By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo.
PART FIFTEEN
This is it, guys! The homestretch! FINALLY! WHOOO!!
What the heroes did during this particular break was really very boring and of no consequence whatsoever. Let's go look at the Shinra Headquarters building instead...
(At the 61st floor lounge...)
"Geez, Rude, I'm bored," whined Elena Meiers, picking at her so-called "lunch". It was something the cafeteria had whipped up called "Wutai Noodle Surprise". The only "surprise" it had in store was that it contained no noodles and it was not from anywhere near Wutai--which was hardly surprising at all, knowing the Shinra cafeteria. "Tseng's out like a light on the 64th floor, Reno's been missing for days...there's like, nothin' ta do."
Rude just sat there and looked cryptic at her, through his sunglasses.
"Yeah, I know, I know..." she said, having figured out how to translate the large Turk's different silences. "Wait a minute...I know what we can do! I've heard that Sephiroth is doing something secret up on the top floor. Let's hack into the computers to see what he's up to!" She enthusiastically tossed her tray into the trash, or _near_ the trash anyway; it missed by about six inches but she didn't seem to notice, and took off for the nearest good computer room with strong, decisive strides.
(Six floors later)
"Okay, I got in!" crowed Elena, typing rapidly. It was a little-known fact that the newbie, "dumb blonde" youngest Turk was NOT as stupid as people thought she was. For one thing, she was very well-educated in the area of computers. Mainly SELF-educated, as the purposes to which she tended to put computers were usually the types of purposes that those in authority frowned upon. "Let's see here...movie showing experiment...the HELL?!...not even Hojo's that weird...Kidnapping people to use as 'sidekicks' against their will...First Rufus, then also Scarlet and Tseng...hey, so that's what happened to him...and now he's using...Vincent Valentine...?" Elena pulled up Vincent's file, and gasped. "Rude, will ya look at THIS...."
Rude's eyes may have widened behind the black lenses, it was impossible to tell. But his body-language definitely seemed surprised.
"He used to be....28 years ago...?" muttered Elena. Then she stood up abruptly, tossed her yellow hair out of her eyes, and
straightened her dark blue tie.
"Well, we can't rescue Reno, 'cos I can't figure out where the movies are being broadcast TO, but we can do something about Valentine! Come on, Rude! NOBODY kidnaps one of ours, even if it WAS a long time ago! The Turks--well, half of them, anyway--are GOING INTO ACTION!!"
The dramatic exit would have been perfect had she not smacked headfirst into the door-frame on her way out.
(Meanwhile, back in the theater, our heroes are just settling into their seats.)
CLOUD: Wow, that sure was SOME sketch we just did, guys, wasn't it?
RENO: I'LL say. Where'd you get so many dancing girls in such a hurry?
CLOUD: I have my ways.
AERIS: That sure was something, yeah. My favourite part was when the elephants all started singing "Walk Like an Egyptian".
TIFA: Too bad the popcorn machine exploded, though.
CID: Yeah. That's gonna be expensive.
(In the aged man's house, near where the Lete River once was. Scene unfolds if SABIN and GAU are in the party.)
[NOTE: In this scenario, most of the characters have a speaking part. Since what happens here differs, I only transcribed this scene with all fourteen characters found.]
AGED MAN: Oh, hello again! Yep, you were tops!
AERIS: (as Sabin) Actually, sir, I prefer to be called a Slinky.
SABIN: That's why we...
CLOUD: (as Sabin) Like to trail our sentences off...
AGED MAN: Quick! Fix that chair! Then you can use it to
YUFFIE: Sit on. Duh!
reach the roof.
(Party goes outside.)
SABIN: You don't suppose... GAU, could that be your father?
TIFA: He's definitely weird enough.
GAU: Uooo...
SABIN: Come on, GAU. It's true, right?
GAU: ...fffatherrr...?
SABIN: Yes. This is definately your father.
CID: (as Sabin) I'd recognise that glint of pure insanity in the eyes anywhere!
GAU: ......???...GAU's...father?! Oooogauooooo!
SABIN: Right!! Let's go tell your father the news! He needs to know you're his son!
YUFFIE: Ya know, I always kinda thought, despite the story being to the contrary, that SABIN could have been Gau's father.
OTHERS: (look at her funny)
YUFFIE: Hey, they look almost EXACTLY ALIKE! And I just thought it would be kinda ironic, if, ya know, Sabin always went around making fun of the way Edgar flirted with all the girls, and then it turned out that SABIN was the one who had an illigetimate child...(she trails off weakly under the force of everyone else's glares.)
AERIS: That's an interesting theory, Yuffie, and could even be valid if this was an alternate version of the FF6 storyline. But if you EVER write a fanfic about this, I will personally rip your lungs out.
YUFFIE: (gulp) Yes ma'am.
CLOUD: (thoughtfully) They DO look alike, though. Similar abilities, even.
AERIS: Not you too!
SABIN: Just a minute... We can't just go there with you looking like this. I know! Let's go to Jidoor and give you a make-over!
CID: (as Sabin) To the Honeybee Inn!
TIFA: So, basically, they're going to make it so that when Gau's father finally meets the son he didn't know he had, he's actually going to meet the DAUGHTER he didn't know he had?!
CLOUD: Hey, if they want makeup, they could always go to one of your Mary Kay parties, Reno! Although I don't know how much makeup there would be left, after--
RENO: HEY!! That is JUST A RUMOUR! YOU HEAR ME?!
AERIS: Shameless fanfic plug, #1!
RENO: ...walk in high heels.
AERIS: Sabin would BREAK high heels; he's too heavy!
eat with manners.)
YUFFIE: Not GOOD manners, mind you; just manners. Of some kind. In general.
SABIN: No, GAU! Don't eat with your fingers!
CID: (as Sabin) Eat with someone else's fingers!
TIFA: Oh, well, I can see...HUH?!
GAU: Yaoooo...
SABIN: Don't say "Yaoooo" when you mean "Yes!"
GAU: Ho!
ALL: THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
CLOUD: (Pulls out his sword, raises it over his head, and looks through the hilt dramatically).
RENO: How the hell did you conceal THAT all this time?
CLOUD: Um..........because I'm special?
(In a clothing store. Nearly all the [found] characters are there, looking around for clothes and trying them on GAU.)
TIFA: Without putting him in a changing room first? They just strip him naked and put the clothes on? Eeww, nobody wants to see THAT!
AERIS: (as Gau) Okay, now, let me see...I want something that feels....soft, and something that.....shimmers.
TERRA: How do you like these? Wait! What about those? Hm...oh well... Did you say something?
YUFFIE: (as Terra) I wouldn't have noticed, because I'm too busy suddenly turning into a shopping-mad Valley Girl ditz!
TIFA: (as Terra) Like, totally! Fer shur! Like, BARF me out the DOOR!
CLOUD: Okay, okay, that's enough of that...
(Man) N...no! Nothing... ...Uh huh...
CELES: Which is it gonna be? Oh! This is nice...but... Do you think
RENO: (Celes)...it really needs so many leather straps?
it becomes GAU?
RENO: (as Celes) Oh, heck with him, give that one to ME! Add metal shoulderplates, make it about 16 inches bigger in the bust, hack off the bottom three inches of the skirt, and I'll pick it up on Monday. Do you have it in midnight blue?
(Man) Well...
CELES: What?!
CID: (as Celes) Haven't you ever seen a busty blonde valkyrie strut around nude before?!
AERIS: You guys are ASK-ING for it...
(Man) ...Nothing...
CYAN: What a jaunty hat!
CLOUD: (snickering) Cyan is like the ONLY person who would actually say "jaunty".
(Man) Not at...
CYAN: Wait a minute! Where's the hat?
CID: (as Gau) Burp.
(Man) ......
SABIN: This is it!
GAU: Me go to funeral?
SABIN: Perfect! Functional yet
AERIS: (as Sabin) Liccorice-scented!
sporty! Done!
(Man) I don't think...
SETZER: Phew! Completely lacking in fashion...
YUFFIE: Yeah! You tell 'im, Setzer!
TIFA: Huh?
YUFFIE: I like Setzer's clothes! They're frickin' awesome!
SETZER: Excuse me, sir. Could you order some clothes like the ones I'm wearing?
SABIN: Impossible! SETZER! How dare you think of sticking him in that kinda getup?!
CLOUD: (as Setzer) Hey, at least I know how to CLEAN my clothes. And I know how to operate sleeves, Muscle-Boy!
EDGAR: I got it! A tuxedo, silk hat...and... ...a rose in his teeth!
AERIS: (bewildered) Gau is Tuxedo Mask?!!
LOCKE: I think that's overdoing it just a bit... He should have a
TIFA: Bicycle growing out of his right ear.
bandana on his head!
EDGAR: What's so great about a bandana? Most of the time I see 'em tied around dogs at the beach!
YUFFIE: That is NO way to refer to your aunts, Edgar!
LOCKE: HEY! What do you mean by that?
(LOCKE pummels EDGAR.)
RENO: Reno pummels the screen.
AERIS: The audience cheers.
repairman!
SABIN: Sir... You...had a son, right? You with me?
CID: (falls out of his chair laughing) The Aged Man had a son with SABIN?!!
YUFFIE: This is even more whacked than MY theory!
AERIS: I'm pretty sure that was supposed to mean, "Are you with me?" as in "Do you understand what I'm saying, so far?"
TIFA: Spoilsport.
AGED MAN: ...son?
SABIN: Right. The truth is, he's alive! Come here, GAU!
GAU: Fffatherrr...
AGED MAN: What is this?! What's with this "son" business? I never had a son!
CLOUD: (as Aged Man) I am fairly sure I had a daughter, though!
TIFA: Okay, okay, I call a ban on daughter/cross-dressing jokes for the rest of this scene.
OTHERS: AAWWWWwwww.....
But now that you mention it, I once had a terrible dream.
In it, a demon-child was born! I grabbed the creature, and
RENO: (as Aged Man) ...chucked it into the swimming pool!
rushed off to the Veldt with it... It was crying like crazy when I arrived on the Veldt.
CID: It REALLY had to go to the bathroom by this time.
SABIN: But, Sir...!
AGED MAN: I left the child there... And without looking back, I
turned and started to
TIFA: (as Aged Man) ...do crossword puzzles.
run.
SABIN: I'm trying to tell you...
AGED MAN: Suddenly the crying stopped. I turned around and saw a
frightful monster...
ALL: RUSH LIMBAUGH!! NOOOOO!!!!
Hideous! Still gives me the shakes.
SABIN: I give up...
AGED MAN: But you, young man, your parents must be proud of you! I still have dreams of that demon child... Frightening...
SABIN: Why! You old... He's completely lost his mind! GAU, I'm
gonna clobber him!!
CLOUD: So, to sum up, this entire mini-adventure has consisted of: Gau putting on makeup and a dress to humiliate himself, having everyone tell him what to do, how to act and how to look, all so he can find out the fact that his father is a crazy old git who hates the sight of him and has nightmares about the day he was born? And to top it all off, now Gau has to watch Sabin beat the crap out of the poor guy?
AERIS: Basically.
CLOUD: Gee, Sabin's one bright planner, isn't he?
GAU: Uwaooo...ooooo...
(GAU goes outside.)
RENO: I don't blame him. (Stands up to leave, then hesitates as he realises that Aeris isn't grabbing him). Aren't you going to try to stop me?
AERIS: Nah. Go ahead and leave.
RENO: (suspiciously) You're plotting something, aren't you...?
AERIS: (innocently) Who, li'l ol' me?
RENO: (sitting back down) I think I'll stay.
AERIS: Good boy.
(Not much speech in this one. On top of Fanatic's Tower.)
CLOUD: (singing) All covered with cheese...I lost my poor cleric...when Bahamut sneezed...
(Received Gem Box.)
AERIS: So, is it a box made out of gems, or a box that holds gems?
(Fanatics arrive, with an enemy.)
CID: Wait...an enemy to the fanatics, or an enemy to the heroes?TIFA: Just smile and nod, Cid...
Master Kefka's treasure... Return it... Now!
YUFFIE: (as Fanatic) You have stolen his favourite baseball card! Prepare to DIE!!
RENO: (chants in Latin and then thwonks himself over the head with a board, like the monks in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail).
[NOTE: The only three party members you are required to have by the end of the game are CELES, EDGAR and SETZER.]
CID: Yeah! Screw the rest of 'em! We can take down the main villian of the entire game with only three characters!
YUFFIE: You have to split into three groups in the fortress, though, which means you'd be fighting your battles with only ONE person each!
Kefka's Tower. On the deck of the Falcon.)
Right. We're going in!
EDGAR: It's time to break into Kefka's domain!
AERIS: Now KEFKA has a website?
TIFA: Sure. http://www.crazyevilclowns.com. Of course, he doesn't get as many hits as he'd like, but...
SETZER: What's wrong? CELES......
CELES: The Statues give the Espers the magical energy they need to
CLOUD: (as Celes) Cook chicken McNuggets.
live. If we destroy the Statues...
EDGAR: What'll happen?
CELES: I'm not really sure, but...
YUFFIE: (as Celes) It'll probably involve a lot of custard...
(If STRAGOS is there,)
STRAGOS: The Espers...and magic, too, will most definately
CID: (as Stragos) ...take up ballet dancing...
disappear from this world.
TIFA: And reappear in the Phantasy Star universe, on planet Palm.
CLOUD: Parm.
AERIS: Palma.
YUFFIE: PARMA!!
RENO: Awful lot of names, for a disentegrated pile of rubble...
EDGAR: And then...
CELES: What will happen to...TERRA...?
AERIS: (as Celes) Whom I care so much about that I almost forgot her name just then.
battle with Atma begins.)
ATMA: I'm Atma...... Left here since birth... Forgotten in the river of time... I've had an eternity to...ponder the meaning of things...And now I have an answer...
ALL: 42!!!!
(When Atma is defeated, the battle ends.
TIFA: Well, that is generally the way things wor--oh, what's the use, it's almost over anyway. Pass the popcorn.
(Reached Kefka. Kefka is inside a triangular energy field.)
CLOUD: Because of course we all know that triangular energy fields are SO much more fashionable than plain ol' circular ones...
KEFKA: Welcome, friends! I knew you'd make it here, so I've prepared some suitable entertainment for you!
TIFA: (as Kefka) There's a swing band in the ballroom, and catered snacks in the lobby!
How long are you going to let the destruction continue?
KEFKA: I've tapped into the ultimate power.
YUFFIE: Microsoft?
RENO: No, that would be the ultimate _evil_.
Observe...!
(Kefka levitates a party member.)
AERIS: (as Terra) Pff. Big deal. ANYone can do that.
KEFKA: Such magnificent power! You are like insects to me!
CLOUD: (as Kefka) Bad Light Warriors! You go squish now!
(Kefka lifts a second party member into the air.)
KEFKA: I will exterminate everyone, and everything!
CID: (dramatic voice) He is...THE EXTERMINATOR!
RENO: (as Kefka) I need your clothes, your boots, and your Chocobo.
People will keep rebuilding the things you take from them.
KEFKA: Then I'll destroy those too. Why do people rebuild things they know are going to be destroyed? Why do people cling to life when they know they can't live forever?
AERIS: (as Kefka) Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
Think how meaningless each of your lives is!
TERRA: It's not the net result of one's life that is important.
RENO: Yeah! It's not the size, it's what you DO with i--OWW!!
It's the day-to-day concerns, the personal victories, and the celebration of life...and love!
CLOUD: And the pursuit of sappiness!
It's enough if people are able to experience the joy that each day can bring!
KEFKA: And have you found your "joy", in this nearly dead world of ours?
TERRA: Yes!
TIFA: (as Terra, prissily) I'll have you know I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill, thank you VERY much!
TERRA: I know what love is...!
CID: (as Mr. Spock) Love is a little bird, chirping in a meadow. Love is a wreath of pretty flowers...which smell BAD.
LOCKE: And I have learned to celebrate life...and the living.
RENO: (as Locke) By sacrificing them to the all-mighty Kali.
YUFFIE: Prepare to meet Kali...IN HELL!
CYAN: My family lives on inside of me.
AERIS: What is he, a Trill?
EDGAR: It is my dream to build a kingdom in which I can guarantee freedom, and dignity.
CLOUD: (as Edgar) ...and where buxom women are freely allowed to run around naked the whole live-long day...in a dignified manner, of course.
SABIN: I have come to experience anew the love of my brother!
CID: Wherever he might be!
CELES: I've met someone who can accept me for what I am.
RENO: A flying purple wombat!
STRAGOS: I have a special little Granddaughter.
RELM: And I have a brave Grandpa who'll stand by me through it all.
CID: (as Relm) Oh, and Stragos, here.
SETZER: My friend's airship...and her love!
TIFA: Ya gotta feel for Setzer..the only thing he really has to fight for is the love of a DEAD woman!
YUFFIE: Notice he admitted she wasn't just his "friend", finally...
MOG: I have my friends here!
AERIS: (as Mog) They're invisible, but I swear, they're here!
SHADOW: I know what friendship is...and family...
CLOUD: (as Shadow) I looked them up in the dictionary last night.
[NOTE: Personal from the author of this document: If SHADOW began to understand all this (and he had every opportunity in the game to), would he really have committed suicide, when he had a family to go back to. I totally doubt it.]
AERIS: Huh? We're skipping ahead here...
TIFA: Or backwards, or sideways, or SOMEthing...
GAU: You my friends! Me uwaooo all of you!
AERIS: HEY! Wash out your mouth with soap this instant, young man!
KEFKA: This is sickening... You sound like chapters from a self-help booklet! Prepare yourselves!
ALL: (fall over laughing)
YUFFIE: GO, KEFKA!!
CLOUD: I NEVER thought I'd hear myself say this...but at this moment, Kefka's the only one making any sense!
KEFKA: Now, for my next trick, I will make you all...disappear!
CID: (as Kefka) Hey, Rocky, watch me pull an Esper out of my hat!
Kefka, you don't know what you're doing! Stop!
(Kefka sends the Light of Judgement on the southern coast ot the
southern continent.)
KEFKA: I command the greatest power in the universe! You are all
helpless before me!
RENO: (as Dr. Forrester) Yes! BOW DOWN before me, Son of Jor-El! I'm the god, I'M THE GOD!! BWAHAHAHA!!
AERIS: Who's Jor-El?
RENO: (shrugging) Beats me.
(Kefka rises on a tower, while other party members do the same.)
TIFA: On the same tower?
KEFKA: I will destroy everything... I will create a monument to non-existence!
AERIS: Um, no, Kefka. You should always remember that the first rule of using The Power is that you can never, EVER, try to "un-make" anything. If you do, you'll un-make yourself.
TIFA: You're quoting from the Belgariad now?!
TERRA (or first listed present party member): Life will go on, there will always be people, and dreams.
RENO: Sure, the "people" might be hyperintelligent amoebas swimming in a small pool of radioactive goo, but life will go on!
YUFFIE: (singing) Sweet dreams are made of this...
KEFKA: No! I will hunt them down. I will destroy it all! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!!
CLOUD: (robotically) KILL...CRUSH...DE-STROY...
CID: Yeeow, who hid Kefka's Prozac this morning?!
LOCKE (or second listed present party member):
TIFA: Not the real Locke, but an incredible simulation!
We will not allow you to harm another living thing.
KEFKA: Hee, hee, hee!! But what fun is destruction if no "precious" lives are lost!
(Kefka sends another Light of Judgment on the northwest continent.)
RENO: Pff, there's nothing there that anybody would want, anyway.
It's over Kefka!
KEFKA: Oh! But it hasn't yet begun! And I'm giving you a front-row seat!
TIFA: Cool! Can I have some popcorn, Kefka?
(Final battle begins. Kefka shows himself at the beginning of the fourth and final stage.)
YUFFIE: And "shows himself" in more than one way...like I said way back at the beginning, he's NEKKID during the final battle!
ALL: EEEEWWW!!
KEFKA: Life... Dreams... Hope... Where did they come from? And where are they headed?
CLOUD: Ah, Kefka waxes philosophical.
These things... I am going to destroy!
(Kefka weakens.)
KEFKA: The end comes... beyond chaos.
AERIS: No, Chaos was the final boss in Final Fantasy ONE.
RENO: Or Vincent's Level Four Limit Break.
YUFFIE: Or the water-monster in Sonic Adventure.
(After Kefka is defeated, the final battle is over.)
CLOUD: (sinisterly) Or IS it?! BWAHAHAHA!!!
THE END! At least of what I've transcribed. ^_^
ALL: YAY!!!!
RENO: And there was much rejoicing.
CID: Anything left?
YUFFIE: Just a list of the stuff that the transcriber still needs to get, most of which I think we noticed was missing anyway, and a list of all the different endings you can get with different character combinations. However, there's no DESCRIPTIONS of the endings, so, there's really nothing to riff.
TIFA: In that case, let's get the hell out of here!
"Okay! We survived the movie!" Cloud stopped a moment for the general hoopla, then continued, "But we're still trapped in here."
Depressed silence.
"BWAHAHAHAH!!" came Sephiroth's trademark evil laughter from the viewscreen. "I have not even BEGUN to toy with you yet! I happen to have all KINDS of other things I can send you and--wait--what--you can't come in here!" He turned away from the camera and became agitated.
"STAND aside! Official Turk business!" yelled Elena, trying to flash her badge, then remembered that she didn't have one. Undaunted, she pressed on, "We're here to rescue our former comrade!" She strode over to Vincent. "Have they been mistreating you, sir?"
The....whatever he is....shook his head thoughtfully. "Well, I didn't WANT to be in here working for Sephiroth, but it's not like he tortured me or anything like that--"
"Wait a minute!" yelled Sephiroth. "I'm no longer working for Shinra! You people have no hold over me! What's to stop me from just continuing on with my experiments the way I want, huh?"
"This." said a cold, deep voice from behind him. Sephiroth looked up...and up...into the eyes--erm, sunglasses--of Rude. (Well, okay, not THAT far; Sephiroth's pretty tall too) The usually-silent Turk had silently snuck across the room and put a gun to Sephiroth's back while he (Sephiroth) was distracted by Elena and Vincent.
"For a big guy, he sure can move fast." smiled Elena. "Now, let's see, how do we get the people out of that theater..." She studied the computer system. "Ah! I THINK this button here will teleport them out and put them in this room, and the other button will put people INTO the theater. Or perhaps it'll just blow us all to kingdom come."
Vincent cocked an eyebrow at her.
"Kidding!" Elena hurriedly held up her hands. Those red eyes freaked her a bit more than she would have liked to admit. "Anyway, let's try...THIS!" She pushed a button.
Chaos broke out (no, not the first game's boss, the Limit Break OR the water-monster) as Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Cid, Yuffie, and Reno all appeared in the small office room.
"Thank GOD!" cried Aeris, looking around. "I NEVER thought I'd be glad to see the inside of THIS building again!"
"There's Sephiroth!" yelled Cloud. "GET HIM!!"
"Wait!" Reno held up his hands to block the other riffers, and an evil smile slowly spread across his sharp-featured face. "Let us handle it..."--he indicated Elena and Rude, and possibly also Vincent..."like Turks."
"Which means...?"
Elena exchanged a glance-and-a-half with Reno and Rude. Reno winked back at her.
She pushed that OTHER button.
Sephiroth found himself in a darkened theater, with the doors locked. He tried to cast a spell on them but it fizzled into nothing. (Of course, the magic-damping field works well,) he thought bitterly. (_I_ made it, after all.) Grudgingly, he paid attention to the words on the screen.
Chrono Trigger
Copyright 1995 Squaresoft
SEPHIROTH: NOOOOOOooo!!!!
--------FWOOOSH!------
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
To quote Adam Sandler from "The Wedding Singer":
"Well, I have the microphone..and you don't. SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY GOD-DAMNED WORD I HAVE TO SAY!!!"
No, not literally. What I mean is I just felt like explaining the thinking behind the stuff in this MSTing here and waxing intellectual/personal, so be forewarned. You are of course freely allowed to skip past this and go directly to the credits, or even stop reading entirely right now and go get a snack.
Well, so ends my fifth MSTing and the very very LONGEST MSTing I ever hope to do in my entire life! Phew! Next time I even THINK of taking on a project this long and tiring, somebody come along and slap me! Please!
This is also noteable because it's the very first time I've ever MSTed something that is actually GOOD. I LIKE Final Fantasy 6! I think it's one of the best RPG's in existence! So please, any fans of the game out there, don't send me e-mail bombs. I was just being silly. It's like how practically all Star Trek parodies are made by Star Trek FANS...that kind of phenomenon.
Will I be using this set of riffers to MST anything else, in the future? Wellll...it's a possibility. I'll have to come up with some other set-up to keep them in the theater, though, since they escaped from this one. It's possible I'll also use the crew for FF and other RPG-based fanfics--_shorter_ ones!
About the characters: I ended up making some rather odd little additional personality traits for the FF7 crew, and I didn't even really MEAN to. Among the things that developed were...
YUFFIE as THE RPG EXPERT. This started off with, "Okay, I like Yuffie, I don't want to make her stupid, so I'll make her smart in one particular area." Which area? "Well, she's a teenager, so I'll use the teenagers-are-addicted-to-video-games cliche and have her be the only one who's actually PLAYED FF6 all the way through." This eventually evolved into Yuffie being the person who can explain things about the game to the audience and the other riffers, AND somehow, she ended up "channeling" the segment of my brain that has knowledge about RPG games in general! (Yes, I really have played THAT MANY. Almost all the Final Fantasies, including the Japanese-only ones, Dragon Warrior 1-4, Phantasy Star 1-4, Chrono Trigger, the first two Zelda games, Wizardry, Heroes of the Lance, Hillsfar, Magic Candle, Bard's Tale, Ultima 1-3, Earthbound, Secret of Evermore, Times of Lore...)
AERIS and the RANGER PIKE: I don't know quite HOW this happened, although it all made some sort of sense at the time. First of all, I had Aeris being the serious/sensible one who tries to keep the others in line when they start getting too mean or too dirty. Okay, fine, that fits her personality. Then from there she ended up being the part of me that enjoys deep, dark, long, dramatic, _serious_ saga/epic-type things, such as Babylon 5, Dragonlance, Death Gate Cycle, Shannara, the Belgariad and the Mallorean, etc. Mainly she was a Babylon 5 fan. That's also plausible. And from THERE, I just suddenly got this image of her as DELENN, whipping out a Ranger pike on people's hineys! No, seriously, think about it: Both characters are short, have slender builds, delicate features, pale complexions, greenish eyes, long, straight, brown hair, mystical powers, strong religious faith, are very rare/special/part of a great prophecy, and both fight with quarterstaffs. It's OBVIOUS casting! Hee hee...Anyway, at one point, the image of Aeris whipping out a small object which then _turns into_ the Princess Guard was too tempting to ignore.
Oh, and why "Aeris" instead of the more popular "Aerith"? Dunno. The American version is the only one I've played, so I'm used to her American name, is all I can say. It gets me why people make such a fuss over Aerith vs. Aeris when they DON'T seem to go around insisting that Cloud's name should be spelled phonetically in Japanese as "Claud", or that the Turks should be called Zeng, Leno, Ruudou, and Yrena...
TIFA and EDGAR: Tifa was me dressing up as a foofy girl and acting like an goofball, for fun; her drooling over Edgar and whatnot was showing the way I would NEVER act around a guy I was attracted to in real life...so Tifa acted that way for me. Kinda like how dressing up in a costume or a mask frees you to act differently from your real self without embarrassment. I rather LIKE Tifa. I don't think she's a slut, a bimbo, an idiot, or that she's had implants, like most do. I think she's a rather tough butt-kicking warrior that happens to look the way she does by sheer dumb luck, and who has a sweet personality. And for pete's sake, have you SEEN her Meteodrive?! She's a female version of SABIN in terms of strength! Oh, and incidentally, the bottom portion of her outfit is _shorts_, if you actually bother to look closely, NOT a miniskirt! (Which is more athletic than slutty.) At any rate, I almost ALWAYS have her in my party, while playing FF7.
RENO and...well, EVERYTHING: He's a piece of work, isn't he? Putting a bad guy into the cast was _soooooooo_ freeing. Reno played the role of my Dark Side; all the really weird, dirty, evil, or insane thoughts I may have. Yes, my mind does go occasionally into the gutter, like everyone's; Reno just gave the gutter a voice. (I don't REALLY think all the things he said, though. I was mainly doing the Crow Syndrome with him.) Also he was the CRAZY one--notice that really bizzarre things, like Hitchhiker's Guide--he was the one _most_ likely to quote from that, and he was the most into strange super-wacky comedy. (I WOULD say he was the Official Smart-Ass, except that come ON, this is a MSTing...ALL the characters were smart-asses! It's REQUIRED!) And of course the dark lines because he IS a bad guy, after all; no matter how likely he is to get drunk on vacation and act decently towards the heroes. (I ADORED the Turks' part in the Wutai sub-quest...) He also did most of the REALLY obscure and _weird_ New Wave/punk song quotes, such as "The Fanatic" by Felony and "Get a Grip on Yourself" by the Stranglers. Reno embodied the side of me that lives in the shadows, apart from mainstream society, and sarcastically snickers at it. (Isn't that a great line? Hee.)
CLOUD, CID, and THE JOKES NOBODY WILL GET: Cloud and Cid ended up being sort of random Jacks-of-All-Jokes; I didn't really have them "channeling" any particular part of my personality. (Except for Cid being the one who makes wacky puns and takes things WAY too literally, and WHY he ended up like that, I'm still not sure.) Anyway, the part about "The temple is an ancient place that has NOT fallen into ruin for a long time." is from the instruction booklet to "Zelda II: The Adventure of Link" for the ordinary Nintendo. The most _hated_ and overlooked game of the series but _I_ rather like it. Anyway, that typo in the instruction booklet--it was supposed to have said, of course, "The temple is an ancient place that has NOW fallen into ruin for a long time."--made me fall over laughing the very first time I read it and then go run to quote it to my mom, who also laughed. It is STILL quoted occasionally around my house to this day.
The "Pan-Galactic Disco-Dancing Contest" sounds silly enough to just stand as a goofy phrase on its own, but it's from the Babylon 5 parody story that a lot of other "Fivers" and I wrote together on the official message board a long time ago. It's archived at my B5 site (Shameless Plug!) so if you go there, be sure to look it up. It's hilarious.
As you can see, what I basically did was give the FF7 characters pieces of my own personality that fit THEIR actual personalities, or at least weren't _completely_ out of character. It worked out rather well, but it all happened naturally; it wasn't pre-meditated.
ABOUT THE MSTING ITSELF:
WHY THE PLOT? I'm bad at host segments, and 16 of them is enough to make ANYbody think twice about the project! Making up a frame-story for the FF7 characters gave me something to do and kept my interest up. Because I have just barely now met the FF7 characters and want to write fanfic about them sometime; but don't quite know what to write. The frame-story of this MSTing was kind of a small, parody, _practice_ fanfic.
SEPHIROTH'S SUNBURN: This was actually me making fun of...me. I'm whiter than white and sunburn very easily. I wanted to make Sephiroth a slightly goofy villian instead of a mega-powerful super-evil dude, because this IS a parody, after all. But I didn't want to make him look like a wuss or an idiot. It's a fine line to walk and I don't think I walked it very well; but I tried my best.
RUDE AND ELENA: It may look like Rude was following Elena's orders there, at the end, but not really. He just agreed with her that they should go rescue one of their own, and also he was just as bored as she was. If the scene had been from his point of view, I coulda gone inside his thoughts and shown that, but as it is...
Why have Elena save the day? Why not? Not the person you'd expect! Also I _like_ her, and it's another case of my wanting to take a character that most fans feel are dumb and/or useless, and show that they CAN be useful and have some brains, after all, if you really get to know them. As for the last names: Reno Fitzgerald and Elena Meiers...eh. I just made them up.
Oh, and while others HAVE used the Turks or some of them at least, and even Rufus and Reeve, in the theater, I DO believe, as far as I know, that I am the FIRST person to make Scarlet a MSTer! KYAA, haa, haa!
WHY USE THESE CHARACTERS? Because, like I just said, I was interested in them. And the fact that they are NOT used to MSTing gives me more stuff that they can do; instead of just docilely doing little skits every single host segment like Mike or Joel would do. Also, this ties in with why I called the game by its Japanese title, "Final Fantasy 6", all the way through, when I myself am totally American. Because, once you play FF6 and FF7 together, one RIGHT after the other, in a row, (which I just barely did) and really pay attention to the characters, themes, and plots, you realise that FF7 IS FF6 _only with a bigger budget and less memory contstraints!_ I'm quite serious. Anyway, it also allowed me to point up the similarities between the games and make fun of them better. Who better to notice that Sephiroth and Setzer look almost exactly alike than people who personally KNOW Sephiroth as a "real person"? Heh heh heh.
Anyway, if I had used the American name, "Final Fantasy 3", then the similarities might not have been as striking; no? Someone who didn't really know the games THAT well might think, "Oh, well, THREE and seven...there was probably several years in between them...programmers got fired/quit, new ones came in...they probably didn't REALISE that they were making the characters look so much alike, after all that time." Except that it _isn't_ "all that time", and using the actual Japanese number makes you SEE that the games really were one right after the other.
OKAY, THE CRAZY LADY IS DONE RANTING. YOU CAN COME BACK OUT NOW.
CREDITS/DISCLAIMERS:
I would like to thank/blame my mother for that "Rufus as 'Shrub'" joke that showed up at the beginning of this MSTing, and to ask Sarah the Boring to pretty please not kill me for "borrowing" a few jokes/referencing a few running gags from her Final Fantasy SEVEN MSTing (which is one of THE funniest things I have EVER read. Shameless plug #3!)
And the reference to the "Mary Kay Party" at Reno's was from one of Zeng's superb "Turks' Party" stories, available at any finer fanfiction archive! Read them or be a rectangular squarish-type thingie!
I'd also like to beg Noah E. Sproat's forgiveness, once he realises what evil purpose I put all his long, hard work at transcribing the entire game to. I'll bet he never expected the document to get treated like THIS... Final Fantasy and Chrono Trigger are copyright Squaresoft.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
Any other things mentioned in this MSTing, to name just a few: Dragonlance, Death Gate Cycle, Belgariad, Xanth, Hitchhiker's Guide, Discworld, "Myth" Adventures, Zelda, Earthbound, Phantasy Star, Sonic the Hedgehog, Star Trek, Babylon 5, Red Dwarf, the Simpsons, Frasier, Duckula, tons of pop songs, and more, are all copyright by their respective owners. No profit is being made by this MSTing; it was just a misguided attempt to entertain myself and others and to give myself terminal carpal-tunnel syndrome for life.
And last but not least, I'd like to thank you, the readers, for sticking with me all the way through this thing! I hope I brought at least a little bit of a smile onto your face.
GOODNIGHT OUT THERE...WHATEVER YOU ARE!! BWAHAHAHAAH!!!
And keep circulating the posts!
