AUTHOR'S NOTE:
This was originally a post on the Sci-Fi Channel's Mystery Science Theater 3000 message board, where another poster, "The_Umbillicus", made up a game called "Fill in the Riffs", where he invited anyone who cared to do so to riff popular SONGS, as opposed to more traditional text MSTing targets like bad fanfics or spam. That week, he had chosen "Material Girl" by Madonna. Now, I actually kind of LIKE this song, but I was in a silly mood that day and my newly-developed MSTing muscles were just ACHING to be stretched. So...welcome to my 2nd MSTing, everybody!
(SOL Bridge. Joel and the 'bots are dressed up in various wacky costumes. Joel is wearing a foofy white long-sleeved shirt, (open in the front to show he's still wearing the jumpsuit as well underneath) a weird little round black hat, and a long cornrow-braided brown wig, all of which looks very fake. Crow is dressed in a glittering purple lame trenchcoat with a black ringlets wig and purple-rimmed Ray-Ban sunglasses, Tom is wearing a blonde wig done up in a very high ponytail and a slutty-looking outfit of a black teddy with a "cone-bra" type thing and garters dangling off the ends of his hoverskirt, and Gypsy is done up with a flaming orange wig that reaches for the sky and junk-jewelry necklaces ALL down her tube--the part we can see, anyway--as well as multiple earrings on each side of her head. They are all cavorting randomly about and singing snatches of songs. Catchy yet irritating music is playing in the background.)
JOEL: (Suddenly looking up into the camera, as if startled) Oh, hi, everybody! My name's Joel Robinson, and I was just trying to explain the concept of the
'80s to my robot pals, and they decided to act out a pageant pretending to be various famous singers from that decade! I joined in 'cos, you know, I love to see them grow and expand their horizons. Tell 'em who we all are, guys.
CROW: Oh, well, I'm Prince, you see, the Purple One himself. Driver of the Little Red Corvette and later on, for a time, the weirdest-named singer ever. But in the '80s, he had a name you could pronounce, and he was cooler.
JOEL: How about you, Gypsy?
GYPSY: I'm Cyndi Lauper, because I really am So Unusual. I'm a girl who wants to have FUN!
JOEL: You said it, Gypsy, no-one's more unusual than you. And we love you for it. I'm playing the part of Boy George, (flips a long braid out of his face), the British cross-dressing white reggae sensation. (Goes into a goofy falsetto voice and croons) Do you really want to hurt me...
TOM: Oh, nice accent there, Jolene. (Snickers). Me, I'm Madonna! The Material Girl! The Queen of Pop herself! At first I thought Crow was only trying to humiliate me by suggesting I put this costume on, but now, I realise that I am secure enough in my masculinity that it doesn't bother me. I'm dressed like a
woman, baby! And I LIKE it!
JOEL: Oh, wait, the Mads are calling. (Pushes button.)
(DEEP 13. Dr. Forrester is staring at Joel and the 'bots in total, undisguised horror. Frank is nowhere to be seen.)
FORRESTER: Well, you've certainly outdone yourselves in weirdness THIS time, Boy Joel. Just when I thought you couldn't get any more disturbing...
JOEL: (hopefully) Uh, yeah, that's it, I've finally gone crazy from all those bad movies! Well, you proved your point, your experiment worked. You can send us back home now.
FORRESTER: Yeah, right. I'm so sure. You've tried that one before, my little Karma Chameleon, and it didn't work then either! At any rate, I'm foregoing the Invention Exchange this week, because I need Frank to be its victi--er, to help demonstrate it--and he's out seeing a movie with my mother. So--
JOEL AND THE 'BOTS: (interrupting) You don't have an Invention, and we do! That means we WON! HA! In your face, Dr. F! U! S! A! U! S! A! U! S! A!
FORRESTER: Cut that out! Anyway, I'm not sending you a movie this week, either-
JOEL AND THE 'BOTS WHOO-HOO!! (total partying down)
FORRESTER: But I AM sending you a really stinky song. In the light of this song, your little fire-hydrant's costume is really ironic, Jumpsuit Joelie! It's "Material Girl" by Madonna herself. Yes, I DO really want to hurt you, and I think I'll do it right now! You and the rest of Duran Duran are doomed, I tells ya, DOOMED! HAHAHAHAHA!! Send them the song, Fra--oh, yeah, right. (Pushes movie button himself.)
(SOL BRIDGE: Lights flashing, general chaos)
JOEL AND THE 'BOTS: AAAAHHHH!!! WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!!
(Still wearing their costumes, they run in all directions for the theater.)
(Seasons 2-5.5 Door Sequence)
(Normally, a song would necessitate absolutely no picture on the screen, but without the picture, you can't see the Shadowrama! It would just be...BLACK. Solid black. So, imagine that the video for "Material Girl" is playing on the screen--but the guys are only riffing the song itself for some reason. Dr. Forrester evidently gets VH1 down in Deep 13...)
(The guys enter in the usual fashion, Joel taking off his own and the robots' wigs, hats, sunglasses, etc. and just randomly tossing them on the floor. For a janitor, he sure has messy habits.)
"Material Girl"
CROW: Is that when you make a woman out of cloth?
"By Madonna"
TOM: Not to be confused with any Biblical figures.
"Copyright 1985."
CROW: 1985? Hey! Joel, explain to me again, WHY did you like the '80s, exactly...?
JOEL: Well, there was a lot of good stuff in the '80s too, Crow. There was...um....breakdancing, and Rubik's cube, and the B-52's, and video games started up, and so did computers...let's see...parachute pants, blue eye-makeup, Reagan's presidency...oh, wait, whoops, that's a BAD thing...um...
CROW: You really don't have a clue what you're talking about, do you, Joel?
"Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me, I think they're okay,"
JOEL: But when the GIRLS do that stuff, it's way more than just "okay"!
"If they don't give me proper credit, I just walk away!"
TOM: Now listen here, Miss Madonna, I can't give you full credit for this assignment. You forgot to show your work.
CROW: (in high-pitched voice, as Madonna) That's it, I'm leavin' this school!
"They can beg and they can plead, but they can't see the light,"
JOEL: Because they're wearing their sunglasses, DUH!
CROW: And at night, no less.
"'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash is"
TOM: Obviously under the impression that a freezer can double as a wallet.
"always Mr. Right."
JOEL: (in dorky falsetto): Is he a dream....or a dud...?
"'Cause we are living"
CROW: Technically, as a robot, I'm not really alive, so speak for yourself,
lady!
"In a material world"
TOM: As opposed to what, a world made entirely of energy-fields spinning around each other in brilliant colours at the edge of the universe?
CROW: Hey, that would be pretty cool.
"and I am a Material Girl"
JOEL: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Madonna DOES have atoms clinging together making up her body! For those of you at home who were wondering.
TOM: I'm still not convinced, Joel.
"You know that we are living in a material world, and I am a Material Girl!"
ALL: YOU JUST SAID THAT!
"Some boys romance, some boys slow dance,"
JOEL: Isn't she a little old to be dating boys? How about MEN?
"That's all right with me,"
TOM: (in snooty, sarcastic voice), Oh, well, I'm so GLAD it meets with your allmighty APPROVAL!
CROW: tHe MiSsTrEsS wIlL nOt Be PlEaSed...
JOEL AND TOM: AAAAAAHHH!!! NEVER DO THAT!!!
"If they can't raise my interest,"
CROW: As well as..."raising"...other things...heh heh heh...
JOEL: (Clamps Crow's beak shut.) ONE more comment like that and you are
getting a time out, young man.
CROW: Whoo-hoo! No more song!
JOEL: No, I mean like what I did to you guys that one time after you tossed me out the airlock for fun and refused to let me back in.
CROW: (gulps, then, in a small voice): I'll be good.
"Some boys try and some boys lie,"
JOEL: And some boys even try to lie! It's FUN with RHYMING!
CROW: It's Alphabet Antics with Madonna!
TOM: It's Madonna and random words, in a collision course with wackiness!
"But I don't let them play,"
TOM: I guess she really IS dating little boys! Eew...
CROW: Unless she means..."playing"...in ANOTHER sense...heh heh heh...
JOEL: Wires, Crow. Electrodes. PAIN.
CROW: Eek.
"Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day!"
TOM: Oh, yeah, those guys who have huge jars of pennies dating back to the Carter Administration just attract babes like flies on meat, all right.
CROW: (in goofy falsetto "cracking" voice, like a pimply teenager) Uh, lady, will you go out with me? I got this big jar of pennies and everything...I think
there MIGHT be enough in there for us both to go to McDonalds...
JOEL: (in sarcastic "female" voice) Get BENT, ya little twerp!
"'Cause we are living in a material world"
CROW: Except for Madonna, who is evidently living in her own little world...
TOM: The voices in Madonna's head get meaner! She feels dark hands pushing her onwards, towards a shadowy, horrible path of evil and destruction, where she will reign over the world as the Queen of Death, sitting on a throne of human bones above a sea of blood, and--
JOEL: (Clamps hand over Tom's mouth) That's enough from you, as well.
"And I am a Material Girl! You KNOW that we are living in a material world, and I am a Material Girl!"
JOEL: No, actually, I didn't know that until now. Thanks for sharing.
TOM: (dramatic "announcer voice): Last time, on Mystery Redundancy Theater 3000...
(Instrumental part.)
CROW: (sighs. Over the music) Ya know, Joel, I think instrumental solos are basically the underwater fight scenes of songs.
JOEL: Well, I can see that--HUH?!
TOM: Whoops, Joel, you haven't seen that one yet.
CROW: Pray you never do...
"Boys may come and boys may go, and that's all right, you see."
CROW: Especially that first part...heh heh heh...
JOEL: Okay, that's IT! (Picks up Crow and marches out of the theater with him.
Tom is left momentarily alone.)
TOM: Uh, guys?
(The song is still playing): "Experience has made me rich, and now they're after me!"
TOM: Oh, "experience"? Is THAT what the kids are calling it these days? (Shakes head) Geez, I'm getting as bad as Crow! JOEL? Hey! The song's over! They're to the repeat chorus and fade part, it's like the credits! Come get me OUT of here!
JOEL: (muffled) Be there in a minute, little buddy!
(Comes in and carries Tom out finally).
(SOL Bridge. Crow is hooked up to some kind of nasty-looking wire contraption and moaning with pain; Tom is watching him in concern.)
JOEL: Okay, I guess that's enough for now. (Unhooks wires.)
CROW: Oooh! Uh! Man! Joel, how come you're so mean to us? The big blonde doofus guy never does stuff like THIS!
TOM: SSSSHHH!! Crow, do you have ANY sense of continuity or the fourth wall? Geez! And you know VERY well it's because he doesn't know how to repair us if we get broken, and Joel here does.
JOEL: (Looks confused for a moment. Blink.) Big blonde guy? Who the heck are you talking about...never mind. So, have we learned to keep our potty mouth out of the theater, hmmmn? And have we learned to keep our minds out of the gutter?
CROW: Mouth, I'll try to work on. Mind, however, I can't promise nothin'.
JOEL: (Shrugs) Good enough, I guess. Oh, wait, the Evil Underlord is calling.
(DEEP 13. Forrester is watching VH1's "Pop-Up Video" and laughing his head off.)
FORRESTER: Hey, guys, I found this great show, they play old music videos and then make snotty comments about them at the same time, and...uh.... (trails off)...actually, the concept is eerily familiar in a way, but I can't put my finger on it... No matter. How was your steaming, smelly pile of musical manure this time, my little Bangles? Is your suffering too much to bear, hmmm?
JOEL: We couldn't be better! It was nice and short and really funny!
CROW: And it had lots of naked chicks and dirty innuendo!
JOEL: CROW! Anyway, sirs, we're fine up here! In fact, I was about to go find my "Living in Oblivion" CDs, break out some Cool Ranch Doritos and Dr. Pepper, and throw a New Wave party! WHOO!
FORRESTER: HA! You're in pain and you just won't admit it, Joelie-cakes! I have the last laugh after all! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! (calming down) Push the button, Fra--oh, yeah, right.
--FWOOSH!--
This MSTing is a work of humour. Any and all resemblance to any real persons, living, dead, or undead, was very much intended.
"Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy day!"
