Preface: If any story ever needed a preface, this is it. First of all, this story is based on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The basic theory behind MST3K is that Dr. Forester (a typical mad scientist) and his sidekick, TV's Frank (typical dimwitted assistant) have trapped Joel Robertson (lovable everyday Joe) on the Satellite of Love (SOL [Sh*t Out of Luck]). As an experiment (to test the limits of human sanity) Joel, and his two robot friends (Crow and Servo) are forced to watch cheezy B movies. Before each experiment, Joel and Dr. Forester have an invention exchange, in which each party tries to create a new, useful, creative, or just downright silly invention. If you need an example of all this, go rent the episode 'Manos: Hands of Fate.'
Whoa! That was a mouthful. And now, the background of the spoof:
Thanks to a well placed plot contrivance, Rasputin has gotten his hands on Genie's lamp and has been awarded the usual three wishes. Since he can't wish himself back to life (Stupid rule number 3), he has wished for the next best thing--revenge! Not revenge against Anya and company, but revenge against the corporation he blames for the mediocre performance of his movie: Disney. In what he considers poetic justice, three of Disney's top stars are trapped in a dungeon of a castle (specifically the Dungeon of Love {DOL [Disney's Out of Luck]}) and forced to read bad fan-fiction until thier sanity snaps.
Make sense? Well, in any case, enjoy the story. And if the fourth wall comes down, or you don't get a joke, or someone seems out of character, just repeat to yourself 'Its just a spoof.' You should really just relax. Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!
In a not too distant castle,
Somewhere in time and space.
A trio of Disney stars,
Were caught in a nasty place.
Trapped by a villain, who worked for Bluth,
An evil guy who really smelled uncouth.
Since his body's started to decay
He's come up with a way to make those heroes pay!
Rasputin: I'll send them cheesy postings!
The worst I can find! (La la la!)
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll monitor their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
Where the postings begin and end.
They'll try too keep their sanity,
Until the very end!
Disney Roll Call:
Genie (Sorry guys...)
Gaston (The bad guy!)
Tarzan (Wow, the text scrolls!)
Clopin (Now *I* need sanctuary...)
Mulaaaaaaan (No cross dressing this time.)
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'Its just a spoof,'
You should really just relax.
And read Mystery AL Theater 3000!
TWAING!
(Clopin's bedroom. Clopin is trying to sleep. Loud crashing noises can be heard in the background. Tarzan enters the room and shuffles up to Clopin's bed. Tarzan is wearing tennis shoes, jeans, and a Tarzan T-shirt.)
Tarzan: (Quietly) Psst. Clopin.
Clopin: (Drowsy) Mughl... What?
Tarzan: Do we have any folding tables?
Clopin: (Drowsy) ...Try in the store room...
Tarzan: Thanks.
(Tarzan exits. Clopin goes back to sleep. More commotion in background. Tarzan reenters.)
Tarzan: Hey Clopin, where does Mulan keep her sparring dummies?
Clopin: (Drowsy) ...In the rec room. Where she spars...
Tarzan: Oh yeah. Thanks.
(Tarzan exits. Clopin goes back to sleep. More commotion. Tarzan reenters.)
Tarzan: Where do we keep the ladders?
Clopin: (Not quite so drowsy) Probably in the store room, near where you found the table...
Tarzan: Thanks.
(Tarzan exits... You know the drill... Tarzan reenters.)
Tarzan: Clopin, the ladder isn't not tall enough.
Clopin: (More annoyed than drowsy) Try putting in on another table.
Tarzan: Okay.
(Tarzan exits. Silence. Tarzan reenters.)
Clopin: (Annoyed) In the store room. Same place you found the first one.
Tarzan: Thanks.
(Tarzan exists. Even louder commotion.)
Clopin: (Annoyed) Well, I'm not getting any more sleep today. Better go see what Jungle Boy is up to.
(Hallway. Clopin is dressed in his usual jester garb. Though he's up, its obvious he'd rather be in bed. Halfway down the hall, he meets up with Mulan, who is wearing her usual robes, and sipping some tea.)
Mulan: (Cheerful) Good morning, Clopin.
Clopin: (Grumpy) Mmmmh...
Mulan: Aww, did you get woken up by Jungle Boy.
Clopin: Yeah. Speaking of whom, we'd best check up him. Whatever he's up to, it can't be good.
(Clopin and Mulan enter the Dungeon of Love (DOL), where they are instantly greeted by Tarzan.)
Tarzan: (Eager) Clopin! Mulan! Great, your up. I need your help with something.
Mulan: (Polite, yet skeptical) All right... What do you need help with?
Tarzan: Ahh... First I need you to watch this.
(Tarzan quickly puts a tape in the VCR and presses play. Clopin and Mulan walk over to the TV as Tarzan scurries off.)
Clopin: (Curious) I wonder what Jungle Boy wants up to watch?
Mulan: Just as long as it isn't one of those 'World's Greatest Magician' shows you always watch...
Clopin: (Indignant) There's nothing wrong with watching that! It's quality television!
(The TV picture clears. It shows two men beating each other up, with an overeager announcer doing a voice over. The first man (called 'Jeff' by the announcer) is about 6ft, 200 pounds, and wears jeans and funny looking armbands. The second man (referred to only as 'Buh Buh') is also around 6ft, 300 pounds, and wears pants and a shirt made of blue camo.)
Mulan: (Taken aback) What in the name of the ancestors is this?!
Clopin: Oh, it's just professional wrestling. Tarzan discovered it a few weeks ago and has been hooked on it ever since.
Mulan: (Nervous) Are you sure Tarzan should be watching this? I mean, it looks violent, and he's pretty impressionable.
Clopin: Don't worry, I've already talked to Tarzan about this. Y'see its all fake. If you look closely you can see the wrestlers are pulling their punches. It's just one big stage performance. Nobody really gets hurt.
(While Mulan and Clopin are talking, Jeff knocks out Buh Buh and lays him on a table. Jeff then sets up a (very tall) ladder behind the table. Jeff climbs the ladder, pauses for a moment at the top, then dives off. Jeff performs a 270 degree somersault, landing back-first onto Buh Buh. The table snaps, and Jeff's momentum causes him roll to his knees. Jeff falls forward, seemingly unconscious. The announcer has an aneurysm.)
Mulan: (Stunned) By the Ancestors...
Clopin: (Equally stunned) Okay, *most* of the time nobody gets hurt.
Mulan: Tarzan, why did you want us to... Oh, no...
(In the back of the Dungeon, Tarzan has built a display much like the one just seen on TV. First, there is a table with one of Mulan's straw sparring dummies laid on it. Behind the first table is a second table with a ladder on top of it. Tarzan is standing atop the ladder.)
Tarzan: Just tell me if my form is good!
Mulan: (Frantic) Tarzan! No! don't--
(Tarzan dives off.)
Mulan: (Trailing off) ...jump.
(Tarzan gracefully performs the same move seen earlier, snapping both the table and the dummy. After landing, Tarzan rolls to his feet, at which point his eyes glaze over, and he falls back into the wreckage. Mulan and Clopin rush forward.)
Mulan: (Anxious, while trying to revive Tarzan) Tarzan! Tarzan! Are you all right?!
Clopin: (Puts three fingers in front of Tarzan's face) Okay, buddy, tell me how many fingers I'm holding up.
(With his eyes still glazed over, Tarzan counts to three on his fingers.)
Mulan: (Relieved) Three fingers, good. He can't be too hurt.
(Tarzan continues counting. He switches hands.)
Mulan: (Anxious) Well, a little brain damage ever hurt anyone... Too much...
(Tarzan is still counting. The Bells of Notre Dame start ringing.)
Mulan: (Sarcastic) Wonderful. Now the Three Amigos are calling. C'mon Clopin, help me get Jungle Boy on his feet.
(Clopin and Mulan help a still dazed Tarzan to his feet. They walk over to 'the desk,' where there is a flashing yellow light. Clopin reaches out and taps the light.)
Clopin: (Artificially cheerful.) Good morning sirs. What can we do for you?
(Tower 13. Rasputin is facing the screen, with a very anxious Genie by his side. Disney's Gaston is in the background putting the finishing touches on his hair.)
Rasputin: Well, it would be nice if you would break down and beg for mercy. Admitting once and for all that you are inferior and that I work for the better company.
(DOL.)
Clopin: (Making a big show of thinking things over) Eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh, no.
(Tower 13. Gaston is now flexing his arms and inspecting his biceps.
Rasputin: I thought not. So let's go straight to the sidekick exchange. You can go first.
(DOL. Monkey see, monkey do. Tarzan is imitating Gaston's posturing.)
Clopin: (As Ace Ventura) Allllllrighty then!
Mulan: (Angry) But first, I have a question. Gaston, just who the heck do you think you're impressing?!
Tarzan: (Curious) And how do get triceps to bulge out like that?
(Tower 13.)
Gaston: (Cheerful, completely oblivious to Mulan) Excercise, my friend. Excercise, and a long term, healthy diet high in protein and complex carbohydrates.
(DOL.)
Clopin: Anywho, we decided to base today's sidekick on one of the most successful movie sidekicks ever.
(Mulan holds up a poster of Chewbacca.)
Clopin: Chewbacca! Han Solo's irrepressible sidekick from Star Wars IV-VI. He's big, strong, yet still cute and fuzzy. The only problem is, Chewie is an alien, and thus can only appear in Sci-Fi films, which are unheard of in the animated realm.
(Tower 13.(
Rasputin: (Disdainful) At least to your puny minds.
(DOL.)
Clopin: (Oblivious) We've gotten around this problem by turning him into a human. We've made him shorter, removed most of the hair, and gave him the ability to speak English.
(Mulan holds up a poster showing Chewbacca II. Use your imagination here.)
Mulan: However, by doing this, we lose the 'barbarian mystique' that made Chewbacca so memorable. To reclaim the mystique, we've bulked up our character, and lowered his intelligence to that of a below average gerbil.
(Mulan holds up a third poster. On this poster is a portrait of Gaston, with blond hair.)
Clopin: So there you have it! Our all-brawn no-brain sidekick, ready to be the butt of every joke in the film.
(Tower 13. Rasputin is unchanged. Genie is wearing a quizzical expression and looking back and forth between the screen and Gaston. Gaston is oblivious.)
Gaston: (Suave) Hmm. Not bad. But you might want to tone down his good looks, unless you want the joke of the film to be the heroine falling for the sidekick.
(Genie pulls out a sign that says 'HIM?' and points it at Gaston.)
Gaston: (To Rasputin) Shall I show them our idea, boss?
Rasputin: Go right ahead.
Gaston: Yes sir. Well folks, as you know, our big blue friend here...
(Gaston grabs Genie and pulls him toward the screen.)
Gaston: ...was voiced by a well known stand-up comic. It was a good act, and spawned many copycat characters, such as your dragon and ape friend.
(DOL.)
Mulan: (Indignant) Hey! Leave Mushu out of this.
Tarzan: (Thinking) I had lots of ape friends...
(Tower 13.)
Gaston: Anyway, we think we've come up with a good way to continue this trend. Genie, if you would...
(Genie snaps his fingers, and a small, animated bird appears on Gaston's shoulder.)
Bird: Now you can call me Gray. Or you can call me Jay. Or you can call me Gray Jay.
(Genie snaps his fingers again and the bird disappears.)
Gaston: Our character is a forest-dwelling Gray Jay, and, as you've probably guessed, is voiced by none other than Ray J. Johnson. He follows the hero and does nothing but provide witty commentary at appropriate moments. Pretty great idea, wouldn't you say?
(DOL. All have disturbed expression on their faces.)
Mulan: (Blunt) No.
Clopin: After a sidekick like that, I'm almost looking forward to today's experiment.
(Tower 13.)
Rasputin: (Devious) Well, you shouldn't. It's a spam.
(DOL.)
Mulan: (Depressed) Canned meat. Great. I had almost forgotten what travel rations taste like.
(Tower 13. In the background, Genie has split himself into several Monty Python-esque characters and formed a chorus line. They quietly begin to chant the 'Spam Song.')
Rasputin: Not the meat, the message. 'Spam' is the term given to unsolicited internet advertisements. Most often, spams take the form of e-mails or off-topic posts on newsgroups or whatnot. This particular spam was posted on the Animated Lust forum.
(As Rasputin is speaking, the Genies' chanting gets louder and harder to ignore.)
Genies: (Singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam!
Rasputin: (Yelling, to the Genies) Will you be quiet?! I can barely hear myself think!
(The Genies shut up.)
Rasputin: Where was I? ...Ah yes, the Animated Lust forum. Let me assure you, it has nothing to do with either. Genie, send the post.
(The Genies have started up their chorus again, and crescendo for a grand finale.>
(As the song finishes, the Genies snap their fingers and disappear with a puff of smoke. Cut to the DOL, where the Bells of Notre Dame start ringing. General pandemonium ensues.)
Clopin: We've got post sign!
(All exit. Start door sequence.)
~6~ *5* =4= {3} [2] (1)
(Theater. Tarzan rushes in first to take his usual spot (right in front of the screen) but misjudges the distance and runs into the screen.)
Mulan: Tarzan, maybe you should sit in one of the chairs just this once...
Tarzan: (Dazed) Okay...
(All take their seats. From left to right: Tarzan, Clopin, and Mulan.)
>
>GET $40,000 WITH ONLY 6 BUCKS!!! THIS IS NOT A SCAM!!!
>by javier a.
Mulan: What kind of stupid name is 'Javier?'
Clopin: (Indignant) Its French!
Mulan: I repeat...
>
>Original post:
>
>A while back, I was browsing these newsgroups, just like you are now,
Tarzan: I thought we were stuck in a dungeon reading crappy fanfics.
>and came across an article similar to this
Clopin: Stupid and uncalled for?
>that said you could make thousands of CASH within weeks with only an
>initial investment of
>$6.00 plus stamps!
Mulan: So that would make the actual cost $7.98.
Clopin: Yes, but we charismatic types know that when thousands in CASH are at stake, you really don't have to sweat the details.
>So I thought, "Yeah, right, this must be a scam!"
Mulan: So did I! And I still do.
>But like most of us I was curious and kept reading.
Tarzan: So Clopin, this guy is saying that most people are locked in dungeons and forced to read postings?
Clopin: No, he's just lying.
>It said that if you send $1.00 to each of
>the 6 names and addresses listed in the article, you could make thousands
>in a very short period of time. You
>then place your own name and address at the bottom of the list at #6, and
>post the article to at least 300 newsgroups.
Mulan: 300?! But--But--That means making an ass of yourself all over the net!
>(There are about 32,000 of them out there and that's quite a
>large market pool). No catch, that was
>it.
Tarzan: How did we get from making money to fishing?
>Even though the investment was a measly $6,
Mulan: $7.98.
>I had three questions that
>needed to be answered before I could
Clopin: (As author) Cross the bridge.
Tarzan: (Haggard) What...is your name?
Mulan: (Haggard) What...is your quest?
Clopin: (Haggard) What...is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?.
>get involved in this sort of thing.
>
>1. IS THIS REALLY LEGAL?
Clopin: YES, BUT IT'S REALLY RUDE!
Mulan: (Holding ears) Not so loud!
>I called a lawyer first. The lawyer was a little sceptical
Clopin: He must mean 'skepticle.'
Mulan: No, he's right, its spelled 'sceptical.'
Tarzan: Um, guys, why are we arguing about this? It's not like any of us ever went to school.
>that I would
>actually make any CASH but he said it WAS
>LEGAL if I wanted to try it. I told him it sounded a lot like a
>chain letter but the details of the system (SEE
>BELOW)
(Tarzan looks beneath his seat.)
Tarzan: No CASH under here. Hey a gummi bear!
Mulan: If you actually eat that, I'm going to be violently ill.
>actually made it a legitimate legal business.
>
>2. IS OK WITH THE POST OFFICE OR IS IT MAIL FRAUD?
Clopin: Male fraud. You'd know *a lot* about that, wouldn't you Mulan.
Mulan: (Angry) Shut up!
>I called them:
>1-800-725-2161
Tarzan: So the post office people *want* to be known as a number?
>and they
>confirmed THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL! (See 18, h sections1302
>NS 1341 of Postal Lottery Laws).
Clopin: No thank you. This post is going to be painful enough.
>This clarifies
>the program of collecting names and addresses for a mailing list.
Mulan: Okay, so that clarifies the problem. What solves it?
Tarzan: Uh, Mulan, he said 'program,' not 'problem.'
Mulan: Oh boy... I'm misreading words already. This is going to be a loooooooong post...
>
>3. IS IT RIGHT?
All: NO!
>Well, everyone who sends me a buck has a good chance of
Clopin: (As author) Being laughed at. A lot.
>getting A LOT of CASH ... a much
>better chance than buying a lottery ticket!!!
>
>So, having these questions answered, I invested EXACTLY $7.92 ... six $1.00
>bills and six 32 cent postage
>stamps ... and boy
Mulan: (As author) Was I ever stupid! I completely forgot that postage went up to 33 cents. All my letters were returned!
>am I glad I did!!!
>Within 7 days, I started getting CASH in the mail!
Tarzan: (Curious) Why does he keep writing 'cash' in all caps?
Clopin: Good question. Maybe it's an acronym.
Mulan: 'Captain Aaron's Shiny Hair?'
>I was shocked!
Mulan: (Yelling) Damn you Pikachu! Damn you and your Thunderbolt attack!
Clopin: (Snide) Figures that the Oriental girl would make the anime reference.
Mulan: (Angry) Shut up, Frenchie!
>I figured
>it would end soon
Clopin: So did I at first, but I'm still stuck in this theater.
>and didn't give it another thought.
Clopin: (As author) After all, I only had four thoughts left and I had to make each one count.
Mulan: Guys, do think we ought to stop insulting the author.
Tarzan and Clopin: (Innocently) No.
Mulan: Just checking.
>But the CASH continued coming in. In my first week I made
>between $20 to $30.
>By the end of the second week I had a made a total of $1,000.00.
>In the third week I had over $10,000.00
Clopin: Its amazing how quickly counterfeiters learn to *make* Money. ...Get it? He made money?
Mulan: We got it. It just wasn't funny.
>and it
>was still growing. This is now my fourth week and I have made a
>total of just over $42,000 and it's still coming
>in .....
>It's certainly worth $6.00 and 6 stamps !!!
Mulan: (As author) But not the dishonor it brought on myself and my family.
Tarzan: What about your cow?
Mulan: sigh
>
>Also, make sure you print a copy of this article NOW,
Clopin: Better do it NOW, because in a few hours it'll be deleted for being off topic.
>so you can get the
>information off of it as you need it. I
>promise you that if you follow the directions exactly,
Clopin: (As author) You will get flamed. Repeatedly.
>that you will start
>making more CASH than you thought
>possible by doing something so easy!
Mulan: Actually, during the war, I made a lot of money looking through burnt-out buildings. That was pretty easy.
Clopin and Tarzan: *Stare at Mulan*
Mulan: (Quietly) Oops. I don't think I was supposed to mention that...
>
>Suggestion:
Tarzan: (Grave) Leave! Leave now, while you still can!
>Read this entire message carefully! (print it out or download
>it.) Follow the simple directions and
>watch the CASH come in!
All: *Laugh uncontrollably*
>It's easy. It's legal.
>And, your investment is only $6.00 (Plus postage)
Mulan: Which, if you believe the author, is $7.92.
Tarzan: Clopin, can we take a break, my head is spinning.
Mulan: (Quietly) Gee, I wonder why?
Clopin: We'll take a break when we get to the instructions.
>
>IMPORTANT: This is not a rip-off; it is not indecent; it is not illegal;
Clopin: It's just stupid...
>and it is virtually no risk - it really
>works!!!! If all of the following instructions are adhered to, you will
>receive extraordinary dividends.
Tarzan: Great! We can leave!
>
>PLEASE NOTE:
Tarzan: Gah! End already!
>Please follow these directions EXACTLY, and $50,000 or more can
>be yours in 20 to 60 days.
Clopin: I would like to point out that while the author has 'promised' us big returns, he has done nothing about guaranteeing it.
Mulan: The only thing this post guarantees is humiliation.
>This program
>remains successful because of the honesty and integrity of the
>participants.
Mulan: So none of your fiends could ever be involved with this...could they, Clopin?
Clopin: Actually, this does sound like something some of my friends would pull...
>Please continue its success by
>carefully adhering to the instructions.
>You will now become part of the Mail Order business. In this
>business your product is not solid and tangible, it's
>a service.
Clopin: Then who can we complain to about poor customer service?
>You are in the business of developing Mailing Lists. Many large
>corporations are happy to pay big
>bucks for quality lists.
Tarzan: But--I thought the point of this was just to make CASH! What are 'mailing lists?' How do they fit into this?
>However, the CASH made from the mailing lists is
>secondary to the income which is made
>from people like you and me asking to be included in that list.
Tarzan: (Confused, frantic) What on Earth did that mean?!
Clopin: I don't care, we're outa here.
(All exit.)
(1) [2] {3} =4= *5* ~6~
(DOL. Tarzan is sitting in a chair, with Genie, dressed as a nurse, looking over him. Mulan is sitting near them, watching the examination. Clopin is in the background looking through a magazine.)
Mulan: (Concerned) So, Genie, will he be okay?
Genie: (As a nurse) Oh, I should think so. Our little boy just has a few bumps, a few bruises, and a concussion or two. He should be fine. Just take two of these and call me in the morning.
(Genie hands two tablets to Tarzan. Genie disappears. Tarzan sniffs tablets, puts them in his mouth, then spits them out.)
Mulan: So, Tarzan. What have we learned from this little incident?
Tarzan: (Blank) That... I need a taller ladder?
Mulan: (Sighs) No, Tarzan. You don't need a taller ladder. That isn't the point. The point is that you almost killed yourself.
Tarzan: Oh, come on. I've done far worse to myself before. Remember my suicide dive in my movie? The one at the beginning, when I was a kid?
Mulan: Tarzan, your still missing the point. That was then, this is now. Back then you were diving into pools, with a fully trained Disney medical staff just off camera. Now you're diving through tables, with only a Genie, a clown, and a dead guy around.
Tarzan: (Confused) Um, which one of those are you?
Mulan: (Sighing again) Nevermind. Just promise me you won't try any more stunts like that.
Tarzan: (Disappointed) Okay, no jumping through table.
Mulan: And no fooling around with folding chairs, baseball bats, or any other blunt objects. Promise me that.
Tarzan: (Disappointed) Okay, I promise.
(Pause.)
Tarzan: (Turns to Clopin) Hey Clopin! Do we have any thumb tacks?
Clopin: (Loud) NO!!
Tarzan: Ah, so you've seen 'Hell in a Cell.'
Clopin: (Rubbing his head) I thought it was my X-files tape...
(Bells of Notre Dame go off.)
Clopin: Oh joy, post sign. Back to the theater...
(All exit.)
~6~ *5* =4= {3} [2] (1)
(All enter. Mulan and Clopin sit in their usual chairs, and Tarzan crouches inches in front of the screen.)
Mulan: Clopin, two questions. What is a 'Hell in a Cell,' and how are thumb tacks involved?
Clopin: You *really* don't want to know...
>Here are the 4 easy steps to success:
Mulan: Get a good education, respect your elders, work hard, and pray for just a little bit of luck.
>STEP 1: Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on
>each piece of paper "PLEASE PUT ME ON
>YOUR MAILING LIST." Now get 6 US $1.00 bills and
Tarzan: (As the Rock) Shine them up real good, turn those sumbitches sideways, and stick them straight up your CANDY ASS!
Mulan: Tarzan! Language!
Clopin: (Ominous) The boss isn't going to like this...
Rasputin: (Off screen) Nonsense. As long as I'm in charge you can say whatever you want.
Tarzan: (Childish, to Mulan) So there!
>place ONE inside
>EACH of the 6 pieces of paper so the
>bill will not be seen through the envelope (to prevent
>thievery).
Clopin: You're giving money to strangers, through the mail, and you're worried about theft... Are you stupid or just nuts?
>Place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal them.
>You should now have 6 sealed envelopes,
>each with a piece of paper stating the above phrase, your name and
>address, and a $1.00 bill.
Clopin: Thank you for that thrilling recap.
>What you are doing is creating a service.
Mulan: What you're doing is wasting your time.
>THIS IS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL!
Clopin: I DON'T CARE! IT'S STILL RUDE!
Mulan: (holding her ears) What did I tell you about yelling?
>You are requesting a
>legitimate service and you are
>paying for it!
Tarzan: (Confused) I thought we were *providing* a service.
Clopin: Don't think. It'll only make things worse.
>Like most of us I was a little skeptical
Clopin: (Triumphant) See! I told you it was 'skeptical!'
Mulan: No, you said it was 'scepticle.'
Tarzan: *sigh*
>and a little
>worried about the legal aspects of it all. So I
>checked it out with the U.S. Post Office (1-800-725-2161) and they
>confirmed that it is indeed legal!
Tarzan: Aaaugh! It's repeating itself! It'll never end!
>Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses:
Clopin: Tarzan, give us a drum-roll, please.
Tarzan: (Starts drumming on the screen.)
>
>
>#1)
Tarzan: (Drumming stops)
Well, that takes all the suspense out of things.
>David Amberwood
Tarzan: Amberwood... I don't think I've ever seen one of those. Is it anything like Oak?
>PO Box 36599
>Stoney Creek, ON L8E 5B2
>CANADA
Mulan: (Devious) Looks like we *can* blame Canada after all!
>
>#2) J. Thomas
>36 Easterly Drive
>East Sandwich, MA 02537
>
>#3)Christopher L. Sloan
Clopin: Figures that 'Section 31' is involved with this.
Tarzan: Huh?
Clopin: Trekkie reference.
>2200 Hickory St.
Tarzan: More trees! I'm starting to like this post.
>H.S.U. Box #14579
>Abilene, TX 79698
>
>#4) Kristen DeJoseph
Mulan: 'DeJoseph.' Another French fool.
Clopin: *Grumbles*
>138 Jansen Street
>Staten Island, NY 10312
Tarzan: (Singing) New York... Lookin' down on Central Park...
Clopin: Tarzan, prepare the mail bombs!
Tarzan: Aye, sir!
Mulan: Calm down boys...
>
>
>
>
Tarzan: (Timewarp voice) It's just a jump to the left... (Singing) And a--
>STEP 2:
Tarzan: (Singing) --The riiiiiiight!
Mulan: I don't care what Genie says, Tarzan hasn't been the same since that fall...
>Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move the
>other names up (6 becomes 5, 5
>becomes 4, etc...) and add YOUR Name as number 6 on the list.
>
>STEP 3: Change anything you need to,
Mulan: Like the postage amount...
>but try to keep this article as close
>to original as possible. Now, post your
>amended article to at least 300 newsgroups. (I think there are
>close to 32,000 groups)
Tarzan: Didn't we already go over this part?
>All you need is 300, but
>remember, the more you post, the more CASH you make! This is
>perfectly legal! If you have any doubts, refer to
>18 Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the Postal lottery laws.
Mulan: (Scared) You're right, Tarzan. It's repeating itself. May the ancestors have mercy on us...
>Keep a copy of these steps
>for yourself and, whenever you need CASH, you can use it again, and
>again.
Tarzan: (Numbly) ...And again, and again, and again...
>
>PLEASE REMEMBER that this program remains successful because of the
>honesty and integrity of the participants
Clopin: But using the same scam over and over really isn't honest...
>and by their carefully adhering to the directions. Look at it
>this way. If you are a person of
>integrity,
Tarzan: (As Kurt Angle) ...Intensity, and Intelligence, then you too can achieve the glory I have attained. It's true!
Mulan: Is that another wrestling reference?
Clopin: I think so...
Mulan: We need to find him some other shows...
>the program will continue and the CASH that so many others have
>received will come your way.
>NOTE: You may want to retain every name and address sent to you,
>either on a computer or hard copy and keep
>the notes people send you.
Clopin: ...Okay... Why?
>This VERIFIES that you are truly providing a
>service.
Clopin: ...Even though we still haven't figured out what kind of service it is yet...
>(Also, it might be a good idea
>to wrap the $1 bill in dark paper to reduce
>the risk of mail theft.)
Mulan: (As author) I probably should have mentioned that when I was talking about theft earlier, but I forgot and am too lazy to go back up and correct it.
>So, as each post is downloaded and the directions
>carefully followed,
>six members will be reimbursed for their participation as a List
>Developer
Tarzan: When did we become a 'List Developer?'
>with one dollar each. Your name will
>move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the #1
>position you will be receiving thousands of
>CASH in CASH!!!
Clopin: (Sarcastic) God forbid you receive thousands of CASH in checks...
Tarzan: (Frantic) How on Earth does geometry fit into this?
Mulan: Calm down Tarzan. I'm sure its almost over.
>What an opportunity for only $6.00 ($1.00 for each of the
>first six people listed above)
Mulan: Plus $1.98 in postage...
>Send
>it now, add your own name to the list and you're in business!
Mulan: Well, that sounds like a closing statement if ever I've heard one. Let's get out of here.
>
>---DIRECTIONS ----- FOR HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS
Mulan: ...Or not.
Clopin: If you don't know how to post on newsgroups, you really shouldn't be on the net.
>
>Step 1) You do not need to re-type this entire letter to do your own
>posting.
Clopin: In fact, you don't even need to finish reading this! Leave now!
>Simply put your cursor at the
>beginning of this letter and drag your cursor to the bottom of this
>letter, and select 'copy' from the edit menu.
>This will copy the entire letter into the computer's memory.
Mulan: Oh come on...Not even Gaston needs instructions this simple.
>Step 2) Open a blank 'notepad' file and place your cursor
Mulan: (Sarcastic) Wonderful, now we get more cursing.
Tarzan: Cool! I'll throw out a catch-phrase next chance I get.
Mulan: *sigh*
>at the top
>of the blank page. From the 'edit' menu select
>'paste'. This will paste a copy of the letter into notepad so that
>you can add your name to the list.
Clopin: Just make sure it's a good name, or someone else might take it off during the elimination round.
Mulan: Huh?
Clopin: VH1 Reference.
Mulan: Am I the only one who doesn't spend all her time in front of the television?
>Step 3) Save your new notepad file as a .txt file.
Clopin: As opposed to a .GIF file.
>If you want to do
>your postings in different settings, you'll
>always have this file to go back to.
Tarzan: (Frantic again) 'Setting?' As in a story?! I thought we were making CASH! How does fiction get into this?!
Mulan: Calm down Tarzan. Just breathe deep and think happy thoughts...
Tarzan: (Mellow) Mmmmmm... Skateboarding...
>Step 4) Use Netscape or Internet explorer and try searching for
>various newsgroups (on-line forums, message
>boards, chat sites, discussions.)
Clopin: (Salesperson) This definition has been brought to you by Merriam Webster. Merriam Webster, for all your literary needs.
>Step 5) Visit these message boards and post this article as a new
>message
Clopin: Even though it's anything but new... Seeing as how the author is encouraging us to copy it word for word.
>by highlighting the text of this letter
>and selecting paste from the edit menu. Fill in the Subject, this
>will be the header
>that everyone sees as they scroll through the list of postings in a
>particular group, click the post message button.
Tarzan: Wow. That was one heck of a run-on sentence.
Mulan: And it made no sense, to boot.
>You're done with your first one!
Clopin: I just want to be done with this post.
>Congratulations...THAT'S IT! All you have to do is jump to different
>newsgroups and post away,
Tarzan: (Curious) Is that another term for 'going postal?'
Mulan: Ah, no.
>after you get
>the hang of it, it will take about 30 seconds for each newsgroup!
>
>**REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN,
Clopin: (As author) THE MORE PEOPLE YOU ANNOY!
>THE MORE CASH YOU WILL MAKE!!
>BUT YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 300**
Mulan: And what's going to happen if we only post to 298? Are you gonna come around and break our kneecaps?
>That's it! You will begin receiving CASH from around the world
>within days!
Tarzan: Yeah, but I really don't have any use for Isle of Yap currency.
Mulan: That's the island that uses giant stone wheels for money, right?
Tarzan: Yup.
>You may eventually want to rent a
>P.O.Box due to the large amount of mail you will receive. If you wish to
>stay anonymous, you can invent
>a name to use, as long as the postman will deliver it.
Clopin: (Sarcastic) Yeah, that really sounds like an something a person of integrity would do. So much for the success of this letter.
Tarzan: (Thinking) No integrity, no intelligence, the only thing this guy has is intensity. I doubt even Kurt could succeed with only one 'I.'
>**JUST MAKE SURE ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE CORRECT.**
Clopin: (Weary) It's over. It's finally over...
Mulan: Let's get out of here!
(All exit.)
(1) [2] {3} =4= *5* ~6~
(DOL. All look exhausted.)
Clopin: Man, I can't believe that post. It just went on and on...
Tarzan: ...And on, and on, and on...
Mulan: I know what you mean. It seemed like it was repeating itself.
Tarzan: ...And on, and on, and on...
Clopin: Well, lets see how the Warner Brothers are feeling.
Tarzan: ...And on, and on, and on...
(Clopin hits the button. Cut to Tower 13. All are present.)
Rasputin: (Scowling) Watch the names, Joker. I still have two wishes left. I could always make Genie here send you on a (pause) 'Journey to the Past.' Then you'll be stuck back 'At the Beginning.'
Gaston: (Chuckling) Good one, boss. You do that and they'll really be reading a 'Tale as Old as Time.'
Genie: (Catching onto the joke) Guys, I just want you to know that even though you've got enemies like these two, you'll always have a 'Friend Like Me.'
(DOL.)
Tarzan: Genie, I'm touched. 'You'll be in My Heart.'
Clopin: (Melodramatic) At least until the 'Bells of Notre Dame' start ringing and we go back into the theater. Or until we escape, when we'll all be 'Out There.'
(Tower 13. Gaston is laughing quietly.)
Rasputin: (Holding back laughter) Just remember to invite us all to your next Festival of Fools. That way we can all be 'Together in Paris!'
Genie: (Dramatic) And once we save the Persian Embassy from the fire, 'Prince Ali' shall dub us all 'Arabian (K)Nights!'
(DOL. Clopin and Tarzan are both laughing.)
Mulan: And once knighted, I'll really 'Make a Man out of You.'
(Tower 13. Genie's face is deep crimson. Rasputin and Gaston are holding back a different type of laughter.)
Rasputin: You know, I just might take you up on that... 'In the Dark of the Night!'
(Rasputin and Gaston break down into deep, manly laughter.)
Gaston: (Trying to compose himself) I... I guess Mulan really does want 'More Than This Provincial Life!'
(Gaston and Rasputin begin laughing anew. Cut to DOL.)
Tarzan: Eww.
Clopin: (Snide) Mulan, I've always known you were a perv.
Mulan: (Angry) Shut up!
(Tower 13. Gaston and Rasputin are still laughing. Rasputin is laughing so hard his limbs have begun to come off.)
Genie: (Nervous) Um, these two look like they're going to be laughing about this for a while. You might want to go back and theater and finish your post. That should give them enough time to cool down... I hope...
(DOL. All have fearful expressions on their faces.)
Tarzan: There's ...More?!
Mulan: Oh no...
(Bells of Notre Dame begin ringing. Pandemonium ensues.)
Clopin: We've got post sign! Again!
(All exit. Begin door sequence.)
~6~ *5* =4= {3} [2] (1)
(All enter.)
Tarzan: I can't believe there is more...I mean, what hasn't been said already?
Clopin: Nothing. That being the case, I'm leaving.
(Clopin ducks down into his seat.)
Mulan: (Condescending) I hate to break it to you, Clopin, but you're still in the theater, and you're still going to have to read the post.
>Now the WHY part:
(Clopin's 'Mini Me' jester puppet pops up from the seat.)
Puppet: (Clopin speaking in a falsetto voice) Why?!
Mulan: (Buries face in hands) Not again...
>Out of 300 postings, say I receive only 7
>replies (a very low example).
Mulan: After sitting through all this, I'd consider that a very high example.
>So then I made $7.00 with my name at #6
>on the letter.
Tarzan: Whoopdy-Friggin-Doo.
>Now, each of the 7 persons who just sent me $1.00 make the
>MINIMUM
Puppet: Minimum!
Mulan: Stop it.
>300 postings,
>each with my name at #5
Puppet: Johnny Five...Is alive!
Tarzan: (Chuckling) Good one Clopin.
>and only 7 persons respond to each of the 7
>original 7,
Tarzan: As opposed to each of the 4 original 7?
>that is another $49.00 for me,
>now those 49 each make 300 MINIMUM
Puppet: Minimum!
Mulan: Clopin, your puppet really needs a new routine.
>posts with my name at #4 and only 7
>replies each, I will bring in an
>additional $343.00!
>Now, those 343
>persons turn around and
>post the MINIMUM
Puppet: Minimum!
Mulan: *Growls*
Tarzan: Mulan, just ignore him.
>300 with my name at #3
>and
>only receive 7 replies each, I will make an additional $2401.00! OK,
Puppet: Okay!
>now here is the fun part,
Tarzan: (Excited) We're leaving?!
>each of those 2401
>persons post a MINIMUM 300 letters with my name
>at #2
Puppet: (As author) On the 'Ten Most Wanted' list...
>and they each only receive 7 replies, that just made me $16,807.00!!!
>Those 16807 persons will all deliver
>this message to 300 newsgroups with my name at #1 and if still 7
persons
>per 300 Newsgroups react I will
>receive $117,649.00! With an original investment
>of only $6.00!
Mulan: (As author) And my pride and dignity.
>And some stamps.
Mulan: Those too.
>AMAZING!
Puppet: Amazing!
>When your name is no longer on the list,
Tarzan: (As author) People will no longer despise you.
>you just take the latest
>posting in the newsgroups, and send out another
>$6.00 to names on the list, putting your name at number 6
>again.
Puppet: And thus, the circle of spam begins anew...
>And start posting again.
Tarzan: (Dazed) ...And again, and again, and again...
>The thing to remember is:
>do you realize that thousands of people all over the
>world are joining the internet and
>reading these articles everyday?
Tarzan: Yes. But why do I need to remember that question? Wouldn't some statement of fact be more useful?
Mulan: Yes, but Javier can't be bothered with details like that.
>JUST LIKE YOU are now!!
Puppet: Just like you!
>So, can you afford
>$6.00 and see if it really
>works?? I think so...
Mulan: But do we want to bring dishonor onto our name by associating ourselves with this post?
Puppet: I think not...
>People have said,
Mulan: People say many things. That doesn't make any of it right.
>"what if the plan is played out and no one sends you the
>CASH?
Puppet: Cash!
>So what!
Tarzan: 'So what!'? Isn't that usually a question? How can that be a definitive statement?
Mulan: Calm down Tarzan. It's just a grammar mistake.
>What are the
>chances of that happening when there are tons of new honest users and new
>honest people who are joining the
>internet and newsgroups everyday and are willing to give it a try?
Puppet: Very low.
Mulan: (Under her breath) Sadly...
Clopin: (Normal voice) Hey, there's a sucker born every minute. Trust me on that...
>Estimates are at 20,000 to 50,000 new users, every day, with thousands of
>those joining the actual internet.
Mulan: This is turning into a Cisco Systems commercial.
Tarzan: I hate to bring it up, but this guy never closed his quotation mark...
>Remember, play FAIRLY
Puppet: Fairly!
>and HONESTLY
Puppet: Honestly!
>and this will really work.
Puppet: Yeah! We're done.
>By the way,
Puppet: Damn!
Mulan: Listen Frenchie, I have enough of a problem keeping Tarzan clean! I don't need you doing it too!
>if you try to deceive people by posting the messages with
>your name in the list and not sending
>the CASH
Puppet: Cash!
<Mulan yanks the puppet off of Clopin's hand, and throws it across the theater.
Clopin: (Indignant) Hey!
Mulan: I should have done that a long time ago...
>to the rest of the people already on the list, you will NOT
>get as much.
Tarzan: (Thinking) Um... Why not? The people already on the list already sent out their money. Only the new readers send you money. And they have no way of knowing if you've been honest or not.
Mulan: Tarzan, your putting too much thought into this.
>Someone I talked
>to knew someone who
Tarzan: (As author) Knew someone else whose cousin had an old girlfriend whose brother befriended a priest who heard someone confess that he--
>did that and he only made about $150.00,
Clopin: Wow. Congratulations, Jungle Boy. That was impressive!
>and that's after seven or eight weeks! Then he
>sent the 6 $1.00 bills, people added him to their lists, and in
>4-5 weeks he had over $10k.
Tarzan: But--But--The only people who would add you to the list are those that read your posts! Their honesty matters! Not yours! It doesn't--
Clopin: Calm down, Tarzan. He's probably just saying that to scare you. Salesmen do that all the time...
>This is the fairest and most honest way I have ever seen to share the
>wealth of the world without costing
>anything but our time!!!
Mulan: And our sanity, if Rasputin finds any more of these posts...
Clopin: Besides, who really wants to share the wealth anyway. I sure don't...
Mulan: (Angry) Clopin!
Clopin: (Snide) Oh yeah, the young Chinese peasants do...That's why they killed off the older generation back in the 40's...
Mulan: (Angry) Shut up, Frenchie!
Clopin: (Angry) Make me, Han!
Mulan: (Angry) Frank!
Clopin: (Yelling) Commie!
Mulan: (Yelling) Bourgeoisie Pig!
Tarzan: (Rushing between the two) Whoa! Guys, calm down! No need to get vicious while we're still in the theater!
>You also may want to buy mailing and e-mail lists
>for future CASH.
Tarzan: What?!
>Make sure you print this article out RIGHT NOW!
Clopin: Again, because if you wait too long, the post will be deleted. ...If only Rasputin weren't so punctual...
> Also, try to keep a list of
>everyone that sends you CASH and
>always keep an eye on the newsgroups to make sure everyone
>is playing fairly.
Tarzan: Um, the odds of you actually *catching* somebody cheating is practically nil. Anyway, what will you do if you do catch them? Slap them on the wrist?
>Remember, HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
Clopin: *Chuckles quietly*
>You don't need to cheat the basic idea to make the CASH!!
Clopin: No, but that doesn't mean you can't.
Mulan: *sighs*
>GOOD LUCK to all and please
>play fairly
Tarzan: (As author) Because if you don't, you're only cheating...Me.
>and reap the huge rewards from this, which is tons of
>extra CASH.
>
>Please remember to declare your extra income. Thanks once again...
Mulan: Well, there's a closing statement if ever I've heard one.
>"People have asked me
Mulan: (Depressed) ...Or not...
Clopin: This sounds familiar...
>if this is really legal. Well, it is! You are using
>the Internet to advertise your business.
>What is that business?
Clopin: I was right! It is repeating itself. (Pause) We're doomed...
>You are creating a mailing list of people who are
>interested in home based computer and
>online business and methods of generating income at home.
Tarzan: No we're not! We're acquiring money from gullible people! And if we were creating a mailing list, we'd only have seven names!
Clopin: Actually, I think he's talking about keeping a list of people who send you the money.
Tarzan: Well why didn't he say that? After all, he's explained everything else in excruciating detail...
>Remember, people send
>you a small fee to be added to your mailing list. It is legal. what will
>you do with your list of thousands of names?
Mulan: Burn it.
Clopin: Label it as 'Pagans' and send it to the Jehovah Witnesses.
Tarzan: Send hate mail to UFC fighters with their return addresses.
>That's up to you."
Tarzan and Clopin: *Grin maniacally*
Mulan: (Warning) Guys...
>So, build your mailing list, keep good accounts, declare
>the income and pay your taxes.
Clopin: I think I'll pass. On all of those.
>By doing this you prove your business intentions.
Tarzan: Yeah. Whatever.
>Keep an eye on the newsgroups
Mulan: Whatever happened to not giving this a second thought?
>and when the cash has stopped
>coming (that means your name is no longer on the list),
Tarzan: Duuuuuuh!
>you just take the latest posting at the
>newsgroups, send another $6.00 to the names stated on the list,
>make your corrections (put your name at #6) and
>start posting again.
Clopin: Or you could just repost your original copy, as was earlier suggested.
>NOTES:
Mulan: (Depressed) After this we'll have an epilogue, glossary, several appendices...
>*1. In some countries, the export of the country's exchange is illegal.
Tarzan: In other cases its just silly. Like the Isle of Yap.
Mulan: Or Turkey. One Lira is practically worthless.
Clopin: Which brings us to your native currency...
>But you can get the license to do this from
>the post office, explaining the above statements
Clopin: (As author) ...That you are participating in an internet scam.
Tarzan: Or you could just not tell them. I mean, are they actually going to look inside your mail?
>(that you have an online
>business, etc. You may have to pay an
>extra tax, but that's OK, the amount of the incoming CASH is HUGE! And as I
>said, a few countries have that
>restriction.
>*2.
Tarzan: Um... He never closed his parenthesees...
>You may want to buy mailing and e-mail lists for future CASH.
Mulan: Okay... Why?
>(Or Database or Spreadsheet software.)
Mulan: Again, why?
>*3. If you're really not sure or still think this can't be for real, please
>print a copy of this article and give it to
>someone who really needs the CASH, and see what happens.
Clopin: Because if you're not sure about something, try it on a friend first. That way, if it doesn't work, you don't get hurt!
>*4. You will start getting responses within 1-2 weeks, it depends.
Mulan: (As author) On many things. But I'm not going to tell what.
>***ALSO REMEMBER***
>SEND YOUR $1 OUT TO EVERYONE ON THE LIST,
Clopin: (Sarcastic) Thanks, I almost forgot about that.
>EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT FROM THE U.S.
>
>WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???
Mulan: For the post to end. Then we're leaving.
>$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!$$$!!!
>
>
>Posted on Apr 07 2000 , 08:05 AM
Clopin: Deleted on Apr 07 2000, 10:05 AM.
>Respond to this message
Tarzan: All right. (Gets up) Javier, I've got two words for you. SUCK IT!!
(Tarzan starts crotch chopping the screen.)
Mulan: sighs
Rasputin: Well, the post is over. Let's see how our little friends handled today's experiment.
Gaston: I'll bet they've snapped after this one.
<Gaston hits the button.>
<DOL. Tarzan is sitting in a chair wearing headphones, strumming on an electric guitar, and singing to himself.
Tarzan: (Singing) Frame by frame! To the extreme!
One by one we're making it fun!
We are the cartoon heroes. Oh-OH-Oh.
We are the ones who are gonna last forever!
We came out of a crazy mind. Oh-OH-Oh.
And walked out on a piece of paper.
Here comes Spiderman! Arachnophobian!
Welcome to the toon town party.
Here comes Superman! From never never land!
Welcome to the toon-
Clopin: (Off screen, interrupting) Hey, Tarzan! We're ready now!
Tarzan: Oh! Right! Just gimme a sec...
(Tarzan hastily takes of his headphones. He makes sure the guitar is tuned right, then he turns up the volume.)
Tarzan: (On guitar) *Twaing* *Twaing* *TWAING*
(As the opening cords fade away, the camera pulls back to reveal the rest of the dungeon. Mulan is sitting behind a set of drums. Clopin is standing by a microphone, decked out in Kid Rock gear. Tarzan and Mulan begin playing Kid Rock's 'Cowboy.')
Clopin: (Singing, or at least what passes for singing...)
Well I'm quittin' my game and I'm a gettin' on the net,
Where real people make plans that they think are the best.
Found me a scam, searchin' late at night.
Think I'll try it, even though it ain't right.
And I'm a Kid Clop it up down your block,
With a mike in my hand, yeah I think I rock!
Find me a forum and I'll put up a post,
I put up 300, now I think I'll boast
'Bout how I did all this without gettin a flame.
No e-mail address, I just listed my name.
I annoyed lots' a people, and pissed off the stars,
But I don't mind 'cause I can still hit the bars.
I post in Tijuana...but I'm at home.
They're readin' my post from Rio to Rome.
I call this a service, without any reasons,
They'll be laughing at me, for many, many seasons.
Kid Clop from the Champs-Elysees.
And I'm gettin' on the net sucker
Because Wan make money, baby.
All: I got no job but I ain't whining.
Clopin: Money, baby.
All: Chillin' at home with my ball of twine.
Clopin: I wanna make money, baby.
All: Surfin' at night 'cause I sleep all day.
Clopin: Money, baby.
All: I smell like a pig from a mile away.
Clopin: (Singing)
I bet you'll hear my modem blarin' when I plug in
It goes (modem sounds) like dust in the wind.
Post here, post there, post out of my mind
I've been starin' at my screen, and now I'm blind.
Programs and food, and even the news,
I can get them on the net, without wearin' my shoes
I find a bunch of suckers and that just makes my day.
So I'm gonna let net know, I'm gonna make some
Money, baby.
All: I got no job but I ain't whining.
Clopin: Money, baby.
All: Chillin' at home with my ball of twine.
Clopin: I wanna make money, baby.
All: Surfin' at night 'cause I sleep all day.
Clopin: Money, baby.
All: I smell like a pig from a mile away.
Clopin: (Singing)
Yeah...Kid Clop...I'm the king of fools
Runnin' the show, and usin' the tools.
I earned a trip to jail, but I think I'll pass.
'Cause I still got friends and the law to harass,
And there ain't no way that I'm callin' a truce.
Call me Hoss, I'm the Boss, cause I sing like Bruce.
No remorse for the judge, in his eye I ain't right.
I'm gonna finish this party then I'll take up the fight. HUH!
Cause chaos, rock like Amadeus!
Find an up town pussy who acts real pious!
Thinks like a mayor, acts like a player.
He told us to leave, but I bet he can't make us!
He just thinks I'm a heel...Thinks I'll storm the Bastille!
Well, I ain't no G, just a regular Joe,
Don't got no girl that calls me beau.
Act like a fool... Talk through a puppet,
Ask me why, I'll just tell ya 'stuff it!'
I'm a struttin' my stuff up and down the streets,
So I'll keep on singin' till it falls into motion.
All: Money..
Clopin: I got no job but I ain't whining.
All: Money.
Clopin: Chillin' at home with my ball of twine.
All: Money.
Clopin: Surfin' at night 'cause I sleep all day.
All: Money.
Clopin: I smell like a pig from a mile away.
(Fade out. Cut to Tower 13.)
Gaston: (Trance-like) That... Made no sense whatsoever.
Rasputin: (Grinning) Gaston, I believe you're right! After months of posts, I have finally destroyed their sanity! Oh, happy day!
Gaston: (Oblivious to Rasputin) I mean, he started off singing as an Internet junkie... Then as himself... Random phrases...
(DOL. Mulan and Tarzan are in the foreground. In the background Clopin is drinking/dousing himself with a bottle of water, extreme sports style.)
Tarzan: Don't be too hard on Clopin. The original song didn't make much sense either.
Mulan: Yeah. I've been in the army and even I didn't recognize some of those words...
Tarzan: At first we wanted to do a 'Never Ending Story' parody, but Mulan wasn't up for it. This was the only other thing we could think of.
Mulan: Elbows Tarzan
(Tower 13.)
Rasputin: (Sour) Well, you may have survived this round, but the fight goes on. The net is big, and there is much you have yet too see. Until next time, peons...
(Rasputin hits the button.)
FWISH!
Disclaimer:
Tarzan, Mulan, Clopin, Genie, Gaston, and all related movies and references are copyright Disney.
Rasputin and all related references are copyright Fox Animation.
All MST3K concepts and references are copyright Best Brains Inc.
The opening stunt was originally performed by Jeff Hardy and Buh Buh Ray Dudley at WWF's Wrestlmania XVI.
The lyrics from 'Cartoon Heroes' are copyright Aqua and their record label.
'Cowboy' is copyright Kid Rock and his record label.
No copyright violations were intended. Please don't sue.
The Misted document was posted on the AL Forum, and thus is our property. Bwah-hahahahaha! We can do whatever we want to it! So just try and stop us!
The actual Mist is copyright myself, the ever humble Charlie Stadele.
Please direct all questions, comments, criticisms, and flames to cas5878@ksu.edu.
>2. IS OK WITH THE POST OFFICE OR IS IT MAIL FRAUD?
Clopin: Male fraud. You'd know *a lot* about that, wouldn't you Mulan.
Mulan: (Angry) Shut Up!
