"Public Access Weasel"



Original story by Julie Greta Fallner.
MSTed by Captain Chaotica!!
PART TWO

(Satellite of Love Bridge. Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are all gathered worriedly around Joel, who is sprawled all over the counter, totally out cold. (And somehow miraculously not lying on any of the buttons.))

CROW: Wow, the story actually KILLED him! Never seen that happen before...
TOM: No, he's just asleep! Listen, you can hear him breathe. (Joel is in fact snoring. Rather loudly.)
GYPSY: Poor Joel! (She starts sniffling).
TOM: (leans closer to Joel's face, then pulls back with a "grimace".) Ugh, here's the problem. He's drunk! His breath smells like old socks!
CROW: But...unconscious?! He didn't drink that much champagne! (Shakes head disbelievingly). Well, we'll have to wake him up, then. Now, what do you do with a drunken human...?
TOM: Put him in a shuttlecraft 'til he's sober? No, seriously, Crow, think! We don't have much time before the next story-segment, here.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
GYPSY: I know! I know! (Runs out of the room).
CROW: Gee, Tom, I don't know much about humans. All I know is that they're squishy and they don't have replaceable heads and stuff like that.
TOM: Well, we have to do SOMEthing...
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1--commercial sign now.

(Commercials.)

(Satellite of Love Bridge)

CROW: Hi, I'm Crow T. Robot, this is Tom Servo, and welcome back to the Satellite of Love. We're in a bit of a bind right now, 'cos Joel Robinson, our human, is drunk off his butt and we don't know enough about his physiology to sober him up.
TOM: Yeah, we're sure as heck not going to do the rest of that story alone!
GYPSY: (comes running back in with a bucket in her mouth) Here you go!! (dumps it on Joel. A whole ton of...WAFFLES? comes out.)
TOM and CROW: (look at her funny) WAFFLES?!
GYPSY: Well, we had so many left over from that one episode...
(Meanwhile, Joel is indeed waking up due to the Waffle Treatment. Don't question it, just accept it and move on. This IS MST3K, after all, you were expecting realism?)
JOEL: Uuuuuuhhhhh, my heeeeaaaadddd...
TOM and CROW: Joel! You're okay! We were worried about you for a minute there.
JOEL: Oh, I'm okay, I just....owwwwwwww...drank a bit too much of that champagne, I think. Will somebody PLEASE turn off that racket? (Of course, the Satellite bridge is mostly silent.)
TOM: (Fake-sympathetic baby-talk voice) Aww, does poor widdle Joelie-woelie have a widdle hangover?
JOEL: Oh, just shut up and get me a coffee. Black. (Holds his head.)
GYPSY: (From off-screen) I'll get it, Joel.
(Lights start flashing, general chaos again)

ALL: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!
JOEL: OUCH. I'm gonna have to turn the volume on that alarm down. And who's idea was it to make the lights so BRIGHT...? (We hear his voice complaining in the background all the way back to the theater.)

Back in Floating Island,

TOM: IN the Floating Island? What, did they beam inside solid rock like they always warn you against doing on Star Trek?
CROW: Maybe they're in the Lava Reef Zone. Or Red Mountain, Type Two.
TOM: This is gonna be a loooong story.
JOEL: (wincing at the glaring white screen) Owieowieowieowie...

Sally and Julie-Su decided to save their friends.

TOM: And as I keep saying, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS!
CROW: Give it up, Tom.

"He even has Knuckles!

CROW: And many other body parts!

No public access show is going to stop us from saving our friends!" said Sally.
"You're right. Hop around the hoverbike, we're going after them!" exclamed Julie-Su.

TOM: Hop AROUND the hoverbike? Doesn't anybody ride their vehicles normally in this story?!
JOEL: Ooohhhh....(in great pain)
GYPSY: ("Walks" into the theater, somehow carrying a coffeepot, a mug, and a fresh icepack in her mouth at the same time.) Here's your coffee, Joel. It took a while to brew it strong enough.
JOEL: Thanks, Gypsy, you're a life-saver. Leave the coffeepot. (He puts the icepack on his head, then pours himself a cup and takes a sip.) YOOOWWWWW!! (Jumps straight into the air.) Well, I think I just got my caffeinne ration for the entire year...
GYSPY: Glad you like it. (Leaves.)

"That weasel makes me so mad, sometimes! What's he trying to prove?" wondered Julie-Su as she stomped on her foot.

CROW: Stomped on her own foot? I'm guessing Julie-Su was in the "special" class at school, am I right...?

"He wants Robotnik to make him an heir to his throne so he could take over and have power. He's no better than him," answered Sally.
They ran to the hoverbike and took off for Robotropolis.

TOM: Wait, if Julie-Su already knew what was going on in Robotropolis, as the "plot" to this point would indicate, then why didn't she just take Sally directly THERE instead of on a joyride to the Floating Island just to watch some big-screen T.V.?!
JOEL: Just smile and nod, Tom. (Sip.)

Back in the Public Access Show, Nack was even doing stand-up. "Ya know, my family was so poor that for a Christmas dinner we had to eat a WOODPECKER!" shouted Nack into the microphone. All the robots in the audience laughed.

CROW: Except the woodpecker-shaped ones.
TOM: They polished their guns and had deep, secret fantasies of bloody revenge...
JOEL: It's too early to get that dark, Tom.
TOM: You kidding? For me, that was positively sunny!

Suddenly, Scratch and Grounder walked onto the stage, and Nack saw them. "What the hell are you dumb 'bots doing here?" he asked them angrily.

TOM: What the hell kind of names are "Scratch" and "Grounder" for robots?
CROW: Oh, great, another SatAM/AoSTH crossover fic. We don't have enough of those already...

"Dr. Robotnik says you have to include us in your show!" said Scratch.
"Yeah, if you reject us, you're going to lose the chance of being the next dictator!" said Grounder. Nack thought it over.

JOEL: Several years later...

"Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! You guys can do......uh.....'Stupid Magic Tricks'! said Nack.

JOEL: Oh, great, ripping off Letterman. (Sip)
CROW: And HE'S not even that funny!

Scratch and Grounder cheered for joy!

TOM: (snorting) Huh. They would.

Nack handed them a magic wand. "You can use the losers in the cage as your test subjects!" suggested Nack.
Cool!" said both Scratch and Grounder.

CROW and TOM: "Shut up!" said both Crow and Tom.
JOEL: Joel too.

Antoine and Amy Rose were taken out of the cage. They were shouting in protest.

TOM: NO BLOOD FOR OIL! GET YOUR LAWS OFF MY BODY! FREE THE SLAVES! STOP HIGHWAY CONSTRUCTION!
JOEL: Uh, I don't think the author means that kind of protest. (Sip)

"Non! I aming much too young and handsome to be your mageec subjeect!" said Antoine.
"*sob* *sob* Please don't do magic on us! I have a new look, see? And besides, Sonic might marry me now that he's seen my new look!" cried Amy as she showed off her new hot-pink dress and boots. (She looks like she does in Sonic Adventure, BTW.)

JOEL: "Aming"? The HELL?!
TOM: A new dress makes people want to marry you? Wow, no wonder some humans spend so much time shopping for clothes!
CROW: Her dress is RED, you idiot, RED, not hot pink! Why does EVERYBODY get that wrong?! (Breaks down sobbing on Joel's shoulder. Joel comforts him.)

"Big deal! You're still going to be test subjects!" sneered Grounder.
Scratch had the magic wand in his hand. "We're going to turn you both into

CROW: Someone with actual brains.
TOM: No, I don't think the wand has enough power for THAT.

eggs! HA! HA! HA! HA!" said Scratch.

TOM: This scene brought to you by the Egg Council.

"NO!!!!! NOT US!!!!" shouted both Amy and Antoine in protest.
"Nicing knowing you, Bon Ami!" Antoine said to Amy as they were placed on a

CROW: Roller-coaster.
JOEL: "Nicing"? The HELL?!
TOM: Just smile and nod, Joel.

table. Sonic, Knuckles, Rotor, Tails, and Bunnie can see from the capsule in which they are held in.

TOM: They can also magically change tenses in the middle of a sentence without being harmed.
JOEL: "In which they were held in?" Oi, I wish I had some more of that champagne...(Takes a GULP of coffee instead.)

"Here goes." Just when Scratch was about to use the magic wand, Grounder took it away from him. "Hey! Nack wants _me_ to turn them into eggs!" said Scratch.
"No, Nack likes me better. He wants me to do it!" said Grounder. Scratch and Grounder had got into a fight over who gets to use the magic wand.

JOEL: Hmmm. Sibling rivalry between robots. REMIND you guys of anything...?

"No, I'm gonna transform them you, dimdroid!"
"Hey, who're you callin' a dimdroid?"

CROW: (New Jersey "thug" accent) I'm callin' YOU a dimdroid! Ya gotta problem widdat?
TOM: Uhhh...story? Little help, here? Who's talking?

Nack ran up to them in disgust. "Stop fighting! I don't like _either_ of you! You can _both_ turn them into eggs!" shouted Nack in anger.

JOEL: Oh, thanks for clearing that up, story. I thought he shouted it in happiness.

Scratch and Grounder stopped fighting. "Okay," they both said as they both had the wand in their hands.

CROW: Wow, long wand.

Just when Antoine and Amy were about to get away, Scratch and Grounder waved the magic wand in their direction and in seconds, Antoine and Amy were nothing but eggs.

BOTS: (in unison) HUZZAH!!

All the robots in the audience cheered. Scratch and Grounder had taken a bow.
Nack came up to the eggs with a sledgehammer. "As these two eggs go down, Sonic and his friends are going to go up!" shouted Nack.

TOM: Uh, shouldn't that be, "as this HAMMER goes down, so will Antoine and Amy"?
JOEL: Just smile and nod, Tom. (Sip)
CROW: You keep saying that, Joel, but it never helps.

Nack broke both the eggs by hammering them into the table. Egg yolk got all over the audience as they cheered.

ALL: EEEWWWWW!!
JOEL: And all over my new red jumpsuit, too! You dimdroid!

"Oh my God! He's killed Antoine!" laughed Scratch.
"And Amy!" laughed Grounder.
"You bastard!" laughed both Scratch and Grounder.

TOM: Great, now they're ripping off "South Park"..
CROW: Oh, my, God! They killed the plot! Those BASTARDS!
JOEL: What plot?

Antoine and Amy were

CROW: Refreshingly pine-scented.

dead.

CROW: Oh. That, too.

"Why don't you guys do another magic trick?" suggested Nack.
"Okay! Someone from the audience can disappear! And I thought of it!" said Scratch.

TOM: They then made Nack disappear into the ether. This ended the show and set everyone free. The end.
JOEL: Not quite, Tom. (Sip)

"I could've thought of something better!" said Grounder.

JOEL: Yeah, riiiight, sure, you could...

Coconuts came up to the stage from the audience. "I'll do it! If I come on Nack's show, Robotnik will stop making me his janitor!"

TOM: "COCONUTS"?! I take back what I said about Scratch and Grounder; THIS is the worst Robot name I've ever heard!
CROW: How can fruit walk onto a stage, anyway?
JOEL: Now, guys, I call no more abusing Coconuts. If he's a janitor for a mad scientist, I KNOW how he feels. (Pours another cup of coffee.)
THE BOTS: (disappointed) Awwwwww....

chirped Coconuts. Scratch and Grounder lead Coconuts to a two-door closet.
"Too bad we really can't make Coconuts disappear, eh, Grounder?" chirped Scratch.

TOM: I'd be glad if they learned how to use PRONOUNS! Geez! All these names!
JOEL: Everybody seems to have transmogrified into a bird, I see.
CROW: Actually, Scratch is already sort of a bird. But he doesn't chirp.

"Yeah, we hate our youngest brother!" answered Grounder.
"Shut up and put me in the closet, already!" shouted Coconuts. Scratch and Grounder put Coconuts in the closet.

TOM: Where he suffocated and died a horrible, tragic death. The end.
JOEL: Hey, no killing the janitor!

Nack watched and thought, 'Hey, I can exploit their stupidity on this show'!
The trick was about to begin. "Okay, Grounder, fire the magic shot," said Scratch. Grounder used his finger gun and shot it in the air.

CROW: Wow, most of the time, when someone points their finger at someone and goes "Bang!", nothing happens.
TOM: Do you have a finger-gun, Joel?
JOEL: I dunno. Lemme see. (Points his finger at Tom). BANG!
TOM: AAAAAHHH!! (keels over.)
JOEL: Very funny, Tom.

Grounder opened the door, "And Coconuts is gone! For good, we hope!" exclaimed Grounder.

'BOTS: YAAYYY!!
JOEL: Hey!

"Now we shall bring him back!" announced Scratch.

'BOTS: D'OH!

"Again I will fire with magic shot!" said Grounder as he fired his finger gun again.

CROW: (points finger at Joel) BANG!
JOEL: AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!! (Does a really over-dramatic, prolonged fall, obviously starting to feel a bit hyper from the coffee.)
TOM: NOW who's being silly?

"And what do we have here, Coconuts?" said Scratch as he opened the door.

CROW: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say...Chinese food?

They both screamed when they saw Sally and Julie-Su were in the closet! "NOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT THEM!!!!!!" screamed Nack.

TOM: And just HOW did they get in there?!
JOEL: Plot Convenience Device. (sip, taps foot on floor really fast.)
CROW: So where did Coconuts go, then? "Inside" Julie-Su's hoverbike, perhaps?

"We're taking you off the air, Nack!" said Sally and she and Julie-Su walked out of the closet

CROW: I always knew those two were just a little bit too "butch".
JOEL: Crow....

and kicked Scratch and Grounder

CROW: In the crotch.
JOEL and TOM: (Wincing) Oowwww...

out of the way.
"And saving our friends! You got 'em in the capsule, don't ya?" chirped Julie-Su.

CROW: No, Gamera is in the capsule, don't you remember? (Sip)

Nack was about to push the button.

ALL: PUSH THE BUTTON, FRANK!!
JOEL: The true classics never die...

Sally thought fast and had taken out her Nicole computer.

TOM: And had changed the tense mid-sentence again.

Everyone in the audience was about to go after them.

TOM: Yeah, especially US!

"Nicole, deactivate everything!" shouted Sally.

(The screen goes dark.)

JOEL: False alarm, Magic Voice.

(The screen lights back up again.)

Within seconds, all the robots in the audience were

CROW: Made out of green Jell-O.
TOM: Now THAT is some magic spell.

dismantled. The capsule opened freeing Sonic, Knuckles, Tails, Rotor, and Bunnie. And Nack's cameras were deactivated.

TOM: As was previously stated.
JOEL: This story brought to you by the Department of Redunancy Department.

Scratch and Grounder held onto each other in fear.

CROW: (as Scratch) Oh, Grounder, I share your feelings, but this is not the time or place, my darling.
TOM and JOEL: Eeewwww...

Nack's public access show was off the air for good.

ALL: YAYYY!!! WHOOOO!!!
CROW: Let's get out of here. (Starts to rise from his seat).

Nack angrily pushed the button that launched the capsle.

CROW: Darn. (Sits back down.)
TOM: What the heck is a "capsle", anyway?
JOEL: (Squirming nervously) Um...Dr. Forrester....? Sir? I drank too much and I kinda have to use the little human's room...
TOM: I don't think he'll buy that, Joel.

(The screen pauses and the doors to the theater open.)

TOM: Hmm. Guess he's in an unusually good mood today.
JOEL: Let's take a break. (They leave in the usual manner.)

(Satellite of Love Bridge. Tom and Crow are waiting for Joel to come back out, when a light starts blinking.)

CROW: Hey, there's an incoming transmission on the Hexfield viewer! (Pushes the button that opens it.)
(On the screen is an average but pleasant-looking young blonde man wearing a baggy purple jumpsuit, a long cardboard purple tail dragging on the ground, a cardboard pointy muzzle, and a brown fedora with cardboard pointy purple ears sticking out of it. He is trying as hard as he can to look sinister, but failing miserably.)
PERSON ON VIEWSCREEN: Hey, it's the Public Access "Nack the Weasel Show"!! Starring, ME! Nack the Weasel! Now beamed all the way into space itself! (Suddenly notices robots staring at him.) Oh, hello, audience members! Would you like to be on "The Nack the Weasel Show"?
CROW: No, actually, what we would like to know is why you are such a jerk.
TOM: And where'd you get all these superpowers all of a sudden?
NACK: Ummm.....uhhhhh...Be quiet, wimps, or else I shall turn you into eggs!
CROW: (laughing) Yeah, right. You and what starfleet?
TOM: You couldn't conjure your way out of a paper bag!
NACK: (very angry) You doubt my powers? Then FEEL MY WRATH!!
(ZOT! Nack is now an egg.)
TOM: Well, that problem took care of itself. (Closes the Hexfield Viewer.)
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.

(Commercials)

(They all file back into the theater, taking up their usual seats.)

JOEL: Did I miss anything while you guys had the bridge?
CROW: Nah, nothing happened.

"Thank goodness we weren't in there!" said Rotor as he and the others looked up.
"You little girls ruined my show! MY WORK!!!!" shouted Nack as he was about to fight them.

JOEL: Geez, he sounds like Dr. Forrester.
CROW: (in his "too-perfect" Dr. Forrester imitation) I'm going to give you a real serving of PAIN this time, Joelie!
JOEL and TOM: (shudder simultaneously).
TOM: Don't DO that, Crow.

"Get 'em, Sal!" cheered Sonic.
"You can do it, Julie, my love!" said Knuckles.

ALL: (produce pennants and pompoms from under their seats and start waving them around) GO! GO! GO TEAM, GO!

Nack tried to fight them,

TOM: But of course lost because he was not the hero of the story.

but Sally and Julie-Su blocked his path. Sally punched Nack, Julie-Su kicked him and flipped him over. Nack got up and Sally kicked him in the stomach. Nack got up again and both Sally and Julie-Su kicked and punched Nack as he fell into the ground unconscious.

CROW: Wow, all the realism of that zero-g fight scene from "Moon Zero Two"!
TOM: (starts doing extremely cheesy '60s go-go music with his mouth)BOOM-shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka BOOM-shacka-lacka-lacka...
JOEL: (stands up and starts doing his little pseudo-hip funky dance from that episode, all over the theater.)
BOTS: UGH, Joel, please, I'm begging you, DON'T. Ever again.
CROW: Yeah, the sight of you shaking your groove thang like that the FIRST time was enough to put me off my feed for a month...
JOEL: (hurt) Heeeeyyyy...

"You saved us, Aunt Sally!" said Tails as he ran up to hug her.

JOEL: (high screechy voice) OOOOWWWW...MY SPINE!
TOM: Get off of me, you little weirdo! Police!

"You both were great, Sally-girl, and might Ah add that Nicole sho has a lot of powah!" exclaimed Bunnie.

CROW: Whatever "powah" is.
TOM: Oh, great, now it's in Ebonics...

Sonic ran up to Sally and they kissed. Knuckles run up to Julie-Su, and also kissed.

JOEL: But not each other.

"Yuck, gross!" said Tails.

JOEL: I'm with him on this one. (Starts pacing back and forth in front of the screen.)
CROW: Sit DOWN, Joel, you're makin' me nervous!

"Let's all jam on back to Knothole," said Sonic. They all ran from the stage.

TOM: They were immediately all hit by a speeding diesel and transformed into a sticky red stain on the highway, the end.

Nack woke up, and saw the capsule was coming in his direction, so he and Scratch and Grounder

TOM: Died. The end, already!

ran out. And the studio was exploded within seconds when the capsle hit it. "I'll get those Freedom Fighters one day! Just you wait!!!!!" shouted Nack in anger.

CROW: Did the capsUle hit it, or the unknown mysterious device called a "capsle"?

"Uhhh, I don't know what to say about this. What about you, Grounder?" said Scratch.

JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen of the viewing audience, here is a freebie so you can riff along at home. Have fun!

"I don't know," answered Grounder back.

TOM: "Answered Grounder back". AGAIN with the Department of Redunancy Department!

Meanwhile back in Knothole, Sonic told Sally that Antoine and Amy Rose died in a magic trick. So they grieved the deathes of Antoine and Amy Rose

TOM: And the "deathe" of the spell-checker.
JOEL: It's almost over, Tom; lay off the grammar riffs.

and had a double funeral in their honor. Knuckles and Julie-Su decided to stay awhile. They all went into Sonic's hut and played cards and discussed plans for world peace in Mobius.

TOM: (snorting) Oh, like THAT'S gonna happen anytime soon.
JOEL: Wow, big hut.

The end.

ALL: YAAAYAYYY!!!!! (General hoopla).
CROW: Let's get OUT of here!
(Joel picks up Tom, Crow gets up, and they all leave the theater.)

(Satellite of Love Bridge. Tom and Crow are very, very grumpy and refusing to even look at Joel. Joel keeps dancing around the room, fidgeting, etc. He's extremely hyper.)

JOEL: Oh, come on, you guys, it wasn't THAT bad. (Pace pace pace.)
CROW: Yes it was, Joel! And it wasn't even a MOVIE!!
TOM: Yeah, we suffered through that story and it didn't even make a dent in Forrester's movie collection! Do you have any idea how depressing that is?!
JOEL: (Puts his arms around both bots shoulders) Oh, come on, guys, lighten up. Tell ya what. How about we discuss what we learned from this, all right? And I'll give you each a nice big batch of waffles! (Taps fingers on counter, does a little twirl.)
TOM: (still sniffling, but starting to calm down) I learned that amateur fan-fic authors can give normally ineffectual villians super-powers that have absolutely no relevance or precedent in the actual cannon plotline just so they have some flimsy excuse to kill off characters that they don't happen to like.
JOEL: Good, good. What about you, Crow? (Fidget fidget.)
CROW: I learned that Julie-Su and Sally are lesbians.
JOEL: CROW!!
CROW: Sorry. I learned that you can make anything you want appear out of thin air, as long as you have a T.V. show.
GYPSY: (wandering in) I learned that we should keep the liquor cabinet locked so Joel can't get into it again.
JOEL: I meant, what did you learn from the STORY, Gypsy. And you didn't read it. (To Crow) Good! That wasn't so bad, was it? (Feeds waffles to both of the robots, then turns to the viewscreen where Frank and Forrester are both watching.) Hah! See? You didn't break us after all! And now I'M gonna go run around the Satellite about a dozen times! WHOOOO!! (runs out the door.)
GYPSY: (under her breath) Maybe I should lock the COFFEE cabinet, too...

(DEEP 13)

FORRESTER: (Sitting at a piano and noodling around. He doesn't notice Joel is gone.) Maybe not yet, dimdroids, but I have a whole TON of other horrible movies and stories to send your way! I'll make you guys crack SOON! You are goin' down, and you are goin' down HARD! BWAHAHAHA!!! (Grabs Frank, who looks totally normal now, by the collar.) Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: (Pushes a button at random. ZOT! Forrester is thrown backwards across the room by a massive jolt of electricity.) Whoops. Sorry, uh, wrong button, boss.
FORRESTER: GIVE me that, you ignorant oaf! (His everything is singed and his hair is standing completely on end. But then, it always does anyway.) You're about to understand a whole new definition of pain, Frank! (Pushes the right button.)
FRANK: Gulp...

--FWOOSH!--

Head (And Only) Writer: Tiffany J. Knox
STARRING:
JOEL HODGSON as Joel Robinson.
TRACE BEAULIEU as Dr. Clayton Forrester and Crow T. Robot.
KEVIN MURPHY as Tom Servo.
JIM MALLON as Gypsy.
FRANK CONNIFF as T.V.'s Frank.
MICHAEL J. NELSON as Nack the Weasel.
MARY JO PEHL as Magic Voice.

All characters portrayed in this story are completely fictitious. Any resemblance to any real people, living, dead, or undead, is purely coincidental. (And if you don't which you are, ASK!) Do not copy, fold, spindle, mutilate, or change this MSTing in any way without permission from me, Captain Chaotica!! (the exclamation points are part of the name, in case anybody was wondering).
I wrote this MST of "Public Access Weasel" without permission from Julie Fallner; I can only hope that this is an older story that she doesn't like very much anymore, because if she isn't, and she finds out about this, I may have to delete it.
Keep circulating the posts!

"Uhhhh, I don't know what to say about this. What do you think, Scratch?" said Grounder.
(C) 2000 by Chaotic Productions. All original MST3K characters and situations (C) 1988-1999 by Best Brains. No profit is intended by this MSTing, it was written merely for my own personal enjoyment.