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Make sense? Well, in any case, enjoy the story. And if the fourth wall comes down or you don't get a joke, or someone seems out of character, just repeat to yourself 'It's just a spoof.' You should really just relax. Now, ON WITH THE SHOW!

The theme song was also written by Charlie Stadele.

In a not too distant castle,
Somewhere in time and space.
A trio of Disney stars,
Where caught in a nasty place.
Trapped by a villain who worked for Bluth,
An evil guy who really smelled uncouth.
Since his body's started to decay,
He's come up with a way to make those heroes pay!

Rasputin: I'll send them cheezy fanfics!
The worst I can find! (La la la!)
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll monitor their minds! (La la la!)

Now keep in mind they can't control,
Where the fanfics begin and end.
They'll try to keep their sanity,
Until the very end!

Disney Roll Call:
Genie (Sorry guys...)
Gaston (The bad guy!)
Mrs. Potts (Fine dining can't cure this kind of stress, dear.)
Gizmoduck (The cad!)
Tarzan (Wow, the text scrolls!)
Clopin (Now I need sanctuary...)
Mulaaaaaaan (No crossdressing this time.)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'It's just a spoof,'
You should really just relax.
And read Mystery AL Theater 3000!
TWAING!

< Open in DOL's main room. It is early afternoon. Mulan is trying to read a newspaper, but is obviously having some trouble, as Tarzan is watching Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" on MTV on extremely high volume and thrashing the hell out of a non-existent drum kit >
Tarzan: (thrashing around, singing) ...It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up...
< Mulan glares at him and resumes trying to read >
< Enter Clopin. He's quite groggy, but very irritated >
Clopin: (sounding much like a drowsy DeMartino) I thought that since I didn't get any sleep last night due to Jungle Boy's recent obsession with MAKING AS MUCH NOISE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, I would take a nap. But nooo, he insists on CONTINUING the trend! Now either you shut up or I'll "Break Stuff", too. YOUR NECK!
Mulan: Clopin, I understand where you're coming from, but could you keep it down? And quit threatening him. There's no telling how long we'll be stuck here, so let's at least make it as pleasant as possible.
Tarzan: I'm getting sick of your "let's all get along" attitude. Why don't you just...
Clopin: (cutting Tarzan off and pointing to a flashing button) Shhh! Rasputin! < he hits the button > Why good morning, sir. You're looking especially lively today.

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin: (a bit skeptical, but perfectly willing to be complimented) Well thank you, Clopin. Do you really think so?
< Genie looks really confused; Gaston is in the background brushing his hair >

< DOL >
Tarzan: (catching on) Definitely! And have you been using a different styling product? Your hair is so shiny and bouncy!

< Tower 13 >
< Rasputin begins smoothing his hair and looking pleased; Genie realizes what's going on and tries to stifle a laugh; Gaston is still primping >

< DOL >
Clopin: How about your skin? It's really looking less and less grey by the day. Are you using facial toner?

< Tower 13 >
< Rasputin's still buying it. He receives several more compliments and is looking quite tickled >

< DOL >
Mulan: And your beard is so...twisted...

< Tower 13 >
< Genie begins frantically making the "cut" sign and waving his hands in the air >
Rasputin: Why thank you. I...< a look of clarity comes over his face. Angry clarity. >...Hey! You're stalling! Quit that! We need to get to the invention exchange, anyway.

< DOL >
Clopin: (to Rasputin) You first. (to Mulan; under his breath and sarcastic) Good going.
< Mulan looks annoyed >

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin: Very well. As you know, this project was based on the theory that CGI should not be combined with traditional animation, as has been the trend in recent years. We had to support this theory by finding the worst piece of CGI we could and including it in an animated movie of our choice. Our addition is none other than the flood of deadly CGI from a rather deep and meaningful Disney movie to another well-known film from the same company. Gizmoduck, play the clip! < beat > No, you idiot, I didn't want a cheese grater! Play the film!

< the scene from "Robin Hood" where the guards are running in the tent begins>
< the tent takes off >
Little John: Who's driving this flying umbrella?
Lady Cluck: (who is now obviously voiced by Genie and sounds rather like she was recorded in a vacuum) No one! It's an evil force created in hell!
< a shot from behind the tent reveals that it is being pushed along by the flood of molten CGI stone or metal or whatever it was from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. People look on fearfully, then scatter. Frollo can be seen falling from the top of the tent, screaming all the way down >
Little John: (now haltingly voiced by Gaston; same vacuum sound) Oh...my...god...(quietly, to the side) What's next, again, boss?
Rasputin: (quiet, but sounding really mad) 'You're right', you imbecile!
Gaston: (quietly) Oh, yeah! Sorry. (loud again) You...are...right...you...imbecile...
< Rasputin growls quietly at Gaston >
< the tent tramples Trigger, the alligator, and Sheriff >
< Everything bashes into a pillar and the CGI swiftly seeps into the ground. The onlookers cheer >
< End clip >

< DOL >
Clopin: Hey! That was a cheap shot!
Tarzan: (laughing a little; aside to Clopin) He's right, you know. That stuff did look pretty bad to begin with.
Clopin: Oh, you should talk! How about your tree surfing, eh?
Mulan: (warning; trying to break them up) Guys...
Tarzan: What about my tree surfing?
Mulan: (a little louder) Guys.
Clopin: It was positively nauseating!
Tarzan: No way, man! That was totally cool! The only thing nauseating around here is < does the finger point/push thing > your singing.
Mulan: (louder still) Guys!
Clopin: (through clenched teeth) Why I oughtta...
Tarzan: (thumping his chest) You want some of this? Huh? Come on!
Mulan: (shouting) GUYS!
< Tarzan has Clopin by the collar, holding him about a foot off the ground. His fist is up, as if he was preparing to punch him, and Clopin is frantically searching his pockets for a smoke bomb-thing. They both look at her innocently >
Mulan: You're acting like thirteen-year-olds!
< Tarzan sets Clopin down >
Tarzan: Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.
Clopin: Yeah, me, too.
< Clopin extends his hand. Tarzan reaches out to shake it, but Clopin pulls away. Tarzan looks confused>
Mulan: (stern) Clopin...
< Clopin sighs and shakes Tarzan's hand >
Mulan: (seeming satisfied) Now, for our project, we replaced the villain of a once popular Fox film with a very memorable character from a more recent one.
< The "Toxic Love" sequence of "Fern Gully" commences, but instead of Hexxus, it is the stone horse from "Anastasia" singing, retaining Tim Curry's voice >

< Skeleton horse rises out of slimy, mushy goo >
Horse: Hit me one time,
< One hoof flies out and bangs on a pipe >
Hit me twice
< Bangs the other hoof on another pipe so that it's kind of braced between the two, then rises making whinnying noises and comes through a brownish cloud. Suddenly it is covered with living, breathing CGI!>
That's rather nice

Oil and grime, poison sludge
< Stretches out hoof and flings sludge at a pipe >
Diesel clouds and noxious muck
< Inhales gases, starts drooling, and explodes, though his voice is still singing >
Slime beneath me, ooh
< Rasputin's minions flying through pipes >
Slime up above
< Minions continue flying >
Ooh, you'll love my...< whinnies for three beats >...toxic looove
< The minions, which are now flying through a grate, suddenly start eating each other in succession. When there's only one left, the horse bursts through the grate, eats the remaining minion, and burps up a bubble >

I see the world
< Forms an image of the world with its hoof >
And all the creatures in it
< World turns into a lot of swirling-around pictures of the heroes and sidekicks from "Anastasia" >
I suck 'em dry
< Horse makes a sucking motion with its lips and the characters spiral away >
And spit 'em out like spinach
< Spits them back out and they drip away into brown goo >
'Cause greedy human beings
< A picture of Rasputin is in the background. In the foreground are palm trees composed of stacks of coins >
Will always lend a hand
< Rasputin's hand "walks" onscreen a la Thing from "The Addams Family" >
In the destruction of this
< The hand dances around the screen a bit >
Worthless jungle land
< Horse and hand knock over trees and coins fly at the screen >
And what a beautiful machine
< Minions slither through multicolored gears >
They have provided
< Minions continue slithering >
To slice a path of doom
< Horse slices screen with a chainsaw, which it holds in its mouth >
With my sweet breath to guide it
< Horse strikes match and blows it toward a pile of wood. The wood bursts into flames and the horse rears out of the fire >

Filthy brown acid rain
< Brown goo rains down past the horse's face >
Pouring down like egg chow mein
< Horse slides down the screen, followed by raining noodles >
Slime beneath me, ooh
< Horse rears out of a giant pile of noodles >
Slime up above
< Horse jumps that kind of really fake jump, which leaves it suspended in midair by the logging machine's oil filter, and dances (in midair) in front of the thing for a while. Finally it goes inside and makes "menacing" faces in the window >
Ooh, you'll love my...< whinnies for three beats >...toxic looove
< The horse stops singing and jumps out of the vehicle, whinnying evilly all the while. >
< End clip >

< Tower 13 >
< Genie and Gaston are snickering; Rasputin just stands there fuming for a while, but finally calms down enough to speak >
Rasputin: (totally pissed) I was going to let you off easy with just a B-rated fanfic, but you had to go and do something like (disgusted) that! You've insulted my movie, you've insulted my magic, and you've insulted me! (to someone off screen) Come here, you worthless piece of scrap metal! < pulls Gizmoduck onscreen > Change the fic! "Changes for Jodie" just will not do! I want the worst you've got!
Genie: (horrified) Worse than "Changes for Jodie"?! You can't be serious!
Rasputin: (grinning evily) Oh, but I am. Now, you glorified can-opener, GET THE FIC!
Gizmoduck: (slipping into his Fenton Crackshell voice, though slightly more whiny) I'm sick of this! You always push me around! < pulls away from Rasputin > It's always "Robot, do this," and "Robot, do that," and "Get me my eye, you worthless tin can!" I just can't take this any more! < Gizmo sort of shudders, then looks and sounds as depressed as is possible for him > Do you call that job satisfaction? 'Cause I sure don't. God, I'm so depressed.
Rasputin: (slightly annoyed) Gaston, take him and deal with him. < waves Gaston away >
< Gaston grabs Gizmo and hauls him off screen. Soon a bit of struggling can be heard >
Rasputin: (to DOL) Well, as soon as my faithful henchman takes care of this little problem, prepare to bow to me as...

< DOL >
Mulan: Okay, he's finally lost it. He's turning into Shan Yu.

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin: (ignoring Mulan) ...a product of a far better company!
< He really looks like he's just about to start laughing evilly, but is interrupted by the re-entrance of Gaston and Gizmo. Gizmo's hands are bound and Gaston is trying to get a gag into his mouth >
Gizmo: (like he's been going on this tangent for quite a while) ...Life! Don't talk to me about li-mwah-bfr! Gwat dwap ow ob mwah mwap!
Gaston: (relieved) Finally... (to Gizmo) You know, for such a wussy-looking guy, you put up a pretty decent fight.
Rasputin: (practically growling, to Gizmo) You will shut up and you will cooperate. (to Gaston) Dismissed.
< Gaston lets go of Gizmo and moves into the background; Gizmo sighs, then nods his head >
Rasputin:(grinning maniacally) Now that that's out of the way, on to the experiment. Today you will read a lovely little piece based on MTV's Daria.

< DOL >
Tarzan: (while headbanging) Whoo-HOOO! Daria! Rock on!

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin: Of course, I use 'based' in the loosest sense of the word... Daria herself is not mentioned. Nor are any of her friends. Instead, the whole thing is centered around the ill-contrived adventures of a rather minor character; a one Charles Ruttheimer.

< DOL >
< Tarzan is banging his head....against the wall >
Clopin: Hmm. This bodes ill...

< Tower 13 >
Gaston: (sarcastic) Enjoy the show.
Rasputin: I know we will.
< Rasputin hits the button >

< DOL. The Bells of Notre Dame are ringing >
Mulan: (sarcastic) Post sign, you always make my day.
< They all stand there looking dejected for a few more moments, then trudge toward the door >
< Start door sequence >

< All enter and take their respective places: Mulan on the far right, Clopin to her immediate left, and Tarzan to his left, directly in front of the screen >
Clopin: So Tarzan, what's so bad about this Charles character?
Tarzan: Well, for starters, he's usually called Upchuck.
Clopin: (slowly) I see...
< Roll fic >

>The World Is Not Enough
>

Clopin: Oh, great. A James Bond reference already. I wonder if it has the exceptional soundtrack to accompany it.

>By Pandora

Tarzan: Pandora. What kind of a stupid name is that? < scoffs > Pandora.

>
>The birds sang sweetly

Mulan: (as author) ...and began making the bed a la Cinderella...

>as he raised his head from the pillow, running a hand through his silky, coppery curls, which shone like fire in the morning sunlight. Today was the day, oh yes, today was the day.

Tarzan: Umm...for what?
Mulan: (ignoring Tarzan; as author)...for him to follow the seven steps in the hero plot, thus qualifying him for his own crappy fanfic...
Tarzan: Oh. That.

>Charles Ruttheimer the Third

Mulan: (chuckling) Why would anyone want to pass on a goofy name like 'Charles Ruttheimer?'

>had been discriminated against and scorned for years, why he did not know.

Clopin: So sue somebody! It's a great way to get easy money.

>Kevin Thompson, his fellow classmate did not hold a candle to Charles' beauty, intellect, and charm, yet the stupid brute had won a place in the heart of all. Still, Charles' saintly soul

Clopin: St. Charles - flogged to death by pissed off fanfic readers.

>had remained untainted by jealously and rage for fifteen long years. Yet, on the eve of his fifteenth birthday, he was locked in a Dumpster for eight hours by the aforementioned oaf.

Mulan: Why do I get the feeling that I'm not expected to feel sorry for him?
Clopin: (as author/Douglas Adams) He knew it was the aforementioned oaf because, when he hooked himself up to his encephalographic screen, there they were, clear as day, the initials "K.T." burned into his brain!

>As he sat in his rancid prison, thoughts that he had never had before started popping up in his head,

Mulan: (as author) ...in fact, these thoughts were entirely new, as he'd never thought before...
Clopin: (as Douglas Adams/Charles)

>and his long-suppressed anger came boiling over.
>When the paramedics carried Charles away from the Dumpster,

Tarzan: Hey, Dumpster! I went Dumpster diving once! It was cool!

>he was lucky to have sustained only a minor concussion

Clopin: (through 'Mini-Me' puppet) Now this sounds familiar...
Tarzan: (confused) Huh?
Mulan: (sighing) Put that thing away.

>from where his head finally burst through his prison's plastic lid after several hours of trying, he had the beginning of a plan; a plan which, after two years of work, would finally be realized on that very day.

Clopin: (rather agitated) What the hell was this elusive plan?
Mulan: (automatically) Language. I think we're about to find out.
Tarzan: (oblivious) What day? His fifteenth birthday? ...Or is the author referring to the present day in the past tense?

>The plan was very simple, though he was not quite sure what it was yet.

Clopin: Ah, that makes it all better now.

>He knew this much, though: he would take over the world, and he would take it over today.

Tarzan: (as author) He would start with Poland. After all, everybody who's anybody conquers Poland.
Mulan: (as author) Next would be France, since they're such push-overs.
< Clopin growls >

>Fortunately, over the last two years, he had assembled a large cashe

Tarzan: Isn't it "c-a-c-h-e"?

>of weapons, as well as a considerable number of loyal, well-trained female mercenaries.

Tarzan: (excited for coming up with what he honestly thinks is a great idea) Mulan, you could have been there! Then you wouldn't have had to be a cross...
< Mulan whacks him Brittany Taylor style. He starts making sounds like he's going to cough up a lung >
Mulan: Shut up. Just shut up.
Tarzan: (still coughing) What did they teach you in that army?
Clopin: (condescending) How to kill people. What else would an army teach?

>And then he had just sat back and waited for the right day. And that day was today.

Clopin: D'ya think Pandora's gone on long enough about the "right day" thing?

>Charles had descended swiftly and silently into his secret underground hideout.

Clopin: Actually, it was just his parents' basement.

>The female mercenaries were especially feisty today,

Mulan: (to Tarzan) Does that answer your question?
Tarzan: (confused) What question?
Mulan: (exasperated) Never mind.

>he noted with grim satisfaction. Yes, this was surely the right day.

Clopin: (through clenched teeth) Thank you for clarifying that, YET AGAIN!
Mulan: Could you keep it down?
Clopin: I could...
< Mulan sighs and rolls her eyes at him >

>Then he noticed that the leader of the mercenaries, a lovely girl with floor-length, strawberry blonde hair, huge, naturally violet eyes,

Clopin: (as author) ...which were achieved with the help of violet-tinted contacts...
Tarzan: "See yourself in Freshlook!"
Mulan: Well, if she's an anime character, those eyes could be natural.

>and an attractive, curvy figure, was approaching him. She was wearing a silver strapless minidress and matching silver high-healed sandals, an outfit that showed off her body beautifully. Charles smiled.

Mulan: By the Ancestors, if I've ever seen anything more degrading...
Tarzan: (practically drooling over the description) How's it degrading? I think she sounds nice.
Clopin: (through puppet)...despite the fact that she sounds like a cheap French whore...
Mulan: (grinning) You wouldn't know anything about those, now would you?
Clopin: (realizing what he said) I didn't mean it that way...

>"Pandora, darling,

Clopin: (groaning) Not a Self Insertion... Anything but a Self Insertion...
Mulan: (losing it) You mean the AUTHOR is portraying HERSELF as a CHEAP FRENCH WHORE!?!

>I think that today may very well be the day.

< Clopin groans >

>Pandora looked at him for a bit, her eyes like molten violet fire,

Mulan: She really likes that fire simile, eh?

>then nodded slowly.
>"I've found something which maybe of some interest to you, Lord Charles,"

Clopin: (as Pandora) ...I have located a tube of pimple cream that actually works!
Mulan: (as Pandora) ...the papers needed to legally change your name to something less stupid.
Tarzan: (as Pandora) ...its a box. I wonder what's inside...

>she said, leading him by the hand over to one of the room's many computers.

Clopin: (as Author) ...the only one not being used to play Doom...

>This one had what was clearly a blueprint of the Pentagon displayed on the screen.
>"I have discovered," Pandora continued, "that the Pentagon is connected by a series of underground bombs to every world capitol and every military base in the world.

Tarzan: (eyes wide) Really? Wow!
Clopin: (sarcastic) Uh huh. Right...

>So..."
>Charles, who had been listening thoughtfully, finished her sentence: "All we have to do is take over the Pentagon and threaten to blow it up.

Clopin: (sarcastic) Ah, but of course...
Mulan: All in a good day's work.

>And then, sweet baby, the world will be ours."

Clopin: Oh...my...God!
< Mulan makes gagging noises. Tarzan becomes very interested and is glued to the screen >

>Pandora looked lovingly into his eyes. How clever he was, and with such a way with words!

Mulan: Actually, our good friend Charles hasn't said one clever thing in the entire story...
Tarzan: < reaching the end of his attention span > Hey Mulan, can we take a break?

>"Yeah," she replied.

Tarzan: Cool, lets get out of here.
Clopin: (shaking his head in amazement) How does he do that?

>
>

< The three leave the theater noiselessly >

< DOL >

< Mulan is sitting at "the bridge", facing the door. Mrs. Potts is pouring her a cup of tea >
Mrs. Potts: As I was saying, dear-
< enter Tarzan. He's dressed in a tinfoil kind of dress (more like a short tinfoil tube that you can still kind of see the bottom of his loin cloth sticking out of) and has extended his hair with orange and yellow yarn. He's also sporting a neon green water gun, heels sculpted out of tinfoil, and has frighteningly gaudy makeup caked on his face. Only Mulan sees him >
Mulan: By the Ancestors!
Mrs. Potts: (urgently) What is it, dear?
< Mulan points to Tarzan. Mrs. Potts turns and gasps >
Mulan: Tarzan, what, pray tell, are you doing?
Tarzan: (attempting a feminine voice) I'm not Tarzan, I'm Pandora.
< he does some kind of gun twirling Bond-girl move and tries to look really sexy. He fails miserably. The two at the desk continue to stare at him like he's a total idiot. He starts to look a little uncomfortable and smiles rather sheepishly, revealing the most horrible lipstick-covered teeth >
(kind of quietly) I need someone to be Charles. < his face lights up > Mulan, would you mind? You have the experience...
< he takes a step forward and Mulan makes a move like she's about to kill him. But before she can get to him, his right heel collapses, sending him crashing to the floor. He looks horrified, then really miserable. Mulan turns away holding back laughter >

< Tower 13 >
< Gaston, Rasputin, and Genie are all working hard to keep straight faces >

< DOL >
< Tarzan tries to get up, but the back rips out of the dress and he looks even more depressed >
Tarzan: (wallowing in self-pity) I worked really hard making these. Oh, no...I can't believe this. What do I do now? Huh? What now?
< Mulan rolls her eyes and reaches into a nearby drawer. She extracts a roll of grey duct tape, hands it to Tarzan, and returns to sipping her tea. Tarzan's face lights up again and he exits with the tape and tattered remains of his costume. Mulan and Mrs. Potts begin snickering quietly >

< Tower 13 >
< Gaston and Rasputin are producing deep masculine laughter. Genie's head has turned into that of a donkey and is braying loudly >
< Several minutes pass. Everyone calms down and returns to doing nothing >

< DOL >
< enter Tarzan in repaired outfit. Duct tape is all over the dress and heels and the foil is rather crinkled >
Mrs. Potts: Would you like me to iron that for you, dear?
< Mulan and Mrs. Potts begin snickering anew >
Tarzan: (oblivious; to someone off-camera in Pandora voice) Oh, Charles!
< enter Clopin, who is none too happy about the whole ordeal, but ready to work the crowd all the same. He's decked out in Austin Powers garb >
Clopin: (in a surprisingly good imitation of Upchuck [despite the fact that he's never heard him...]) Yes, sweet baby, how can I < suggestive raise of the eyebrows > help you?
Pandora: Well, Charles, I remember that, in high school, a friend and I did a science project on which foods not to eat if you want to stay svelte like me. In this project, we found it necessary to construct a giant Twinkie, which is approximately as long as the Empire State Building is high, and weighs close to 1,000 metric tons. After it had served its purpose in school, I buried it for safekeeping in a park near my parents' house. However, a leak occurred at the nearby nuclear power plant, turning my Twinkie into the largest atomic bomb on the face of the earth. And it still lies in that park, glowing gently and just waiting to be detonated.
Charles: (wide-eyed) Forget the Pentagon, sweet baby, lets go blow up the world!
< Clopin and Tarzan exit hand-in-hand down the hall leading to their rooms. After a few minutes of banging around, Clopin sneaks in and sets up a platform with a trapdoor, then exits. They re-enter with shovels and step up onto the stage, again hand-in-hand >
Charles: (surveying the landscape) Is this the spot, Pandora darling?
Pandora: I believe it is, Lord Charles.
< Charles and Pandora begin digging up the ground. Tarzan opens the trap door and Clopin lifts the planks in front of the stage, revealing a side view of the ground centered around a giant hole with a few crumbs and what appear to be moles, gophers, and the like >
Pandora: Hey, where is it?
Charles: Darling, what happened to your Twinkie?!
Pandora: (picking up a stuffed rabbit with a Ping-Pong ball taped between its eyes) Aww, isn't this adorable? < she looks at its face, gasps, and drops it > It's a horrible three-eyed monster!!
Charles: (oblivious and in denial) Where is the Twinkie? It's got to be around here somewhere, you can't hide a giant radioactive Twinkie!
< Pandora shrieks as she sees more of the "monsters" >
Charles: What is it, sweet baby? < he looks at the animals and realizes what has happened. He begins throttling a mole with another Ping-Pong ball taped to its forehead. By now, Clopin is getting way too into this > You little--arrrghhh! < shakes the mole violently > YOU ATE MY TWINKIE!!! Die, you bas--
Mulan: (warning) Clopin...
Charles: (without missing a beat) brat!
< The Bells of Notre Dame start up >
Tarzan: (no longer shrieking) We've got posting sign!
< Tarzan and Mulan head for the door, but Clopin continues to strangle the stuffed mole >
Mulan: (impatiently) Okay, Frenchie...
< Clopin ignores her. She sighs, grabs his sleeve, and drags him into the theatre >
< Begin door sequence >

< They all take their usual places. Clopin finally puts the mole down >
Clopin: (to Mulan) You just love ruining my fun, don't you?

>Charles and his army were in the private jet within an hour, soaring through the air at supersonic speed, aimed straight for the Pentagon. The radar evaders hummed softly in the background as the group

Mulan: (As author) ...donned silver velour parachutes and prepared to leap to their deaths...
Clopin: Yeah, they do need to die.

>went over they're final preparations.

Tarzan: They went over they are final preparations, eh?

>As the Capitol building's silloet

Mulan: (absently) Is that French or something?
Clopin: No, it's just misspelled.
Mulan: Ah, yes. It can't be French. There aren't enough useless letters.
Clopin: (really pissed) Espèce d'ignare dégénérée!
Mulan: I rest my case.
< Clopin growls >

>came into view, the jet slowed. Soon, they could see a great five-sided building looming up from the distance. As they neared it, the attractive, redheaded mercenary at the controls looked up

Clopin: (excited) Hey! Its Samantha Jones! She's here to kill off Charles!
< Tarzan and Mulan stare quizzically at Clopin >
Clopin: (slowly) ...Samantha Jones...Redheaded mercenary...From "The Death of David Kintobar"...
Mulan: Two words: Net Junkie.

>hesitantly at Charles.
>"Go for it, darling!" he shouted, and the jet accelerated and, with a booming crash,

Tarzan: (As author) ...exploded in a fiery blast witnesses would later recall as "strangely reminiscent of the Hindenburg"...

>burst through one of the walls of the great structure.

Clopin: (As author) ...which promptly collapsed, crushing everyone in the jet to death...
Tarzan: ...Thus, world conquest was fortunately avoided and a memorial to 'America's Hero, the Pentagon, Which Gave Its Life to Defend Democracy' was erected on the spot...
Mulan: Guys, do you think that maybe you've become a bit too obsessed with killing off 'Our Heroes'?
Tarzan: No.
Clopin: Hey, you started it, Mulan.
Tarzan: Oh, and before I forget, (yelling) Break the walls DOOOWWWWN!!!
< Mulan glares at him >

>Charles and the mercenaries grabbed up there weapons

Tarzan: Me Tarzan. There weapons.

>and filed out of the jet. They had burst into a large empty room in a part of the Pentagon that had been abandoned a few years before.

Tarzan: (As author) ...Unfortunately, the whole company was eaten by a giant mutant swamp rat before they could make it out of the abandoned room...
Clopin: You mean before Wesley could save them, right?
< Mulan sighs loudly, Tarzan nods vigorously >

>"If we keep quiet, I doubt any one will notice," said Charles.

Tarzan: (As author) ...as everyone in the group was instantly shot dead by the fleet of tanks guarding the room. And with the last heave of her beautiful bosom, one of the mercenaries gasped, "No one will notice, eh, Lord Charles?"
With that, she fell back into the rapidly growing pool of her own rose-red blood and died with not a sound issuing from her soft, voluptuous lips ever again...
Clopin: (a bit concerned) Uh, Tarzan, are you sure you didn't write this?
Tarzan: Nah, I just finished reading a novel of tragic romance. I know what they all sound like.
Mulan: (under her breath) No kidding.
Clopin: (rather relieved) Oh. (to Mulan) Do you think it might be a good idea to confiscate them from him?
Tarzan: (very loudly) I only read them for the 'romantic' scenes!
Mulan: (to Clopin) I wouldn't even bother...

>They crept quietly through the rubble and into another abandoned room. Then the Mission Impossible theme began to play.

Mulan: Clopin, you only get two points for that one. You guessed that there would be a soundtrack, but you didn't guess the correct soundtrack.
Clopin: (playing along) Oh, no! And I was so close! So close!
Tarzan: So much for keeping quiet...

>"Where's that music coming from?" Pandora whispered to Charles, whom she was creeping along beside.
>Charles whipped a tape player out of the folds of the large ruffle on his burgundy velvet shirt.

Mulan: Hmm, a "burgundy velvet shirt" with "large ruffles." That seems vaguely...French.
Clopin: (angry) Shut up!

>"I keep this to set the mood, sweet baby! Grroww..."
>He was so suave that Pandora almost

Mulan: (As author) ...vomited on his shoes...

>swooned into his arms, but barely kept herself from doing so. She hoped that he didn't see the affect

Tarzan: (irritated) ...e-ffect...

>his presence had on her.

Mulan: I think even 'thick as a brick' Charles would notice someone puking on him...

>Just then, Charles and his army burst into an occupied room.
>"Ladies, get to work!" Charles yelled.

Clopin: That line could be taken so many different ways...
Mulan: And all of them dirty.

>Each mercenary pulled an attractively decorated machine gun and a coil of rope out of her tooled black leather shoulder holster and they set to threatening and tying up everyone in the room. When they were done, >Charles started talking to his prisoners.
>"Hello, everyone.

All: (droll) Hi, Charles.

>Hi, feisty ladies. I'm Charles Ruttheimer the Third, but you can call me Lord Charles.

Tarzan: (as Charles) ...The Grand, Boy of Destiny and Hope of all Mankind...
Clopin: (as Charles) Or just Charlamange for short.

>I'm just going to inform you that I'm taking over this place, and, in effect, the whole world. Thank you for your time."

Mulan: How polite.

>Then, as an afterthought, he added, "I know about the underground bombs - quite a feisty thing to do if you ask me!"

Clopin: But we didn't, did we?
Mulan: (disgusted) What is it with this fanfic and the word "feisty?"
Tarzan: That's his catch phrase. I told you that he was sleazy.
Mulan: Thank you, Tarzan, dear. I'd gotten that far on my own.
Tarzan: No, really. He says it all the time in the show.

>He smiled widely at his prisoners and, at that moment, the President barged into the room.

Clopin: (as Author) Unfortunately for Charles, it was the President of the NRA. Charles' remains had to scraped off the wall with a spatula...

>"Get me my...oh my!" he said as he noticed Charles's imposing presents.

Tarzan: His presents were imposing?
Clopin: Maybe they were from that evil Sandy Claws guy.
Mulan: You mean Jack Skellington?
Clopin: Yeah, him. He gave imposing presents that chased kids around the living room and ate their Christmas trees...
Tarzan: He wasn't really evil, though. Just a bit misguided.
Mulan: Okay, okay, enough of the Philosophy of Jack Skellington thing. Back to the fic.
Tarzan: Noooo!!!! Noooo!!!

>"You must be that Charles Ruttheimer character. I knew you were

Tarzan: (As author) ...an idiot," the President said, picking up the American flag off a desk, "but I never imagined you were this idiotic!" he screamed, impaling Charles on the flag, killing him instantly...
Mulan: (accusing) Tarzan, have you been watching more pro wrestling?
Tarzan: (innocent) No, just "The Simpsons".

>good-looking, but I never imagined that you were this good-looking!

Clopin: Tarzan, yours wins hands down.
< Tarzan bows as well as he can (as he is sitting down, after all) >

>You have, no doubt, figured out the secret of the underground bombs?"

Mulan: (as Charles) Wow, in all the excitement, I had totally forgotten about those! Thanks, Mr. President, or, under the circumstances, shall I say, Mr. Ex-President?
Clopin: No, you've got it all wrong. Charles doesn't know huge words like 'circumstances'.
Mulan: You win, I guess.

>Charles and his mercenaries nodded.
>The President promptly surrendered the country.
>

Clopin: (as author) Oddly enough, Mr. Clinton actually enjoyed being manhandled by the mercenaries...
Mulan: Clopin...
Tarzan: (dejectedly) Harrison Ford never would have given up that easily...

>
>Several minutes later, Charles and the ex-President were on one of those phones that has the TV screen where you can see the people your talking

Tarzan: My talking?! How can I possess talking? Does it mean the ability to talk?
Clopin: Give it a break, Jungle Boy.

>to on it with the United Nations,

Clopin: Run that by me one more time. < beat > On second thought, don't.
Tarzan: I thought those only existed in the movies...
Mulan: And in crappy fanfics.
Tarzan: Ahhh...

>a meeting of which was, fortunately, in session.

Mulan: (deadpan) How convenient.

>Charles addressed the group. "I am Charles Ruttheimer the Third, current Emperor of Ruttheimia, formerly know

Tarzan: (irritated) ...know-n...

>as the United States of America.

Tarzan: Ruttheimia. Can you imagine living somewhere called Ruttheimia? Sounds like some embarrassing medical condition.

>I know of your underground bombs. So, just to save time, why don't you surrender the world to me now, just like my friend," he threw his arm around the ex-President's shoulder, "the ex-President did with his country."

Clopin: (as French Delegate) Nevah! Fol you see, vee too have zee bombs. Een fact, vun ees belied undail zee velie buildeeng you all standeeng een! Prepale to die, you stupeed Ameleecan Peegs!

>Shockingly enough, the leader of the group laughed and said,

Mulan: (as author) ...in unison...
Clopin: Ummm...it said "leader", not "leaders".
Mulan: (rubbing eyes) I really need to get my eyes checked.

>"We'll never surrender the world to you, because, although you do know of the bombs, you don't know where the key in the large chest of drawers in the dining room of my house at 321 Pennsylvania Avenue to unlock the >door to the room where the bomb's detonator is! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Puppet: Ha! Ha! H-- < gagging noises >
Clopin: (sounding very strangulated) Let go!
< Mulan releases her grip on his neck >
Tarzan: (casual) Y'know, we've got a pretty stupid guy leading the UN.

>"Oh, darn!" exclaimed the ex-President. "I forgot that know one knows the secret hiding place of the key!

Tarzan: I know of one who knows where the key is, so don't give me that "know one knows" crap!
Mulan: Tarzan...
Tarzan: (rather confused) But it says "know one knows"...wait, does it mean that they know no one knows or that they just think that?...Or do they mean...
Mulan: (firm) Tarzan, what it means is that they can't spell.
Tarzan: (seems not to hear her) I know that they have to know that someone knows, I mean even they must know that no one can be so stupid not to know...I know there's no doubt that I'd know that they know that there's no possible way that I couldn't know, so you know that they'd have to be trying to get me to forget that I know what they thought no one could know...
Clopin: (under his breath) Well, if that was their motive, I'd say they've been pretty successful. (louder) Tarzan, if you don't cool it a bit, Rasputin's going to restrict your ESPN access...again.
Tarzan: (triumphant) But if I know what he's planning on doing, then he has to know that no matter what I can find a way to make sure there's no way it happens!
Mulan: (sighing) We really should really request that Rasputin spell check these...

>Well, thank you for your time, oh Leader of the United Nations. I'm sorry for letting you down, Charles."
>Charles felt that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach for a moment, but then he realized something >miraculous.

Clopin: It really wasn't too late! He could still make it home in time for "The Life and Times of Hugh Heffner"!

>"No! It's not over yet. Come on, girls, we're heading to 321 Pennsylvania Avenue to get that key!"
>
>

Mulan: And I'm heading to the dungeon to get some tea.
Tarzan: Mulan! You rhymed!
Mulan: < shakes her head and puts it in her hands > I need some caffeine.
Tarzan: (oblivious) Hey, Clopin, d'ya think it's over yet?
Clopin: (like a teacher explaining something to a particularly slow student) No, Tarzan, dear. This was obviously written by one of those types with the intelligence of a brain-damaged pigeon who leaves no elements up to the reader's imagination and always, be it a story, poem, or letter, writes "The End" after their work.
< Tarzan looks thoughtful for a while, then gives it up >
Tarzan: I still don't get it...was that the end?
< Clopin sighs loudly. All exit >

< DOL >
< Tarzan and Mulan are sitting at "the bridge". Clopin is struggling to get a rather large something that is covered with a sheet through the door. When he does, he sets it down on a nearby table, then takes the cloth off, revealing a makeshift puppet theatre. He crouches inside it and pulls out two new puppets - Pandora and Charles >
Mulan: (deadpan) Oh joy, Our Heroes.
Tarzan: (oblivious) I thought Pandora was prettier than that...
< in theatre, enter Pandora singing in a very high falsetto (or at least as high as Clopin can get) to a modified version of Trepak >
Pandora:

>
>
>They arrived to find that the UN's leader's house was heavily guarded by several armed guards.

Clopin: Well, what the hell did you expect it to be guarded by, Lilliputians?!

>Fortunately, Charles had begun to formulate a plan.

Mulan: (sarcastic) Oh, joy. I certainly hope it's as good as his last plan.

>He whispered something to a few of the mercenaries, who promptly

Tarzan: (as author) ...whipped out their guns and shot him dead.

>walked up to the guards and began flirting with them.

Clopin: (As author) Unfortunately, the guards were female, and very homophobic. The remains of the mercenaries were not found for some time...
Mulan: (angry) Clopin!

>Once the guards were distracted, Charles grabbed Pandora's hand, and they ran together to a tree, which they ascended

Clopin: (as author) ...and began swinging through the canopy on overhanging vines.
Tarzan: Hey! Are you making fun of my movie again?
Clopin: (innocently) Me? Never.
Tarzan: At least the villain in my movie had a more creative death than falling!
Mulan: (really fed up) Boys, stop it! Clopin, switch places with me. < when he doesn't > NOW!
< Clopin looks dejected and trades places with her >
Puppet: What's up your...
< Mulan shoots him a no-nonsense look and he shuts up and huffs up in the far right corner of his seat >

>to the roof on.
>They quickly ran over to the nearest skylight and tried to open it.
>"Painted shut!" exclaimed Charles.
>"I'll fix that," replied Pandora,

Mulan: (breaking uncomfortable silence; as Pandora)...I have a can of paint remover!

>as she ran a three inch, titanium-strength crimson fingernail

Tarzan: (as author) ...straight through his throat! For, right before his very eyes, which were now taking their last horror-stricken look around the roof, she had < ominous drum roll on the screen > morphed into Freddie Kruger!...

>around the skylight's frame.
>The skylight popped open, and Charles lashed a rope to the frame and, taking it in one hand and holding the other hand around Pandora's waist, swung into

Tarzan: (As author) the tank of killer bass and was instantly devoured.
< Clopin gives him kind of a weird look >
Tarzan: (defensive) Well, it goes with the Austin Powers theme, doesn't it?
Clopin: I was just wondering if you'd say that he employed dental floss in the swinging. After all, you should know about swinging, Jungle Boy.
Tarzan: (impassioned) Yeah, and that dental floss sucks!! It always breaks!

>the room.
>They landed in the room directly adjoining the dining room, but this dining room was guarded by both a husky guard and a thumbprint scanner.

Tarzan: (As author) ...After all, the leader of the United Nations insisted on the highest level of sanitary-ness in his house.
Clopin: Because, as good citizens, it is our duty to guard well against such bacteria as Our Heroes.
Mulan: I really hope you're not being sarcastic.

>Pandora quickly immobilized the guard with a swift karate chop, and Charles dragged him over to the scanner

Mulan: (As author) ...panting and heaving from the exertion...
Tarzan: (continuing as author) ...Then he promptly dropped dead from an exercise-induced heart attack.

>and scanned his thumb in. The steel door

Mulan: Wow, steel doors. This really is the User Friendly, Easily Accessible House, isn't it?
Tarzan: Is that a fixer-upper-house TV show? Like "This Old House"? "This User Friendly, Easily Accessible House"?

>slid open silently, admitting the pair. They quickly located the chest of drawers that the UN leader had mentioned, and Pandora found the said key soon enough.
>"Our goal is nearly accomplished, dear Charles," said Pandora.
>
>
>The group returned with all speed to the Pentagon, where

Clopin: (as author) ...they were disheartened to find that someone had beaten them to the punch and the great building was no more.
Tarzan: But...they have the key.
Clopin: Did I say that they used the system of bombs?
Tarzan: Oh, I get it now! They found the Twinkie!
< Clopin puts head into his hands and mumbles quietly and disgustedly about incompetence and ignorance for a while, but eventually recovers >

>the United Nations, seeing that he had proven himself, swiftly crowned him

Clopin: (as author) ...King of the Fools.

>His Lord High Sexiness Charles Ruttheimer the Third, Emperor of the Planet Chucktopia.

Mulan: Pardon me while I wretch...

>Pandora and Charles gazed into each other's eyes. Charles thought of how beautiful she looked, with her huge violet eyes shining and her soft crimson lips quivering slightly like rose petals in the warm summer >breeze.

Tarzan: (really warbling it out; Mulan is humming in the background) Summer breeze / Makes me feel fine / Blowing through the gardens of my miiinnnddd...
Clopin: (slightly indignant) And you thought my singing was bad...

>He took her in his arms and kissed her gently.
>"Oh, Charles," she said. "I've loved you since the day I first laid eyes on you."
>"Grrrowwww...

Tarzan: Grow?!? What the hell?
Mulan: Tarzan...

>feisty baby! Me too, oh, me too."

Mulan: (disgusted) How could any self-respecting girl ever fall for a line like that?
Clopin: Self-respecting?! Must I remind you who we're talking about?
Mulan: True...

>And they fell into each other's arms and kissed once more, just as the brilliant sun came out from behind a cloud and shone it's rays down on the couple.

Mulan: (as Jane Lane) Okay, that's it. Anyone up for a jolly puke?
< she extends her hand to Clopin who, instead of taking it, tries to whip out his puppet. He gets Mr. Banana Brain instead >
Clopin: < looking and sounding mortified > How'd that get in there? Heh-heh.
Tarzan: Hey, a banana! I love bananas! < makes a grab at it >
Mr. Banana Brain: (sounding like a slightly French Mr. Bill) I love bananas, too...hey, what are you doing? No! No! Noooo!
< Tarzan is just about to try taking a bite of Señor Cerebro Plátano, but is prevented from doing so by an extremely embarrassed Clopin, who stuffs the doll under his seat in an uncomfortable hurry >

>
>
>The spaceship lifted off the launch pad with a great blast of orange fire.

< Clopin begins humming "Hellfire". Mulan elbows him in the side >
Mulan: Silence, village idiot.

>"Charles, darling," said Pandora, seated next to her only love, "Why are we going off to conquer other planets and solar systems? I thought that we just wanted the earth."

Mulan: (as Charles) We're not leaving Earth, this is just an elaborate airplane.
Tarzan: (confused) But...I thought that it was Chucktopia...

>"Because, sweet baby," Charles replied, looking into his lover's eyes, "The world is not enough."
>
>The End

Mulan: (to Clopin) You called it.
Clopin: Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary.
Tarzan: Now let's get out of here.
< All exit >

< DOL. Tarzan and Clopin are speaking amongst themselves and drawing on a large map of the world posted on the wall behind them. Mulan walks up glances at the duo, at the map, and at the duo again >
Mulan: (hesitant) Um, guys...What are you doing?
Clopin: I'm glad you asked! You see, today's fanfic ended rather abruptly, so Tarzan and I have taken it upon ourselves to figure out what happens after the ending.
Mulan: Um, why?
Tarzan: You see, if we've learned anything from Pinky and the Brain, its that any idiot can take over the world. However, keeping control over the world is another matter entirely! The way we figure it, Lord Upchuck will stay in power for, oh...about an hour.
Clopin: We're betting that the guys at NORAD decide to take matters into their own hands and blow Charles' ship out of space with a well placed nuclear missile.
Mulan: (under her breath) We can only hope... (to Clopin) So what's with the map?
Clopin: We're recording what will happen before, during, and after Charles' demise in each particular part of the world.
Tarzan: Here's what we've worked out so far...First off, riots will sweep through California. Stuff like that always happens in California.
Clopin: Independent militias in the Northern US will declare independence. They'll form their own nation, and elect Jesse Ventura as their sovereign.
Tarzan: A similar uprising will occur in Quebec, but the revolution will fail due to lack of interest. After all, its hockey season up there...
Clopin: Moving on to other parts of the world, The Arabs will decide to take advantage of the worldwide confusion and wipe out Israel once and for all. Four days later, they will surrender, and spend the next twenty years trying to regain the territory they lost in the war.
Tarzan: Poland will be invaded by no less than six different armies, including a Russian tank battalion that ran out of gas and simply rolled downhill into the Polish lowlands.
< While Clopin and Tarzan are talking, the yellow light on the bridge starts flashing. Mulan goes over and hits it. Clopin and Tarzan continue rambling on and pointing to the map, oblivious to the fact that Mulan is no longer listening to them >
Mulan: (to the screen) Hello Raspy! What can I do for you?

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin: (sour) One more cutesy nickname like that and I'm sending you a Gonterman fanfic. On to lighter matters, have I come any closer to breaking your spirits?

< DOL >
Mulan: Well, my faith in the integrity of women is a bit shaken, but I think I'll survive.

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin: And your companions?

< DOL. Mulan nervously glances back at Clopin and Tarzan, who are still engrossed in the map >
Mulan: (nervously) Well, they...

< Tower 13. Rasputin is grinning maliciously >
Rasputin: (suggesting) ...have snapped like dry twigs?

< DOL >
Mulan: (defensive) No! They're just, kinda...dazed.

< Tower 13 >
Rasputin (pleased) Well, a minor victory is a victory nonetheless. Perseverance is paying off, and I am chipping away at your sanity, bit by bit. It shall be interesting to see which of you shall crack first. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-haa!
< Rasputin continues laughing maniacally, and absently presses the button >
FWISH!

Notes:
No offense is meant to anyone.
The opinions expressed by the characters are not necessarily those of the writers.
Many thanks to Charlie Stadele for all of the help and for allowing us to use his idea. And we're really sorry about the whole name thing.
Thanks to Shawa for helping with the French curse. Btw, it meant something along the lines of "culturless bastard".
We're allowed to say that thing about acting like thirteen-year-olds. We were when we started this thing.
"Changes for Jodie" is a baaaaaad fanfic by someone who doesn't want to fess up to it (not that everyone doesn't already know).
Trepak is, of course, the Russian dance from Tchakovsky's (sp?) "The Nutcracker".

And our huge disclaimer:
The original MALT3K, Mystery AL Theater 3000: The Spam, was written by and copyright Charlie Stadele.
Tarzan, Mulan, Clopin, Genie, Gaston, Mrs. Potts, Gizmoduck, Mr. Banana Brain, Jack Skellington/Sandy Claws, Shan Yu, Robin Hood, and all related movies and references are copyright Disney.
Rasputin and all related movies and references are copyright Fox Animation.
"The Simpsons", Fern Gully, and all related references are copyright 20th Century Fox.
All references to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy are copyright 1979 by Douglas Adams.
Charles Ruttheimer III, Kevin Thompson, Jane Lane, DeMartino, Brittany Taylor, and all other Daria references are copyright MTV.
All MST3K concepts and references are copyright Best Brains Inc.
Pinky and the Brain and all references are copyright Warner Bros.
Doom is copyright id Software.
Summer Breeze is copyright Seals and Crofts and their record label.
"See yourself in Freshlook" is the slogan of, well, Freshlook, a brand of colored contacts.
No challenges to copyrights are intended. Please don't sue.
Please send all questions, comments, etc. to Bridget, Larissa, Robin, or Chuck.