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(OTHER Webmistress's note: The above was actually written by Robin (aka "Gosalyn") to introduce this MSTing at her own site, "The Toon Obsession", but I leave it here 'cos it basically still works and makes sense. I didn't say those words, but I agree with them. And by the way, when she says the rants Chucky was writing were "very offensive, irritating, and physically painful" she is NOT kidding. This isn't even the worst one! By far! (shudders))
...Captain Chaotica!!, Associate Webmistress of "MSTing in Action!"
(Place host-segment here, I don't have time to make up an entire invention exchange and everything right now...(and yes, if it's Joel and not Mike, you HAVE to have an invention...))
(Everyone gets into the theater)
CROW: So, what's this, then?
JOEL: Some weirdo ranting about an obscure character on some Nickelodeon cartoon called "CatDog", according to Dr. Forrester anyway.
TOM: (snorts) Oh, yeah. Great. Like the world doesn't have enough crazies already...
>Time To Straighten Little Cat Out Once And For All!!!
JOEL: Why, is she crooked?
TOM: Get the ironing board!
CROW: Aiyaa! Shampoo-neko not want to be straightened by stupid gaijin man!
>by Charles E. Wagner
TOM: Bet his friends call him "Chuck Wagon"?
(JOEL, well...chuckles.)
>Let's get one very important thing straight!! I was NOT to have been booted out of ANY Forum/message board or Guestbook whatsoever!!!
TOM: Oh, yeah, well, in a perfect universe, maybe. One where you weren't a total _arsehole_, perhaps.
CROW: Well, you know what the Rolling Stones say, Chuck. You can't always get what you want...
>What you forget, Little Cat, is that you were the first major Forum I was able to log on to in
CROW: Six seconds. MAN was I ever having internet withdrawals! I'd never had to wait that long before!
>CatDog/Lola Caricola cyberspace without having any bias from any other fan.
TOM: What exactly is Lola Caricola cyberspace, anyway? Does it have lots of feathers everywhere and talk in an annoying voice?
CROW: (as the AOL guy's voice) "Welcome! You've got SQUAWWWWKKK mail!"
JOEL: Oh dear gods, no.
>We all had our routines,
TOM: Mine involved human sacrifices every full moon to the dark god Bel-Shamharoth, but hey, everybody was all right with that.
>and I had some very significant ideas to spice things up.
CROW: Such as: Legalize marijuana, make porn free on the internet, a cure for cancer...
JOEL: Unfortunately, this guy is nowhere NEAR that "interesting", Crow...
>But let me remind you about one thing: When you decided to wrongly boot me out of your boards, you made the most irresponsible and totally Taliban-type decision that was never to have been followed through.
(Everybody looks at the above sentence, their eyes going steadily wider and wider in amazement, and then they all fall over in a heap on the floor, laughing so hard they can't breathe.)
CROW: Oh, MAN! I just...I can't...I can't think of any joke to make about THAT line! It's a joke in and of itself!
TOM: "Wrongly" boot me out, indeed. "Taliban-like decision", indeed. Oh, GODS, that's the funniest thing I've read all week!
>In fact, the actual total of Forums/message boards/Guestbooks I'm booted out of was supposed to remain forever ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: Supposed to? Well, sure, as I said before, if you weren't a total ARSEHOLE, maybe it would have stayed zero!
CROW: Is this guy for real? What colour is the sky in his world...and is it in the air, or on the ground?
JOEL: Some people might say that Charles Wagner is out of touch with reality. That's just not true. He is perfectly in touch with reality. The only problem is, the reality that he's in touch with is not the SAME reality that the rest of us are currently inhabiting!
>BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CROW: That's ONE "O", mister!
>You started this unfair routine, yet you won't admit you were wrong to pull that maneuver in the first place!!!
TOM: Routine? Since when is doing something once a "routine"?
JOEL: What "maneuver" is he talking about, exactly?
CROW: The Goodbye Whirl?
TOM: The Picard Maneuver?
CROW: The Getting-the-Hell-Out-of-Here maneuver?
>I tried to defend my fave characters, and you were supposed to have done a 'Lola Caricola' spotlight on your main page that season! But you reneged irresponsibly!!!
TOM: Huzzah, mine fair whipporwill damsel! I hath come to DEFEND thee from the evils of yon foul Internet!
(CROW giggles.)
>And when someone made a very unacceptable remark about Lola during Shriek Week,
CROW: Yeah. They said (he lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper) that when she was just a hatchling, Lola _didn't drink all her milk_...
JOEL: (fake-shocked) Ooohhh....!
TOM: I'd say EVERY week is "Shriek Week" on any forum _he's_ around!
>I just HAD to defend the whipporwill as best as I could!!
TOM: Get behind me, my fair feathered one, I shalt battle this fearsome ogre for thee!
>But that just didn't suit you!!
JOEL: You looked much better in a nice cashmere azure blue suit, actually.
>I was probably one of those rare fans who could actually add a little flavoring to the Forums/Guestbooks
CROW: Add 1/2 teaspoon ginger 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, and half a cup molasses to Forum. Stir well, place mix in medium-sized pan and bake for 15 minutes.
TOM: Betcha it tastes like Akane's cooking when HE'S done with it...
>and not have these boards be all-CatDog with little of all the other players on the show represented. You've probably had fans of Winslow and Randolph and Mervis and Dunglap and maybe even Rancid Rabbit on your boards as of late.
JOEL: Erm..."_Rancid_ Rabbit"? I'm sure I don't want to know...
>But without someone to emphasize Lola's contributions on the series,
JOEL: What WERE her contributions to the show, anyway?
TOM: Um....
CROW: Um...
JOEL: Neither of you has ever watched the show, have you?
CROW: Um...no?
JOEL: That's okay. Neither have I. Let's get back to the rant.
>your boards are nothing more than shadows of their former selves. In fact, I have to tell you now, without me, your boards are going to end up being faded memories of the glory days that used to be.
(Everybody falls over laughing again)
CROW: Oh, GODS!! You have got to be KIDDING me! This guy can't possibly be SERIOUS, can he?
TOM: He's joking, isn't he, Joel? He's just kidding, just role-playing as some pompous holier-than-thou exaggerated character from some cartoon, isn't he?
JOEL: (grimly) I don't think so...
>I'm sorry, but you should have thought about your irresponsible actions before you pulled that disrespectful and completely wrong decision in September of 2000.
TOM: (shakes his head) I'm beyond laughing at this guy's arrogance by now. Now, I'm beginning to think he should just be SHOT.
JOEL: Come on, now, no violence against the author, you know the rules.
>If you decided to have every fan who illegally booted me out of their Forums under the wrong pretenses restore me on all those boards, I think CatDog/Lola Caricola cyberspace may someday slowly return to its glorious luster of the beginning of the millenium when I first logged on.
(Everyone's jaws drop open again)
CROW: He's NOT kidding! He's...actually...not...KIDDING!! Where did this guy COME from?! What planet is he FROM?!
TOM: What is he smoking and where can I get some?
JOEL: On a more serious note, I'd like to point out that nobody ever "illegally" kicked anybody off of a website. There are NO actual laws about who you can or cannot ban. If it's your website, you're God. End of story.
>You made the wrong decision, now you need to correct the error. Along with everyone else who wrongly booted me out when they were never to have done that whatsoever.
TOM: Well, yeah, but again, that's only if you hadn't started acting like a jerk, Chuck Wagon me boy.
(Silence)
JOEL: I think that's it. Let's get outta here, guys.
CROW: Phew! I wanna watch something to get that horrible rant out of my mind, Joel.
JOEL: Okay, like what?
TOM AND CROW, TOGETHER: Anything BUT CatDog!!
(They leave)
No offense to anybody who is a CatDog fan, it's just that Chucky boy can put ANYBODY off the show _permanently_, and the MSTing characters would naturally feel negative towards it after reading only his posts.
...Notorious
Stinger:
"In fact, I can tell you now, without me, your boards are going to end up faded memories of the glory days that used to be."