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(The song itself is in bold.)
DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, "Shine", and anything I reference are properties of their respective owners. No profit is being made from this work of MSTing. No offense is intended to... anyone, really.)
(MST3K Theme - take your pick, as long as Joel's in it)
(SOL Bridge. Joel and the 'bots are sitting around a campfire in a room made up like the Australian outback. (Upon closer inspection, the "wood" is fireproof and there's a gas line running from the fire to a propane tank.) There's a barbeque on the fire with tofu "shrimp" on it. They're sitting around singing "Waltzin' Matilda".)
ALL: (off-key and ritardo) ...you'll come a Waltzin' Matilda with meeeeeee...
TOM: That's a great song, Joel, can we sing it again?
JOEL: Sure, Tom, let's... (looks at screen) 'ello! We're pretendin' it's noighttime in the outback, and we're just relaxing and throwin' a few shrimp on the barby!
CROW: Nice Ozzie accent, Joel... (snickers) ... of course, we who can't appreciate the delightful taste of tofu shrimp are chowing down on microfilm and a few megs of meg... er, RAMs of meg... uh... megs of RAM.
TOM: Fiche and chips!
CROW: That... was painful.
JOEL: Ooogh. Not as painful as the taste of these "shrimp". Oh, the Mads are calling. (pushes button)
(DEEP 13. Dr. Forrester is looking at Joel and the 'bots with his arms crossed. Frank is standing perfectly still, in a zombie-like state.)
FORRESTER: Boy, Joel, for a janitor who used to do such a good job of cleaning up the place, you sure can be messy.
JOEL: Oh, we temporarily turned the bridge into the outback.
FORRESTER: Only this time, it's "My Rules. Just Right." Uh, where'd you get all the sand?
JOEL: You wouldn't believe how much space dust we've collected up here. (notices Frank) What's with Frank?
FORRESTER: Well, I'm glad you asked. See, Frank found this CCM song on Napster, so we decided to give it a listen, Frank first, of course. His brain melted trying to understand it. I can't use him like this, so no Invention Exchange this time. In fact, he's in the way more than usual! I've been working on getting him back to normal; after all, if I don't I have to do everything myself more than usual! Anyway, after seeing the song's effects on Frank, I *knew* it was the perfect song to send to you, along with the Napster bill. MUWHAHAHAHA!
JOEL: That's evil...
FORRESTER: Thank yeeeeeewwwww! Oh, and your outback scene is appropriate; the group's Ozzie! (Pushes the song button. Yes, they got a button for every kind of media they send, finally.)
(SOL BRIDGE: Lights flashing, the usual pandemonium)
JOEL & 'BOTS: WE GOT SONG SIGN!
(They disperse for the theater.)
(Seasons 1-5.5 Door Sequence)
(Imagine the images on the screen to be... an acting out of the words of the song. Don't imagine too hard; you don't want to end up like Frank. ;-) )
(Usual entry)
"Shine"
ALL: (singing) Look at the stars... see how they shine for... you...
by The Newsboys
TOM: Okay, are they anchormen, reporters, newspaper deliverers...?
CROW: If so, they're years late with the paper.
JOEL: Crow, we don't even have a subscription.
CROW: Ah, that explains it.
Copyright 1994
dull as dirt
JOEL: Heeey, it's *our* job to riff the song!
you can't assert
TOM: What do you mean, I can't initialize things in an assert()?
JOEL: Nobody's going to get that, Tom.
the kind of light
JOEL: Arclight? Incandescant? Neon?
TOM: Candlelight? Sunlight? Starlight?
CROW: Halogen? Moonlight? Gaslight?
that might persuade a strict dictator to retire
TOM: Thus leaving space for the *next* dictator to step in...
fire the army
JOEL: Actually, wouldn't you fire the army while you still have authority to do so?
TOM: No, because another dictator could easily take over.
JOEL: You're right, changing the form of government would be better.
teach the poor origami
CROW: Aw, the poor little origami...
TOM: How will teaching Japanese paper-folding be of benefit?
JOEL: Just smile and nod, Tom.
The truth is
JOEL: ... out there. (starts humming and whistling X-Files music)
CROW: No, *you're* out there.
JOEL: What?
CROW: Nothing, just an old joke.
TOM: Actually, we're *all* "out there". Outer space!
in
JOEL: the Billards Room with a lead pipe.
the proof is when you hear your heart start asking "What's my motivation?"
CROW: Joel, I've listened to your heart, and all I've ever heard it say is "Buh-bum, buh-bum.."!
JOEL: I think what they're referring to is a figurative heart. See, in ancient times, the figurative heart and the literal blood-pumping heart were thought to be the same thing, so calling both "heart" is a holdover from those times.
CROW: Ohhhhh... (makes crazy sign at Joel, for Tom's benefit)
and try as you may,
TOM: (as Yoda) Do, or do not do. There is no try.
there isn't a way
JOEL: (singing) Do you know the way to San Jose...
CROW: DON'T do that.
to explain the kind of change that would make an Eskimo
TOM: Pie!
JOEL: Mmmm, Eskimo Pies...
renounce fur
CROW: (as "Eskimo") You! Polar bear! Take off that coat! Do you know how many bears had to DIE for that coat?
TOM: (as polar bear) None, because I grew it!
CROW: (as "Eskimo") Oh. Then do you know how many *seals* had to d--
TOM: (as polar bear) (chomp, chew) *burp*
JOEL: Actually, I think it's about *humans* wearing fur.
that would make a vegetarian barbecue hamster
ALL: EEEEEWWWWW!
CROW: I can just see this guy: "Oi, I'm 'ungry! I'm not supposed to eat only vegetables anymore, so I need some meat! Crikey! I know what I'll do! I'll jus' pop me 'amsters on the barby!"
JOEL: Yuck. Crow, that's enough.
unless you can trace this about-face
JOEL: (as drill sergeant) ABOUT-FACE!
(Tom does a perfect about-face... well, as good as can be expected, considering. Crow stays seated.)
JOEL: Crow, why didn't you get up?
CROW: I've got No Time For Sergeants.
to a certain sign...
JOEL: Dogs Worrying Sheep May Be Shot?
TOM: Car May Invert?
CROW: "!"?
JOEL: How did you do that?
CROW: Ancient Chinese Secret, puny hu-man.
JOEL: (grumbles)
SHINE
JOEL: AH! From nearly all lowers to ALL-CAPS!
MAKE 'EM
TOM: cast shadows!
WONDER WHAT YOU'VE GOT
CROW: Say, Joel, what's that you've got there?
JOEL: Wouldn't you like to know?
CROW: Uh... not really...
MAKE 'EM WISH
JOEL: (as Genie from Aladdin)THREE wishes to be exact!
TOM: (same) And an IX-NAY on wishing for more wishes!
THAT THEY WERE NOT
CROW: Wishing themselves out of existence...?
TOM: Yeah, like in It's a Wonderful Life!
ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING BORED
JOEL: Or at bored.com.
TOM: Heeeey, that's my start page!
SHINE
LET IT SHINE BEFORE ALL MEN
JOEL: NOT a word, Crow.
LET 'EM SEE GOOD WORKS, AND THEN
LET 'EM GLORIFY THE LORD
JOEL: Ah, I get it. They used all-lowers to indicate verses, and ALL-CAPS to indicate the chorus.
out of the shaker and onto the plate
TOM: Joel, don't humans normally salt or pepper their *food* instead of their plates?
JOEL: Are you assuming this is normal?
TOM: Point.
it isn't Karma
JOEL: This is a Christian song, so I would think that Karma wouldn't come into the equation at all.
CROW: Oh, is that what this is?
TOM: Yes. CCM stands for "Contemporary Christian Music". Also, the chorus is based on Matt. 5:16.
CROW: Oh.
it sure ain't fate
JOEL: Same as above, but with "fate" instead of "Karma".
that would make a Deadhead sell his van
CROW: Aaaaand what's wrong with vans?
JOEL: Nothing intrinsic. Just what he might have painted on it.
CROW: Oh. He'll be grateful to get rid of it, then.
(Joel groans.)
that would make a schizophrenic turn in his crayons
CROW: Annnnnnd --
JOEL: What's wrong with crayons? Well, some doctors have schizophrenics do is draw so that the doctors can see how they see the world.
CROW: So this "light" thing makes them not need to be tested. Cool.
Oprah freaks
JOEL: WHERE?!?
TOM: Umm, Joel, in this case, "freaks" is being used as a verb.
JOEL: (calms instantly) Oh.
and science seeks
JOEL: A cure for the common cold!
TOM: A better mousetrap!
CROW: A cure for Microsoft!
ALL: OoooOOOoooh...
a rationale that shall excuse this strange behavior
CROW: Howling at the moon, communicating with fax machines by whistling into the phone, and eating rocks?
JOEL: Not exactly...
when you let it shine
you will inspire
the kind of entire turnaround
that would make a bouncer
JOEL: Have a lower coefficient of restitution?
TOM: Wow, Joel, where do you know about that from?
JOEL: (shrugs) 3-2-1 Contact.
take ballet
TOM: Yeah, I can see how taking ballet would show your dedication to Christ -- HUH?!?
JOEL: I think they're trying to show a contrast between the "macho" bouncer and the "pansy" ballet dancer. Or something.
(even bouncers who aren't...
CROW: Bouncy?
happy)
but out of the glare
with nowhere to turn
you ain't gonna learn it on "What's My Line?"
JOEL: Especially since that show's been off the air for years...
CHORUS
(The music fades with the screen, the lights go up.)
JOEL: Song is OVER! Let's go!
(They exit the theater.)
(SOL Bridge. Joel and the 'bots are reclining in their sleeping bags around the campfire. Joel has the bag of RAM chips.)
JOEL: Okay, guys, I'll give you guys some more RAM chips when you tell me what you learned from the movie.
CROW: I learned that shining causes WEIRD things to happen, like bouncers turning into ballet dancers, and vegetarians to eat small pet rodents.
JOEL: Ick! Here you go. (hands Crow some chips, which he devours.)
TOM: I learned that off-the-air game shows can't help you when you're trapped.
JOEL: Okay. (gives Tom some chips.)
GYPSY: And *I* learned that tofu shrimp is nowhere near as good as RAM chips.
JOEL: (laughing) Okay, Gypsy, you can have some too. (gives Gypsy some.) Come to think of it, you may be right... (goes to try one) ...oh, Doc F is calling. (pushes the button)
(DEEP 13. Both Forrester and Frank are standing with their arms crossed, and looking almost exactly the same.)
THE MADS: So, Joel, how was the song? Nice and brain-melting?
JOEL: No, it actually wasn't quite *that* bad... uh, sirs, why are you talking in unison?
THE MADS: I finally had to copy my brain into his, as I was unable AT THIS POINT to recover Frank's brain. This is a temporary solution, of course, and one that seems not to be working so well. This is seriously ANNOYING!
JOEL: (snickering) Well, good luck with your problem, Docs... (Ozzie accent) Oi'll be 'eadin' back to me mates, now.
THE MADS: Oh, very well... just... clean up when you're done, okay?!? Push the button, Frank... I'm not Frank, you are! No, YOU ARE! Fine, I'll push the button myself! (They both push the button)
--FWOOSH!--