Back on the Satellite bridge, Joel, Tom and Crow ran around in frantic circles, trying to figure out how to keep from heading straight into the asteroid field. "Gypsy, any luck with that trajectory change?" Joel called out.
"Negative, Joel." The large purple robot popped her head directly over Joel's shoulder, startling the young human to death. "The course controls are all locked out. I couldn't get anywhere near them."
"Well, of COURSE they would be, Joel--if you could fly the ship on your own, you could make it land on Earth and escape!"
"D'OH!" Joel smacked himself in the forehead. "You're right, Servo, you're right. Well, there's nothing for it but to call up the Mads and ask THEM to change our course." He hit the Mads' light button, and popped yet another green seedless grape into his mouth. When are they going to stop treating me like a literal lab-rat? wondered Joel to himself. "Sirs? Come in, sirs. We're having a bit of trouble up here and--"
The monitor finally flickered to life, and the face of a VERY distracted Dr. Forrester filled the screen. The extreme close-up caused Joel to lunge back involuntarily. "What? What is the problem now, you mutant be-robed hedgehog? I'm--I'm very busy right now. We've got problems of our own down here!"
"CLAAAYYYY!!!" came Dr. Erhardt's voice, sounding even higher pitched than normal. "IT'S GOT MY ARM!!"
"WHAT?!" Forrester turned around, ignoring Joel completely, and ran over to the Luggage Loser. "Larry, I've told you a million times, NEVER stick your hand in that thing! You don't know where it's programmed to send it!"
"IT'S GOT MY SHOULDER NOW, TOO!!" shrieked Erhardt, a note of real panic in his voice, as his body was yanked onto the conveyor belt. "HELP ME, CLAY!!!"
All four Satellite inhabitants shook their heads in disbelief. Joel clicked off the monitor.
"Serves them right for making such an evil device in the first place." sniffed Tom.
"But what are we going to do about the asteroid field, Joel?" inquired Crow.
"I don't know, but--" Joel suddenly noticed the yellow Commercial light was blinking "--it'll have to wait until after the commercials."
(Commercials of some kind. I don't know what. Make some up.)
(Seasons 1 door sequence)
JOEL: (as he sits down) Gee, I sure hope I have enough time to finish my pulse cannon! This is getting scary!
"What are you doing here?"
CROW: Oh, watching a bad story, same as always. You?
"A couple of reasons. First, I thought I'd drop by and let you know who's been arranging a few 'Accidents.'"
CROW: (as Sally) I did them, and they weren't accidents. I'm proud, I tell you, PROUD!! BWAHAHAHA!!
"Such as?"
TOM: Plane crashes, cars wrapped around telephone poles, trucks skidding on the ice, Coleman Francis movies, ya know, ACCIDENTS.
JOEL: No, in the case of Coleman Francis movies, I think you're confusing "accidents" with "disasters", Tom.
Jonathan rolled his eyes.
JOEL: And came up boxcars.
CROW: Ooh, doubles! That means I get another turn!
"Nicole, replay mission file for 04363445.8.03."
TOM: .3.14159763240569783929504...
JOEL: Geez, that's one heck of a long Stardate...
"Accessing."
TOM: (sappy, over-perky falsetto voice) Thank you for holding! All our operators are currently busy. But your call IS important to us. Please stay on the line to speak with the first available agent.
A video clip shone on the wall,
CROW: (singing, falsetto) Shine-shine! Shine your...video clip...(normal voice) Wait, that doesn't work...
JOEL: All in all, you're just another video clip on the wall.
as Nicole narrated. "04363445.8.03: Mission type: Laser Development plant destruction."
TOM: Uh, how many plants that develop lasers exist in nature, anyway? I wouldn't think it'd take all that long to destroy them...
JOEL: She means the factory Jonathan blew up at the beginning of the story, Tom.
TOM: Oh.
Jonathan interrupted, "Skip to trap accident"
CROW: Or just walk, to it, if you prefer.
"As Sonic was running through the plant, a laser trap went inactive for no apparent reason. The trap would have killed Sonic, had he hit it."
JOEL: It's called "Plot Contrivance", Nicole, get used to it.
"End playback."
CROW: Rewind, and return it to Blockbuster before we get any late fees.
Sally asked, "So you're saying YOU deactivated it?"
"Uh-huh."
TOM: Who's speaking there, Nicole?!
"Okay... How did you sabotage the laser system?"
CROW: (Observer voice) I did it with my mind!
JOEL: (looks all around theater, stares at Crow in confusion) Where the heck did THAT voice come from? I gotta work on your vocal synthesizer subroutines, Crow...
"Let me show you." He took a mini-computer out of a bag that few of the Freedom Fighters had noticed.
TOM: Because they were all as dumb as Jell-O, apparently.
It was black, with a black leather strap, a silver plated adjuster on the strap. The bag itself had a fire colored circle with a anti-Robotnik symbol on it.
CROW: Ooh, that's gonna really clash with his salmon-pink pleather jumpsuit.
JOEL: "Anti-Robotnik"? Is that anything like the Antichrist?
TOM: Yeah, he's got the number "666" written all in metallic robot pieces...
"Play laser sabotage video, Chris." he addressed his computer.
CROW: Oooh, the "Sabotage" video by the Beastie Boys! I love that one!
TOM: Chris? He named his computer CHRIS?!
JOEL: Well, we named our computer "Magic Voice"...
"Acknowledged." Jonathan dropped the computer on the table as if it were on fire.
TOM: Probably because it was. EVERYBODY'S computer equipment keeps catching on fire in this story; what's one more?
CROW: Well, that's what they get for using HOTmail! Hee hee hee--OW!!
(Joel rips Crow's arm out of its socket and tosses it on the floor of the theater.)
JOEL: That's enough outta you, Mister.
CROW: Hey, I need that arm!
The computer began to glow. Then light shot out, enveloping the entire room in color.
JOEL: It was so bright, it caused a dimensional flux and compressed everybody and everything temporarily into nothing but a line! AAAAAHH!
Back at Knothole,
TOM: "Back" at Knothole? What, did we go somewhere else, and I missed it?
the computer's light dimmed, then shut off completely. Jonathan grabbed his computer as soon as the light was off.
CROW: Shine-shine! Shine your computer!
JOEL: I think that's enough of that joke, too.
CROW: Spoilsport.
"Whoa," was all Sonic could say.
TOM: (in Valley-Boy voice) Dude!
CROW: (same) Like, totally radical!
JOEL: (same) Gnarly to the max, man!
"How did you DO that?" Rotor asked.
CROW: Ancient Chinese secret!
The "that" which they were referring to was a simulation
JOEL: Not the REAL "that", but an incredible simulation!
which showed exactly how Jonathan had sabotaged the laser traps. He had noticed schematics on the Robotropolis computer net, and had had Chris scan them,
CROW: At 360 dots per inch.
looking for problems, as Robotnik's works were frequently filled with flaws.
TOM: Like non-working arms, hoverskirts that are too weak to work on air-vents, heads with no eyes...
JOEL: HEY!
Chris found a power routing flaw, which Jonathan exploited,
TOM: He made it work in a sweatshop for 12 hours a day and paid it only pennies.
using Chris to design them. The sim was in VR, although different, in that it "dropped" the Freedom Fighters in the video.
CROW: Sounds painful!
It put holograms on the walls and used force beams to simulate pressure.
JOEL: (singing) Pressure! Pushing down on you, pushing down on me...
"A few op-chips here, force-field generators there. Some fancy programming and a few hijacked spy-globes."
ALL: (singing) And a partridge in a pear tree!
"Where did you get it?"
TOM: Plot Convenience Superstore. Why?
"uh... my mom and Sir Charles Hedgehog worked on it."
CROW: Saynomore, saynomore!
"What happened to your mom?" Sally asked.
JOEL: Sir Charles' cooking. You ever tasted that stuff? Man!
"She was, uh..., killed in the original takeover."
TOM: When Microsoft bought us out.
"I'm...sorry."
CROW: Don't be. She did nothing but nag me all day long, day in, day out! (falsetto) "Jonathan, when are you going to get a job? Jonathan, stop hanging around with that lousy drunk, Captain Joe! Jonathan Starwolf, you put down that laser cannon THIS INSTANT and get inside and clean your room, Mister!"
Rotor changed the subject. He remarked, "I have GOT to get the plans for those."
JOEL: Seeing as how, even though I'm supposed to be the brilliant inventor/tinkerer of Knothole, I'm suddenly unable to do anything more complicated than change a lightbulb...
Jonathan regained his composure.
TOM: He was upset? He's such a great actor, I couldn't even tell.
"I'll get them to ya some time. Right now, we have a problem."
Sally spoke up, "Such as?"
CROW: (as Jonathan, insane) YOU!!! BWAHAHAHA!! DIE, DIE!!
TOM: And so, Jonathan pulled out a ten-foot laser bazooka from that sack the Freedom Fighters couldn't see, and blew all of Knothole into a layer of fine dust. The end.
JOEL: (as Ken from the Fugitive Alien movies) "I enjoyed that!"
"There is a large amount toxic gases in the area you wanted to enter."
CROW: (as Sally) No, that's just the Robotropolis commissary. You get used to the smell after a while...
Sonic replied, "So what's new?"
TOM: It's an adjective meaning "recent", the antonym of "old". But that's not important right now.
"The toxins include several thousand viruses of assorted types, which are air transportable.
JOEL: Fortunately, they're all computer viruses, so they shouldn't affect us...
TOM: Speak for yourself, Hu-Man!
"THAT'S what's new."
Sally asked, "How do we fix it?"
CROW: Well, I've got a plan, but we'll need a truck, a gallon of Elmer's Glue, a ball of string, and a banana.
"I'm not sure. Might want to check with Bookshire. I downloaded all the information on the Robotropolis computer."
JOEL: Either the Robotropolis computers contain way too little information to run a city that size, or "Chris" is way too powerful for a hand-held.
"And that arouses a problem.
CROW: Saaaaayyyy....
TOM: EEEEWWWW, Jonathan, put your pants back on! Yeeuck!
JOEL: (shaking his head) You guys...
We need to develop something to fight it by tomorrow, or all the captured citizens will be roboticized."
TOM: And that's a problem......why?
"Great."
CROW: (as Sonic) I've got this idiot wolf hitting on me! Geez!
JOEL: I'll bet Jeremy's dad washed out his mouth with soap after reading THAT many swear words in a row...
"Still too young, still too young." Tails thought. "I never hear anything other than that when I try ANYTHING. AARRRGH!! They never consider I MIGHT be capable of doing SOMETHING!! Fifteen versus nine and a half.
CROW: Wait a minute...the Freedom Fighters vary in age from nine to 15?
TOM: Then that means--
CROW: No, it couldn't be. It's too horrifying to even think of--
TOM: But it's true, Crow! They're--they're--
ALL: THE FURRY "KIDS' CREW"!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
I get dropped into a world of a bunch of FREAKS. Sonic, Sally, Robotnik, Rotor, and ESPECIALLY Antoine.
TOM: The voice of reason, ladies and gentlemen; the voice of reason.
How can I escape it?! It's like I can't do a thing because," Tails spat in disgust "I'm too young."
JOEL: (as Tails) Yeah! I'm nine and a half! I should be commanding at LEAST three Galaxy-class starships by now! GOL!
Tails earlier asked if he could go on the to-be mission.
CROW: "To-be, or not to-be. THAT is the mission."
The answer: "Sorry, Tails. You're still too young."
JOEL: Sorry, Tails, but only the BEST kids get to be Starkist Tuna!
Tails was kicking a rock, going no place in particular. Now he was stewing.
CROW: He had just added the potatoes and was letting it simmer for three hours.
Tails flew up in a tree to sit and pout.
TOM: I'd pout too if I just flew straight into a tree!
From there he saw a muscular fox, about six years older than himself,
JOEL: (falsetto) Isn't he a dreamboat...?
looking for somebody. Tails ears picked up a faint sound of his muttering. "Where is he? With a little work, that two tailed fox might be..."
CROW: Earning a paycheck.
JOEL: (singing) HE'S HIRED...he hopes he doesn't get FIRED...!!
Tails dropped down from the tree behind him. "Might be what?"
TOM: Out of this fanfic, hopefully.
The fox jumped and turned around. "There you are. Might be cool. Like me."
JOEL: How modest.
"Then who are you?"
CROW: (deep voice) I'M BATMAN!
"The name's J. P Anderson."
JOEL: Oh, no, no, NO, not TWO self-insert characters in the same story, NO!
TOM: Hang in there, Joel...
"Okay, J. P. What did you mean 'cool'?"
TOM: The opposite of hot. A lacking of temperature. You know, cool. DUH!
"Cool. As in muscular. As in fast. Other stuff too, you'll see!"
CROW: Such as some nice dresses, a cute pair of pumps or two, and, oh, I've got this colour lipstick that I think would look just ADORABLE on you...
"Sonic is fastest. And by 'little work'?"
TOM: As opposed to a lot of work. A small amount of employment. A relative lack of effort--
JOEL: Okay, Tom, okay.
"A little work. I have a neat little center where you can really get strong, man!"
CROW: Guy!
JOEL: Dude!
TOM: Homie!
"Where?"
JOEL: Well, actually, it's on another planet entirely, called "Earth", in an area known as "Los Angeles". I hope that isn't a problem for you...
"It's about half a mile from here. In a concealed area, and it looks like an old log cabin.
TOM: It's where they make maple syrup.
JOEL: Oh, man, I could REALLY go for some waffles right about now. Why'd ya have to do that, Tom Servo? You got me all hungry!
I can meet you here tomorrow about one o'clock?
"Sure!"
CROW: (as Tails) I have absolutely NOTHING better to do with my life than go to sweaty gyms hidden in the woods with total strangers!
JOEL: Some hidden log cabin. They have a big ol' line pointing right to it!
The knob turned, and they could all see the single doctor in all of Knothole, Bookshire Draftwood.
TOM: Uh, much as we appreciate the detail, story, I don't think this is the right time to be worrying about Bookshire's marriage status.
CROW: Especially considering that Dr. Quack is supposed to be Knothole's doctor!
He was working on a computer link from his equipment and his terminal. It had screwed up and gave a fox a 0 pulse and a 500 heart rate.
JOEL: No, the readings were accurate; it was the fox that was screwed up.
CROW: Possibly because, in all the other fanfics we've read, Bookshire Draftwood has always been more of a computer expert than a medical doctor.
TOM: Fanboy.
"Hey, Book!"
CROW: Hi, Page! How's it goin'? Say hi to Library for me!
Bookshire turned in his chair. "Yeah, Sonic?"
JOEL: What? A computerised office with a non-swivelly chair? This is outrageous! I won't stand for it!
"We got a little problem. Jonathan?"
TOM: Why, yes, Jonathan IS our little problem. How'd you know?
Jonathan walked to the computer station and plugged it in a free port. Then he pressed the "Upload" button.
JOEL: Whoah, SCENE-CHANGE! This is making me dizzy...
CREEEAAAK! The door to the exercise center in the near-edge of the forest definently needed oiling.
TOM: And so did J.P Anderson, but that's beside the point.
The rest of the center was very well cleaned though. There were glistening weights, sparkling exercise bikes, and many other pieces of fine equipment.
CROW: Will you look at the *fiiiiiiine* "equipment" on that broad? Whoooo, MAMA! (whistles)
"How do I start?" Tails asked, in awe.
JOEL: Awwwwww.... No, wait, he spelled it right.
"Well first, you might want to get a drink. If you are gonna get muscle, you gotta SWEAT!"
ALL: (in German accents) We're going to PUMP (clap!) you up!
"Sure." He walked to a counter with a pair of glasses on it. "One of these?"
JOEL: Wait, Tails doesn't need glasses! He has 20/20 vision!
TOM: I especially don't understand what the heck that has to do with excercising, too.
"Yeah. They're both water."
CROW: Eyewear made out of water? OH, I get it now...they're drinks of water in two drinking glasses. Got it.
JOEL: You gonna use that other one? (waits) Then I'll take it. (Stands up, pretends to pick up the second glass of water, mimes drinking, sits back down.) Ah. Refreshing.
Tails took a sip. He had not forgotten about the anger in his heart for his always being left out, but after he finished his water, he had lost its feeling. He didn't feel sadness, or his frustration.
TOM: In fact, he didn't feel much of anything at all, due to the fact that he was passed out on the floor.
CROW: (as druggged-out/drunk Tails) Whoah, I didn't know colours could do THAT...
JOEL: (singing) Follow the yellow brick line, follow the yellow brick line, follow FOLLOW follow follow FOLLOW the yellow brick line...!
After several hours of looking over the chemical and biological formulas for the viruses Bookshire came to a conclusion about the gasses.
TOM: (as Bookshire) They're made out of air of some kind.
"The only way to get into Robotropolis is by some other route."
CROW: After all, the buses don't run on Sunday.
Sally sighed, "Well, I guess we'll have to. NICOLE, load up Robotropolis map. And show areas with the virus assortment."
JOEL: And load up "Lemmings" while you're at it. I WILL master the "Mayhem" levels...!
"*Activating, Sally*"
TOM: Wasn't Sally already activated?
A few moments later a map appeared with a smoky red color on certain areas.
CROW: Sally sure blushes funny...
"I don't see any other way in!" Sonic cried.
JOEL: (as Sonic) I have suddenly become very excited for no apparent reason!
"I do!" Sally pointed to a section of the map. "Nicole, zoom in on sector C-5."
TOM: Sectors C-1 through C-3 exploded before construction could be completed. Sector C-4 disappeared into thin air 24 hours after being brought on-line. So, now we've got Sector C-5.
