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If any story ever needed a preface, this is it. First of all, this is based on Mystery Science Theater 3000. The basic theory behind MST3K is that Dr. Forester (a typical mad scientist) and his sidekick, TV's Frank (typical dimwitted assistant) have trapped Joel Robinson (loveable everyday Joe) on the Satellite of Love (SOL [Sh*t Out of Luck]). As an experiment (to test the limits of human sanity), Joel and his two robot friends (Crow and Tom Servo), are forced to watch cheezy B movies. Before each experiment, Joel and Dr. Forester have an invention exchange, in which each party tries to create a new, useful, creative, or just downright silly invention. If you need an example of all this, go rent the episode 'Manos: Hands of Fate.' (Or try to, at least. Chances are good you won't be able to find anything but The Movie, and that only if you're lucky.)
Whoa! That was a mouthful. And now, the background of the spoof.
Thanks to a well placed plot contrivance, Rasputin has gotten his hands on Genie's lamp and has been awarded the usual three wishes. Since he can't wish himself back to life (Stupid rule number 3), he has wished for the next best thing: Revenge! Not revenge against Anya and company, but revenge against the corporation he blames for the mediocre performance of his movie: Disney. In what he considers poetic justice, three of Disney's top stars are trapped in a dungeon of a castle (specifically the Dungeon of Love {DOL [Disney's Out of Luck]}) and forced to read bad fan-fiction until their sanity snaps.
I'll interrupt here to explain the deal behind the MiSTed fic. One day, in a fit of extreme boredom and heat exhaustion, Bridget came up with the idea to create a person on the Paperpusher's Message Board. Her name would be Pandora, and her passion would be Charles Ruttheimer the Third, better known as Upchuck. We didn't figure that it would last very long, maybe two or three posts, before someone figured it out. But, she continued posting and no one questioned her authenticity.
We, of course, thought this was all great fun but knew that it had to end soon, so we started a web page and wrote an absolutely horrid fanfic as this character while we could (the page is Up With Chuck). She has since been revealed on both boards and all is right with the world.
This particular fic is actually the second Pandora story and, knowing my good friends, there's more on the way.
Oh, and Mrs. Potts is essentially Gypsy, and Gizmo is...an extra sidekick, I guess.
And now, back to the preface.
Make sense? Well, in any case, enjoy the story. And if the fourth wall comes down or you don't get a joke, or someone seems out of character, just repeat to yourself 'It's just a spoof.' You should really just relax. Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!
The theme song (which has had a few altercations itself) was also written by Charlie Stadele.
In a not too distant castle,
Somewhere in time and space.
A trio of Disney stars,
Were caught in a nasty place.
Trapped by a villain, who worked for Bluth,
An evil guy who really smelled uncouth.
Now his body's started to decay,
And he's come up with a way to make those heroes pay!
Rasputin: I'll send them cheesy postings!
The worst I can find! (La la la!)
They'll have to sit and read them all,
And I'll monitor their minds! (La la la!)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
Where the postings begin and end.
They'll try too keep their sanity,
Until the very end!
Disney Roll Call:
Beta-Readers (Genie and Gizmoduck: Sorry guys...)
Gaston (The bad guy!)
Tarzan (Wow, the text scrolls!)
Clopin (Now *I* need sanctuary...)
Mulaaaaaaan (No cross dressing this time.)
Now if the guys act OOC,
Or the fourth wall gets some cracks,
Just repeat to yourself 'Its just a spoof,'
You should really just relax.
And read Mystery AL Theater 3000!
TWAING!
[DOL main room. In the center of the room, a large gaming table has been set up, covered with miniature hills, trees, and an occasional medieval building. Mulan (in her usual robes) is sitting at one end of the table. Spread out in front of her are a multitude of miniature figurines, representing a vast Elven Army. Her figures are deployed at nearly full strength in battle formation. Across the table stands Clopin, wearing his jester garb and looking over his scant Human army, much of which is in complete disarray. Tarzan (who has ditched his loincloth in favor of jeans and a T-shirt) is crouching near Clopin, with his eye just above the table, getting a 'soldier's eye view.' In a pile beside Clopin lie a bunch of discarded 'dead' miniatures. Miscellaneous dice, templates, and measuring tapes are strewn over the table.]
Mulan: (As she's idly flipping through a rulebook.) Take your time guys. I'm in nooooo hurry.
Clopin: (Anxious) Well Tarz, what do you recommend?
Tarzan: Surrender. Give up now, and spare yourself any more humiliation.
Clopin: (Sarcastic) Oh, thanks for the big help.
Tarzan: (Standing up now) Seriously? Consolidate all your remaining troops behind that hill. (Tarzan points to tree-covered hill near Clopin.) Take up a defensive position and wait for Mulan's troops to come to you.
Clopin: (Still sarcastic) Sure, Tarzan, 'hide behind a bunch of trees.' That's a great tactical maneuver.
Tarzan: Can you think of anything better to do?
[Clopin thinks for a moment, then grudgingly grabs a ruler and begins moving his figures toward the hill. Tarzan looks over the battlefield.]
Tarzan: Man, Clopin, you got routed. What happened? Did you try to play with only half your army?
Clopin: (Snide) No, I did not try to fight with only half my army. I just got massacred. I even used your strategy, for all the good it did me...
Tarzan: (Curious) Which strategy?
Clopin: The one you told me about yesterday. Where I take a bunch of knights and charge straight into her archers. My knights were supposed to wipe out the archers in hand-to-hand combat, then move on to the next unit. Well it didn't work. My knights got killed before they even reached the archers.
Tarzan: (While looking through the 'dead pile.') How many knights did you take? I only see a few in here.
Clopin: Five. And all had magic armor and weapons.
[Beat.]
Tarzan: Five?! With magic armor?! You mean you put five HEROES on the table without any troops accompanying them?
Clopin: Yeah...
Tarzan: Dude, you're an idiot. You might as well have given them big signs saying 'Here I am, come and shoot me!'
Clopin: (Exasperated) But isn't that what you told me to do?!
Tarzan: No, I told you to take a unit of about TWENTY ordinary knights, with MAYBE a hero leading them, and charge the archers. A few knights would die en route, but the rest would slaughter the archers. Without any bullet-catcher in front of them, your heroes were just very expensive cannon fodder.
Clopin: (Disgusted) Well, thanks for clearing that up now...
[Clopin continues moving his miniatures. Tarzan surveys the board again.]
Tarzan: Not that it would have changed anything. You still would have been massacred.
Clopin: (Snide) And why's that?
Tarzan: (Matter-of-fact) You're playing as the French. Anything French is always going to loose a fight.
Clopin: (Defensive) No we don't! And besides, my army is not French!
Tarzan: Yes it is! Your whole army has the red, white, and blue color scheme. The French color scheme.
Clopin: Oh, come on. That doesn't make them French. Half the western world uses that color scheme!
[Beat. Mulan is now watching the argument with an amused expression on her face.]
Tarzan: (Yelling) What are you talking about?! That's the French flag right there on your standard bearer!
Clopin: (Defensive) No it's not!
Tarzan: Oh, so you put a star in the middle stripe. Big deal. Its still the French flag! You and your little cheese-sniffing soldier wannabes were doomed from the very beginning!
Clopin: (Challenging) Oh yeah? Big talk from a spectator! Think you can back it up on the table?
Tarzan: (Challenging) You bet I can!
[Tarzan ducks under the table and pulls out a tackle box. He opens the box and begins pulling out Centaur and Minitaur miniatures and placing them on the table. Clopin, meanwhile, has begun taking models out of the 'dead pile' and reforming his original army.]
Mulan: (Casual) So, Clopin, can I assume this is another forfeit?
Tarzan: (Challenging) You're going down, Frenchie!
Clopin: (Challenging) To you and your flea infested mongrels? I don't think so!
Mulan: I'll take that as a yes. (Mulan picks up a notepad and makes a few marks on it.) Heh, heh. Twenty-four and one. Even Shang would be proud of that record.
[The Bells of Notre Dame start ringing.]
Mulan: Can it guys. The Horned King is calling.
[Still glaring at each other, Tarzan and Clopin reluctantly put down their miniatures and leave the table. All head over to 'the desk,' where a yellow light is flashing. Mulan hits the light. Cut to Tower 13. Rasputin and Disney's Gaston are standing in the foreground. In the background, Genie and Gizmoduck are setting up some projection equipment.]
Rasputin: Well, if it isn't Heuy, Louis, and the News... I trust that the three of you finished your Sidekick Exchange before you started your little games.
[DOL.]
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
Mulan: (While holding up a poster) You bet!
Clopin: Have we ever not been ready?
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Good. Would you like to go first, or shall we?
[DOL.]
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
Mulan: I think we'll let you go.
Tarzan: (Confused) 'Heuy, Louis, and the News?'
Clopin: (To Tarzan) Knock it off.
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Very well. Try not to stare directly at the sidekick, or the sheer brilliance of it may blind you.
Gaston: (To the Beta-Readers) Okay, boys, roll 'em!
[Rasputin and Gaston step off-screen as the lights go down. Gizmoduck turns on a slide projector and focuses on a screen at the back of the room. Genie appears next to the screen, wearing a suit and jacket. There is a *click* and the face of a man appears on the screen.]
Genie: (Gruff) This, is the sidekick, Biff.
[Slide changes to a full-body shot of Biff. Biff is an overly muscled young man with slicked back brown hair. Biff is wearing a typical medieval soldier uniform.]
Genie: (Gruff) Biff is a jock.
[Slide changes to a group shot of Biff and a bunch of similarly dressed people. Next to Biff is a somewhat scrawny, younger soldier.]
Genie: (Gruff) Biff is also in the army. Along with many other people. Next to Biff is Mark, the hero.
[Slide changes to Biff and Mark running like heck during the night.]
Genie: (Gruff) The story begins when Biff dares Mark to do something really stupid. Trouble ensues.
[A series of slides are shown of Mark and Biff during various stages of the story.]
Genie: (Gruff) Mark and Biff survive a series of encounters with the villain and his henchmen. The adventures reveal Mark's hidden strengths and help him finally find fulfillment and self-worth. Biff continues to revel in his own jockness. Along the way, they meet up with...
[Slide changes to a generic 'hot babe.']
Genie: (Gruff) Princess Reanna, who falls in love with Mark, and helps him on his journey of self discovery. In the end...
[Slide changes to an exterior shot of someone falling off a tower.]
Genie: (Gruff) The villain is defeated.
[Slide changes to Mark and Reanna kissing.]
Genie: (Gruff) Mark is married to Reanna, making him the new king of the local kingdom. They both live happily ever after.
[Slide changes to Biff, now dressed in a highly embroidered soldier costume. He is flanked by two Bimbettes, one on each arm.]
Genie: (Gruff) And Biff is promoted to Captain of the Guard, where he, and his girls, continue to revel in his jockness. He also lives happily ever after.
[Lights go back up. Gizmoduck walks up to the screen and he and Genie congratulate each other on the presentation. Gaston and Rasputin walk back onscreen.]
Rasputin: (Awed) That... Was so... Brilliant! The Oscar for best supporting actor is practically ours.
Gaston: So guys, what'cha think?
[DOL.]
Mulan: That was awful!
Clopin: For once, I agree with Mulan. That was the worst sidekick I've ever seen. There isn't one likable thing about him.
Tarzan: Without a doubt, that was the lamest sidekick I've ever seen.
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: (Sour) Oh really? And what did you come up with, Disno-philes? Another wisecracking talking animal?
[DOL.]
Tarzan: Of course not. We use those for the Hero, nowadays. (Mulan elbows Tarzan in the gut.) Ow! What was that for?
Mulan: (Quiet, to Tarzan) Silence, twit.
Clopin: (Oblivious to the other two) Close, but not quite. Our sidekick is of a supernatural nature. Much like your green demons, actually.
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: (Intrigued) Really?
[DOL.]
Clopin: Yup. Mulan, if you would...
[Mulan holds up a poster with a picture of green and purple sprite.]
Clopin: Our sidekick is a sprite. A mean-spirited sprite who hangs out with the villain, and does some of his bidding.
Mulan: Our sidekick's gimmick is that he's the living embodiment of insipidity, and is one of the original spirits released from Pandora's box.
Tarzan: He's a very uppity, rude character, and throws a fit whenever someone mispronounces his attitude, which happens on a fairly regular basis.
[Tower 13.]
Gaston: Hmm. Not bad. Not good either, but not bad.
Rasputin: Indeed. But enough about the sidekick exchange. Today, you will--
[DOL.]
Clopin: Hold up, Raspy, I think I can take it from here. (As Rasputin) Today, you will have the honor of screening Fox's most recent animated masterpiece, the wondrous sci-fi epic: Titan AE. (Normal) ...Again.
Mulan: (resigned) Well, we've already seen it eight times. One more time isn't going to hurt much.
Tarzan: Besides, the fight scene ROCKED!
[Clopin and Mulan give Tarzan the evil eye.]
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Well, I'm glad you liked it, Ape Man. But I'm afraid you aren't watching Titan today.
Gaston: Y'know boss, it's kind of ironic how their sidekick came from Pandora's box...
[DOL. All three are exchanging horrified glances]
Clopin: (wide-eyed) You don't think... It couldn't be...
Tarzan: (bashing head into wall) No...No...No...
Mulan: (wringing hands) Oh, my. Oh my.
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: (laughing evilly) I have finally found it! There is NO WAY you can survive this one!
[DOL. The three are whimpering pathetically.]
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Now, prepare for Death By Fandora. And make sure you have a Motion Discomfort Bag within reach. I don't want any chunks blown all over my nice theater seats.
[DOL. The trio stands there in shock for a moment.]
Clopin: (sounding rather unsure) You'll never break us. We made it through that Pokémon shipper fic last week...
Tarzan: Well, more or less. Mrs. Potts is still recuperating from Mulan's little outburst...
Mulan: I'm SORRY, okay?! I didn't know she was there!
Clopin: (ignoring this point) ...and we'll make it through this!
[Tower 13.]
Rasputin: Well, you can try. But I doubt you would be so optimistic if you knew what was in store. (cackles) Gaston! Send the fic!
Gaston: Yes sir!
[Gaston obediently presses the button.]
Rasputin: Now, get in there! [laughs evily]
[DOL. The Bells of Notre Dame start up.]
Tarzan: We've got Pandora Sign!!
Clopin: (while frantically passing out barf bags) Aaaahhh!
Mulan: (taking the bag and looking pained) You know, this is becoming a bit tedious.
[Theater. All Enter and take their normal seats, stowing their airsickness bags within easy reach.]
Mulan: A Pandora fic... Ancestors, what did I do to deserve this?
Clopin: (ticking off his fingers) Weeeeell...there was the time that you set fire to the matchmaker, then you dishonored your family, then you...
Mulan: Can it, Ye of Little Taste.
Clopin: Symbion
Tarzan: Oh-ho-ho. Just rub it in, why don't you?
>The dome was huge and orange, contrasting sharply with the red-orange of the surrounding landscape.
Tarzan: Red-orange and orange contrast sharply?
Mulan: (As author) Well, maybe not so sharply, but you get the idea.
>Pandora and Charles, dressed in the most stylish of spacesuits,
Clopin: Hopefully, helmets have gone out of style on Mars.
>held each other fearfully in front of it.
>"Charles, darling," Pandora said, fear showing in her voice, "What is
that?"
Tarzan: (As Charles) It's the plot. Ignore it, maybe it will go away.
>"I don't know, but whatever it is, I don't think it's a natural geographic feature,
Clopin: (Sarcastic) What do you mean Charles? How could a huge orange dome not be natural?
Mulan: We're not even 15 lines into this, and Upchuck's vocabulary is already starting to annoy me.
Tarzan: 'Natural geographic feature?' Is that anything like a National Geographic feature?
>sweet baby," Charles replied. You could see fear in his voice
Mulan: Is she going for symbolism here or something?
>too, as well.
Tarzan: (as author) ...also, in addition to, likewise.
>As the pair looked on in fear,
Clopin: (As author) Neo Sapien E-Frames rushed out of the dome and opened fire on them.
Mulan: Clopin, isn't it a bit early to start killing off the 'heroes?'
Clopin: It's never too early to kill Upchuck.
>the dome suddenly levitated approximately 30 feet (10 m)
Mulan: Pandora is considerate to our neighbors across the pond.
Clopin: Hey! Some of us needed that!
Tarzan: Actually, 30 feet is closer to 9.144 meters.
>as if inviting
Clopin: How does levitation constitute an invitation?
>the fear-stricken couple to come inside, where glittering neon-colored bulidings
Tarzan: Hey Pandora, most computers come with a spell-checker. Try using it.
>rose into the sky.
Mulan: So, they walked into a Martian version Las Vegas?
>"Wow, we must have tripped a laser or something, baby," Charles told his lover.
Clopin: (As Charles, stoned) ...Or maybe we're just trippin'.
>Just then, a most beautiful woman stepped out from under the dome's shadow.
Tarzan: Jane Porter?
Clopin: Esmerelda?
Tarzan: Akima?
Clopin: Jessica Rabbit?
Tarzan: Mary Jane Watson?
Clopin: Belle?
Mulan: Me?
[Beat.]
Clopin: Um, probably not.
Mulan: Quit stomping on my dreams, Frenchy.
>The woman was tall and statuesque, with a full, curvy body and a narrow waist.
Tarzan: ::Whistles::
Clopin: (Suave) Very nice...
Mulan: (Disgusted) Can't be any narrower than Meg's though. Anorexic bimbette...
>She had dark forest green hair, pearly skin, and large, strangly colored aquamarine eyes.
Mulan: Tarzan, I just have to ask: Is Daria anime?
Tarzan. No... Just a very stylized American show. But not that stylized...
> Her lips were full, and they were strikingly blood-red against the pale, flawless skin.
Mulan: (Deadpan) Gee, why am I not surprised.
>She wore an outfit strangely reminiscent of old days on Earth, perhaps the 1800s,
Mulan: (As author) ...Or perhaps the 1300's. I'm really not sure.
Clopin: Hey, the 1800's. This is your time, Tarzan.
Tarzan: No! Pandora, you've already butchered my favorite show! Please don't butcher my time period!
>but modernized.
Clopin: (While looking at Tarzan) So basically, she's wearing a spandex loincloth...
Tarzan: Shut up!
>Her brocade skirt was pale blue with red brocading and her top was of the same pale blue material. Her high platform sandals
Mulan: Platform sandals?! Girl, get some fashion sense.
>were see-through plastic in pale blue and red.
Mulan: See-through plastic platform sandals... I think I'm going to puke.
Clopin: (Condescending) That's why I gave you an air-sickness bag...
>She wore an odd headress
Tarzan: Head-ress? What's a head-ress? Or does that say "hea-dress"?
>and necklace, both in the same colors as her dress.
Tarzan: Well, at least she's color coordinated.
Mulan: Unlike our little French friend, with his amazing, technicolor dream tights.
Clopin: You're just jealous because I look good in this, and you'd just look stupid...
>All in all, the whole outfit was mostly in the colors of pale blue and red.
Tarzan: (As Wayne) NO WAAAY!
>"Hello," she said in a voice as smooth as honey. "I am Princess Livedevol-Naitram.
Clopin: ::gasp:: It's Martian Lovedevil spelled backwards! Pandora has gotten cleverer since the last we saw her!!
Mulan: (playing along) Clopin! You're ruining the surprise!
> You, I have no doubt,
Tarzan: (singing) Sorry, I’m not home right now, I’m walkin’ in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I’ll call you back.
>are the new ruler of Earth - or shall I say Chucktopia -
Clopin: Please, don't.
>and his consort. Welcome to Marsbase, Charels
Mulan: Certainly she didn't...
Tarzan: ::gasp:: She misspelled her darling's name!
>and.
Tarzan: (scolding) Never end a sentence with “and”! Didn't you learn anything in English?
Clopin and Mulan: No.
Clopin: Why? Does anyone?
>Pandora.
>The princess smiled briefly,
Clopin: Before remembering she still had braces and looked really stupid.
>revealing teeth of the palest blue.
Tarzan: (as Livedevol-Naitram's mother) How many times do I have to tell you? Don't put on lipstick while driving!
>Pandora couldn't say for sure, but she thought that maybe, just perhaps, they were.pointed. Pandora didn't like the way that the >princess looked at her
Mulan: Then you're going to hate the way I'm looking at you, Pan-dork-a.
Clopin: (Under his breath) And she gets on my case for being rude...
>or the way she said her name.
Mulan: ...Or the way she misspelled Charles' name.
>And she certainly didn't like the possibility of her having pointed like a bat.
Clopin: And just how, precisely, would one go about pointing like a bat?
>Pandora hated bats, even though she knew that most of them ate fruit, not the flesh of humans.
Tarzan: Actually, most of them eat bugs.
>But then she looked at her eyes.
>"Äquamarine," she thought to herself, "the color of Christ.
Tarzan: It is?
Mulan: Frenchy? You've lived around churches, can you confirm that?
Clopin: Um, actually, that sort of thing never came up...
>She can't be that bad.
Mulan: Uh, yes she can. And probably is.
Tarzan: Quotation marks! Quotation marks, people!
>"Come," said the princess,
Mulan: (Warning) Clopin, not one word.
Clopin: (Indignant) Do you really think I'd say something that tasteless?
Mulan: (Blunt) Yes.
Tarzan: She's got you there, pal.
>walking over to Charles and taking his arm. "I must show you the city."
Tarzan: Um, has anyone else noticed that this whole story revolves around having a city on Mars? And that it appears to be inhabited by humans? And that this is supposed to be in the Daria continuum?
Mulan: Yes, but it really hurts to think about such things.
>As she led Charles away,
Clopin: (As author) ...Towards the guillotine...
>the princess moved closer to him so that their bodies were touching in some places like their hips,
Clopin: (As author) ...Hands, arms, chests, mouths, tongues...
Mulan: (Disgusted) I did not need that mental image, Frenchy.
>but not in their waists because they both has pretty narrow waists,
Clopin: (as author, hick accent) Ah ain't nevuh seed two naruh-er waists in awl uh mah liahf!
>except Charles' was muscular and narrow,
Tarzan: Pandora, have you ever actually watched Daria? Upchuck is skinny as a twig! There is no muscle in him!
>but the princess's was just narrow.
Mulan: (Grumbling) Anorexic, waif...
>Pandora didn't like that either, so she quickly followed her lover and the woman who was now competition for her into the dome,
Tarzan: Competition for her into the dome? What the hell is an "into the dome"?
Clopin: And since when did this turn into a sporting event?
>which closed when she was only a few inches inside. This did not help to ease her feeling that something was very, very wrong >with this strange place called Marsbase.
Tarzan: What exactly is it a base of? Is there a military on Mars?
>* * *
Clopin: Three stars? I think that's being a bit too generous.
Mulan: Clopin, this is going to be bad enough without you making fun of the dividers...
>Charles was not sure what had taken over his brain,
Tarzan: Well, duh! It was a Yeerk!
Mulan: A what?!
Tarzan: A Yeerk. They crawl into your ear and take over your mind.
Mulan: Dear, have you been watching Snick again?
Tarzan: (embarrassed) Um...no. No, I haven't.
>but he was sure that something had.
Clopin: But...how do you take over a non-existent brain?
>He now reflected that he could not even remember who Pandora was.
Tarzan: Now, that was a well thought out sentence.
>In fact, the only thing he could concentrate on was the princess: her beauty, her smell,
Mulan: No comment.
>and her presence. She smelled like coconuts and oranges, both at the same time,
Tarzan: (As author) ... In conjunction, simultaneously, concurrently...
>though he thought that she might smell a little more like cocnuts than oranges, and it might have been lemons not oranges, after >all, but he wasn't sure.
Mulan: Pandora seems pretty indecisive in her writing, doesn't she?
Tarzan: (Awed) Wow... That sentence was almost 4o words long...
>In any case, he thought he was in love, so her leaned down and
Tarzan: (as author) ...her bited he neck!
>purred gently in her ear.
All: Huh?
Mulan: How can she purr in her own ear?
>She smiled at him and squeezed his arm.
Tarzan: (As author) ...Applying a devastating hammerlock that broke his arm in seconds!
>"Oh, you're a sexy one, aren't you?"
All: (decisively) No!
>she returned.
Clopin: (as author) ...to her usual vegetable state.
>* * *
Clopin: Star light, star bright, third star I've seen tonight...
Mulan: Stop it.
>They were led to a beautiful stainless steel palace
Clopin: For some reason, stainless steel doesn't strike me as a material used for palaces.
Mulan: Maybe they just couldn't afford anything better...
>with windows and doors made of huge rubies
Mulan: ...Or maybe they blew their wad on the ruby doors...
>where they were served
Clopin: (as author) ...To an enormous, mutant star goat!
Tarzan: (thoroughly impressed) Cool! How'd you come up with that one?!
Mulan: (bluntly) He didn't.
>an elegant feast.
>Apparently, the princess was having a party, because there were a lot of people there,
too.
Tarzan: (Exasperated) On Mars?! Will Pandora please explain what PEOPLE are doing on MARS?!
Mulan: Relax, Tarzan. She probably just means lots of Martians.
Tarzan: (Exasperated) Then would Pandora please explain why the Martians are welcoming Upchuck into their inner sanctum after he just CONQUERED EARTH?!
Mulan: (sighs)
>After dinner, there was a lot of festivity and dancing,
Clopin: (as author) ...and drinking and promiscuous behavior...
>and everyone was having so much fun that they never noticed a beautiful girl with long strawberry blonde
Tarzan: (Exasperated) Strawberries are RED! Not blond, RED!
Mulan: Calm down Tarzan...
>hair being led away through a hidden door in the room by two evil-looking guards.
Tarzan: Nobody noticed? Not even the guards? And what about Pandora?
Mulan: Well, I can see how Pandora would miss something like that.
Clopin: Just once, I'd like to see a couple of happy, care-free guards in a story...
>* * *
[Clopin's puppet appears in the seat next to Clopin and begins singing.]
Puppet: When you wish upon three stars...
Mulan: (Growling) One more divider joke, and I'm going to sharpen my katana on your ribs, Frenchy.
[Clopin sullenly puts his puppet down.]
>Octavia Ruttheimer
Clopin: Ooh, 'Octavia.' The Martians gave Charles eight arms and a sex change!
Mulan: (Disgusted) Clopin...
>adjusted her black rectangular framed glasses and pushed strands of her short, curly orange hair
Mulan: (Exasperated) Enough with the bizarre hair colors! I want a character with normal hair! NORMAL HAIR!
Tarzan: (singing) Normal hair. Nor-MAL HAIR. NORMAL HAIR. NOOOORMAAAAL HAAAAAIR!
Clopin: (Amused) This fic is really getting to you two, isn't it?
Mulan: (Angry) Shut up, Frenchy!
>out of her eyes as she sat typing in her room. She could well remember that time just a few yearss
Clopin: (As announcer) Pandora: Human or snake? We'll find out on 'World's Scariest Fanfic Authors.' Next, on Fox.
>ago when she had gone to be a counselor at a summer camp
Clopin: Camp Onawana?
[Beat.]
Tarzan: (Puzzled) Well, that was obscure...
Mulan: (Equally puzzled) And completely unrelated to anything mentioned so far... Well, I assume it isn't...
>for three weeks. When the three weeks were over, all of the other counselors, as well as the kids, were
Mulan: (As author) ...Rushed to the nearest hospital for treatment after a bad case of anthrax broke out.
>picked up by relatives. Octavia wasn't.
Mulan: (As Author) ...And thus, poor Octavia died.
Clopin: (Amused) Mulan just killed off one of the characters... Cool! She's snapped!
Mulan: Oh, be quiet.
>She had at first thought that it was a misunderstanding, that surely in a few hours, days at the longest, her family would pick her >up and apologize.
Tarzan: HA! Misunderstanding, my a—
Mulan: Tarzan…
>But it didn't take now 20-year-old Octavia long to figure out that her family had, in fact, forgotten her - she was smart in that way.
Mulan: Oh come on! Even Gaston is smart in THAT way.
>She soon adapted to her new life in the wilderness,
Tarzan: (Proud) Hail, fellow Outdoorsman!
>living some off the land and mostly off the camp's cafeteria food that they left there year after year.
Tarzan: Eeeww!
Clopin: I wonder if that causes some sort of mutation?
Mulan: Oh, it couldn't have been too bad. ...Unless the Chinese army donated some of their travel rations to the camp...
>But then, a month prior to now, the Martians had beamed her up
Tarzan: Beam me up, Scottie!
>to their planet.
Clopin: (As random Martian) Hey, screw all this flying saucers garbage, we've got planet-to-planet teleportation now!
>She had been walking in the woods, trying to find some edible tree bark to supplement her diet of cafeteria food
Tarzan: Yeah, finding edible tree bark takes a lot of time. Most of it’s full of dirt and bugs and stuff...
Clopin: That's just disgusting...
Mulan: As if a snail eater like you has any room to talk...
Clopin: Bite me, Ms. Rice-a-Roni!
>when a strange green light enveloped her. She knew enough about alien abductions not to struggle or fight the green beam,
Clopin: (As author) ...Or the dozen or so anal probes...
Tarzan: Ew...
>and she was soon standing in what she now called home - the mysterious city called Marsbase.
Tarzan: 'Mysterious' being the operative word, since Pandora still hasn't explained JUST WHAT THE HECK A CITY IS DOING ON MARS AND WHY ITS CALLED A 'BASE!'
Clopin: (Amused) Cool, Tarzan's snapped too. I'm the only sane guy in the theater. Heh, heh...
>After she got there, it was explained to her that the Martians had long been analyzing the DNA of all of the human-like creatures in >the solar system
Tarzan: Just how many 'human-like creatures' ARE there in this solar system anyway?
>in hopes that they would find the perfect male. Octavia was the closest that they had found so far,
Tarzan: Wait a minute! This Ruttheimer chick is the closest thing to the perfect male...?!
Clopin: Obviously, they weren't looking hard enough.
>and she was not male, but they beamed her up anyway.
Clopin: (As random Martian) Damn! We picked up another woman. The boss still hasn't forgiven me for that Ping incident a few years ago...
Mulan: Oh, shut up.
>She had a good life here on Marsbase, after all, she had everything she wanted:
Mulan: (as author) …fame…
Tarzan: (as author) …fortune…
Clopin: (as author) …festivities…
Tarzan: (as author) …sex…
Clopin: (as author) …drugs…
Mulan: (as author) …rock and roll…
Tarzan: (as author) …Artie the Skinless Wonder…
Clopin and Mulan: What?!
Tarzan: Never mind.
>a typewriter, plenty of her favorite white capri pants and red polka dotted shirts (although she did have to craft her own red and >white platform boots
Mulan: This fic is turning into a fashion show. A bad one, at that.
>using paint in the colors,
Clopin: ...Of the wind?
Tarzan: I've never quite understood how that was done...
>an old pair of galoshes, and some wooden platform-shaped blocks), all of the fiber bars she could eat, and.Elvis.
[All burst out laughing at this absurdity.]
>Octavia had always been absolutelt
Mulan: Is that French?
Clopin: (indignant) Absolutely not!
Tarzan: (ignoring him) Sounds more German to me.
Mulan: (also ignoring him) Point taken. Any idea what it means?
Tarzan: Nada.
> fascinated with Elvis Presley, and,
Clopin: (As author) ...His enormously fat gut.
>whenever she visited her grandmother at whatever town he used to live in, she would spend the entire time outside the gates of >Graceland,
Mulan: Presumably then, her grandmother lived in Graceland.
>waiting for him to come home.
Tarzan: (Elated) Who-HOO! That sentence hit the 40-word mark!
Clopin: (Equally elated) All Right!
[Tarzan and Clopin high-five.]
Mulan: (Confused) And, how is that a good thing?
Tarzan: Ah, who cares? It’s something to celebrate!
>When someone finally explained to her that he was dead, she had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized from the time >she was seven to when she was eighteen.
[Clopin points and laughs at Octavia's suffering.]
Mulan: Clopin, try to show a little compassion...
>When she was released. She went straight to the ill-fated summer camp.
Tarzan: (Depressed) This isn't a Daria fanfic, this is a Sick-Sad-World fanfic...
>Thus, the only memories she had of her little brother Charles were
Clopin: (As author) ...Of him crying after he wet his bed. [beat] ...Uh, Mulan?
Mulan: If you're waiting for me to argue with that, you're going to be waiting a long time.
>clouded by her period of insanity, and his were limited because of his young age (only 4) when she was taken away.
Tarzan: So the integrity of Upchuck's memories are dependent of his sisters presence?
Mulan: I think the author was trying to say that Charles doesn't remember his sister.
Tarzan: Oh...
>And when she was beamed up, the first question she asked was, of course, if they had Elvis here,
Mulan: (as author) "Yes, in fact we do," they informed her, seconds before removing her brain and replacing it with grape Kool-Aid.
Clopin: (As author) Then came the anal probes.
Tarzan: Eeewww...
>for she knew he wasn't really dead.
Clopin: (as author) He was just kind of deceased.
>It turned out that they did, in fact, have him at Marsbase. You see, the Martians had been looking for the perfect male for awhile >now
Mulan: (under breath) What lead them here?
>and when they heard of "the King" from Earth, thet decided there was a pretty good chance that he was it.
[OHs are again laughing.]
>So, they went down to Earth, staged his death, and beamed him up.
Clopin: Considering how Elvis 'died,' I'd say the Martians have a really sick sense of humor.
>However, they found that his body wasn't in a very youthful state, so they made him young, handsome, and svelte
Mulan: Have either of you two ever heard that word outside of this girl's fics?
Clopin: I'm thinking she made it up.
Tarzan: Excuse me! I believe I said it last time.
Clopin: Okay, I apologize. You made it up.
>again and instilled in him a love of heathfulness
Tarzan: Mmmm...Heath...
>and healthy food so he wouldn't get fat again. But, after all their trouble, they dissapointedly discovered that he was only the >second most perfect male.
Clopin: ::snort:: We all knew that!
Tarzan: (beaming) Yeah! I'm the perfect male!
Clopin: Sorry, Jungle Boy, but that title belongs to Yours Truly.
Tarzan: In your dreams!
Clopin: (heavy sarcasm) Ooh! Good comeback!
Mulan: Okay, guys. Break it up. We'll do something about this in a minute.
>But they kept him on Marsbase because he liked it there and his singing was very entertaining,
Tarzan: (whispering) I'm cuter.
>so when Octavia arrived, she beacame his girlfriend.
Mulan: (Bitter) Of course she did. ...Stroppy nymph...
>Just then, Elvis walked into the room.
Mulan: (As announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has entered the building.
[All cheer loudly]
>"Hello, my Lovely Lady Lucky Eight!" he greeted he as he always did, and kissed her.
Clopin: (also whispering) I am!
>"Hi, Elvis darling. How's the new song going?"
Mulan: (As Elvis) Not good. 'Blue Suede Platform Shoes' just doesn't have a good ring to it.
Tarzan: Mulan, can we leave yet?
Mulan: After the next break.
>* * *
Tarzan: Lets move, people!
Mulan: Well, that was quick...
(1) [2] {3} < 4 > *5* ~6~
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