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[DOL. Scene opens with Mulan standing in the middle of the room with a microphone and dressed in a particularly loud plaid suit. The bridge is decorated as a sort of beauty pageant runway type thing with two catwalks coming from opposite sides of the room and meeting in the middle. Curtains hide the hallways on either side.]
Mulan: (announcer voice {continues through scene}) Welcome, all, to the First Annual Dungeon of Love Manly Man Competition, where we will decide once and for all who is the perfect specimen. Our judges this evening are Genie, Gaston, and Gizmoduck.
[Cut to Tower 13. The said three are sitting at a desk. Gaston is admiring himself in a desk mirror much like "WKRP"'s Herb had. Gizmoduck waves to the camera.]
[DOL.]
Mulan: (accusingly) And let it be known that if there is one single Ping joke, I will kill every one of you.
[Tower 13. Genie holds his hands up innocently. Gizmo’s look says “who, me?” Gaston is examining his fingernails. Back to DOL.]
Mulan: The rules of the game are simple: each competitor has 30 seconds to prove to our judges here that he is the sexiest man alive. But, do keep it clean. So, with out further ado, the competition!
[A very cheezy clap track is flipped on, then off again.]
Mulan; In this corner, we have the challenger: Prince of Primates, Chief of Chimps, Sovereign of Simians, Tarzan, King of the Jungle!
[Tarzan comes through one of the curtains and down the catwalk as the clap track is turned on again, thumping his chest and making gorilla noises.]
Clopin: (off screen) But, I thought King Kong was King of the Jungle.
Mulan: (glaring) I know you didn’t just make a Rugrats reference. [beat.] And in this corner, we have our returning champion, everyone’s favorite court jester, Clopin, King of the Fools!
Clopin: (dancing on stage to the sound of tambourines; under his breath to Mulan) Flattery will get you nowhere, my dear.
Mulan: (looking smug) Tarzan, would you like to begin?
Tarzan: Yes. Thank you. I will be showing the tree surfing scene from my movie, Mulan.
Mulan: Alright!
[Clip rolls. When it finishes, shot cuts back to the DOL. Tarzan is flexing his muscles for the camera.]
Mulan: Thank you, Tarzan. Clopin?
Clopin: I will be reading a few excerpts from various places on the Infobahn. [clears throat.] Roaming Tigress says: “What makes Clopin attractive to me is that he's got a great singing voice and a wonderful, lively personality. He's pretty cute, too.” Phorum Ghost Pierrette writes “What drew me to Clopin was the color mixed with mystery. He's not one of those characters that Disney spelled out for us. Why the devil does…” Eh heh. I’ll just skip this next part. Um…finally, ToonQueen says it all with: “He's just all around cool, he's been around the block, knows human nature, but is fun.” How true. How very true.
Mulan: (raising an eyebrow) Alrighty. Judges, please make your final decisions…now.
[Tower 13. Rasputin collects the ballots, which have been folded and placed in envelopes.]
[DOL.]
Mulan: Sir, if you will?
[Tarzan and Clopin look as if they are about to wet their pants in anticipation. Cut to Tower 13. The 3 G's have begun a drum roll]
Rasputin: Here's one vote for...Tarzan.
[DOL. Tarzan is shown dancing around triumphantly and thrusting his fists in the air. Return to Tower 13.]
Rasputin: And this one says...Clopin.
[DOL. Clopin looks smug. Very smug. Back to Tower 13.]
Rasputin: And finally, our deciding vote...it could go either way on this one, folks... The last ballot says...
[DOL. Mulan, Tarzan, and Clopin are fairly eating their fingers.]
Tarzan: Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!
Clopin: Come on! Come on!
[Tower 13. The drum roll has reached a climax such that Rasputin is yelling over it.]
Rasputin: KNOCK IT OFF!
[3 G's cease drumming.]
Rasputin: Now, as I was saying...the winner is... (unfolds paper) GASTON!?!
[DOL. Tarzan and Clopin imitate DW and Quiverwing at the end of "Paint Misbehaving", except they aren't sitting down. Tower 13. Gaston looks very self-satisfied and resumes primping.]
Rasputin: (laughs) That was pretty cute. But you realize that I will have to kill you. [Begins beating him over the head with a couch cushion.]
Gaston: (shielding his hair) No!!! Not the hair! I just had it done!
Genie: (to Tarzan and Clopin) Sorry, guys.
[Cut away to Genie and Gizmoduck.]
Gizmo: Yeah. I thought one of you would win it for sure.
Genie: Uh, Gizz...
Gizmo: Yes, Gene?
Genie: Never mind.
Gizmo: (chasing after him as he walks away) What? Tell me! Please?
[DOL. Mulan is comforting Tarzan while Clopin watches some magic show, seemingly unperturbed. The Bells start up. The gypsy sighs and turns off the TV.]
Mulan: (condoling) Come on, Tarz. It's okay. We need to go into the theater, alright?
Tarzan: (as they walk towards the theater) But, this means that I'm at most #3. ELVIS beat me!
Mulan: (puts her arm around his shoulder) It's going to be fine. No one won. Stop crying!
[All enter. Mulan is shushing Tarzan.]
>Pandora was led into a small cell by the evil-looking
Mulan: (as author)...transport proteins.
>guards.
Clopin: (As guard) You will wait here while the anal probes are prepared. And don't worry too much, one out five people we try this on actually enjoys it.
Tarzan: Eww...
Mulan: (Annoyed) Clopin, can the anal probe jokes.
>The cell had a window when they threw her in, but, when they locked the door, it turned from a ruby to a sort of see-through >stainless steel.
Clopin: (Sarcastic) So, let me get this straight. Starfleet uses transparent aluminum, while Martians use transparent steel? Makes sense to me.
Tarzan: ...Actually, it kind of does...
>Then, she had a vision
Clopin: A vision?!
Mulan: The author's just randomly handing out powers now... I swear, this IS anime. Any moment people will be jumping fifty feet straight into the air, throwing spirit bombs at each other, turning into concept sketches during dramatic moments...
>that she had been seeing the beginning of lately but which always ended before she could make anything of it.
Tarzan: Clopin, you called it the first paragraph. Charles and Pandora ARE tripping.
>Mist
Clopin: All right, we will!
Tarzan: With a vengeance!
>clouded over her eyes and she saw the princess walking through the
Tarzan: (as author) … large pile of dog droppings.
Mulan: Grow up.
>mist
Mulan: Well, okay, but only because you're so insistent...
>with something written on her chest
Tarzan: 'I'm with Stupid?'
Mulan: More like 'I'm Stupid."
Clopin: (As Bill Engvall) Heeeere's your sign.
>that Pandora couldn't quite make out but soon realized was the princess's name: Livedevol-Naitram.
Clopin: Martian Lovedevil!
>Suddenly, the princess flip-flopped and became a mirror image of herself, and it was all too clear to Pandora what the princess's >true name was.
Clopin: (slowly) Maaaar-tiannnn Llllllooooove-deeeee-viiiiiilllll.
Mulan: Naw, I think it’s Jolene.
Tarzan: Or Tina.
Mulan: (shaking head) Chel.
Tarzan: Kim Kelly.
Mulan: Lila.
Tarzan: Monique.
Mulan: Jean Gray.
Tarzan: LeeLee Greenwell.
Clopin: Nope. It’s definitely Martian Love-devil.
>Mist that was red as blood covered
Tarzan: (as author) ...the fanfic.
>the princess's form and the vision ended, leaving Pandora collapsed on the floor
Clopin: (As author) ...Dead.
>and gasping for breath.
Clopin: (As author) ...Almost dead.
>She would have to act fast, for Charles was in great danger. She would save her love from this monster, this...
Clopin: Martian Love-devil!
Tarzan: Cummon…Say it…
Clopin: Love-devil.
>Martian Lovedevil.
Clopin: (muttering) About friggin time...
>* * *
>Charles had had an enchanting evening dining and dancing with the lovely princess.
Clopin: Jasmine?
Tarzan: Ariel?
Clopin: Aurora?
Tarzan: Eilonwi?
Clopin: Anastasia?
Tarzan: Angelina Cantessa Louisa Francesca Banana-fanna-fo-fesca, the Third?
Mulan: Me?
Clopin: Uh, Mulan, you're not a princess.
Mulan: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
>He had seen Pandora being led off by guards, but because he didn't know who she was anymore, he didn't notice it.
Tarzan: So, not knowing someone makes it impossible to notice them?
>Later that night, the princess took him into her chambers and they talked for a long time, only Charles was the one who did most >of the talking
Clopin: (Suave) I think I can guess why the princess wasn't talking much. Heh, heh... [Beat] Wait a minute, she was doing that to Charles Rut--Hurk! [Clopin frantically grabs his airsickness bag and begins puking in it.]
Tarzan (Looking at Clopin) What the...
Mulan: A victim of his own sick imagination...
>and she just asked a bunch of questions about his life and stuff.
Clopin: (Recovering) That... Was... Disgusting...
Mulan: (Mocking) Y'know, for someone who eats snails, you have a remarkably weak stomach.
>After that, Princess Livedevol-Naitram
Tarzan: Livedevol-Naitram, the soothing heartburn medication.
>picked up a silver and ruby brush with pure gold bristles, let down all her really long hair that smelled like coconuts and citrus fruit
Mulan: Yes, yes, we went over that part already...
>and asked Charles to brush it for her. He did and was so enthralled
Tarzan: You know, for someone with the IQ of a bucket of mayonnaise, this girl has a damn good vocab.
Mulan: (throwing hands into the air) I give up.
>with her that he never noticed the tiny tendrils
Tarzan: “Tendrils.” Does that make anyone else think of shrimp?
Mulan: (raising eyebrow) Um...no.
Clopin: (Ill) Tarzan...
>of amost see-through hair creeping around his body like a net, nor that her aquamarine eyes were slowly turning as red as blood.
Mulan: Oh, I can see how he would miss that.
>* * *
>Pandora sat in her cell, thinking hard.
Tarzan: Think hard now, Pandora. Think really hard, you poor dope. Scan that scrap heap you call a br--
Mulan: (cutting him off) Tarzan, dear, we've already stolen their concept. What say we leave their comments alone, alright?
>Then, she realized that her magnetic health bracelet was really bothering her, so she took it off and
Clopin: (as author)...called her lawyer. She was awarded 2.5 million.
>started tapping it on the wall, just out of boredom.
Tarzan: (Sniffing) Hm... I smell a plot devise coming.
>Shockingly, however, when she got to the window, her hand went straight through!
Tarzan: (Triumphant) I was right!
>She realized that the window was actually a force field
Clopin: Ooh... Anyone else having a Titan AE flashback?
Mulan: Now that you mention it, yeah...
Tarzan: Cool! Maybe the field will shock her and knock her across the room!
>and that the magnet in her bracelet activated it and let her go into another room in the palace.
Mulan: Rats...
Clopin: So much for this turning into Titan.
Tarzan: Well, there's still some hope. Maybe Elvis will inexplicably turn evil and snap Charles' neck.
>Although she had no idea what this room was,
Tarzan: Or anything else, for that matter.
>she decided that going to it was her only chance,
Mulan: (as author) After all, if she avoided everything she didn’t understand, she’d still be curled up in the fetal position, sucking her thumb.
>so she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and leaped through.
Clopin: (As author) ...And found herself outside the Marsbase dome. Her death was slow and painful.
>She found herself in a room whose walls were entirely covered with Elvis
Tarzan: Eww... Octavia must have snapped or something...
>posters. The only other occupant of this room was a young woman who was typing as a desk and who bore a remarkable >resmblance to
Tarzan: ...The author?
Clopin: Whoa... The Self Insertion character meeting the actual author... Trippy...
Mulan: That's one heck of a way to break the forth wall.
>Charles.
Tarzan: ...The co-author?
Mulan: And there's another way. Don't do that again, Tarzan.
>The sound of landing in the room made her turn around, but she did not seem upset or startled by the fact that a complete >stranger had just fallen out of her wall.
Clopin: (As author) For she knew that the Sliders were real, and one day they would come for her.
>"Hi! Are you related to Charles?"
Clopin: (As Pandora) ...Manson?
>asked a bewildered Pandora.
>"Yes, in fact, I am his long-lost sister. My name is Octavia Ruttheimer.
And you?"
>"I'm Pandora, Charles' lover.
Clopin: (as Octavia) Nice to meet you, Pandora Charleseslover. That's a funny last name there. Is it Polish?
Mulan: Does this girl even have a last name?
Tarzan: “Spocks”.
Mulan: What?
Tarzan: “Spocks”. Her last name is “Spocks”.
Mulan: Ah.
Tarzan: (a la Crow) Rasputin told me.
>Please, you must help me, for Charles is in great danger."
Mulan: Pandora Spocks. ::snort:: Cute.
>Pandora explained all about her situation and Octavia instantly agreed to help.
Mulan: (As Octavia) Yes, strange woman with unnatural hair, I trust you implicitly...
>So, then, Octavia called Elvis in and he said he'd help too. And so they got to work.
Clopin: Eh, I don't want to touch that one...
>Fortunately, Octavia knew of a small duct that they could go through to get to the princess's chambers. However, they found that >the duct was too unstable to hold but one of them,
Tarzan: (As author) Sadly, they learned this when the duct collapsed under them as they all crawled in. Their deaths were quick and messy.
>so Pandora would have to go alone.
Clopin: (Deep voice) And then there was one...
>On learning this, Octavia said, Elvis and I both know how to pilot a spaceship, and I know of a small one that has no one guarding >it.
Clopin: (as Octavia) It is, however, being watched carefully by a two, a three, and a four.
>We can go and get that so that, after you rescue Charles, we can escape in that."
Tarzan: Oh, I see! Pandora has thought everything since "She can't be that bad"
Clopin: (To Mulan) What is he talking about?
Mulan: A missing quotation mark or two, I think.
>Pandora said, "Oh, that would be wonderful. You guys are such great
>friends. Now, please help me into this duct."
Clopin: (As author) "Will do," replied Elvis, as he sliced her up with a laser cutter and stuffed her remains in the duct.
Mulan: (Sarcastic) Well, that was a tasteful way to end a segment.
Clopin: Who cares. Lets just get out of here.
[All Exit]
[DOL main. Mulan and Clopin are sitting around discussing the fic. Mulan has a cup of tea, while Clopin is working on a Brewski(TM).]
Clopin: ...Look, all I'm saying is that this fic DESERVES all the death riffs its getting. I mean, look at all the insipid, one-dimensional characters in it. The whole thing is just one big, poorly written fan-girl's demented fantasy.
Mulan: I'm not arguing that. I fully agree that it’s a horrible fic. But does that really warrant killing off the author every other sentence?
Clopin: I think it does.
Mulan: ::sighs::
Clopin: Heck, I wouldn't be surprised a group of real Daria fans out there haven't started writing anti-fics about--
[Clopin is interrupted by Tarzan madly dashing on-screen.]
Tarzan: (Hyper) Guys! Guysguysguysguys!
Clopin: (Cringing after dropping his drink in surprise) Gah! What?!
Tarzan: (Hyper) You've gotta come see this! Hurryhurryhurry!
[Tarzan grabs Clopin and practically drags off-screen. Mulan calmly sets down her tea and follows. Camera pans to the side, showing Tarzan crouched in front of a computer, with a perturbed looking Clopin standing next to him.]
Clopin: (Snide) Alright, Jungle Boy, what's so important it couldn't wait the ten seconds it would've taken me to WALK here?
Tarzan: (Proud, pointing to the screen) This! Check it out!
[Mulan sits in the chair in front of the screen, while Clopin reads over her shoulder.]
Mulan: Hmm... Looks like a webpage...
Clopin: (Reading) Hmm, marsbase.com/ind--Marsbase?!
Tarzan: (Excited) Yeah! I figured that I'd check the net to see if I could find any info on this 'Marsbase' thing. Y'know, to see if it was all Pandora's idea, or if there was something else behind it. And there is! Check it out, Charles and Pandora actually stumbled into the headquarters of the SpaceCorps 137th Battalion!
Mulan: (Interested) Cool. (Begins looking through the page)
Clopin: (Condescending) Now Tarzan, do you really think that a girl like Pandora would--
Mulan: (Interrupting) Whoa! Check out these battle-suits! Man, I wish I had had one of these Crusaders during the war. I would have stomped all over those Huns!
Tarzan: A Crusader? Mulan, they've got MUCH better than that! Check out the Rapier! Or the Ronin!
Mulan: They look good, but I wouldn't have wanted to maneuver those through the mountains. Still, if one of those showed up in the fanfic...
Clopin: Uh, Mulan...
Tarzan: Hey, the story's at Marsbase! Some of these babies have GOT to show up.
Clopin: Uh, Tarzan...
Mulan: (Amused) Yeah... Just think of Elvis piloting a Ronin. He'd try to swivel his mechanical hips before firing!
Clopin: Uh, guys...
Tarzan: (Also amused) No, I think he'll take the Gekko. (As Elvis) Hey baby, lemme show ya ma Blue Suede Smartstick Missiles!
Clopin: (Exasperated) GUYS!
[Tarzan and Mulan stop talking and look at Clopin.]
Clopin: (Exasperated) Listen to yourselves! You're carrying on like you actually expect these things to show up in the fic!
Tarzan: But they have to! I mean, the story does take place at Marsbase... How could they not show up?
Clopin: (Deadpan) How could a Daria fanfic not mention Daria and end up on Mars?
Tarzan: (Suddenly very depressed) Oooooh...
Mulan: Well, Tarz, it was a nice interlude...
[Bells of Notre Dame begin ringing.]
Mulan: ...Which just ended. Come on boys, back to the theater.
[All Exit.]
[All Enter and take their seats.]
Tarzan: (Disappointed) I should never have gotten my hopes up.
Mulan: Oh, it'll be okay...
>The duct was yucky inside,
Tarzan: (As a ditz) It was icky...
>with a lot of dirt and these gross spiderwebs that stuck in her hair,
Clopin: By now, the Elvis fans and the spider sympathizers are lining up with torches.
Mulan: Mustn’t forget the three people who have actually sat here and read this far into the series.
Tarzan: You mean us?
>but Pandora would do anything for Charles.
[Clopin opens his mouth to speak but Mulan puts her hand over it]
Mulan: Don’t. Even.
> She quickly found the place where the duct had an opening in the princess's chambers. She silently dropped down into the room >behind the red velvet curtain that was used to conceal the ugly duct.
Mulan: 'The Ugly Ductling?' I don't know, it has a nice ring to it, but I just don't think the story would work.
>Pandora saw that, over in the corner, Charles was brushing the princess's long, silky, dark green hair and was clearly enjoying it >and this made her mad and sad at the same time.
Tarzan: Ooh! Nice use of rhyming words!
Mulan: Its sad when that's the best thing you can say about a story...
>In fact, she was so mad and sad that she walked right over to the pair,
Clopin: (As author) ...Pulled out an uzi, and gunned the two down in cold blood!
>who had their backs turned to her, and grabbed the brush right out of Charles' hand and
Tarzan: (As author) ...Impaled him with it!
>threw it on the floor.
Clopin: (Sarcastic) Temper, temper... Must be that time of the--Oof!
Mulan: (After elbowing Clopin) Don’t even go there.
>The princess turned around because when the brush fell on the ground, it made a noise which the princess heard and she wanted to find out what made the noise.
[Tarzan points and laughs at the sheer obviousness of the sentence.]
Clopin: Aren't those the lyrics to a They Might Be Giants song?
>When she turned around, she found herself looking into the mad and sad eyes of Pandora.
Tarzan: What was she doing in her eyes?
Clopin: And how did she lose herself?
>"You stole Charles from me!" Pandora said to the princess. "And you're really a devil!"
Clopin: Oh, touché.
Mulan: Nah. The DeVils had much better fashion sense than this girl.
>Even though she said this to the princess, Charles was the one who answered, which was kind of weird.
Clopin: Oh, yes. Frighteningly so.
>"Pandora," he said, "I don't care what you say about the princess
Tarzan: Cool. (Gets up) Hey Princess! You're a—
Mulan: (Interrupting) Keep it clean Tarzan... As much I probably would have agreed with you...
>because I'm in love with her. I don't need you anymore. In fact, I don't even know who you are!"
Clopin: (As Charles) ...Evidenced by the fact that I just called you by name.
>Pandora knelt down beside her love and took his face in her hands.
Tarzan: (as author) ...slicing a huge gash across his cheek with her dragon-woman claws from hell.
>"Oh Charles," she said, "You know that our love is much stronger than any devil magic.
Tarzan: (Cupping his hands) Buuuuullll--Shhhhhiiiii—
Mulan: (Warning) Tarzan...
>Please believe me when I tell you that you don't really love the princess - she just has you under the spell of her evil spell."
[Tarzan points and laughs again. Meanwhile, Clopin's Mini-me puppet pops up.]
Mini Me: Evil!
Mulan: (sighing) Oh, no. Not again.
>To reinforce her point, Pandora drew forth a red, heart-shaped powder compact from her purse,
Mulan: (Mumbling) Please don't let this turn into a Sailor Moon crossover. Please don't let this turn into a Sailor Moon crossover...
>opened it, and showed Charles their reflection together in its mirror, which looked really romantic because it was heart-shaped.
Tarzan: (Sarcastic) And isn't that what romance is all about...?
>This broke the princess's evil
Mini Me: Evil!
>spell.
Mulan: (as author) ...checker.
Tarzan: What spell checker?
>"You're right, Pandora," he said. "You are the one I truly love, my darling feisty baby. Princess, I don't need you anymore. I'm
Clopin: (As Charles) ...Dumping you like a sack of potatoes! So long, you fat-assed wench!
Mulan: (warning) Clopin…
>returning to the one I truly love."
Mulan: And so, the day is saved thanks to Pandora's heart shaped Deux Ex Machina...
>Howeverr,
Clopin: To 'err' is human...
Mulan: To 'moo,' bovine. [beat] What?
>when he tried to raise himself from the chair to embrace Pandora, he was snapped back into the sitting position by a horrible, >almost invisible net of hair which he hadn't noticed before.
Tarzan: Upchuck really isn't too bright...
>When Pandora turned around to protest to the princess about this,
Mulan: Like that would do a lot of good...
>she saw, much to her horror, that
Clopin: (Hopeful) ...Charles had turned into Chucky?
>the princess was going through a horrible change
Mulan: Look, its just a natural part of growing up. And besides, I really don't think a fanfic is any place to discuss that sort of thing.
Clopin: (Cautious) Um... Didn't you just tell me not to say anything like that?
Mulan: Oh, be quiet.
>that neither Pandora nor Charles had noticed before because they had been so wrapped up in each other's presence.
Tarzan: (grinning) What were they doing in each other’s presents?
Clopin: Hey! What did Eddie say about puns?
Tarzan: (playing along, as Servo) To shove them up my --
Mulan: Now, stop it!
>Even though before they hadn't noticed that her eyes had turned all red, they did now!
Mulan: Yeah, I’ll just bet they did.
>And then they noticed that the red from her blood-red lips was at first slowly but then quickly seeping and dripping throughout her >skin like blood,
Mini Me: Eeeeww…
>and her skin soon became all red too.
Tarzan: 35 words. Close, but we've had longer.
>Then they noticed that her headress had split in the middle and become black and pointy so now it was two horns and that she >has suddenly grown a tail.
Mulan: Not only did that not make sense, it changed tense.
Tarzan: Mulan! You--
Mulan: (burying head in hands) I know. I rhymed.
>Next, they noticed that her sandals had melded onto her feet
Mulan: That's what you get for wearing plastic sandals on a hot summer day.
>and transformed into black cloven hoofs, that her fingernails got black and clawlike,
Clopin: (coming up) I was under the impression that they already were.
Mulan: No, that's Pandora. We've moved on to Livedevol-Naitram.
Clopin: Oh, I get so confused! [ducks below the seat again.]
>that her ears became big and pointy, and that her teeth did turn out to be pointy like a bat's,
Tarzan: (Deep, feminine voice) I'm Batman!
>which Pandora hated.
Clopin: Yes, we've firmly established that Pandora hates bats. Lets move on now.
> Finally they noticed that all the princess-devil's hair turned black
Mulan: Finally, a normal color.
>before falling all out of her head.
Mulan: ...Or not...
Clopin: (As the princess) Damn! I knew I shouldn't have used that Nair shampoo!
>The fallen-out strands lifted themsleves up and flew over to Charles, where they joined the already existing hair-net to make an >even stronger and tighter net.
Tarzan: Wow! This fic brings new meaning to the word 'hairnet.'
Mulan: That was just dumb, Tarzan.
>The now fully transformed
[All imitate the 'Transformer' sound.]
>love devil advanced towards Charles and told him that "his little girlfriend was right about me" and that she intended to suck all his >blood and soul out.
Tarzan: Oh, oh, oh! Is she going to use one of those condom-things?
Mini Me: (as Servo) It’s the Sooooooooultakah!
>"You see," she said to them, "Every time my eyes get all red, it means that I have
Mulan: (As the princess) ...Run out of Clear Eyes.
>to feast. Fortunately, though, I don't have to eat very many times a year, which helps me stay thin and beautiful."
Mulan: She's a snake!
>"Oh," Charles said, "I was wondering why you didn't eat anything at dinner.
Tarzan: (as Charles) I just figured you were anorexic.
>But now I see, you ugly devil,
Mini Me: Evil!
Clopin: Oh, that says "devil". I'm sorry.
>that you were fasting so you could feast.on ME!"
Tarzan: Waitaminute! The author has already stated that the Martians were looking for the 'perfect male,' right?
Clopin: Right.
Tarzan: And the author has hinted that Upchuck is the perfect male, right?
Mulan: Right.
Tarzan: And that 'Livedevol' is the Martian Princess, and that she needs to feed periodically. Probably on males, right?
Clopin: Yeah.
Tarzan: And now she wants to eat Upchuck, right.
Mulan: Yup. And I say, good riddance.
Tarzan: So the whole reason the Martians were searching for the perfect male was so their princess could eat him?
Mulan: Uuumm... I guess...
Clopin: (To Tarzan) Well, bud, looks like it’s a good thing that little contest of ours fell through, huh?
Tarzan: Yeah, I guess it is...
>The love devil smiled an evil
Mini Me: Evil!
Mulan: Stop it.
>smile and nodded, then began walking towards him again and making sucking noises
Tarzan: (Chanting) Livedevol Sucks! Livedevol Sucks!
>with her lips like the witches did in "Hocus Pocus".
Mulan: (singing; as Bette Midler) I put a spell on you/And now you're mine!
Tarzan and Clopin: (singing backup) Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out, she ain't lyin'
>Charles started looking kind of washed-out
Tarzan: (as author) Like an old pair of jeans.
>and Pandora decided that now was the time to take action.
>"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
Mulan: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Clopin: (deadpan) You tell her.
>she shrieked and jumped at the love devil's back, breaking her concentration.
Clopin and Tarzan: (chanting) Cat fight! Cat fight!
>She stopped sucking
Clopin: Eww...
Mulan: Oh, I wish that were true...
Tarzan: (Yelling) Livedevol doesn't suck, YOU SUCK!
>and Charles' color started coming back. She whipped around to face Pandora, who was just mad now and not sad anymore.
Clopin: Oh, she's still sad all right... Sad, pathetic, you name it...
>"I guess I'll just deal with you now, you ugly wretch!" she screamed at Pandora. "You're just getting in my way, and when people >get in my way, they DIE!"
Mulan: Now, she's a cat.
Mini Me: When Mr. Bigglesworth gets angry...
>As soon as she got finished saying that, a big red laser beam shot right out of her eyes right at Pandora!
Mulan: Nooo! Don’t give Rasputin any ideas!
[Tarzan screams and ducks]
Clopin: (As announcer) ...Starring Scott Summers as the Martian Love-Devil...
>Pandora knew that she wasn't going to make it, but she put up her hand in a futile
Clopin: (As the Borg) Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
>attempt to protect herself. Fortunately, though, she still had he compact in her hand, and the mirror of the compact reflected the >laser right back at the princess and zapped her to death with it,
Mulan: And Pandora's Deux Ex Machina saves the day again...
>leaving only a wisp of gross-smelling red smoke that quickly faded away.
Mulan: But, wouldn't it smell like citrus fruit and coconuts?
Tarzan: I thought it was coconuts and citrus fruit.
Mulan: That's what I said.
Tarzan: No, you said "citrus fruit and coconuts" I distinctly remember that.
>Charles sat in the chair, struggling to get out, but even though the love devil was no more, her evil
Mini Me: Evil!
Mulan: Quit.
>hair
Mulan: Evil Hair? Wasn't that a rock band from the 80's?
Tarzan: No man, they were THE rock band of the 80's!
>still held tight to Charles and he could not get out.
Tarzan: So, what about Elvis’ song? Pandora really left us hanging.
>Pandora rushed over to him and swiftly freed him by cutting the net with her french-manicured, razor-sharp fingernail.
Mulan: I could make a French joke here, but it’s just too easy...
Clopin: Tai Toi!
>He leapt out of the horrible chair
Mulan: Hey, now! The chair was an innocent bystander!
>just in time because all the evil
Mini Me: Evil!
[Mulan hits Clopin on the head with her slipper; the mini me is reluctantly retired for the night.]
>hair fell on the floor in a circle around the chair and burned a hole in the floor,
Mulan: But yet, it did nothing to Charles?
Tarzan: Stupidity must produce antibodies or something...
>which the chair fell right through!
Tarzan: (as author) ...killing three and injuring seven.
>"Oh Charles, I'm so glad you're safe!" Pandora lovingly told her lover.
>"Thank you, feisty Pandora,
Clopin: (as Pandora) What, thank and talk of feist? I hate the word as I hate hell, all Ruttheimers, and thee!
Mulan: Y'know what the best part of this fic was? Upchuck didn't talk much. ...Until now.
>and I'm so sorrry for the way I treated you whenever that horrible devil took over my brain!" he replied.
Clopin: (As Charles) It was awful! I had this uncontrollable urge to dye half my hair white and wear Dalmatian fur!
>Pandora was going to say something like, "Oh, it's all right, these things happen,"
Tarzan: Only to utter morons like you two.
>but before she could get another word out,
Clopin: (As author) ...A 'Free Mars' terrorist aimed a PPG at the couple and opened fire.
Mulan: Clopin, haven't you killed those two enough already?
>Charles took her in his strong arms and caressed her face, then kissed her with the most gentleness, but with fiery passionate >gentleness.
Tarzan: There's an oxymoron if ever I've heard one.
>Then, he looked into her eyes and said, "Pandora, you saved me, and for that I owe you my life.
Clopin: (As author) With that, Charles reached into his chest, pulled out his still beating heart, and offered it to Pandora.
Mulan: Apparently not...
>I want to stay with you forever. My darling, gorgeous, wonderful
Tarzan: (As Charles) ...Slutty...
Mulan: Tarzan!
Clopin: ”My darling, gorgeous, wonderful, slutty Tarzan”?! You aren’t going to let her talk to you like that, are you?
Mulan: (growling) One more time, Trouillefou. Just one more time.
>Pandora, will you please be my bride?"
Clopin: (as Pandora) Well, I'd love to, but I really don't think my husband would appreciate that.
Tarzan: No, that's called a plot twist. Those are apparently against this girl's religion.
>"Yes, oh, yes, my dearest Charles! I have longed for so long to hear you say those words, my beautiful angel."
Clopin: 'Angel?'
Mulan: When did this become a 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' Crossover?
Tarzan: When did this become an 'X-Men' crossover?
>With that, he kissed her once more and a gentle breeze stirred the couple's hair.
Mulan: Considering they're still indoors, I'd say the Martians have a pretty crappy ventilation system.
>This breeze turned out to be Octavia and Elvis
Tarzan: (As Elvis) Whoa! Sorry 'bout that. Ah guess 'Heath' is Martian for 'Bean Burritos...'
>in their getaway spaceship.
Clopin: Which, apparently had breached the Marsbase dome and crashed next to the Princess's room...
>As the fiances strode bravely on board the ship, eager for their next adventure,
Tarzan: Nooooooooooo!!!!
Mulan: Two of these are bad enough! Please don't make this a series...
>and Octavia ran towards her long-lost brother, Charles called out in his deep, melodious, and manly voice,
Tarzan: That does it. Pandora has never in her life actually watched Daria.
> "Fire this baby up and set a straight course for Earth! We're goin' home, baby!"
Mulan: Well, what do you know? I guess the world really is enough.
Tarzan: Yup. Let's get out of here.
[Tarzan tries to get up, but Clopin holds him back.]
Clopin: Wait for it...wait...
>THE END
Clopin: Alrighty, now we can leave.
[All file out]
[DOL. Scene opens with Tarzan showing Mulan “Esteemsters” and Clopin pecking up a storm on the computer.]
Tarzan: Okay, now that’s Ms. Manson. She doesn’t show up after this episode, and she’s evil, anyhow, so you can just forget about her.
Mulan: (trying to soak it all in) Okaaaaaay…
Tarzan: (watching intently and saying each line with the character, not missing a beat)
Quinn: I'm exempt.
Mrs. Manson: You won't be graded.
Quinn: Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she's saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!
[Tarzan reaches the end of his attention span and wanders over to Clopin. Mulan continues watching.]
Tarzan: Whacha doin’?
[Clopin continues typing, ignoring him. Tarzan reads over his shoulder and almost immediately begins laughing loudly.]
Mulan: (looking up) Uh oh. (to Tarzan) What, pray tell, is so funny?
[Tarzan motions her over. She begins reading the screen out loud.]
Mulan: “No more, Pandora. No more fanfics. Do you hear me? Stop writing them. You will stop writing those abominable fics this instant, or, upon the honor of my family, I swear I will hunt you down--” Clopin, what is this?
Clopin: (still typing) Up With Chuck.
Mulan: What?
Tarzan: Up With Chuck. Pandora’s fan site.
[Mulan reaches for the keyboard as Clopin starts deleting the last few lines. After a bit of squabbling, Mulan gains control and begins typing. The screen is shown and the following appears. Tarzan can be heard laughing in the background]
“Mulan: Clopin, what are you--Clopin! What did I tell you about making threats over the net?
Clopin: Look, Mulan, it has to be done. And if no one else will, I WILL.
Mulan: Oh, no you won't. Give me that keyboard...
Clopin: Hey give that--sadljfhklfghasklgugihwea bnfdgnqeriweyth bareutgjg bgnb
++Transmission cut off++”
Mulan: (sighing) Why didn’t I just delete that when I had the chance? [beat] Oh, great. Now the Fashion Club is calling.
Tarzan: (hitting the button) Welcome to the Dungeon of Love. May I take your order?
[Tower 13. The three Gs are in the background, playing Guestures. Rasputin is in the foreground.]
Rasputin: Très amusant. Obviously that wasn’t near painful enough. I’ll just have to try harder next time. So be it. (tapping finger tips together and muttering) I'll have to look for a good Sailor Moon/Daria crossover...
Gaston: Sir, it’s our turn.
Rasputin: [over his shoulder] I’ll be right there. [back to the camera] Until next time, my little ponies. [pushes the button and heads back to the game] Soda! Shake! Fizz!
>FWISH!<
Notes
Thanks to Roaming Tigress, Phorum Ghost Pierrette, and Toon Queen, who have forgotten all about posting those messages by now, for the excellent quotes and to Brittany and Maggie for all of the inspiration, editing, etc.
Robin appologizes for the obscurity of parts of Mulan and Tarzan's discussion regarding the Lovedevil's real name. Heh. That one got a bit too personal.
The guestbook entry was actually posted by Charlie Stadele and can be veiwed over at Up With Chuck. It is dated November-somethingth. So this one has been in the works a while...
Disclaimer:
The original MALT3K, Mystery AL Theater 3000: The Spam, was written and copyright Charlie Stadele.
Tarzan, Mulan, Clopin, Genie, Gizmoduck, Mrs. Potts, a vast majority of the plethora of names tossed around, Hocus Pocus, and all related movies and references are copyright Disney.
Rasputin, Titan A.E., and all related movies and references are copyright Fox Animation.
All MST3K concepts and references are copyright Best Brains Inc.
Charles, Quinn, Ms. Manson, and all other Daria references are copyright MTV. The conversation between Quinn and Ms. Manson is a direct quote from episode 101 – Esteemsters.
All Hitchhiker references are copyright 1979 by Douglas Adams.
”Spiderweb” is copyright No Doubt and their record label.
No challenges to copyrights are intended. Please don’t sue.
Please send all questions, comments, etc, to Robin or Chuck.
"I don't think it's a natural geographic feature, sweet baby."