By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo. If you're too young to be reading this, don't. Or at least lie convincingly afterwards.
PART THREE
NOTE: The FF6 character costumes that our riffers wear here, and in subsequent segments, are NOT based off of the Amano paintings, or any more detailed fan-art-ish pictures. They are based off of the SPRITE versions of the characters in the game itself. And since those sprites are small and kind of hard to see, the details of the costumes can be interpreted many different ways. So if you were wondering why Reno, while he's dressed up as Locke, is wearing blue and light brown instead of a slinky all-black outfit, or why Celes's costume is a green tank top and orange skirt--it's because that's the way I interpreted those characters' outfits. From the SPRITES, alone. Your own mileage may vary.
Oh, and why is Reno done up as Locke, in the first place? That's because I ran out of blondes! FF6 has TONS of them (Locke, Edgar, Sabin, Gau, Celes, Kefka, etc...) and FF7 only has a few! (Cloud, perhaps Cid, (I could never quite tell if his hair was ash-blonde or grey...but he's only in his early 30s, so I'm voting for blonde) Rufus, Elena, and Scarlet, are the only ones coming to mind right now. And most of them aren't in the theater!)
And now, ON to our SHOW!
"OKAY", boomed Rufus Shinra over the intercomm system, "Sephiroth has given me instructions that you guys should frolic on your breaks to entertain the audience, and by whatever gods we might have on our world, you are GOING to FROLIC! So, come on! Be entertaining!"
"What if we don't want to?" snapped Yuffie, leaning back against the wall with a glower.
"Then you will not be allowed back into the theater--"
"WHOO-HOO!" went up the cry from all corners.
"--and until you have FINISHED watching the movie, you will NOT be allowed to leave, is that understood?"
The partying abruptly died down.
"Welll...what are we supposed to DO, exactly...?" whined Cloud.
"According to my instructions," Rufus went on in a more normal voice--he'd been leaning on the "Echo" button all this time and hadn't noticed it--"You should come up with silly little skits that either reflect stuff that just happened in the movie, or be weird at random, however you feel. All you have to do is come up with what you want to do and props and costumes will be provided magically out of thin air. If you need it, you'll have it. The props and costumes will be cheap and flimsy and goofy-looking, but that's part of the humour. Well? Get to it!"
Tifa got an evil idea and grinned. She took Aeris and Cid into a huddle, and whispering ensued. Soon, all three were grinning evilly.
"Oh, CLOUD-ie..." smiled Aeris sweetly. "Come HE-ere..."
Cloud scowled as he realised that they were up to no good, but sluffed his feet over to them anyway. After a few shouted protests, he went into the male restroom. Cid, Aeris, and Reno went into their respective restrooms to get changed, as well.
But when they came back out, it was Cloud that everyone was staring at.
He was wearing a very...unique costume.
It was Renaissance-style and definitely Jester-ish, with a high, stiff, round ruffled collar that stuck out exactly horizontal from his neck in all directions, and poofy fat sleeves with layering. The entire costume was in bright, gaudy, clashing, reds, greens, and yellows and was lacey and be-ribboned even by old-fashioned standards. His yellow hair had been smoothed down as well as it could be and tied back into a short ponytail, with a feather stuck behind his ear. As a crowning touch, his face had been painted pure WHITE with heavy swirls of red and black makeup around his eyes in fancy patterns, and his mouth had been painted with lipstick. In short, he looked....disturbing.
The girls all giggled when they saw it, and Yuffie wheeled a barbecue grill in front of Cloud. "Say your lines!" she encouraged him.
"I am NOT doing this!" he grumped.
"DO IT." said Rufus, who had gone back to Booming, and who was more than a little bit curious himself.
Cloud sighed, threw his head down, and shook it sadly from side to side. Then he reluctantly straightened up, and said in a high, femmy falsetto: "Hello all and welcome to Cooking with Kefka! Today, I'm going to show you how to make a traditional Figaroan barbecue! Uwee, hee hee! First, you have to find a good castle, one with a lot of people in it. Then, you set it on fire! Tee hee!"
Cid walked up to him, with his ash-blonde hair pulled back into a short ponytail with a royal blue satin bow, and his goggles removed from atop his head. He was basically wearing his usual look, but his blue flight jacket had been replaced with a longer one of the same colour with fancy gold edgings, and he wore a ruffly white shirt underneath. His scarf functioned as a cravat. "Hi. I'm King Edgar, and I will show you how to pick up women while you're at a party! First, make sure that the woman has amnesia and has no idea what you're talking about. Then..."
"WAIT, wait, HOLD it..." Tifa stepped in front of "Edgar" and held her hands up in a "time-out" gesture. "That wasn't in the script! You're supposed to be talking about how to properly garnish fried Magitek-armoured soldiers so that they give you that yummy crispy taste! Remember?"
"And the "King Edgar's Dating Service" was going to be in our NEXT skit, remember?" Aeris put her hands on her hips and glared at Cid. She had sprayed some cheap green dye into her long ponytail and was wearing a red and purple outfit.
"OOPS." said Cid, looking rather sheepish. "Can we try that again?"
A sigh came from the intercomm.
"Never mind," said Rufus. "That was your first time, so I guess it's to be expected that you'd mess up, especially without a script, a warning, or any preperation time whatsoever.
"By the way," said Cloud, pulling the feather out of his hair and tossing it on the ground, "did you know that when I went into the bathroom, I couldn't see or hear Barrett ANYwhere? I think he went out one of the windows!"
"WHAT?!" shouted Rufus, booming even without the Echo Button's effects. "That's it! I'm having the janitors lock all the windows while you guys are in there, and kicking up the air conditioning! No more escaping!"
Reno, leaning against the wall, was dressed like Locke Cole--in a blue vest, a light brown turtleneck shirt, soft suede pants of the same colour, calf-high black pointed-toe boots, and a blue headband that not only made his hair look even REDDER (if such a thing was even possible) but also gave him a rather rakish pirate-y look. He bolted to his feet in horror. "You mean I'm STUCK here?! I thought I was just a temporary replacement!" he wailed.
Cloud grinned at him. Being forced to play the foofiest character with the most ridiculous costume had NOT put him in a good mood. "Welcome to our nightmare, Turk-boy!"
"Get back in the theater, all of you!" snapped Rufus. "Your time was up two minutes ago!"
"Okay, o-KAY, sheesh..." muttered Yuffie under her breath.
They all pile in and sit down.
TIFA: (to Reno) You look VERY nice in that outfit, though. I don't know if it's that the colours and shape fit your colouring and build rather well, or just the fact that the role of a common THIEF somehow seems very appropriate on you, but....it Goes.
RENO: Uh...thanks...I think...
CID: I like my outfit too. At first I thought it was too frilly, but now I wish I had longer hair so I could make a proper ponytail. The long sweeping coat is quite nice, don't you think?
AERIS: Speaking of hair, be glad you don't have a whole ton of green gunk in yours...
CLOUD: How come Yuffie and Tifa didn't have to dress up?
YUFFIE: We haven't run into enough major female characters yet, and Aeris got Terra's part because she already has the same hairdo. And because she drew the short straw. Bwahaha!
(At the Returner Hideout. A man is at the entrance.)
(Man) King EDGAR! This way, please!
TIFA: Walk this way! (She sashays across the room and sits back down in her seat.)
AERIS: Tifa, people would have to surgically get their hips DISLOCATED before they could walk like you...
(EDGAR follows the man to a room.)
(Banon's chambers.)
EDGAR: Banon! We brought the girl with us.
CLOUD: Banon then walks slowly around Terra, checking her teeth, making sure her shoes are on tight...
BANON: Is she the girl who can talk to Espers...?!
TERRA: Espers...?
RENO: She has real trouble with understanding even the shortest sentences, doesn't she...?
EDGAR: Seemed the Empire had complete control over her.
BANON: Carrier pigeons brought word that she wiped out 50 of the
Emppire's best soldiers in a few minutes.
TERRA: That's a lie!!!
YUFFIE: Yeah! I wiped them out in only a few SECONDS! How DARE you accuse me of such pathetic slowness!
LOCKE: TERRA!
EDGAR: Banon! She doesn't remember ANYTHING!
BANON: Stay where you are!
(Banon approaches TERRA).
BANON: Perhaps you've heard this story? Once, when people were pure and innocent, there was a box they were told never to open. But one man went and opened it anyway. He unleashed all the evils of the world:
All that was left in the box was a single ray of light: Hope.
TERRA: ......
AERIS: Terra eloquently stares at Banon with a "DUHHHH...." expression.
BANON: We now confront those evils... And you are that last ray of light, our only hope...
RENO: Help me, Terra-Wan Kenobi. You are my only hope!
YUFFIE: You're gonna regret those Star Wars riffs later on, Flame-head...
EDGAR: Banon!
TIFA: (as Edgar) Why am I yelling at you?!
BANON: I'm so tired... Let me rest a while.
CLOUD: Yeah, standing up for like two minutes...and...um...telling one old Earth myth...uh...really takes a lot out of a guy...uh.....yeah...
AERIS: I'd like to point out that originally it was a WOMAN who released all the evils. So, GO, SQUARESOFT! Heh heh heh...
(TERRA wakes up and gets out of bed. LOCKE is in the same room.)
CID: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more saynomore!
LOCKE: Someone important to me was jailed by the Empire. I've hated the Empire ever since... I joined the Returners when I realized the Empire was rotten to the core. I wanted to make a difference.
RENO: (as Locke) But now, I see that my entire life has just been one pointless lie after another, on and on, until nothing matters any more...
TIFA: Ya know, I don't think we NEED Vincent in here...
TERRA: But...I have no significant "other" in my life...
LOCKE: That's not entirely true. Besides, I'm sure there are people who feel YOU'RE important to them! They are counting on you...
AERIS: Uh, look, wanting to USE you as a strategic advantage in their revolutionary war is NOT the same thing as having people LOVE you, which is obviously what Terra was talking about...
(TERRA leaves the bedroom and walks around the Hideout.)
CLOUD: Talking to every single last person, reading every book, and opening every single treasure chest, urn, pot, or cabinet she sees!
(Returner) We're a small organization now, but our membership is starting to soar.
(Returner)
Please join us in our battle!
(Returner) The Empire is arresting Returners everywhere. We need to discover some means of fighting back, or...
CID: (as Returner) We will NEVER win the Pan Galactic Disco-Dancing Contest!
YUFFIE: No one's gonna get that, ya know...
SABIN: The only thing I can add is that you can trust my brother implicitly. He's always been fair with me. You can trust him, TERRA... But don't you DARE tell him I said that!
(SABIN laughs.)
CLOUD: Sabin laughs a lot, doesn't he?
EDGAR: It's gonna be tough to talk you into helping us... If we push too hard, we're no different than the Empire... So we want you to make up your own mind.
AERIS: We won't force you, no. We'll just go on and on about how many innocent people are dying and how the Empire is SOOO evil, and then we'll make pathetic puppy-dog eyes at you and go, "Please please pleasepleaseplease??????!"
RENO: And if that doesn't work, there's always the "blackjack-to-the-head" method...
YUFFIE: How is an airship going to convince her to join?
(They all stare at her, especially CID.)
YUFFIE: Uh, wait, you don't know about that yet...
RETURNER: (If you've already talked to everybody else) Banon? He's waiting outside.
BANON: Have you made a decision? Will you become our last ray of
hope?
TIFA: Will you become our last cheesy, tortured metaphor?
BANON: The person who possesses the relic need not fear harm.
CLOUD: Except for if an enemy actually attacks you in any way.
BANON: Please, Terra... I'd like you to take it with you.
TERRA: What is this???
BANON: A lucky charm. Take it! (Received Gauntlet.)
BANON: I have a plan! Please get everyone together!
(EDGAR, LOCKE, TERRA, SABIN and several Returners are at a table. Banon walks in and joins them.)
CID: In holy matrimony.
BANON: Right... We all know that the Empire is using Magitek power in battle. The point is, how has the Emperor created it?
CLOUD: Uh...Mako energy?
YUFFIE: Ixnay on the Ako-may, Cloud. Doesn't exist in this universe.
TIFA: I'm holding out for Plot Devices, Inc.
EDGAR: I had LOCKE look into the rumor that the Empire is forcing the world's finest scholars to study Espers.
LOCKE: All the trouble in Narshe is over an Esper, too...
TERRA: You mean there's some connection between Espers and Magitek?
RENO: (shakes his head) I cannot BELIEVE anybody ever thought Terra was a likeable character...she's such a wussy IDIOT!
YUFFIE: She does get better as it goes along...and if you play the game and actually SEE the stuff she goes through, you can understand why she'd be scared/confused a lot of the time. I blame the translators for the hokiness of her lines, mainly.
BANON: I can only recall one thing linking Espers with Magitek
power...
EDGAR: You don't mean...
CID: Jello!
BANON: Indeed! The ancient War of the Magi...
(Man) No!
(Man) It can't be!
AERIS: (deadpan) Oh my god. This is so shocking.
TIFA: (same) I cannot believe it.
YUFFIE: This simply cannot be.
LOCKE: My Grandma used to tell me stories about magical machines...Could they have been true?
EDGAR: Could that ancient tragedy be playing out once again...
RENO: What, Romeo and Juliet?
CLOUD: Or Hamlet.
CID: ANYthing by Shakespeare, almost.
CLOUD: Wait, how do we KNOW this stuff?!
BANON: It's just speculation... But historical studies have provided
CID: 12 essential vitamins and minerals and are part of this complete breakfast...
a number of conflicted and frightening theories... According to one theory, humans and machines were imbued with powers drained from Espers...
TERRA: That could explain Magitek power...
EDGAR: We can only fight Magitek enemies with Magitek weapons...
AERIS: And by making sure to say the word "Magitek" every three seconds; that's essential...
BANON: It's risky, but if we have TERRA...speak with that Esper, it might just wake up...
EDGAR: I wonder if that's wise...?
RENO: Yeah, she might just irritate it to death.
BANON: Who can say? Regardless, we need TERRA's help.
(LOCKE gets up and walks over to TERRA.)
CID: And doesn't stop until he's actually crashed into her.
LOCKE: TERRA...
TERRA: I'll do it!
SABIN: What nonsense! You sound as if you're enjoying this!
CLOUD: "do it"..."enjoying this"...ahem...no comment...
AERIS: (shakes her head)
(The front door opens.)
BANON: What? What's that noise?
(Man) Emergency! Sir Banon...
(Man collapses.)
(Man) S...South Figaro...
TIFA: Talks pretty good for a guy who just collapsed, doesn't he...?
YUFFIE: (as Man) Making me...talk like...William Shatner...ughhh...
BANON: They've found us... We haven't a moment to lose!
EDGAR: LOCKE!
RENO: (as Locke) AAAH! Quit screaming at me, I'm right here!
LOCKE: I know... "Someone" has to sneak into South Figaro and slow the Empire down, right?
EDGAR: That's right up your alley! Good luck!
LOCKE: TERRA... Please wait for me... And...please...don't let a lecherous young king, who shall remain nameless, near you!
TIFA: HEY! Not even counting that I don't appreciate describing my Eddie-poo as "lecherous"; it's HER decision who she wants to "let near her" in the first place! What if she LIKES the "lecherous young king"?
AERIS: YEAH! (stops, thinks) Uh...what did I just stand up for...?
EDGAR: LOCKE!!!
(EDGAR huffs and pouts.)
SABIN: Big brother...Aren't you EVER going to grow up?
AERIS: I said it before and I'll say it again: They're TWINS! How much "bigger" of a brother can he BE?!
YUFFIE: In terms of size, Sabin's the "big" brother. He's damn huge!
BANON: What're we going to do?
EDGAR: We'll escape down the Lete River, and make our way to Narshe. I want to see that Esper for myself...
CLOUD: (as Edgar) That is, if we can even remember our NAMES by then.
CID: Huh?
CLOUD: Lete...Lethe...River of Forgetfulness? Ah, forget it...
BANON: Right. There's a raft by the back entrance. It's a gamble, but we're fresh out of options...
(EDGAR talks to TERRA.)
RENO: (as Edgar) Hey, babe, why don't ya..heh heh heh..sit in MY end of the raft...heh heh heh...
EDGAR: You're in danger here. Come with us to Narshe. You'll
probably even gain some understanding of your abilities...
BANON: We've no time to dilly-dally. Let's make for Narshe!
(At the back entrance. A raft is tied on the bank of the river rapids.)
AERIS: Courtesy of Plot Devices, Inc.
Here we go! This raft'll take us to Narshe!
TIFA: Says the Mysterious Voice from Nowhere.
(EDGAR, TERRA, SABIN and Banon jump on.)
RENO: Each other.
AERIS: Do I have to start beating YOU up too, Headband Man?!
(MOG runs out for some gameplay info.)
CLOUD: (as MOG) "To move around the World Map, press the directional keys. Remember that once you get off a Chocobo, it'll run away, so be careful! To use magic--"
(YUFFIE whams him over the head).
MOG: Head toward Narshe, but protect Banon at all costs. If Banon is put out of commission, your journey's over.
(Further down the rapids, the raft stops. A purple octopus approaches the raft.)
YUFFIE: And annoys the HELL out of the players. This part is way hard if you didn't bother to earn up enough levels beforehand...
What? WHAT IS IT?
(Battle with Ultros begins.)
ULTROS: Uwee hee hee... Game over! Don't tease the octopus, kids!
RENO: Remember, kids, don't tease octopi at home! Tease them at your FRIEND'S home!
(Some comments that Ultros says during battle:)
Seafood soup!
Muscle heads...hate 'em!
YUFFIE: That's what he says right before knocking Sabin completely out of existence...
Yaaooouch! Seafood soup!
Delicious morsel! Let me get my bib...!
YUFFIE: And that last comment, disturbingly enough, is what he says about Terra...
AERIS: An octopus that's ATTRACTED to a human? I think I'm gonna be sick...
(The battle ends.)
YUFFIE: After the PLAYER has put her fist completely through her computer screen at least five times.
TIFA: Computer?
YUFFIE: Yeah, our MSTer used an emulator. She doesn't own a Super Nintendo.
ULTROS: Th...that's all, friends!
(Ultros dives.)
SABIN: I guess we thrashed it.
EDGAR: Don't bet on it...... It's probably just hiding from us......
TERRA: Ewww!! Something's stuck to my leg!
CID: (as Terra) Oh, it's just you, Edgar.
AERIS: (as Terra) I like you, Edgar. And that's why I'm going to ALLOW you to remove your hand from my thigh...instead of breaking every bone in your body...
EDGAR: TERRA! Over here!
RENO: (as Terra) No, Terra over HERE! What do you want?
BANON: It's alright now.
CLOUD: Even though I seem to have forgotten how to spell "all right".
SABIN: Watch out! I'm going to hit it with a Blitz!
CID: (singing) Puttin' on the blitz!
(ALL groan)
EDGAR: No! SABIN!!
SABIN: Don't distract me, brother!!
(SABIN goes flying off the raft and comes down in the water.)
EDGAR: He's always been a tad
RENO: Weird...
zealous......
TERRA: SABIN......!!!
BANON: Don't worry about him!
TIFA: Yeah, he's hardly worth three exclamation points!
EDGAR: Are you sure he's okay, Banon?
BANON: You should know better than any of us! Any moment he'll flop right onto the raft!
CLOUD: Uh, "flop" right onto the raft doesn't sound too, ya know, LIVELY. I would have said he was going to "climb" onto the raft, if I wanted to be optimistic...
SABIN: What the...!
CID: How the ....! am I talking underwater?!
(SABIN comes flying out, but doesn't land on the raft.)
BANON: ...... ......
EDGAR: Seems a little too perky...... Ha...!
RENO: (as Edgar) Ah, throw him back, he's not a keeper!
TERRA: SABIN!!!!
EDGAR: SABIN!!!! Take care of yourself!
(Battle background ends.)
AERIS: Battle...background?! Do they mean music? I didn't know this thing had a soundtrack!
CID: Neat! Wonder what the battle theme sounds like...?
CLOUD: My vote is for "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees.
TIFA: (shrugs) Works for me!
SABIN!!!
(SABIN and the rest of the party are separated by the river.)
RENO: But hope to reconcile before things get so bad that they have to file for divorce.
(TERRA, EDGAR and Banon's scenario.)
(MOG) Fleeing the Empire's troops, Banon, EDGAR and TERRA ride rapids toward Narshe. But the going won't be easy...
RENO: Well, DUH. That's why they're called RAPIDS...
(EDGAR, TERRA and Banon are at the secret door LOCKE used earlier.)
CID: Which they could have gone to IN THE FIRST PLACE!
TERRA: When LOCKE first helped me, he fiddled with something right around here.
CLOUD: (as Edgar) Here?
TIFA: (as Terra) Get your hand out of my shirt!
RENO: "Fiddling with Terra Branford in this manner accomplishes nothing."
YUFFIE: Dude...you have GOT to stop playing that old Hitchhiker's Guide text game...
EDGAR: Knowing him there's probably some secret switch in this rock wall...
AERIS: As opposed to a secret switch in the sky...
(They flip the switch
RENO: Off.
and the door opens.)
______________________________________________________________________
(In a column-filled mineshaft. A beam of light appears in front of the party, and follows a specific path around different columns to reach the other side.)
YUFFIE: Thus driving the PLAYER straight out of her frickin' mind, 'cos you can't pause the game while it's moving, and you can't memorise it on anything near the first try, or even the fifth.
EDGAR: Goodness...
TERRA: What's that...?
CLOUD: (as Edgar) Goodness? It's a noun, signifying "the quality of something positive" i.e. "the opposite of badness". But that's not important right now...
EDGAR: I think this's a
YUFFIE: Really annoying and pointless puzzle.
security checkpoint. If we follow the light exactly, we'll probably be okay. If we make a mistake, the light'll surround us. To proceed safely we must "tag" the glimmering light.
(At the Old Man's house. EDGAR, TERRA and Banon come through the back door. Arvis (Old Man) comes.)
AERIS: Not a word, Cloud. Not. A. WORD.
ARVIS: Banon! King EDGAR! ...and TERRA!!!
BANON: Arvis! What's happening here in Narshe?
ARVIS: The town's neutral. I've tried to get
CID: ...it into drive, but I think the gear-shift's broken...
the people to side with the Returners, but... Anyway, why on earth
YUFFIE: Or whatever planet WE'RE on...
have you come here?
EDGAR: First, how are your people doing?
ARVIS: They all went...slightly berserk when the Esper was discovered.
RENO: Which was quite an improvement from their usual state, "extremely berserk".
BANON: We believe this young woman is our only hope of reaching out to that Esper.
ARVIS: My people are dying to know what the Esper looks like. Maybe TERRA can help restore some order to our town...?
CLOUD: (forming hands into a megaphone) Vote Terra Branford for Mayor today! Branford is the candidate for progress, and she promises to clean up this town!
EDGAR: That Esper is either going to save us...or dig us an early grave...
TIFA: And unless we earn up a heck of a lot more levels first, my guess is for "early grave"...
(ALL notice that the movie has stopped.)
CID: Hey, that was a short one! Think Rufus is softening up?
YUFFIE: (shaking her head) Nope, that's just the calm before the storm. Next up is Sabin's scenario...and it's SO incredibly long, it's not only going to need it's own section, it'll probably take up at least half of the one after it!
(ALL groan and file out.)
