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[DOL. All are huddled together listening intently to a broadcast from Tower 13. Mulan is hugging Tarzan protectively.]
Gizmo: (voice over) So, you see, it’s come to our attention that, erm, Tarzan is no longer the third favorite character at Animated Lust.
[Tarzan whimpers and snuggles closer to Mulan.]
Mulan: It’s okay. It’ll be alright.
Clopin: So, what does that mean to us, exactly?
[Cut to Tower 13. The Three Gs are at the screen.]
Gizmo: Basically...you’ll be getting a new partner.
Genie: Sorry, guys. Tarzan, you might want to get your stuff together. I’ll be sending you back to the jungle here in a moment.
[DOL.]
Tarzan: (whiny) But I don’t wanna... Wait. I’m going back to the jungle?! Like, no more bad fanfic!? Woohoo!
[Tarzan scampers off to his room to pack.]
Clopin: (livid) Hold the phone! You mean, Ape-boy is going home because he became less popular?!
[Tower 13.]
Gaston: That’s about the long and short of it. Rumor also has it that Monkeyman’s replacement is the number one most sought after harem member.
[DOL.]
[Clopin is stunned.]
Mulan: I see they’re finally starting to gain some sense around there, usurping you and everything.
[Tarzan bounds into the room in his typical loincloth, holding a small suitcase.]
Tarzan: (hurriedly) Hey, guys, thanks for everything. Clopin, I took one of your razors, hope you don’t mind. They’re so much easier to use than tree bark, you know. Mulan, [gives her a peck on the cheek] take care. Make sure Clopin doesn’t get into too much trouble, now. Clopin, man, stay cool. [begins to shake his hand, then embraces him. Clopin looks uncomfortable.] I love you, man!
[Clopin mumbles something unintelligible under his breath.]
Tarzan: (releasing the gypsy and composing himself) Alright, Genie. I’m ready.
[Clopin straightens his hat as Mulan brushes away a tear. Tarzan disappears in a puff of smoke, and in his place stands a young man with large eyes and a long braid.]
Mulan: (sizing him up; quietly) Mmmmm...
Duo Maxwell: Where am I?! What the hell just happened?
Clopin: (astounded) He’s the most sought after harem member?! You’ve got to be kidding me.
[The Bells go off.]
Mulan: (rushing for the theater) Just follow me! We’ll explain later!
Duo: (saunters in, glancing around) Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on?!
Mulan: (gesturing to the seat on her left) Just sit down. We’ve only got a bit more of the fic left, so if you can just bear with us for a few moments, we’ll get to the explaining bit.
>
Mulan: Wow. Even Pandora only gave herself three stars...
Duo: What is this?
>Jodie, Daria, and Jane walked into the
Clopin: (as author) ...path of an on-coming train.
>science lab with plenty of time before class started.
Duo: Who would want to go to class early? I thought the point of school was to procrastinate and show up two minutes AFTER the bell rang...
Mulan: Hmm, he catches on fast! Just keep making remarks like that, Duo.
>“Can you believe that lecture today?!? ‘Please take only one milk.
Clopin: What was that? ‘Please take all of the milk,’ was it?
>That milk costs money. Money that we need for more important matters, like
Mulan: (as speaker) ...actually teaching our students something.
>drug dogs and the brand new torture equipment that I special ordered from FBI R Us,’”
Clopin: I believe that’s FBI backwards R Us.
>Jane said, doing her best Li impersonation.
Duo: What is this crap? Why are we reading it?
Mulan: (quickly) Rasputin has us trapped here and is forcing us to read it and I'll play you the theme song later so you can understand.
>"And let’s not forget the guillotine she bought to use on tardy students,” Daria said as the bell rang.
Duo: Guillotine?
Clopin: (as Michael Palin) Yeah, first offense.
>“Okay, class. Today is DEAR Day,
Mulan: What?
>so everyone had better have a book to read.
Mulan: Uh... Robin, dear, you’ve lost me.
>Now, start reading,” commanded Barch.
Duo: Erm... We are reading...
>Just then, Mack walked in.
Clopin: Looks like it’s the guillotine for him.
>"Hold it right there you MAN, you. You think you can just waltz in here like that?!?
Clopin: He could polka into the room...
Duo: (grinning like a maniac) I think he should start a mosh pit!
Clopin: Raisin' da roof! [He and Duo begin dancing.]
Mulan: (exasperated) Can no one sit still through an entire fic?
>You're LATE. Oh, I bet you have a good excuse, too. Just like HE did.
Mulan: (as Mack) Um... Actually, I do have a pass...
>After twenty-two thankless years of having dinner ready on time, he started coming home late.
Clopin: Who had dinner ready on time, then?
>Sure he said he was at the office, but I knew where he REALLY was..."
Mulan: (dramatically) REALLY?
>By now, the whole class was looking on at the stare-down taking place between teacher and pupil.
Duo: (as author) It wasn’t particularly exciting, but anything was better than the story they were being forced to read.
>Mack clenching his fists and showing signs of weakness,
Clopin: (snorting) And he calls himself a MAN.
>Barch remaining calm and enjoying this immensely.
Mulan: I always knew there was something fundamentally wrong with that woman. Anyone who can enjoy this can’t be from this galaxy.
>“Don’t let her get to you.” Mack muttered to himself.
Duo: (as Mack) Don’t let her find out where you hid the Lucky Charms.
>“Don’t give in.”
>“What’s the matter, Mr. MacKenzie? Am I being too hard on you? Should I let you tell me you were at the office, too?”
Mulan: (as Mack) But I was at the office, I swear! I told you, I have a pass!
>Finally, he exploded.
Duo: Like an atomic bomb?
Clopin: Perhaps like a truck full of explosives in an action film!
>With voice full of pure hatred and countenance of stone,
Mulan: Stony! That's one of my ancestors!
Clopin: Mack's one of your ancestors?
Mulan: No!! I didn't say THAT!
>Mack fairly growled “You know, I’ve been taking your crap for two and a half years now.
Mulan: That's a lot of crab dip!
Duo: Erm...that says "crap."
Mulan: Oh. Hey, watch your mouth.
>I’ve tried not to let it get to me, but lately I’ve started losing it.
Duo: Losing what? His mind?
>I thought about taking the easy way out.
Mulan: Tums!
Clopin: Suicide isn't the answer, Mack.
>In fact, I got a withdraw form this morning. All I have to do is get my parents to sign it and I’m out of this class.”
Duo: (as Mack) And as soon as I get a better agent, I’m out of this story, as well!
>At this, a very self-satisfied smile spread across Barch’s lips. “Well, I’m sorry to hear tha…”
Mulan: I’m sorry to hear “tha...”, too.
>“But I’m not going to give you the pleasure. I’m not going to let you win.”
Duo: (as Mack) ...the Bingo game – you cheated!
>“Brave
Clopin: (as Neil Innes) ...Brave, Brave, Brave Sir Mack!
Mulan: (to Duo) Doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it?
>words, Mr. MacKenzie. But that’s all they are. You’re such a typical man.”
Mulan: (glancing at her colleagues) I could go for a typical man...
>“Maybe I am. But I’m not a quitter.”
Duo: (as Mack) ‘Cause quitters never quit and winners never win! Wait...
>He went to sit down. As he passed Jodie, their eyes met for an instant and she saw clearly
Mulan: (as author) ...now, for the rain had gone.
>the anguish she had caused. They adverted their eyes, both tearing
Duo: (as author) ...off their clothes-
[Mulan slaps him.]
Duo: (to Clopin) Is there something I should know about her?
Clopin: (snickering) I'll show you the movie later.
Mulan: (slapping him) You will do no such thing!
Clopin: Hey!
>up once again.
Duo: (gags) Who the hell put so much drama in this?!
Mulan: Ew! Look at the sap just rolling off the thing!
Clopin: What is this?! I wanna see car wrecks and gun play!
>Jodie went back to her book.
>“I’ve been cruel,” she said. “To you and my parents, to Harriet and to Sean.
Clopin: What the...?
>And I’m going to be punished for it. Time is going to leave my heart here with you,
Duo: (as whoever is being spoken to) Eeew! I don’t want that! That’s disgusting!
>while my body will go on.”
Clopin: (as Celine Dion) Once ::gasp:: more, I OOOOO-pen the door ::gasp::... [passes out]
>
Duo: Who the...?
Mulan: Caroline B. Cooney’s Both Sides of Time.
Clopin: (cautiously) I. See.
Duo: (snorts) You actually read that stuff?!
Mulan: (blushing) I was worried about Tarzan. I thought I’d see what he was reading. I hated every second of it.
[Clopin scoffs dubiously.]
[Mulan cracks up.]
Duo: Er... You okay, buddy?
[crickets chirp.]
>Through out the remainder of the day, Jodie made
Mulan: (as author) ...plans to destroy her ex.
>necessary arrangement to dodge
Duo: Dodge ball!
Mulan: Dodge City!
>Mack.
Duo: Dodge Mack. Hmm... I just don’t know if such a slow car will catch on.
>They met up again in Economics, but avoiding each other was easy,
Mulan: Well, if they’re avoiding each other, they didn’t exactly meet, did they?
>as Bennett was drawing another impossible chalk configuration and everyone was asleep anyway.
[Mulan and Duo are snoring.]
Mulan: (waking) Huh?
Duo: What was that?
Clopin: Owww...
>After what was possibly the longest day of her life, the bell finally rang.
Duo: That brought about the longest day of her life?! Obviously, she’s never forgotten to study for a Geometry test.
>“If you haven’t finished, it’s homework. Have a nice day,” Mr. Doyle said as his Calculus class made a beeline for the door.
Duo: A beeline... That’s an odd term. Wonder where it came from?
Clopin: Line, nothing! More like a mad rush!
Mulan: (puzzled) How is it you know so much about school?
Clopin: (as Graham Chapman) You have to know these things when you’re a king, you know.
Mulan: (cautiously) I see... Wait...weren't you sort of unconcious a minute ago?
Clopin: I've always been a quick healer.
>Jodie started toward her French Club
Duo: French Club! HA! Bet she’s the only member.
Clopin: Hey! One French joke per episode, okay?!
Duo: Oh, I’m sorry. Has that already been covered?
Mulan: Yeah. I ran it into the ground earlier.
Duo: No problem! I'll try to keep my mouth shut about it from now on. [smiles]
>meeting, then thought better of it. She turned around and headed toward the bus.
Clopin: Where she was promptly flattened by a renegade Volkswagon.
>During the bus ride, she began thinking over the list of activities she was currently involved in.
Mulan: Dispensing mediocre advice, accusing Daria of being narrow minded, starring in crappy fanfiction…
>I have a responsibility to the SCA, and I really like debate.
Clopin: (scoffing) Debate sucks!
Duo: Does not!
Clopin: It does! It’s ridiculous!
Duo: It teaches students important skills needed in today’s fast-changing corporate world.
Clopin: It’s only purpose is to supply the world with more reptilian lawyers.
Duo: No it isn’t!
Clopin: Yes, it is!
Duo: We're debating! Ha ha!
Clopin: Dammit.
>I guess I’ll drop everything else.
All: (make clattering noises)
>Starting with tennis.
Mulan: Get the feeling that the author has some deep harboured resentment for tennis?
Clopin: (sarcastically) Noooooo.
>She got off the bus at her stop, walked into her house, dropped her bag, and almost made it upstairs.
Duo: (as author) ...before the bus exploded. Her years of torture had finally been avenged.
Mulan: Now, don’t you start it, too.
>“Why are you home so early? Don’t you have French Club”
Mulan: Can we get a question mark, please? Anyone? Anyone have a question mark to spare?
Duo: I might have one. Hold on... Nope. That was an exclamation mark I stole from some guy at a message board.
>“I quit,” she replied and quickly ran up the stairs, leaving her father astonished.
Clopin: (as author) Before she got far, however, she did one of those really nifty Warner Bros.-ish double takes and called down the stairs, “Why are you home so early?”
>She locked her door, turned on her computer, and logged on to the Internet.
Duo: Well, at least she’s done something sensible today.
>She began a letter to DariaM and MsCarnage.
Mulan: MsCarnage? That’s...nice.
>Let’s get together
Clopin: (singing) Yeah, yeah, yeah!
>this weekend. How about cheese fries tomorrow?
Duo: Mmm... Artery clogging goodness.
>I think I’ll wear my black tee shirt.
Duo: That seemed a rather bizarre and totally irrelevant statement. Though, of course, there's nothing at all wrong with wearing black. It's quite a fashion statement, in fact.
>Then, a message from LeoMacKinzie
Clopin: Who?
>appeared in her mailbox.
Duo: (as author) It was filled with a fine, white powder. She inhaled deeply.
>I’ve been thinking about what you said. Thank you.
Clopin: (as “LeoMacKinzie”) I do need to take a long walk off a short pier, don’t I?
>She smiled to herself. Things were looking better.
Duo: I see no reason for things to look better...
>
>Notes
Mulan: B, A, G. B, A, G. G-G-G-G, A-A-A-A, B, A, G.
>~ This idea sprung
Clopin: BOING!
>from Austin Covello’s “A Day in the Life of Stacy” and Kara Wild’s essay “The Helen-Jane-Jodie Connection”.
Duo: Congratulations. I’m so happy for it.
>~ The title is from the American Girl series (yes, I did read them at one time *shudder *).
Mulan: She's even more of a loser than I had previously thought.
>Every girl has a book called Changes for (insert name of heroine here).
Clopin: Esmerelda
>Plus, I was out of ideas.
Clopin: (as author) So I pilfered one from a series I hate.
>~ Thanks to Morgan Jenkins for Ms. Barch’s man lecture.
All: (deadpan) Thanks, Morgan.
>~ I took the milk lecture from personal experience. I changed it around a little, but we had one.
Duo: (shaking his head) That is just pathetic.
>~ Thanks to my sis, Kelly, for Daria’s guillotine comment.
All: (deadpan) Thanks, Kelly.
>~ DEAR (Drop Everything And Read) Day is a program designed to force kids to
Clopin: (as author) ...put down their weapons of mass destruction and...
>read. Every Friday in Study Hall, students are made to read something whether they are failing a class and need tutoring or not.
Mulan: Sounds like she’s had personal experience...
>~ The passage Jodie read was from Caroline B. Cooney’s Both Sides of Time, copyrighted 1995.
Mulan: Told ya.
>~ DariaM can be seen in The Daria Database, Larissa made up LeoMacKinzie,
Duo: What does that even mean?
>and I came up with MsCarnage.
Mulan: I’m sure it took a lot out of you, too.
>~ All characters are copyright MTV, except Mr. Doyle and Mrs. Felter who are figments of my imagination.
Clopin: (as author) Despite the fact that I lifted both names from elsewhere…
>~ Thanks to Larissa and Bridget for helping me salvage this one somewhat and convincing me that I should try again.
All: (deadpan) Thanks, Larissa and Bridget.
>~ Send flames to gosalyn9@go.com.
Clopin: (opens his mouth to say something, then stops) Nope. That one is just too easy.
>This is my debut fic, so tell me exactly what you think. Like whether I should just forget the other two ideas I have or keep trying.
Mulan: Do we even have to answer that one?
>I guess you can send compliments here, too, but only because Larissa insists.
Clopin: (to Duo) Well, you survived your first third of a fanfic. I must to say, you did pretty well.
>-Jodie
Clopin: (as Pepperpot) But I don’t LIKE cheese fries!
Mulan: Alright, dear. You’ve more than filled your Monty Python quote quota for the day.
Mulan: I thought it was “MacKenzie”. With an ‘e’.
Mulan: Don’t ask me.
Clopin: (as author) Jodie’s naïve optimism, however, was short-lived, as it just so happened to be the Wednesday before we first meet Arthur Dent.
Mulan: Mulan
Duo: Relena [gags]
Clopin: Yes, you did.
Mulan: Am I good or am I good?
[Beat.]
Clopin: Did that conversation feel like it was written for Tarzan to you?
Mulan: (thoughtfully) Yeah, actually...
Clopin: Beats me.
Mulan: And you sat still through most of it. Which is more than I can say for anyone else I've worked with...
[Duo bows. All exit.]
[Tower 13. Rasputin has his back to the screen and is bellowing at the Three Gs.]
Rasputin: Imbeciles! What the hell did you think you were doing?!
Gizmo: Well, we saw that Duo was the third favorite character at AL, so we—
Rasputin: You totally missed the point! I’m exacting my revenge on Disney! Does that long-haired freak look like a Disney character to you?!
Gaston: (hesitantly) So, you want us to send Basil? He was number 4...
Rasputin: No! I want you to send Tarzan back to that dungeon and I want you to get Mr. Big Eyes the hell out of there before I have a lawsuit on my hands!
Genie: (timidly) Excuse me, sir, are you not just as liable, if not more so, to have a lawsuit from Disney?
Rasputin: Shut up and get to work!
[DOL.]
Duo: (ecstatic) So, you mean, I’m outta here?
Clopin: (crestfallen) He’s out of here?
Mulan: (conflicted) He’s out of here?
Duo: (incredibly excited) Well, it was nice meeting you guys, but I gue—
[Duo disappears. In his place, stands Tarzan, who appears to be passionately kissing the air. He continues thusly for a moment before realizing that something is amiss.]
Tarzan: What the... Oh, shit. No, no, no, this cannot be happening to me! Jane was wearing this little leopard-skin get up and she was [indicates hourglass figure] whooooa and we were about to make up for some lost time. Why!? [sits down and puts his head in his hands] Smeggin’ hell.
Mulan: (attempting to console the weeping man) It’s alright, dear. It’ll be fine. I’m always here if you need me.
Tarzan: (sizing her up) Eeeeww!
[There is an uneasy silence, after which Mulan slaps him across the face and stomps off. Tarzan fingers the welt on his cheek and continues weeping.]
Clopin: Mrs. Potts, get me a Pangalactic Gargleblaster. And hurry it up. It’s gonna be a long night.
>FWISH!<
Disclaimer:
Tarzan, Mulan, Clopin, Genie, Gizmo, Gaston, Mrs. Potts, and all related movies and references are copyright Disney.
Rasputin and all related references are copyright Fox Animation.
Duo Maxwell, Gundam Wing, and all related references are copyright Bandai.
Rameses is copyright DreamWorks.
Mystery Disney Science Theater 2000 and Beyond was alluded to courtesy of Roaming Tigress.
All MST3K concepts and references are copyright Best Brains Inc.
MALT3K and the opening theme are copyright Charlie Stadele.
“Walkin’ Away” is copyright Diamond Rio and their record label.
All Monty Python references are copyright Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.
Arthur Dent and all references to the Hitchhiker’s Guide Trilogy are copyright Douglas Adams (mayherestinpeace).
Most of the other comments in the MiST are more likely than not copyright someone else.
No copyright violations were intended; please don’t sue.
This MiST was written primarily in 2001, long before it was ever concieved that Clopin could be ousted from his domination of the AL favourite character voting thingie - back when he was number one, Mulan was number two, and they were followed by Duo, Basil, and Tarzan. Now the whole last third has been messed up, but I'm NOT going to take the time to rewrite it. That was also back when that blasted Aaron Carter song was new and Nickelodeon insisted on playing it every five minutes.
Infinite thanks to my partner in sarcasm, Sherrié, Gundam Wing aficionado.
One final thank goes out to Kelly for supplying a few of the comments.