"LET THE ACCUSED STAND FORWARD!" called out Tom Servo in a melodramatic, imperious tone. He was seated--well, hovering--at a high wooden podium and wearing a judge's long black robes and curly white wig.
Crow prodded Joel Robinson forward, the unfortunate human handcuffed and shackled with a heavy metal ball and chain on his left ankle, barely able to move, and looking even more weary and hang-dog than he usually did.
"Answer the judge, prisoner!" barked Crow, poking Joel in the back with a truncheon. Crow was dressed as a police officer.
"I...I do not understand the charges, Yer Honer," quavered Joel, giving Tom his best Innocent Bambi Eyes expression. Tom was having none of it, however.
"You know VERY WELL what the charges are! You have been accused of being an extremist! A radical! Of throwing away every spam e-mail you get! Making nasty comments against e-marketers! And finally, you are now suspected of having ties to the Communist party! Baliff, bring forth the first witness!"
"Aye-aye, Yer Honer!" chirped Crow, now dressed as a baliff, and made a gesture. Gyspy came into the room, wearing a blonde wig and a flowered house-dress.
"Madam, can you confirm for the jury, the fact that this young man is against e-marketing?"
"Yayess!" said Gypsy in a Southern accent falsetto. "Ah saw him deletin' his e-mail and cursin' up a storm, yesterday! He was raht T-O'ed, if ah remember correctly."
"Thank you, you may sit down," said Crow, shooing her out. "Next witness?"
"I'm sorry, I can't sit in that chair," came the melodious tones of Magic Voice over the intercom, "but I can provide evidence that Joel Robinson has been deleting all of his spam without reading it. His e-mail is stored in my hard drive. I can make printings of it any time you like."
"Thank you, Ms. Magic Voice," said Crow. "You may stand down. I call the third witness now, Miss Moira Thornton of New York, New York."
Gypsy walked in again, this time wearing a neat business suit and a short dark wig. "Yeah, this guy hates e-marketing. I've even seen him write back to the addresses they give you that say 'To be removed, reply here'!" she said in a heavy Brooklyn accent.
"OBJECTION!" yelled Joel, glaring at Gypsy. "For her to get into my room and see me doing these things, she'd have to be breaking and entering!"
"Overruled." Tom banged his gavel on the podium.
Crow approached the bench. "Well, your Honour, is that enough evidence for you?"
"Yes it is!" boomed Tom dramatically. "This young man is obviously a traitor to the spirit of capitalism that makes this country great! He is to be sentenced to death as soon as--"
"Hold it, HOLD it," broke in Joel, stepping out of character. With some difficulty, he slogged over to Tom and, carefully using both hands together, grabbed the little robot down from the podium. "This has gone far enough, you guys. And what's the deal with this 'Communism' thing, anyway? Nobody cares about that anymore!"
"C'mon, Joel, we were just having a little role-play to make fun of the way the idiots who wrote that spam were talking..." whined Crow. "It was just, ya know, for kicks..."
"Well, just get me out of these stupid chains, okay?" Joel held his handcuffed wrists out towards the gold robot. "We've got Movie Sign in only ten seconds here."
"Um....I kinda....lost the key..." stammered Crow.
"You LOST THE KEY?!!" Joel yelled, and attempted to lunge towards Crow, but stumbled because of the ball and chain on his ankle. "You little...oh, never mind that, we got MOVIE SIGN....!!!"
(Season 1 door sequence)
CROW: I'm really sorry, Joel. I think I might have given them to Gypsy or something...
JOEL: You'd better HOPE you did, pally, or you are one DEAD robot!
Remember that potential income chart at the beginning of
this message?
TOM: Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, who could forget a piece of timeless prose like that?
Can you imagine the kind of money you could
make if you mailed one million pieces and sold only one
tenth (.01%) of one percent? You do the math, you'll be
amazed!
JOEL: We're too lazy to do the math ourselves, so YOU do it yourself, bucko!
CROW: Also, they never got past fractions in second grade.
This product will prove to be the best of it's kind compared
to ANY CD in terms of hours and money spent bringing it to
market.
TOM: So, it's the Ultimate Waste of Time, then. Why am I not surprised?
No competitor will ever duplicate the effort of what
it takes for us to produce this superb product.
We never have compromised on quality,
ALL: BECAUSE WE NEVER HAD ANY!
and surely won't release any product before it passes our "high standards" test.
JOEL: We sell no wine before its time.
CROW: It's MILLER-TIME!
JOEL: No, it's not.
This is not a rental list that is restricted to a one-time
mailing. You are purchasing an e-mail address list for your own
personal mailings and may use it over-and-over.
TOM: (dripping with sarcasm) Ooooh, MAY I?
It's your choice... "Buy ALL the rest or buy the BEST"!
CROW: Or don't buy into ANY of these crappy pyramid schemes at all and save REAL money!
DON'T HESITATE on this offer or you will miss out on the
most effective way to market anywhere...PERIOD!
_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/
JOEL: What are those things, do you think?
CROW: A bunch of hurdles spaced really close together?
TOM: A lot of nuclear missiles ready to launch?
JOEL: No, it's a comb with really short teeth, you guys! Check it out!
** F R E E B O N U S E S **
CROW: Like the hatred of your fellow man as you fill their e-mail boxes with spam of your own!
Order within 72 hours and we'll include the following FREE
Bonuses...
JOEL: A lovely T-shirt!
TOM: This practical and snazzy tote-bag! A 75 dollar value but we're giving it to YOU, our customers, for only 25 bucks!
CROW: And a brand new CAR!! (audience cheering noises.)
we call this our "BUSINESS ON A DISK" bonus.
CROW: But WE call it a pile of--
JOEL: Crow...
CROW: --garbage. Geez, what did you THINK I was going to say...?
It's sad, but many people purchase address cd's...
TOM: You're right, that IS sad.
and then spend additional hundreds buying the specialized software to enable them to send their mail out. Then they have to search for days-and-months on end to find a product that
CROW: Will actually show them how to get a LIFE!
will sell on the 'net.
JOEL: Well, I tried selling lemonade on a net once, but it kept dripping through the holes...
TOM: (sarcastically) Oh, real cute, Joel.
We've solved that problem entirely with our exclusive
"BUSINESS ON A DISK" bonus offer:
TOM: Yes, it sends a virus into the customer's computer that instantly deletes all the addresses on their CD's, thereby making the problem of how to send mail totally moot!
CROW: I wish....
1. A Professional Mailing Software. This proven software
JOEL: It's been proven guilty in a court of law. Like ME...(shakes his handcuff-chains menacingly at Crow.)
CROW: I'll ransack the whole Satellite for the keys, Joel, I swear!
has sold for as high as $299.00. This is not a demo, but
a full working version.
CROW: Fully functional!
JOEL: Are we not men? We are DEMO!
It is what the pro's have used for years and is simply THE BEST
TOM: (singing) Bettah than all the rest!
mailing software. This Mailer saves the resources of your ISP
JOEL: For a midnight snack.
by utilizing its own Mail Server/Client/Routing/ system. You don't pass a single copy
ALL: EEEWWWW!!
CROW: Sounds painful.
of e-mail through your dial-up's mail servers... or any
type of third party relaying for that matter. Stay one step
ahead of the competition with these incredible features!
JOEL: Like eyes!
CROW: Ears!
TOM: Noses!
JOEL: And many more.
(SORRY, SINCE IT IS FREE WE CANNOT OFFER ANY TECHNICAL SUPPORT, however set-up instructions and "help" files are included).
TOM: Oh, thank you so VERY much. What Internet service truly DOES offer technical support, anyway?!
CROW: At least they're being open and up-front about their lack of service, this time.
TOM: True. That doesn't make the hate go away, though.
2. Every survey has always indicated that the easiest and
most profitable product to sell on the Internet is
ALL: PORN!
INFORMATION!
TOM: I am Number Two. You are number Six.
JOEL: Who is Number One?
TOM: We want..."information"...
JOEL: I am NOT a number! I am a FREE MAN! Well, relatively speaking...
If you have an "information" type product, then there is no easier way to become financially independent.
CROW: Other than inheriting, that is.
Our "BUSINESS ON A DISK" gives you 500 reports/manuals/books
that that are yours to use. You may instantly start your
"Information Product" business!
JOEL: Or, you may let it sit around for years on end and use it as a coaster! We don't really care! We're just desperate to clear these things out of our warehouse any way we can!
Just think, you can reproduce a complete book on a floppy disc in just a few seconds, for around 35 cents. These are the same books that have sold for $99.
CROW: BOOKS for 99 bucks?! What are they, college textbooks?
"Special Reports" cost you pennies to produce and can be
sold for as high as $15... or the whole group for as high as $140.00.
TOM: "Cause your pennies to produce"? What is this thing, a fertility drug for money?
JOEL: No, that's "cost you" pennies to produce, Tom.
TOM: Oh.
3. "THE BULK E-MAIL SURVIVAL GUIDE" A manual/guide that
addresses the Bulk E-Mail business. Especially useful for
beginners. "THE BULK E-MAIL SURVIVAL GUIDE" will
TOM: Show you how to safely hack your way through the dark and steamy thicket of the Internet jungle, with only a Bowie knife and a canteen...
answer most of your questions and concerns about Bulk E-Mail. An exclusive for our customers... INCLUDED FREE.
CROW: I got some questions and concerns about Bulk E-Mail that I'd like to have them answer.
JOEL: Let's hear 'em, Crow.
CROW: Why? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY spam e-mails teaching other people how to spam, good God, WHY?!! Isn't the net already annoying enough as it is?
JOEL: I'm going to have to turn down your guys' emotion chips. This thing is really getting to you two...
4. List Management Software - This is the software the
Pro's use to manage their mailing lists. (Not a demo!)
TOM: We have a Casio for that.
5. OTHER BONUS SURPRISES.
JOEL: Like measels!
TOM: The Bubonic Plague!
CROW: And several lethal forms of psoriasis!
TOM AND JOEL: PSORAISIS?!
We've also included a professional
CROW: Elvis Imitator. Goddess alone knows why...
extracting software (fully functional demo that you can try and use).
JOEL: It's the new, ultra-sharp "EXTRACT-O Knife!"
CROW: Wow, it really IS "fully functional", then.
JOEL: I know a little robot who REALLY needs a time out...
This is the specialized e- mail software that the "heavy hitters" are using day-in and day-out to bring
TOM: Peace and joy to all children at Christmastime!
in hundreds of orders.
This "BUSINESS ON A DISK" bonus is yours absolutely FREE if
you order within the next 72 hours.
JOEL: And if you're even ONE MINUTE over the deadline, we reposess your house and start using your children in ritual sacrifices to the Goddess Aphrodite!
TOM: This isn't "Firemaidens of Outer Space", Joel.
JOEL: I wish it was!
TOM: (aside, to Crow) Whoah, boy, watch out, the human's lost it...
After that...
Poof!... it's gone!
ALL: YAAAYYY!! WHOOOO!! WHOO-HOO!!
CROW: Let's get outta here. (Stands up and starts to leave.)
JOEL: Um, there's still more of the spam left, Crow.
CROW: Damn! (reluctantly sits back down).
***SPECIAL BONUS*** Order within the next 72 hours and receive
TOM: Everything your heart desires!
CROW: Except a way to END THIS SPAM!!
an additional 972,565 e-mail addresses as a prompt ordering bonus. Making it 10,972,565 of the finest premium
JOEL: Caviar.
addresses available anywhere.
Order Now!
TOM: But wait! It also comes with a year's supply of turtle wax!
JOEL: Spatulas of all shapes, sizes, and colours, for ALL your spatula needs!
CROW: And a special hand-attachment for vacuuming those hard-to-reach areas in corners!
TOM: NOW how much would you pay?
TOM: The slashes go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah...
CROW: It's a SLASHER film! Aaaaaaa!!!
JOEL: Those lines are really slashing out at society.
D O N ¹ T H E S I T A T E on this one or you will
TOM: Die a horrible, fiery death!
miss out on the most effective way to market anywhere...PERIOD!
JOEL: We won't offer any proof of this claim! We'll just keep ramming it into your head over and over until your brain turns into a bowl of soft oatmeal!
O R D E R N O W . . . SAME DAY SERVICE (M-F)
CROW: Male/female service? Saaaayyyy....
JOEL: Crow...you're not even really a male! You're an IT, for pete's sake!
CROW: Then why'd you program me with a guy's libido?
JOEL: (thoughtfully) Well, this was before Gypsy was controlling the environment on the ship, and there wasn't as much oxygen as there should have been...I think I was kinda dizzy and punch-drunk at the time...it's all a bit of a blur, actually...
if your order is received before 6pm Eastern. If you have any further questions or to place an order, you can
ALL: BITE US!
call us toll free and direct at:
JOEL: 867-5309. Ask for Jenny.
1-888-800-6339 ext. 1010
__________________________________________
To order, via credit card simply cut
CROW: Everything above that line...
TOM: AND below.
JOEL: Amen.
/paste and print out the EZ ORDER FORM below and fax to our office today.
TOM: Spellchecker not included.
***** MILLIONS CD - VOLUME 9 *****
***** NOW ONLY $247! *****
This "Special Price" is in effect
JOEL: Notice how they put the word "special" in quotes like that. Makes ya think, doesn't it...?
for the next seven days,
CROW: "Seven Days"? Isn't that yet another one of the boring filler programs they have on the Sci-Fi Channel?
JOEL: Crow...what did I say about the fourth wall...?
CROW: But Joel, they cancelled our show!
after that we go back to our regular price of $299.00 ...
Don't delay... you can be in business tomorrow!
TOM: And in jail the day after that!
We accept Visa, Mastercard, Amex and Checks by Fax.
JOEL: (deep, slow voice). Yeeeahhh, we "take" credit cards. They're real easy ta sell. Heh heh heh.
----------------------Cut & Paste----------------------
---------------------EZ Order Form---------------------
_____Yes! I want everything!
CROW: I want to decide who lives and who dies!
I am ordering within 72 hours. Include my FREE "Business On A Disk" bonus along with your 10 Million Vol. 9 E-Mail address CD (plus 972,565 bonus addresses) for the special price of only $247.00 +
TOM: Your everlasting soul.
shipping as indicated below.
JOEL: Where? (Stands up and looks at the screen, "leaning" on one of the lines of text and acting as if he's trying to see over a wall.) I don't see anything...
_____Yes! I missed the 72 hour special, but I am ordering
Vol. 9, super clean e-mail addresses within 7 days for the
"special" price of only $247.00 + s&h.
CROW: S&H? What's that stand for?
TOM: Syrup and Hoagies?
JOEL: Saucy and Hot?
CROW: Silly and Helpful?
TOM: Seagulls and Horses?
JOEL: Shatner and Hurling?
_____Oop's I missed the 72 hour and 7 day "specials". I am
ordering Vol. 9 at the regular price of $299.00 + s&h.
TOM: ____Oop's I forgot that the word "oops" doesn't have an apostrophe in it. Please send me a working brain as soon as possible.
____I would like to receive my package FedEx OVERNIGHT. I am
including $15 for shipping. (Hawaii & Alaska $20 - Canada $25,
all other International add an *additional* $25 [$40 total] for shipping)
____I would like to receive my package FedEx 2 DAY delivery.
I'm including $10 for shipping. (Sorry no Canada or International
delivery - Continental U.S. shipping addresses only)
TOM: Yeah, screw Canada! Who needs 'em?
CROW: They're not even a real country anyway!
JOEL: Guys, what did I say about watching "South Park"...?
***Please Print Carefully***
CROW: What would happen to you if you decided to use cursive instead?
TOM: It's like copying rented video tapes or removing that tag that says "Do Not Remove", Crow...instant death.
NOTE: Orders cannot be shipped without complete information
including your signature. No exceptions!
JOEL: Probably somewhere in the 2040's, later if my health holds out...
NAME ON CARD___________________________________________
CROW: The Joker. 'Cos, it's on a CARD, you see, and...heh...kill me now...
TOTAL AMOUNT (Including Shipping): $___________________
ALL: ZERO!
DATE:x__________________
JOEL: Not very often now that I'm in space, unfortunately.
TOM: You want us to tell you the date? Well, I reckon it's sometime--Crow, join me, if you will?
'BOTS: (singing) "...in the not-too-distant future..."
JOEL: Remember what happened LAST time you started singing that? (Lunges to do some kind of bodily harm to the 'bots, but falls on his face due to his shackles.) OWIE!
(Required) SIGNATURE:x_________________________________
I understand that I am purchasing the Millions CD Vol. 9 e-mail address CD, the addresses are not rented, but are mine to use for my own
TOM: Chocolate-chip cookie recipies.
mailing, over-and-over.
TOM: And over, and over, and OVER...(smoke starts pouring out of his dome.)
JOEL: Calm down there, little buddy.
Free bonuses are included, but cannot be considered part of
the financial transaction. I understand that it is my responsibility to comply with any laws applicable to my local area.
CROW: Any laws? Including the ones about things like how you can't marry a goat except for on Tuesdays after dark, and how you can only burn witches if you have a liscense, that kind of thing?
As with all software, once opened the CD may not be returned,
JOEL: But how are you ever going to avoid late fines, then?
however, if found defective it will be replaced with like product at no charge.
TOM: Or you can have it replaced with "hate product" for a small fee.
You may fax your order to us at: 1-801-881-0642
JOEL: Or you may throw your money straight down the toilet. Saves time in the long run.
CHECK BY FAX SERVICES!
CROW: Saaaaayyy...check out the fax services on THAT tomato! Rrrowwwrrr!
TOM: I'd sure like to write HER check, hmm-MM!
JOEL: You guys just HAD to go back into the "Double Entendre Sketch", didn't you?
TOM: Hey, you brought that episode up!
If you would like to fax a check, paste your check below and fax it to our office along with the EZ Order Form forms to:
JOEL: (singing) On the roof, the stars put on a show...for free....
CROW: It's a chorus line!
TOM: (starts singing "Can-Can" music) Da, da-da-da-da-DAH da da-da-da-da DAH da da-da-da-da-da DAH-da-da-da-da-da-da dah...
***24 HOUR FAX SERVICES*** PLEASE PASTE YOUR
JOEL: Spleen to a wall. It'd be less painful than reading THIS!
CHECK HERE AND FAX IT TO US AT 1-801-881-0642
TOM: Just in case you forgot that number, here it is again for the twenty thousandth time!
CROW: (singing) Snow-flakes keep falling on my head. And that means that soon these spamming jerks will all be DEAD! La la la la la! La...
If You fax a check, there is no need for you to mail the
original. We will draft a new check, with the exact information from your original check. All checks will be held
TOM: And cuddled thoroughly. They're very lonely.
JOEL: (sighs, shakes his head.)
for bank clearance. (7-10 days) Make payable to:
"EB Services"
TOM: Electronics Boutique?
JOEL: Encyclopedia Brown?
CROW: Electric Barbarella?
JOEL: Somebody's been getting into the Duran Duran CDs, I see...
CROW: And the stars come out one more time to take a bow.
ALL: (whistling, cheering, clapping)
JOEL: The most likeable characters!
TOM: Well, I guess that's it.
JOEL: Let's get out of here. (Picks up Tom, leaves, Crow walking in front of him.)
(Season 1 door sequence again, backwards)
Joel tossed the remnants of the handcuffs on the floor with a flourish. He then picked up a bowl that had steam and a delicious smell rising out of it. "Thank the gods THAT'S over with. Okay, who wants some nice piping-hot RAM chips...?" he teased.
"I DO!!! I DO!!" chorused Tom and Crow.
"ME TOO!" said Gypsy, almost chomping down on Joel's head in her excitement.
Joel tried not to laugh as he continued, "Well, you all know the rules. You gotta tell me a good thing and a bad thing about the movie. Tom?"
Servo twisted his head back and forth thoughtfully and waved his inneffectual arms. "Well, Joel, the good thing is that it had absolutely nothing to do with that Elian Gonzales story."
"You do realise, you just totally dated this MSTing for all time there, Tom." Crow reminded him.
"Hush." Joel clamped Crow's beak shut for a moment with his free hand. "Okay, and the bad thing?" Joel dangled the RAM chip temptingly over Tom's head.
"It was a spam about how to send more spam to people! AAARRGGGH!! How evil can you GET?!"
"All right, there ya go, little buddy." Joel placed the RAM chip in Tom's "mouth" and just barely managed to pull his fingers back in time. "Crow?"
"Um..." the gold robot rolled his eyes around for a moment in thought, "The good thing is, it wasn't as long as 'Lost Continent'."
"And the bad thing...?"
"The rock climbing was MORE interesting, for pete's sake!"
"Okay, here you go!" Joel placed a RAM chip in Crow's beak.
"RAM chip for Gypsy?" The large purple robot loomed over Joel's shoulder, and if she had been able to drool, she would have.
"Sure!" And he just placed the entire bowl in her huge mouth.
"Joel! You didn't even ask her any questions!" accused Tom.
"But she didn't even see the movie," explained Joel, shrugging.
"OH." chorused both bots.
"AND...a special surprise for all of you! Close your eyes!" Joel put blindfolds over Tom's eyes, Gypsy's eye, and Crow held his own hand over his eyes. "Noooo peeking now!" He giggled.
"Aw, c'mon, Joel, what is it?" whined Tom.
"Can we open our eyes yet?" complained Crow.
"Yeah!" said Gyspy.
"Okay...you can open them now." Joel smiled. "SURPRISE!! HAPPY EASTER!!"
A fancy Easter basket full of goodies sat in front of each bot, and there were pastel decorations and fake flowers all over the Satellite bridge.
"Sorry it's a few days late," he apologised sheepishly, "but it takes time to ship things up here, since we're in space and all..."
"Wow, how'd you decorate so fast?" gasped Tom.
Joel shrugged. "Magic Voice helped...anyway, guys, there are jellybeans hidden all over the Satellite. Go find them!"
"YAYY!!" the robots took off in all directions.
"I love to see them happy like that," Joel thought to himself, and pushed the Mads' light, which was flashing. "Whaddya think, sirs?"
Forrester was bent over the "Monster-Cycle", his labcoat badly tangled in the bike's gears, and cursing soundly. "Ricker-racker-rassum frassum squirrel meat flippin' dinglehopper...!"
Erhardt quickly stepped in front of the older mad scientist, obscuring Forrester from view. "Uh...just great, Strawberry Shortcake, Lemon Meringue and Raspberry Tart.
We loved it. Hey, weren't you going to have your your little bird-bot cut your hair after the movie?"
Joel shrugged and tossed a lock of hair back over his shoulder. "I decided to keep it this way. For a while, at least. So, what's new by you?"
"Um...nothing, nothing.." stammered Erhardt. He started frantically trying to free Dr. Forrester without letting on that anything was wrong.
"File this, Larry" gasped out the green-coated doctor, grabbing hold of a clipboard with his teeth and nodding his head in Larry's direction.
"You got it, Clay!" Larry took the clipboard and started to walk off out of Cambot's range.
"And get the Jaws of Life while you're at it. Ooowwww.....!"
