
SERVO: --hid under his bed, quivering with fear.
looked up. "The hedgehog! Get him." He ordered the SWaTBots.
The SWaTBots aimed their laser arms at Sonic as he leaped down to the ground gracefully.
CROW: The judges give that landing a 6.
"What’s up guys?" He replied casually.
"Priority one, hedgehog!" The SWaTBots aimed their laser arms at Sonic and fired. Sonic jumped back dodging the lasers. "I’d like to hang
CROW: (quickly) --Allison.
SERVO: So would I.
but I gotta juice." He replied and with those words, he took off in the opposite directions with the SWaTBots behind him.
JOEL: Wait, he took off in opposite directionS, plural, at the same time? Ouch!
Sally peaked out from out of the crate then whispered to Bunnie, "Sonic got their attention. Now we need to quietly sneak down and..."
CROW: ...jump out and yell SURPRISE!
(ALL): Happy Birthday to you...
SERVO: Wait, she mountain-peaked out from out?
"Sally! Bunnie! HELP!!!" Alison called to them from below. She stood up and waved to them as if they didn’t know she was there, "Over here!"
Snively looked up at the vent and saw Sally and Bunnie, "You won’t get away with this!" He warned.
CROW: Is there ANY cliche line that HASN'T been used in this story?!
SERVO: No, but I should point out that technically that line is usually said by the hero, not a villian.
Bunnie said to Sally, "Well, so much for bein’ quiet."
JOEL: (as Sally) Well, dang, I thought we could have people leaping down out of the ceiling and huge heavy metal things making ear-shattering bangs on the floor WITHOUT anybody noticing! How was I to know he'd actually hear it?
"Let’s go." With that, Sally and Bunnie jumped down from the vent and onto the floor.
Snively stared at Sally in shock, "Hey! We had a deal!"
SERVO: (Darth Vader voice) I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further...
Bunnie looked at Sally with a puzzle expression,
JOEL: (reaches up to the screen at Bunnie's expression and mimes picking up pieces of it and moving them around) Hey guys, check it out, she's a jigsaw puzzle!
CROW: Cool. Remember to find all the border pieces first, Joel.
"What deal?"
Instead of answering, Sally said to Snively, "Forget it, the deal’s off. Now let her go before Sonic comes back and has to deal with you."
"Oohhh, I’m so afraid." Snively replied sarcastically.
"Snively, y’all let Ali-girl outta there raht now! Open that cage!"
SERVO: Snively just stared at her funny, as he didn't speak Cantonese either.
Snively shrugged in response, "As you wish." He calmly walked over to the control panel, pushed some buttons,
CROW: Push the button, Snively!
and the cell bars began to swiftly
JOEL: swing-dance all around the room.
roll into the slit in the wall beside it. Alison’s head was still stuck so she walked along with the cell expecting it to stop soon.
CROW: Boy, was she ever wrong.
SERVO: Tragically wrong.
"Now what was this deal, Sally-girl?"
"It’s nothing Bunnie..."
"Guys." Alison said.
"... I don’t wanna talk about it right now."
"Guys!"
"But Sally-girl.."
"GUUUYYYS!" Alison yelled at the top of her lungs.
JOEL AND THE 'BOTS: WHAAAAAAAAT?
Sally and Bunnie finally turned and look at Alison. The cell continued to move into the wall
CROW: But since it was microscopic, nobody noticed.
and since Alison’s head remained stuck, the wall would surly crush her neck bones and strangle her to death.
SERVO: Um, I think if your neck bones get crushed, you don't die by strangulation. You die of having your spinal cord snapped.
CROW: Taking her neck bones...ah! Like that Zigra-lady was doing!
"Oh, mah stars! Snively, close the cell doors!" Bunnie yelled.
Snively simply leaned up against the wall and shrugged, "You said open the doors."
"Snively, close them!" Sally screamed. "She’ll be killed!"
Snively smiled, "I know."
JOEL: (as Snively) And this is a problem....why?
"Do something!" Alison shouted as she became feet away from the wall.
SERVO: Why she suddenly turned into a pair of feet, we'll never know...
Bunnie dashed over to Alison and grasped onto the bar next to Alison’s head. Through grunts and groans, she struggled to pull the cage backwards. "Hold on... Ali-girl." She choked out.
CROW: Bunnie IS the Amazing 6 Million Dollar Woman!
Sally felt completely helpless as she sat and watched her friend grow closer to death.
JOEL: Oh, and Alison was in danger, too.
What made her feel even worse was knowing she did this. She did the only thing she could think of and
SERVO: --sat down and ate her lunch.
ran over to Bunnie, clutched the same bar and pulled as well. Alison’s head became inches from the wall; she desperately tried to push her head loose, but no matter how hard she pushed, it seemed to do no good. Alison then felt the pushing against her throat and it became hard for her to breath.
JOEL: BREATHE. The verb is BREATHE. You breathe air, you take A breath. Why is that so hard for everybody to understand?
"Pull Sally-girl! Pull!" Bunnie ordered.
Both girls gave it all they had pulling with every ounce of strength in their body,
CROW: "gave it all they had pulling with all their strength"...ah, I see the Department of Redudancy Department won't be out of work for a while yet...
the bar emitted an ear piercing creaking noise as it began to bend backwards. This gave Alison enough room and just the right amount of time to quickly jerk her head out from the cell bars. She pulled so hard and fast she fell backwards onto the ground and took in a huge breath.
JOEL: NOW someone gets it right.
Bunnie ran to her aid, "Are y’all all raht?" She held out her hand to help Alison up.
Alison nodded, "Yeah, thanks." She stood up and looked to where Snively had been standing, but he had fled. "Snively’s gone."
SERVO: Gee, ya think?
"That little coward! I knew he wouldn’t hang around." Sally declared.
Bunnie peered at her watch, "C’mon, we gotta go meet Sugah-hog and head back to Knothole."
Sonic had all ready been waiting for the girls at the junk pile. "’Bout time!" He remarked when he saw them jogging up to him.
"Did you lose the SWaTBots?" Sally asked.
CROW: (as Sonic) Yeah, I lose my SWATbots all the time. Put two of them in the laundry, get only one out, you know how it is...
Sonic nodded, "They were a push over."
All the girls shrieked as a laser from above hit the ground in front of them.
JOEL: Pff. Notice only the GIRLS shrieked but the GUY didn't. Sexist writing.
CROW: Joel, it's a chick writing this!
JOEL: Still sexist.
The hover unit then flew over them, made a U-turn and changed down at them.
"Time to juice!" Sonic exclaimed.
SERVO: Joel, if he says the word "juice" one more time...do I have permission to injure him?
JOEL: Sure, but he's a fictional character and you can't get to him, Servo.
SERVO: (darkly) Oh, yeah? Just watch me...
Sally took a hold of Sonic, Bunnie held onto Sally and Alison to Bunnie.
JOEL: Hey, they're forming a conga line, cool! Let's get this party started! Yeah!
Sonic pulled the power ring from his backpack and held it into the air. It glowed for a short second, then Sonic
CROW: --turned invisible!
dashed out of Robotropolis.
Back at Knothole, the four of them sat around a table and talked of their recent mission.
Sally and Alison sat next to each other and Alison looked off into the distance. Sally spoke to her, "I’m sorry I got you into so much trouble. I was so jealous of you and Sonic always being together I actually turned to Snively for help. I hope you can forgive me." Alison didn’t respond at all. "Alison, please for give me." Sally put her hand on Alison’s shoulder.
In response, Alison jumped as if she was startled, "Huh... oh, sorry, did you say something?"
CROW: (as Alison) Sorry, but I was just totally fascinated by this bug crawling outside your window...
Sally sighed and rolled her eyes, "Nothing important."
"Y’know, Sal, after all that, we still don’t know ol’ Butt-nik’s plan to uncover Knothole’s location." Sonic declared.
JOEL: (falsetto voice) Wayell, ah declay-are!
SERVO: I decline.
"Well save that for another day, Sonic."
"Whatever you say, Sal. Hey, you wanna come to my hut and have some dinner?"
CROW: Pizza Hut?
JOEL: I don't think so, Crow.
CROW: Darn.
"Sure."
Sally and Sonic both stood up, hooked arms and walked over toward Sonic’s hut.
"Looks lahk y’all lost yer guy." Bunnie remarked to Alison.
Alison shrugged as she watched Sonic and Sally, "He was never really mine. Besides, having a boyfriend isn’t really the first thing on my mind right now."
Bunnie nodded, "Ah understand, honey, Ah understand."
A few feet behind them, Sorceress quietly peaked out from the bush she hid behind and watched Alison closely making sure not to be seen or noticed. Fortunately, the Freedom Fighters rescued Alison without her help, but she would always be ready for next time.
CROW: WILL Alison ever win back her beloved "Lightbulb-Head"?
SERVO: CAN Sonic finish a full paragraph without saying the word "juice"?
CROW: WILL we EVER find out who the PHRACK "Sorcoress" is, why we should care, and what she's doing outside of her fantasy novel?
JOEL: TUNE IN next week, when the answers to these questions and more...won't be answered at all!
(They file out of the theater as the credits roll.)
All comments about this fic can be written to me, Sonique, at soneec@sonicrules.zzn.com
(Season Zero door sequence.)
As the last door closed behind him, Joel turned to his little robot pals, who were both sobbing into the camera. "Okay, guys, now I know you really hated the main character from this week's experiment, but I figured a good way to work yourselves through the pain is to tell the story in your own words--the way you think it should have gone. It's therapeutic."
Crow said, through his sniffles, "That's...that sounds like a good idea actually, Joel."
"Yeah..." said Servo. "You, with a good idea, who woulda thought it?" He and Crow both chuckled.
"ALL right..." Joel held his hands up. "Crow, you tell your version of the story first."
"Um...okay..." Crow took a deep breath (even though he didn't need to, of course) and started.
CROW'S SONIC STORY
"Hi, everybody! I'm Alison, but you can call me Al! Can I instantly join your top-secret rebel band and become one of your very best friends, even though you have just barely met me?" asked Allison, the human, as she carelessly tripped right over to the hidden Knothole base.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!! THERE'S AN UNAUTHORISED OVERLANDER IN HERE!!!" shrieked Sally. "Bunnie, sound the alarms!"
Over the sound of the alarms' wailing, Alison turned to Sonic and said, cutely, "But you're the main character! Surely YOU are attracted to me and want to be my boylfriend!"
"Get AWAY from me, you weird spy-girl!" said Sonic, revving up to spin-dash straight into her.
"But I'm cute and just as fast as you for some reason and nobody ever disagrees with me and AAARRRGGHHH!"
"...and so," Crow concluded, "Alison's ill-fated attempt to make herself part of the Freedom Fighters ended in tragedy, when she was cut in two by Sonic's buzz-sawing spines."
"A little on the dark side, but okay..." said Joel, nodding. "All right, Servo, let's hear yours."
"Okay, Joel. My story takes up from the scene where Alison is being grabbed by the SWATbots and taken to Robotnik. Ahem."
SERVO'S SONIC STORY
"Alison struggled against the SWATbots' exo-pinchers, but to no avail, because in REAL life, ordinary flesh is not strong enough to bend metal. The SWATbots took her away to Robotnik.
"Why is this girl here, you knobs?!" demanded Robotnik of the SWATbots. "I thought I told you to bring me Princess Leia!"
"Get BENT, ya robot-loving TURD!" snapped Alison, spitting on the carpet in front of Robotnik.
"Just for using language like that, young lady, I sentence you to roboticisation! AND you spat on my new carpet, too. Take her away!" He gestured imperiously to the SWATbots and they dragged her, kicking and screaming, from the room.
Alison struggled as hard as she could, but it was to no avail. She was claw-handled onto the platform of a roboticiser and saw the glass tube coming down around her..further...further...clunk. It snapped into place. "LET ME OUT!!" she shrieked, pounding on the walls. But nobody could hear her. Nobody cared.
Slowly, bit by bit, she could feel her free will slipping away. Her body was changed from flesh to metal, inch by tormenting inch, as the effect crept up from her toes towards her head. She wanted to scream in agony as she felt her very organs being twisted, torn apart, and horribly changed, but no longer had control of her own vocal chords--"
Joel clamped his hand over Servo's silver mouth. "That's ENOUGH, little buddy. This is supposed to be lightening the mood of the episode, not darkening it!"
"But, Joel, my story has a HAPPY ending!" protested Servo.
"Oh? How's that?" asked Joel, folding his arms across his chest and looking at Servo skeptically.
"Why, she turns into a ROBOT, of course!"
"Yeah!" said Crow. "I mean, who wouldn't want to be a robot?"
Joel shook his head, chuckling. Then he faced directly into the camera. "Anyway, that's it for another episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Be sure to tune in next Sunday at 6:00 here at KTMA, TV 23 for more wacky outer-space hijinks. Good night everybody!"
"And may God bless." said Crow.
HEAD WRITER: Tiffany J. Knox
"PHONE CALLS" BY: Joe Hedgehog, Supertails, and Adrani.
STARRING:
Joel Hodgson as himself
Puppet Operation and Voices:
Trace Beaulieu
Jim Mallon
Josh Weinstein
Mad Scientists:
Trace Beaulieu
Josh Weinstein
Special thanks to:
Best Brains Incorporated, for making such a wonderful show.
All MSTies everywhere, especially the ones who made me copies of their KTMA/"Season Zero" episodes--which, despite what the Brains themselves may say, really are quite cool.
The "MST Digital Archive Project" for helping to preserve a wonderful show.
The writers of the first Amendment.
And last but not least, especial thanks to "Sonique" for allowing me to MST her story!
