A MSTing by Captain Chaotica!!
Original story by Sonique.
PART ONE
(Author's Notes)
When I decided to do this MSTing, I had been watching my MST3K episodes again, and this time I decided to start through from the beginning, or at least from the earliest ones that I happen to own.
Seeing my earliest episodes again gave me...(evilly)...ideas. I did this MSTing in a style which not many authors use, and which was new and experimental for me as well. The host-segments are low-budget, short, and simple--which means that any idea that requires fancy costumes or gadgets that would require a lot of preperation time are out; everything we use has to be stuff that ordinary people could cheaply or freely get on very short notice. I mean, treating this as if it was a real TV show, and not doing the "Hey, it's MY story, anything can come magically from anywhere!" way of thinking. The riffs are improv--what came off the top of my head at that exact moment, with no re-writes! This entire MSTing, my...well, I guess...seventh? was done in one "take", so to speak.
Why?
Say hello to Joel and the 'bots...KTMA STYLE!)
(Cue theme song)
In the not too distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.,
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way.
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like 'im so they shot 'im into spa-ace!
"We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst ever made."
Joel says when ya got lemons,
Ya make lemonade.
Now keep in mind he can't control
Where the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts,
To make his robot friends!
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts,
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax."
For Mystery Science Theater, 3,000!
(bwang)
(Mad's...lair...place. Where are they supposed to be, anyway? In Gizmonics Institute somewhere? It's NOT Deep 13 yet, I know that much...)
Dr. Erhardt looked up from where he was punching numbers into a calculator and frowned. "This is bad, Dr. F, this is very very bad."
"What is?" Forrester wanted to know, as he fiddled with his Mr. Potato-Head.
"According to this, we have nowhere near enough money to send a transmission as memory-intensive as a movie to Jolene and those two lumbering scrap-heaps of his."
"What happened to all that money we embezzled from the company?"
"Spent it." said Erhardt.
"The money I stole from the convention center at the last Mad Scientists' Convention?"
"They didn't invite you this year, remember?"
"Oh, yeah." Forrester shook his head in annoyance. "Geez, blow up someone's stupid building just ONCE..."
"THREE times," Erhardt reminded him.
"Okay, THREE times...and they never invite you back again, pff..."
"But I DID," Erhardt held up a sheaf of computer printout and waved it triumphantly in Dr. Forrester's face, "find something else. All the PAIN of a bad movie, but a tiny fraction of the bandwidth."
Forrester grabbed the paper and began to read it. Then he began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Tossing his head back and cackling manically, he finally calmed down enough to say, "Contact Joelie-boy-toy, would you, Lar?"
The assistant mad scientist spoke into the transciever. "Hello there, Joel, you white piece of trash floating in space!"
"Hi there, sirs." said Joel, looking a bit confused. He brushed a couple of wrinkles out of his beige jumpsuit and asked, "What's up with HIM?"
(Monitoring Room (what I have decided to call it))
"Oh, don't worry about him, he just gets that way sometimes," Dr. Erhardt said, as well as he could over Forrester's continued laughing.
(Satellite of Love)
"I'll bet they have a REALLY bad movie planned for us this time, Joel Hodgson," said Crow, worried.
"What is it, another one of those stupid TURTLE movies?!" demanded Servo.
(Monitoring Room)
Forrester finally got ahold of himself, or as well as he ever does anyway. "You'll be happy to know, Jolie-polie-puddin'-'n'-pie, that we will NOT be sending a bad movie to you this week. We've run out of money to do so."
(Satellite of Love)
"WHOO-HOO! YEAH! PARTY TIME!!" Joel and the 'bots partied down and got funky.
(Monitoring Room)
"HOWEVER..."
(Satellite)
"There's a 'however'?" Joel asked, worried.
(Monitoring Room)
"Yes there is, space-monkey!" shrieked Erhardt in his ear-splitting evil giggle. "It's not a bad movie at all, but a stinky fanfic about a cartoon based off of some video game! Frankly I've never heard of the series...I'm not sure how we got this, actually...but anyway, we DO have the budget to send THIS to you!" He started snickering evilly.
"Yes, it tastes great AND it's less filling!" chortled Forrester. "Send them the file, Lar."
"Gotcha, Clay!"
(Satellite of Love. A red light starts flashing on the panel)
"We got movie SIGN!!" yelled Joel, and he and the 'bots took off in all directions for the theater.
(Joel and the 'bots each make their own way into the theater...yes, including Servo. Joel is not carrying him.)
Sonic Beyond
Jealousy
by Sonique
CROW: So, does that mean Sonic is beyond jealousy, or does it say "Sonic Beyond: Jealousy" like that's the chapter of a series or something?
SERVO: And notice the author's name. It's practically a feminine version of the name SONIC! How CLEVER! Ha, ha ha. Not.
The sound of cooing woke Alison up from her sleep.
JOEL: She was the one who was doing it. Alison is one weird chick.
She sat up and look at her window sill where she saw a small dove cooing at her. "Huh?" She sat up, slid out of bed and stumbled to the window.
CROW: And the little dove lights on her finger, and all the little adorable woodland creatures gather around her, and she starts singing ala "Snow White"...AAAA!! JOEL! HELP ME!! I HATE IT ALREADY!!
SERVO: (singing, falsetto) "SomeDAAAAAAAAYYYYY, my PRIIIIINCE, will come..."
"Coo! Coo!" Went the dove as if trying to tell her something.
JOEL: (exasperated) We've ESTABLISHED that the dove is cooing, get ON with it!
"Where did you come from?"
She held out her hand to the dove and to her surprise, the dove leaped into her hand and cooed.
JOEL: (putting his hands over his face) GAAAAAHHH!! Good call though, Crow.
CROW: I rather wish I hadn't been right!
Alison chuckled, "Well, where did you come from?" She asked in a baby voice.
SERVO: Because Alison was a baby.
CROW: Mentally, anyway.
JOEL: Ouch.
"That's a messenger dove." Sally came from around the corner. "Come here little dove." She held her hand out to the dove, and in a graceful motion the dove flapped it's wings and landed on Sally's arm. A small folded paper had been attached to the dove's foot, and Sally removed it then let the dove fly off toward the sky.
SERVO: So, the dove flapped "it is" wings?
CROW: You notice how everything in this entire fic has been cute and pretty and graceful and MORE cute, so far? I think I'm going to be seriously ill.
JOEL: Notice that Alison completely missed the paper on the dove's foot all this time...telling.
"Messenger dove?" Alison asked.
JOEL: Watch out, it's got a gun! It's gonna go POSTAL! AAAAAHHHH!!! (he ducks down in his seat as well as he can, and the 'bots each dodge to the sides)
"Yes." Sally replied while reading the message.
"Wow, the technology these days." Alison remarked sarcastically.
CROW: (as Sally) Listen, honey, when I was a cub, we had to make do with messenger TURTLES! So don't give ME no lip about hardship, sister!
"Hmm." Sally faced Alison, "Would you like to help us on a mission in Robotropolis?"
CROW: (as Sally again) I PROMISE it won't be a certain death-trap because we all want to get RID of you, no...
Alison shrugged, "Sure."
"Okay, meet us by the Power Ring pool no later than in half an hour."
"Okay." Alison waited for Sally to leave, then got ready to go.
SERVO: (as Alison) Sure, like, whatever, 'n' stuff. It's not like I care about going into great danger at all, or anything. SAY..... is that a shiny QUARTER?!
JOEL: (as Alison) Um...where's the Ring Pool, again?
CROW: More like what's a pool, with her...
About half an hour later, Sonic and Sally waited for Alison by the Power Ring poll. Sonic impatiently paced back and forth, "Where is she, Sal?"
JOEL: Wait a minute...the Power Ring poll?
CROW: "Good evening, Mr. Hodgson, I'm calling from the American Research Institute and we're doing a quick survey. It'll only take a minute of your time and we promise we are not trying to sell you anything. Are you the head of the household?
JOEL: Well, as far as I know, yes...
CROW: Power Rings: Are you for them or against them?
JOEL: (thinks) Against.
CROW: Thank you for filling out our survey, sir, and have a very nice day.
(SERVO makes a click noise like a phone hanging up.)
"I told her to be here in twenty minutes."
Sonic began to tap his foot on the ground, "I'm waiting." He said in an annoyed voice.
Finally,
SERVO: ...three years later...
Alison jogged up to the Power Ring pool, "Hi guys."
"You're late." Sally scolded.
Alison looked at her watch, "I still have three minutes."
JOEL: (as Alison) Until the next millenium starts.
"You're seven minutes late."
"You said meet here in half an hour!"
"I said twenty minutes."
"You did not you liar!"
SERVO: (dramatically) NO-one will be seated during the intense TIME-ARGUING SCENE!!
CROW: And YOU thought I was exaggerating Alison's immaturity level, Joel...
"Can we talk about this later?" Sonic asked impatiently.
JOEL: Hey, Sonic's with us, you guys...check it out. (points at the screen)
Sally ignored him, "Alison, when we go on these missions, it's very important that we that we meet at places at the right time.."
"Well, then maybe you should give me the right time to meet at." Alison replied in a snobby voice.
CROW: Like she HAS any other!
SERVO: I am seriously starting to HATE this character, Joel...
"Come on, Sal." Sonic said with enthusiasm. "Let's go."
"But we..."
Sonic cut Sally off this time, "Save it, Sal." He took Alison's left arm and Sally's right arm,
JOEL: And RIPPED them out of their sockets! OH the humanity!
CROW: You mean the...squirrel-ity and the whatever-Alison-is-ity.
"Cause it's juice time!" Like a rocket, Sonic blasted off at full speed taking the girls with him.
SERVO: Unfortunately, since living flesh is not meant to withstand supersonic speeds, they all caught on fire from the friction and BURNED UP IN THE ATMOSPHERE! AAAA!
Sonic, Sally and Alison stood on a balcony attached to a dark building in the bowls of gloomy Robotropolis.
(ALL fall over laughing)
JOEL: The dark BOWLS of Robotropolis? So, what, they're in a giant kitchen cupboard?!
CROW: Watch out for the forks, they're really nasty!
SERVO: And the knives!
Sally read the message they'd received earlier, "Hmm.. it says Robotnik has a plan to uncover Knothole's location, but Uncle Chuck doesn't know what the plan is yet."
CROW: (as Sally) Because he hasn't finished making it up yet...I mean...whoops...
"Unc'll figure it out." Sonic replied.
"Who's Uncle Chuck?" Alison asked.
JOEL: Is that any relation to Uncle Ben?
Sonic answered, "He's my uncle. He was captured and roboticised but gained his free will back. He makes the perfect spy."
"Cool! Can I meet him?"
"Sure, I'll take you there later on."
SERVO: Sure, all spies LOVE having their secret bases of operations crashed by random civillians! He won't mind at all!
Sally interrupted them, "But now we have to find out more about this plan of Robotnik's."
"It's cool, Sal. I'm sure Unc'll crack the code on this case."
"Then why are we here?" Alison said in an annoyed voice.
CROW: Does she HAVE any other?!!
Sally turned to Sonic, "Sonic, Uncle Chuck can't do everything."
"But, Sal..."
Alison decided to stay out of their argument and stared off into the distance. She began to daydream about the days when Snively and she lived together.
(ALL facefault)
CROW: She and Snively lived together?
JOEL: (pulling himself back together) This is new...
They may have driven each other crazy, but she really missed him. She missed the way he'd talk to her in that rich, snobby voice of his, the way he'd scowl when she'd call him "Light-Bulb Head"
CROW: No, that's Megavolt.
SERVO: I thought that was Uncle Fester?
or "Nose-Boy,"
JOEL: Or idiot, or Dweeb-boy, or...
the way his snoring lured her to sleep,
JOEL: Ya know, most women will tell you that your snoring keeps them from falling asleep, not the other way around.
the way he'd smell of elegant cologne, and so much more.
SERVO: Not just cologne, but ELEGANT cologne!
CROW: I'm definitely starting to get the idea that she's attracted to Snively or something here. Ick.
She wondered when she'd see him again. Then, as if answering her prayers, Snively jogged around the corner of a building and headed into an alley. Alison became so excited to see him again, she yelled, "Snively!"
Sonic and Sally both turned to her in confusion.
JOEL: GAAAHH!!
CROW: You know, Joel, I'm starting to HATE being right, I'm really starting to hate it!
"I.. mean... I..."
Sonic looked to where Alison had been staring and saw Snively running down a street, "She's right!" Sonic pointed to him, "Maybe he can tell us about Ro-butt-nik's plan! Juice and jam time!" Sonic leaped off the balcony and
JOEL: poured some orange juice into three glasses and spread some strawberry jam on his toast...
smoothly ran down the side of the building and into the streets following Snively's path.
"Cool!" Alison exclaimed. With grace, Alison leaped off the balcony to the ground and pursued Sonic.
SERVO: (sarcastically) Of COURSE she does EVERYTHING with grace! She is Alison, the beautiful and perfect! Women worship her, men stand in line for days on end just to catch a glimpse of her smile!
CROW: Dogs crowd around her and pee on her feet!--oh, no, wait, that's from what I wish would happen...
Snively turned to the sound of rapid footsteps behind him, "ARUGH!" He began to run as fast as he could but Sonic and Alison easily caught up with him.
JOEL: Well, that was a suspenseful chase scene...
Sonic came from behind him and grabbed his arms so he could escape, and Alison stood in front of him with a sinister expression.
CROW: (as Alison, but in his "Dr. Forrester" voice) BWAHAHAHA!! TELL me where you have hidden the jewels, MY PRETTY!!
What do you want?!" Snively demanded.
Before either of them could speak, Sally called them from the balcony, "You guys, wait!" She ran down the balcony stairs.
SERVO: Finally, somebody in this thing goes down a building the LOGICAL way...
"Should we wait?" Alison asked.
"We'd better." After a short while, Sonic began to impatiently tap his foot, "I'm waiting."
Finally Sally jogged over to them, "All right."
CROW: (as Sally) I've finished my morning jog, now it's time to go cool down. Got a bottle of water I could use?
"'Bout time, Sal." Sonic teased.
Alison turned to Snively again and smiled, "Okay, Snively.."
Sally interrupted her, "If we're going to do this, we have to do it right." She walked over to Alison and whispered, "We can't just smile at him, he won't take us seriously." She gently shoved Alison aside, "Okay, Snively, we're not going to hurt you.."
This time, Alison interrupted her, "Whoa! Whoa! Hey!"
"What now?" Sally asked with a pestered voice.
CROW: Which is common for those who have spent more than a few seconds around Alison at a time...
"'We're not going to hurt you'?"
"Well we..."
Alison walked over and shoved her away, "Let me do it." She took out her gun and pointed it to Snively, "Look, Nose-Boy, we know about Robotnik's plan to find Knothole and you'd better tell us where it is or you'll be waking up with a body cast on for the next few weeks!"
JOEL: Whoah, remind me not to butt in line in front of THIS girl at the grocery store!
SERVO: (as Alison) You short-changed me three cents! DIE, YOU PIG-DOGS!!
Sonic chuckled, "Past cool, Al."
JOEL: (singing) I can be your bodyguard, and you can be my long-lost paaaal...
SERVO: (joining in) And I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me Al...
"Oooh, I'm so scared." Snively sarcastically remarked.
Alison pointed the gun directly at Snively's chest even though she knew she'd never hurt him like that, "Gee, wouldn't it be a shame if my finger accidentally slipped?"
CROW: Because she knew that her aim was so bad, the only way she could possibly hurt anybody with a gun would be to turn the thing around and pistol-whip them....
"You can do what you like." Snively replied in a stern tone, "You can threaten me, point your little toy at me, you can strip for me and I won't talk!"
SERVO: AAAA! Joel, should we be watching this?
JOEL: It's okay, you guys, I'm sure the Mads woudn't send us anything dirty; this is a family show...well, at least, I THINK they wouldn't...
CROW: "Point your little 'toy' at me"? (whiny, whimpering voice) OH, NO! It's a LEGO-SET! I surrender, I surrender, just don't kill me, PLEASE!!
"Strip for you?" Alison felt offended by his remark but instead acted angry, "I'm really getting sick of your sexist remarks, Nose-Boy!"
JOEL: Yeah! You tell 'im, Al!
SERVO: Yeah!
(pause)
SERVO: Wait, who did we just cheer for, there?
"That's why some of us remain nude." Sonic smiled proudly.
CROW: TOO much inforMAtion...
BEEEEOOOO! BEEEEEEOOOOOO!
JOEL: (looking around the theater) Gypsy? Did you do that? Is there something wrong with the ship? Why are alarms going off?
"SWaTBots!" Sonic exclaimed.
A squadron of five SWaTBots in red hover crafts appeared from around the corner and charged toward the Freedom Fighters blaring their sirens.
SERVO: So why don't they just get out their fly-swatters and SWAT them? Get it? Because they're SWATbots! It's funny! Ha...ha...heh.
Once they locked the Freedom Fighters on target, they fired a few red hot laser beams at their feet. The three Freedom Fighters jumped backwards to avoid the lasers.
CROW: But failed miserably, leaving their smouldering, severed feet behind on the pavement, and their ankles burned stumps.
"Damn SWaT-Heads!" Alison aimed her weapon at one of the hover units and shot a few lasers herself. One of the beams she'd shot hit a SWaTBot right in the chest causing it to loose control of its craft and plummet to the harsh ground.
JOEL: The "harsh" ground?
CROW: (as ground) You're ugly!
SERVO: (same) You're stupid, too!
JOEL: (same) And your mother dresses you funny!
It landed with a loud clank and began to short circuit emitting sparks in every direction.
JOEL: Oh, no, guys, look out! (ducks and covers his face to avoid the sparks)
"Nice shot!" Sonic remarked.
Thanks." Alison replied. She looked into the distance where she saw more SWaTBots coming from them. "Uh oh."
CROW: "Coming from them"? Coming from WHAT?
Sonic handed Snively to Alison, "Here, you take Snittly, I'll lead the bots away from here."
JOEL: Because evidently Snively had suddenly become pocket-sized.
SERVO: "Snittly"? That's a new one...
"Okay." Alison seized Snively's arm. "You aren't going anywhere." She said to him in an evil tone even though she was really thinking, "Oh, wow, I'm actually touching him!"
CROW: I can't stand this anymore, Joel. I'm leaving.
JOEL: (putting his arm around Crow's shoulders) Come on, Crow, it'll be okay...
"Be careful, Sonic." Sally said to him before he took off.
CROW: I didn't know Sonic could fly...
SERVO: (as Sonic) "To the moon, Sally! Bang! Zoom!"
"No prob, Sal." He dashed away and stopped right in front of the bots, "Yo, SWaT-Butts! Looking for me?"
"Hedgehog alert! Hedgehog alert!" The Bots yelled at once.
JOEL: I should imagine that, compared to Red and Yellow Alert, "Hedgehog Alert" is not one that gets used a heck of a lot...
Sonic dashed underneath the bots and around a corner. The bots did a simple U-turn pursuing Sonic, blaring their sirens, and screaming things like, "Hedgehog priority one!"
CROW: They were screaming things like "Hedgehog priority one!" but perhaps not exactly that; we'll never know as the author never bothered to figure it out, either.
Alison and Sally waited for a while after Sonic had left to make sure no more bots were coming. When they knew it was clear, Sally spoke, "Okay, now we..."
JOEL: (as Sally) ...open a bed and breakfast in Vermont...
"OW!"
Sally gasped and turned to Alison and saw Snively biting down hard on Alison's arm. "Snively!" Sally exclaimed.
SERVO: (as Sally) Geez, Snively, does Robotnik never feed you or something?
Alison tried to hold her grip on his arm, but his bite felt like a sharp knife sinking deeper into her skin, so let go of Snively's arm and pushed him away from her.
JOEL: Wow, Snively's a vampire!
Snively glared at Alison for a second then cowardly ran away in the same direction Sonic had.
CROW: (ala the knights from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail") Run away, run away!
"Ow." Alison held her arm where she'd been bit then scowled at Snively, "Yeah! You'd better run!" She yelled. "You little puke-haired spit-wad!"
SERVO: OOoooooh. Notice how BRAVE she is once he's safely GONE...
"Oh no. He's getting away." Sally remarked.
JOEL: Boy, is she ever worried. Whoo.
CROW: Yeah, what convincing acting! I can just about feel her panic! Oh, no, wait, that's MY panic, at the idea of being trapped in this movie theater for this entire story...
"Well, go get him!" Alison lifted up her sleeve to look where Snively had bit her. A small amount of blood tricked out from the teeth marks. "Man! What does he do? Sharpen his teeth in the morning?"
SERVO: Of course! He's got one of those Ferengi tooth sharpeners; plated with latinum, too! Doesn't everybody?
"He's too far ahead now." Sally sighed. "Let's go find Sonic."
"Oh, so he's not too far ahead but Snively is?"
"Alison, now is not the time to be like this. We should split up and meet back here in ten minutes."
CROW: NO time is the time to be the way Alison is all the time!
Alison still felt mad about what happened before,
"Wait.. is that your ten minutes or my ten minutes?"
SERVO: (as Sally) It was ten minutes as measured by the people of Planet Gronk, in the Romulus Galaxy, where each day is three Earth days long. That won't be a problem, will it?
Sally glared at her, "Alison, now is not the time to argue about what happened before. We have to find Sonic before Robotnik finds us."
CROW: Oh, PLEASE God, let Robotnik find them before Sonic does. Oh, please oh please oh please...
"Hey, Sal!" From behind the two girls, Sonic jogged up to them. "Snively got away."
CROW: (looking towards the ceiling) THANK you for listening!
"He bit Alison in the arm and she let go." Sally explained.
"Hey!" Alison yelled. "Don't make it sound like it was my fault! I didn't see you doing anything to help!"
Sally's face turned angry, "I wasn't blaming anyone!"
Sonic came to Alison's defense, "It sounded like a blame to me, Sal."
JOEL: Oh dear lord, EVERYBODY instantly agrees with the Mary Sue character and thinks she's wonderful and free of flaw or blemish, at all times...I'm starting to agree with you, Crow...
"Sonic.." Sally began.
JOEL: (as Sonic)...I have something very important to tell you.
SERVO: (same) We have...commercial sign.
