By Captain Chaotica!! RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo, but it's not THAT bad.
PART TWO
NOTE: I would like to apologise here for ripping off a few of Sarah the Boring's jokes (from her infamous FF7 script MSTing. And I should have put this note up to begin with, but I forgot.) I mean it only as a TRIBUTE, not as actual stealing; oftentimes in MSTing people will mention stuff that happened in other people's works and make a kind of running-gag community. Just go to SVAM or Web Site #9 and look at the Marissa Picard stories, for example, or the way LOTS of people use elements of Megane 6.7's excellent MSTings.
Anyway. Go easy on me if my jokes are repetitive; this is NOT my best MSTing but it does get better as I go along. My main excuse is that up 'til now I've only riffed short stories--this is THE longest thing I've EVER tried! I'm outta my depth!
At any rate, Sarah, if you're reading this, please forgive me. And I hope this MSTing makes you all laugh.
Now, ON to our STORY!
Everyone walked back out into the movie theater's lobby, but found that they were unable to open the doors and escape into the mall proper.
"Aw, come ON, Rufie, this isn't funny anymore!" said Tifa, throwing away her old bag of popcorn. To her surprise, she found that the snacks appeared to be free now. Well, that was something, anyway. "Let us out!"
"No," said Rufus in his Dramatic Booming Voice, "according to the instructions Sephiroth left with me, you guys are to be given breaks every now and then, during which you shall cavort around and act silly to entertain the audience--but NOT leave."
"I don't feel like 'cavorting'." Yuffie crossed her arms over her chest and gave the intercomm speaker a defiant-teen style glare.
"Speaking of 'leaving', where's Barrett?" asked Aeris.
Everyone looked around. Indeed, the large black man with the (fake) gun-arm was nowhere to be seen.
"I think he's in the restroom," Cid volunteered. "He said something about feeling sick. I think the popcorn gave him food poisoning or something."
Tifa surreptitiously threw her new bag of popcorn in the trash.
"Well, this'll never do," said Rufus thoughtfully, and, of course, boomingly. "The rules specify for six MSTers. The normal amount is three, on the show itself, but Seph couldn't pick only THREE of you guys to torture. So we'll need another guy to replace Barrett. Hmmm..."
There was a loud buzzing sound from the intercomm, a hushed argument, and then the theater doors opened. A lanky, sharp-featured young man with stylish black sunglasses pushed up on top of his head and a slouchy, wrinkled blue and white suit stepped into the theater. He glowered. The door instantly locked shut behind him.
"RENO!" everyone chorused. "What the heck are you doing here?"
"Rufus made me the substitute riffer!" snarled the ruby-haired Turk. "I ain't happy about it either. He dragged me away from a drinking contest with Rude at the Turtle's Paradise, and I was WINNING, too! Oh, well..." he scuffed his black leather shoe on the floor, "What're we watchin', anyway?"
"The Final Fantasy game right before ours," said Yuffie. "So far, the plotline is this: Some chick with green hair who doesn't know who she is has been kidnapped by the evil Empire and made to do their bidding, she also burned down a town incidentally and killed a whole ton of people. Some clones of people from AVALANCHE bit the dust yet again, and the girl eventually ended up with this blonde thief guy and they're on their way to meet some King and hook up with the rebel faction, which is called the Returners. Got it?" Yuffie leaned against the wall and gasped for breath.
Reno attempted to toss the errant strands of hair out of his eyes; a futile gesture at best. "Oh. Goodie."
(They all file back into the theater)
(At Figaro Castle's gate.)
RENO: (opera singing) FFIIIIIIGAAAAAAROOOOO!
YUFFIE: I think you're gonna blend in here just fine.
(Soldier) Wait! Hey! Oh, it's you. Proceed.
AERIS: Ahead, we enter Random Encounter Dialogue. So watch out for continuity breaks!
CHANCELLOR: It doesn't look like it, but this castle incorporates some of the most high-tech devices in existance. For example,...Oops...they're all top-secret!
CID: Then why the hell did you even MENTION them in the first place?!
CLOUD: That's IT for the dialogue with the castlefolk? Don't tell me that only two people live there!
YUFFIE: There are others, but they don't tell you much at this stage, and there are some areas you can't get into at first.
(Inside the throne room.)
MAN: You mean, THIS young woman...?!
RENO: It's Mr. Noname!
(Man stares at TERRA then walks away.)
CLOUD: I'd walk away too, if I just stared at Terra.
TIFA: Heeeeeyyyy...
TERRA: Who do you think you are?
MAN: Oh...sorry!
(Man turns around.)
MAN: How rude of me to turn my back to a lady!
CLOUD: Good thing there aren't any of them here!
YUFFIE: Cloud, what is your PROBLEM with Terra?
CLOUD: (shrugging) Nothin'. Just felt like doing a little running gag there.
The young king of Figaro Castle, ally to the Empire,
TIFA: A total, absolute, BABE...
and a master designer of machinery...
(Name the Man.)
RENO: What, is this thing giving us orders?
AERIS: Get used to it, Reno, it'll do that every single time a player character gets introduced.
CID: How about....Blake? That's a nice upper-class, old-fashionedy sounding name.
AERIS: Don't tell me, let me guess...the MSTer's name for him, right...?
EDGAR: I am EDGAR, King of Figaro.
TIFA: I am TIFA and I want your phone number, Kingy!
RENO: I am RENO and I don't give a damn.
LOCKE: Surprised that someone like me knows a king?
CID: No, actually, thieves and politicians are KNOWN for going together...
(EDGAR and LOCKE talk briefly.)
CID: (as Edgar, under his breath) 7:00?
RENO: (as Locke) I promise I won't forget the keys to the handcuffs this time, darling.
LOCKE: Talk to you later!
(LOCKE leaves.)
TIFA: Whoo-hoo, ALONE with Edgar! YEAH!
EDGAR: So...you're an Imperial soldier! No problem. Figaro and the Empire are allies! Please relax while you're here. It's not in my blood to harm a lady.
RENO: My sword, however, has absolutely no problems with it.
TERRA: Look, why are you helping me? Is it because of my...abilities?
CLOUD: You mean, the rumours that you can do almost ANYthing with your tongue and--
AERIS: Cloud...
CID: Give up, Aeris. The line sounded suggestive even IN context.
(EDGAR waves his finger.)
TIFA: And then his finger waves him.
EDGAR: I'll give you three reasons: First of all, your beauty has captivated me! Second...I'm dying to know if I'm your type...
CID: Hey, this guy gets right to the point, don't he?
YUFFIE: He says that to ALL the girls. And I mean that literally.
TIFA: YOOO-HOOO!! EDDIE! You're MY type!
CLOUD: Tifa, do I have to hose you down or something? Geez!
(EDGAR walks away a bit.)
EDGAR: I guess your...abilities...would be a distance 3rd.
RENO: And again, we learn how putting an ordinary word like "abilities" into quotation marks makes it sound SO much dirtier.
TERRA: ......? What's with you, anyway?
AERIS: He's horny, you idiot! Geez...
EDGAR: Guess my technique's getting a bit rusty...
(EDGAR leaves.)
TERRA: Hmmm... I suppose a normal girl would have found him dashing. But I'm hardly...normal...
TIFA: I find him dashing.
YUFFIE: We KNOW, Tifa, we KNOW...
CLOUD: And he DASHED straight out the door.
AERIS: BOOO!
(About the castle.)
RENO: What ABOUT the castle?!
(Woman) Though EDGAR showers his attention on women, most are too smart to pay any attention to him.
YUFFIE: For a laugh sensation, try coming back later and talking to these women WITH Kingy in your party. "Can you believe it? Last week Blake even hit on the High Priestess at the temple..OH! King Blake!!"
(Soldier) The Empire has smashed the three cities on the southern continent. Just a matter of time 'til they come up here...
MATRON: Yes... His name is SABIN. Oh, he looked so like his father!
CLOUD: They BOTH looked like their father...they were TWINS for pete's sake!
YUFFIE: Actually, I never figured out if they were _identical_ twins or not. What I eventually came up with was that, over the years, Sabin's rough outdoor fighting life gave him a darker skin tone, lighter hair, way more muscles, and probably broken nose and cheekbones, so that he ended up LOOKING way different from Edgar...but they started out identical.
RENO: That's a cool theory.
AERIS: So, you're saying this Sabin dude looks like Kingy, only buffer and more tanned? Hey, Tifa, let's split up the twins. You get Edgar, I get Sabin.
TIFA: Deal.
YUFFIE: Dibs on Setzer!
When he ran away, he was a sweet little child. I wonder what he's like now?
RENO: A chainsaw-wielding maniac. Duh.
YUFFIE: Actually...Edgar's the one who wields a chainsaw...
(Around the castle.)
(Scholar) Scholars the world over are doing research on magic. Silly people, scholar...
AERIS: So, there's only one scholar, then?
TIFA: And he evidently has multiple personalities.
(Scholar) Long ago, a force called "magic" existed. People who used magic were called "Mage Knights."
CHANCELLOR: The whole business of succession was so repugnant to
SABIN, the King's brother, that he fled the castle forever. The
succession was settled with a coin toss...
RENO: What the hell kind of way is THAT to name a King? You might as well just say you get to rule because some naiad lobbed a sword at you!
CLOUD: The day has come to choose the new Ruler of our Great Empire. So let's play Tiddlywinks!
(Kefka and two Troopers in the desert outside the castle.)
CID: Okay, so two Troopers and an insane homicidal would-be god with an annoying laugh all walk into a castle, and the King says...
KEFKA: Phooey! Emperor's Gestahl's stupid orders!
RENO: (as Kefka) Yeah! Making go out in public without any makeup on! Who does he think he is, anyway?
KEFKA: EDGAR, you pinhead! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere? These recon jobs are the pits! Ahem...there's SAND on my boots!
CID: (as Indiana Jones) That's why they call it the DESERT, sweetheart...
(Troopers clean off Kefka's boots.)
TIFA: With their tongues.
(Troopers) Yes, Sir! All set, Sir!
(Kefka laughs maniacally.)
YUFFIE: And again, this is news...oh, why do I even bother...
KEFKA: Idiots!
(Kefka and the Troopers arrive at Figaro's gate.)
(Soldier) Sir Kefka!? What on earth do...
AERIS: We're on Earth...?
KEFKA: Outta my way!
(EDGAR arrives.)
(EDGAR talks to one Trooper.)
EDGAR: I thought we were allies! What are you doing in my domain?
RENO: Edgar has his own website?
TIFA: Sure. http://www.hotroyalbabes.com. Mind you, those coal-burning computers don't get very fast connection speeds, but...
(EDGAR talks to the other Trooper.)
EDGAR: Looking for more cities to destroy?
TROOPER: That's for us to know!
CID: And for you to find out. Uh, except that you'll be dead. Uh, whoops.
(EDGAR talks to Kefka.)
EDGAR: What brings Kefka, humble servant to Emperor Gestahl,
CLOUD: And winner of the Miss RPG Contest 1994-1997...
into our lowly presence?
KEFKA: A girl of no importance recently escaped from us. We heard she found refuge here...
YUFFIE: If she's "of no importance", why do you want her so badly?
EDGAR: Hmm...this wouldn't have anything to do with this "witch" everyone's been whispering about, would it?
CID: Well, usually they call her something else, but it's censored...
KEFKA: Lies! She...merely stole something of minor value. Is she here?
EDGAR: That's a tough one! You see, there're more girls here than grains of sand out there. I can't keep track of 'em all!
TIFA: (as Edgar, enthusiastically) And boy, do they ever tire me out! Man!
YUFFIE: He WISHES...
KEFKA: I'd hate to be you if we found out you're lying... Mwa, ha!
RENO: I'd hate to be Kefka, PERIOD!
(Kefka and Troopers proceed to leave.)
KEFKA: I truly hope nothing happens to your precious Figaro...!
CLOUD: FFIIIIIIIIIGGAAAAAAARRROOOOOOOOO!
(Kefka and Troopers leave.)
(EDGAR walks back, up to LOCKE.)
LOCKE: I'd say that guy's missing a few buttons...
AERIS: Kefka with his clothes falling off. Now THAT'S another image I didn't need...
YUFFIE: Brace yourself, Aeris...during the very last battle....he's basically nude.
AERIS: YARRRRGGGGHH!
YUFFIE: Of course, YOU, the player, don't see anything. But from the way his loincloth was blowing around, and the angle the good guys were standing at, I feel majorly sorry for them...
EDGAR: ... Where's TERRA?
(TERRA comes out of the throne room door.)
CLOUD: Not the doorWAY, mind you, she literally comes OUT of the DOOR.
CID: Talented little thing.
EDGAR: Take her to her room...
RENO: And tie her to the comfy sofa!
AERIS: That's another one for the Obscure-O-Meter...
(EDGAR talks to TERRA.)
EDGAR: I'd love to chat with you, but the Chancellor and I must plan our strategy. Sometimes I hate being a king! If you'll excuse me.
(EDGAR leaves.)
LOCKE: Follow me.
(LOCKE walks away, and TERRA follows him to a bedroom chamber.)
CLOUD: Whoo-HOO, this is gettin' good all of a sudden!
AERIS: (sighs, shakes her head...)
(In the bedroom chamber.)
LOCKE: Don't you worry 'bout a thing! I'll
RENO: What? You'll WHAT? I think we're missing chunks of the script here, guys...
TERRA: You're LOCKE, right? EDGAR told me about you. Is it true you're a thief?
LOCKE: That's TREASURE HUNTER!
CID: Of course, if said treasure happens to be in someone's pocket or locked up in the safe of a mansion, that doesn't bother him at all...
YUFFIE: Hey, speaking of safes and people being locked up in mansions, where's Vincent?
TIFA: Last time I saw him, he was lookin' kinda furry and muttering something about the full moon...
LOCKE: On the surface, EDGAR pretends to support the Empire. The truth is, he's collaborating with the Returners, an organization opposed to the Empire. I am his contact with that group... The old man you met in Narshe is one of us.
RENO: (as Locke) Phew, can't believe I made it through all that exposition at one time!
TERRA: Empire...but I'm a soldier of the Empire...!
LOCKE: That's not true! They were using you! Things are different now.
TIFA: Now WE'RE using you.
AERIS: And this is better how?
TIFA: The Returners are more honest about it.
TERRA: I don't understand... What should I do?
LOCKE: I can't tell you what to do. You don't have to decide right now. You'll soon find your way...
(LOCKE leaves.)
TERRA: But how will I know which way is right...
YUFFIE: (bursts out singing) How will I know if he really loves me...I say a prayer with every heart-beat--
AERIS: NO!
EDGAR wakes up.)
EDGAR: ...? What the...?!
(EDGAR runs outside.)
YUFFIE: Without putting his clothes on first. And since this is a desert castle and it's like really hot weather 'n' stuff, he probably sleeps nekkid.
AERIS: Yuffie, don't encourage her! Tifa, put your head between your knees and take deep breaths. That's a good girl...
TIFA: (panting) Eh...heh.....heh....
EDGAR: What's happening?
(Soldier) It's the Empire! It's Kefka!
(Kefka and the Troopers arrive.)
CLOUD: Yeah, Kefka's cooking will do that to a place...
(EDGAR talking to a Soldier.)
CID: (as Soldier) Your Majesty, please, you're not my type!
(Soldier) FIRE!!!
CID: Oh, and, yeah, that too.
(EDGAR talking to a Trooper.)
(Trooper) Fire! Fire! Heh, heh, heh...
RENO: Geez, these guys are REALLY into Beavis and Butthead, aren't they...?
(EDGAR talks to Kefka.)
KEFKA: Bring me the girl. Now!
EDGAR: I don't know what you're talking about!
KEFKA: Then...welcome to my barbecue!! Uwa ha ha ha!
TIFA: (as Kefka) Would you like ribs, or chicken? There's some potato salad over there...
(EDGAR walks up to the throne room door and talks to a Soldier.)
CLOUD: Why he goes further INTO the castle when it's already on fire, we'll never know.
EDGAR: Get ready...!
(Soldier) Yes, Sir!
(Soldier walks into the door.)
AERIS: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: OUCH!
KEFKA: Changed your mind...?
CID: (as Spock) Is there something wrong with the one I have?
YUFFIE: (shakes her head) Trekkies!
CID: Hey, the "Cid" from Final Fantasy IV named his airship the ENTERPRISE, for cryin' out loud! I think I come from a long tradition here. Of what, I don't know, but a tradition.
EDGAR: I guess I have no choice...
(EDGAR whistles for a three Chocobos and jumps off the side of the castle wall onto one of them.)
CLOUD: Squashing it flat.
RENO: "A" three Chocobos?! The HELL?!
EDGAR: Or maybe I do!
KEFKA: Ackk! Shameful that a king should flee, leaving his people behind! How utterly delightful!
AERIS: So, is it delightful or shameful? Make up your zarking mind!
(EDGAR takes the Chocobo around the other side of castle, where LOCKE and TERRA are waiting.)
YUFFIE: (as Terra) HEY! KINGY! Get your naked little ass over here!
TIFA: (gasps for breath)
EDGAR: Jump!
RENO: Edgar Roni Figaro IS David Lee Roth!
CLOUD: Not surprised.
(LOCKE and TERRA jump onto the Chocobos as they ride past, and they proceed to ride off.)
EDGAR: OK! Dive now!!!
CID: Into WHAT? The SAND?!
YUFFIE: Yep.
LOCKE: Yahoooo!
AERIS: Geocities! AOL! Mindspring! Freeservers!
Figaro Submergance Code Engaged!
TIFA: Do you have any idea how many pixels had to die for this code?
(The castle starts to pull together by itself.)
RENO: Pull yourself together, castle!
CHANCELLOR: No one can touch the people of Figaro!
CLOUD: (giggling) And nobody would WANT to, either!
(Chancellor lowers into the castle, and it submerges. Kefka is wiped out on the surface of the desert sands.)
CID: "Wiped out"?! Was he surfing?
KEFKA: Go!! GET THEM!
(Battle starts.)
(If TERRA uses magic,
YUFFIE: Which our MSTer did do...
EDGAR is surprised.)
RENO: Then again, Edgar is surprised at the sun rising every morning and the fact that the lawn is still where it used to be.
(Tifa gets out of her seat and smacks him a good one.)
LOCKE: EDGAR, What's the matter? You look positively spooked!
EDGAR: D
d
d
d
d
d
did you just see what I saw...?
CLOUD: WOW, way to have a stuttering problem...!
(LOCKE glances at TERRA.)
LOCKE: Yeah... ...this kid seems loaded for bear......
TIFA: Or maybe I mean she IS a loaded bear. I get mixed up sometimes.
EDGAR: She's amazing! That was magic! M-A-G-I-C-!
(LOCKE is shocked.)
YUFFIE: Locke is shocked on a box while eating rocks!
RENO: Don't.
LOCKE: M
M
M
M
M
M
M
MAGIC?! She used magic?
CLOUD: The HELL?!
YUFFIE: That's the way it actually looks on the game. You have to hit the "okay" button to scroll past every INDIVIDUAL LETTER, and it goes down the screen vertically instead of in a row. MAJORLY annoying and cheesy. But in general, it's still a good game.
(EDGAR and LOCKE) Pswswswsw! pswswswsw!!
AERIS: What language is THAT?
TIFA: At least they're not saying their stage directions like "Psst...whisper.." out loud.
EDGAR: TERRA... ...where on earth did you learn that?
CLOUD: Or whatever the hell planet we might be on!
TERRA: ......... Sorry......I......um......
LOCKE: Look, I didn't mean to make such a big deal of this......
EDGAR: Me either......it's just that I've never actually SEEN magic before! Where did you...?
TERRA: ......
AERIS: And Terra eloquently expresses herself by staring at her shoes.
LOCKE: EDGAR, TERRA can use magic, and we can't. That's the only difference between us. The fact is......we could use her help!
TERRA: Thank you, LOCKE! Thank you, EDGAR!
TIFA: (as Terra) For what I don't know, since I'M the one who saved YOUR sorry asses during the battle, but, anyway, thank you!
(EDGAR and LOCKE still can't get the shock out of their system.)
TERRA: Stop swooning...!
YUFFIE: (as Terra) Gee, having all these men faint over my beauty gets SO tiresome after a while! Tee-hee!
(Battle proceeds.)
RENO: WAIT, wait, wait, wait, WAIT!! This whole stuttering lengthy conversation was happening DURING a battle?! What, did the enemies just decide to take a coffee break while they were discussing all this stuff?! GEEZ!
CLOUD: Not to mention that now they know all about Terra's powers...
(Battle ends.)
CLOUD: But won't be able to tell anybody, because they're dead.
(EDGAR, LOCKE and TERRA are still riding off on their Chocobos.)
CLOUD: Who are getting damn tired of it.
LOCKE: This is great!!
TERRA: Was that a bad person? I... I'm scared...
(ALL look at each other, then explode with laughter, falling down in the sticky aisles of the movie theater)
RENO: (mockingly) "Was that a bad person"? The HELL?! He just burned down a castle while people were still living in it and you have to ASK?!
AERIS: Not to mention, she could have at least asked something like "Is he one of our main enemies?" or "Does Kefka work for the Empire?" or "Are we likely to see him again?" not "Was that a bad person?" I mean, REALLY!
CLOUD: (mockingly) "Oh, mommmmyyyy, hold meeeee, I'm scaaaaared of the big BAAAAD personnnn!"
EDGAR: TERRA, there's someone I'd like you to meet...!
LOCKE: We're members of the Returners.
YUFFIE: Oh. What. A. Shock.
EDGAR: Our mentor, Banon, would certainly like to meet you.
CID: And discuss his new line of fine yogurts!
AERIS: That's DANNON, Cid...oh, why do I even bother...
EDGAR: "Magic" is going to be the key to winning this war.
TERRA: "Magic"...
EDGAR: TERRA has magical powers. That Esper seemed to react with her.
CLOUD: No, it INTERacted with her and took her armour off; weren't you listening earlier?
Can there be some connection?
TERRA: I haven't the foggiest! It just seems natural to me that I have the use of this power...
EDGAR: But no HUMAN is born with the powers you seem to have, and...
RENO: (as Terra) "How would you react if I were to tell you that I'm not from Narshe after all, but actually from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?"
AERIS: I think we covered that in the first part of this MSTing, thank you...
(TERRA stops abruptly. EDGAR and LOCKE stop, and ride back to her.)
EDGAR: I apologize.
TERRA: What should I do...?
EDGAR: I'm sure the Empire is going to come after you...If they get their hands on you again, the world's finished...
CLOUD: (as Edgar) So how's about you let ME put my hands on you instead...?
TERRA, you want to understand your own powers, right?
TIFA: (as Terra) I want to understand what love is.
AERIS: (as Terra) I want to know what it all means; what's my purpose in life?
CID: (as Terra) I want Jello. As much as I want, any flavour I want, any time I want.
YUFFIE: (as Terra) I want the phone numbers and home addresses of this game's @#$*ing translators! "Was that a bad person" indeed...
RENO: (as himself) I want a good lie down!
EDGAR: Then I think we need to consult with Banon.
TERRA: ......
CLOUD: (as Edgar) Hey, I'm TALKIN' to you! Quit doing those meaningful silences, okay?!
LOCKE: Please...
EDGAR: OK! To the south there's a cave that leads to South Figaro.
AERIS: As opposed to a cave to the south that leads to NORTH Figaro.
YUFFIE: Ah. A word of explanation is required for this next section. In the Final Fantasy VII script, the scriptwriter DID bother to put in the stuff about how the characters travel from place to place, and whatnot. Here, it's nothing but strict dialogue and battles, making it harder to be funny as there's less actual SENTENCES to comment on. Anyway, the houses and towns that the following dialogue comes from are places that Edgar, Terra, and Locke travelled to on their way to the Returner hideout. And now, back to our program.
CLOUD: (as Edgar) He liked them so much, he used to wash them once a month...
EDGAR: And this... His favorite tea...
RENO: (imitating Cid) SIT DOWN and drink your goddamned TEA!!!
CID: (sticks tongue out at RENO).
EDGAR: SABIN...he was...here?!
YUFFIE: Somehow, I would have imagined Sabin's house to be a lot more Solo-Flex, stereo system and smelly sweatsock-intensive, rather than full of tasteful flowers, furniture, and china dishware...
(Outside the house. EDGAR sees a man.)
EDGAR: What the... You know this guy?
TIFA: HUH? Who are you TALKING to, Edgar? Are you asking the Man if he knows himself?
(Man) Of course. He left a couple of days ago after he heard Master Duncan was slan. He headed into the mountains. I heard Duncan's son, Vargas, is missing as well. I have a bad feeling about this.
(Man leaves.)
CID: (as Man) And with that line, I have just used up my entire reason for existence in this game. Time to go collect my paycheck and look for another gig. Maybe I can be a castle Guard in Chrono Trigger...
AERIS: AAAAAAHHH!! SEPHIROTH!!
YUFFIE: Actually....you might want to hold back on that one, Aeris...
and a huge dog at the bar.)
TIFA: HUGE?! Interceptor is a CUTE little thing! He's about the size of a Scottish Terrier! He looks like "Toto" for cryin' out loud! Who WROTE this thing...?
(Man) ....
LOCKE: At the very least you could give me a response...
RENO: (as man in black) Re...un...ion.... must...return....to...great...Se...phi....roth...
AERIS: STOP that, you're creepin' me out!
EDGAR: Stand back! He seems vaguely familiar... Wait a minute...!
CLOUD: (as Edgar) I think I dated him last week!
He owes allegiance to no one, and will do anything for money. He comes and goes like the wind...
YUFFIE: Ah, the Mysterious Voice from Nowhere makes another appearance.
(Name the man.)
ALL: Uh...
RENO: Um....
TIFA: Er...
CLOUD: I can't think of anything. Let's just see what the game names him.
EDGAR: That's SHADOW...! He'd skut gus mama's throat for a nickel!
AERIS: Well, "Shadow" is an awesome name, but "skut gus mama's throat"...the HELL?!
TIFA: It was originally "slit his mama's throat"...I think the scriptwriter got his fingers transposed on the keyboard for a minute and didn't notice...
LOCKE: Better steer clear of him, I guess.
SHADOW: Leave us. The dog eats strangers...
YUFFIE: Very slowly, over several weeks, because he's too SMALL to do otherwise...!
(In the old man's house. The merchant is giving the cider to the old man.)
(Merchant) I'm off work. Get lost!
TIFA: (as Merchant) And quit FOLLOWIN' me, ya weirdo!
(Merchant goes back to the tavern.)
AERIS: A-HA!! He just got off work, and first thing he does is head for the TAVERN! Work and alchohol really ARE related in these games, aren't they...?
(Old Man) I don't like strangers. Bring me some cider, and maybe I'll talk to you.
CLOUD: (as Old Man) Of course, I am talking to you right now, but that somehow doesn't count.
YUFFIE: In his BEDROOM?! Geez, these people really DON'T understand the meaning of privacy, do they...?!
(Man writing.) Attack from the east. That way......?! Hey! Whaddaya think you're doin'? Barging in here while I'm trying to write a letter! Harumph! Oh, uh, sorry... Even a millionaire can be...startled.
CID: (as Man) But since I'm NOT a millionaire, you scared the living !@##$ out of me!
(Man's Wife) There's always a nasty draft in this room. Where's it coming from?
YUFFIE: JUMP-CUT! In the game, you are supposed to first talk to ALL the people in South Figaro, and then they tell you that Sabin and perhaps Vargas have both been seen climbing Mount Kolts, so then you travel there and go through a LOT of twisty caverns and battles and stuff before you get here. The MSTer's party was barely even still alive at that point.
EDGAR, LOCKE and TERRA find Vargas.)
VARGAS: SABIN sent you, right?
LOCKE: Who're YOU?
RENO: My name is....not important...
EDGAR: SABIN? Is he here?
LOCKE: You were shadowing us earlier, right?
VARGAS: Brilliant!
CID: Tell the man what he's won, Johnny!
VARGAS: And how unlucky it is that you have run into me...!
CLOUD: With a truck...
(Battle with Vargas begins.)
VARGAS: Enough!! Off with ya now!
RENO: (snickering) Ya just GOTTA love the translation job on this game, don'tcha?
(Voice) Give it up, VARGAS!
(SABIN arrives.)
VARGAS: Is that you, SABIN?!
AERIS: (as Sabin) Of course it is! It says so right in the script, doofus!
SABIN: Vargas, why'd you do it? How could you do your own father in like that?!
VARGAS: Fool! He made the mistake of choosing you as his successor! He snubbed me, his only son!
CLOUD: (as Vargas) And he never took me to baseball games...he missed my part as a carrot in the 2nd grade nutrition play...!
SABIN: No! You were the one he chose!
VARGAS: You're a liar!
SABIN: Our Master wanted you to be his successor, not me. He
appreciated your fine spirit......
CID: (as Sabin) Your ability to bore people witless...
VARGAS: Enough of your lies! Now, have a taste of my superior
technique! Mortal Attack! Blizzard Fist!
AERIS: (as badly-dubbed martial-arts movie character) Floating Tiger-Lily Death Foot!
TIFA: (same) Spitting Crane Fist!
YUFFIE: (same) Now...you...DIE!! A-HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
(Everyone else but SABIN is blown away from the battle.)
CLOUD: That should give you an idea of how much Sabin's been hittin' the snack bar lately...
VARGAS: Ahh, Sabin! The master taught you well!
RENO: (as Darth Vader) Obi-Wan has taught you well...
SABIN: I guess there's no avoiding this!
VARGAS: Fate made us train together, and fate will send you to your doom!
YUFFIE: (giggling) Ya know, this scene doesn't really NEED us, does it?
VARGAS: Phew... I tire of this!
(SABIN uses Pummel on VARGAS.)
CLOUD: "Uses Pummel...?"
YUFFIE: Sabin has these special combo-button attacks he can use called "Blitzes", and he learns new ones every now and then. One of them, "Suplex", looks EXACTLY like Tifa's "Meteodrive"--he grabs the opponent, no matter HOW ridiculously large it is, and slams it upside down on its head!
VARGAS: He...he taught you that one already...?!
SABIN: If only you hadn't been in the rush for power...
(VARGAS vanishes. The battle ends.)
CID: And since he vanished instead of DYING, you can count on him showing back up again later, in true RPG fashion!
EDGAR: SABIN!!!
SABIN: Big brother?
AERIS: (as Sabin) Yes, those two minutes that you were in the world before me make you SO much wiser!
LOCKE: The brothers are reunited!
ALL: Awww....
TIFA: What a Kodak moment.
RENO: I think I'm going to be ill.
TERRA: Younger..."brother"? At first glance I thought he was some bodybuilder who had strayed from his gym...
YUFFIE: Tee hee...that's a pretty darned good description, actually!
SABIN: Bodybuilder?!
(SABIN laughs.)
SABIN: I'll...take that as a compliment...
CLOUD: Sabin then starts flexing and posing all over the place.
SABIN: Anyway, brother, what are you doing here?
EDGAR: We're on our way to the Sabil Mountains...
SABIN: To the Returner Hideout, no doubt?
RENO: No, to EuroDisneyland, silly!
SABIN: I've been watching from afar, hoping that the world might regain some sanity... At this rate, Figaro will be reduced to a puppet state.
CID: (as Sabin) With King Friday the XIII and Lady Elaine Fairchild as rulers!
EDGAR: Our time to strike back has arrived. The Empire's going to pay for what it has done...
SABIN: Think a "bear" like me could help you in your fight?
CLOUD: Geez, first Terra's a bear and now Sabin is...isn't anyone HUMAN in this thing...?!
EDGAR: You'd...join us? Sabin...!!
SABIN: I think Duncan would rest easier if he knew his disciple played a part in bringing peace to the world.
YUFFIE: Even though he's, like, dead and stuff, and therefore won't know...
LOCKE: Let's get going!
AERIS: And so should we. Look, the lights came back up again.
