By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo, but nothing graphic.
(Author's Note: Yes, Barret really is gone for good. I originally only put him in the group because he IS a Main, Main Character. However, I soon found out that his perpetually-angry personality made it VERY hard for me to even IMAGINE him being funny, and I couldn't stomach the idea of typing out his obnoxious stereotyped accent. So, I got rid of him and brought in Reno, who is not only my favourite Turk but one of my favourite characters from FF7 PERIOD, and whose sarcastic, cynical, drunken slacker personality is just PERFECT for MSTing! I personally feel that the group the way it is from now on: Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Cid, Yuffie, and Reno--has a very good "humour chemistry" and goes JUST right together. And now, back to the story.)
(In the theater lobby)
"You'll be happy to know," said Rufus, boomingly, over the intercomm, "that you will not be forced to be "amusing" this time. We're putting on some commercials instead and allowing you to run around the theater and stretch your legs for a bit. Because you'll NEED it. BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!
"That didn't sound very good, did it...?" Tifa said uneasily. She soon joined the others in getting a much-needed break.
(About ten minutes later)
"Everybody done?" smirked Rufus. It's hard to describe exactly how a tone of voice can smirk, but he managed it.
"YES." they chorused.
"Nobody has to...you know...go?" he pursued.
"NO." they chorused.
"Okay, then, back into the theater with you! UWEE, hee, hee!"
(SABIN's scenario.)
(MOG) What dire fate has befallen SABIN, who feel from the raft after the fight with Ultros?...
RENO: First off, I must say, if he's "feeling" a raft, he must be REALLY desperate!
(At a lone house. SHADOW and his dog are standing by a well. A Merchant on a Chocobo rides up.)
Who're you?
AERIS: Says...Shadow to the Merchant...? The Merchant to Shadow...? Mog to the Player....? WHAT?!
(Merchant) Howdy. I own the dry goods business out here! You're not from these parts, huh? Well, no matter. (Buy stuff.)
CLOUD: And now the game is ORDERING you to buy stuff.
TIFA: Not much of a subliminal message.
See you around.
(SABIN talking to the dog. The dog reacts viciously.)
CID: As does everyone whom Sabin talks to.
RENO: "People are trying to kill you....everyone who's met you, I should imagine!"
Whoa... The dog just can't stand strangers.
YUFFIE: (as Sabin) Or maybe it's just my breath.
(SABIN talking to SHADOW.)
SABIN: You...on a journey? I got separated from my friends. Say, can you tell me how to get to Narshe?
CLOUD: What does Narshe LOOK like, anyway?
YUFFIE: Geographically speaking, it's a lot like Nibelheim.
CLOUD: Ah. A small, quaint, high-mountain, mining town. Gotcha.
SHADOW: Imperial Soldiers have built a base somewhere beyond this forest.
SABIN: ... Already!?
RENO: (as Sabin) But they told me they wouldn't be done until next week...!...uh, I mean...I HEARD, yeah, that's it...
SHADOW: They seem to have their sights set on Doma Castle.
SABIN: So Doma's next, huh? I have to reach Narshe immediately!
AERIS: Doma's in danger, so he has to get somewhere ELSE immediately. Well, I can see how that makes sens--HUH?!
SHADOW: Your only hope is through Doma. I'll show you the way. Just know that I may take
CID: (as Shadow) ...my clothes...
off at any time, if I feel like it.
YUFFIE: Hey, no fair peeking ahead!
SHADOW: The Reaper is always just a step behind me...
TIFA: So, that means he's in danger of dying at any time. How's THAT supposed to be menacing?!
(Inside the house.)
AGED MAN: Hey!!? You the clock maker? I been waitin' for ages!
"Uh...no. I'm not the clock maker."
AERIS: I take it we're supposed to assume that Sabin's the other voice here, since he's the lead character at the moment, right..?
AGED MAN: There it is, on the wall. Ain't been tickin' for 1, 5, shucks, maybe even 10 years!
CLOUD: Boy, you REALLY can't get good help these days...
YUFFIE: And "help" is definitely what this old coot needs...
AGED MAN: Got it! Lawnmower repairman, eh? Couldn't provide worse service! Grass's 25 feet high out back!
RENO: (as Aged Man) Or is it them...whatchamacallems...tree-thingies...
AGED MAN: No more lip, repairman! Fix that stove, on the double!
(If you try to,)
TIFA: You obviously have WAAAAAAYYY too much time on your hands.
Yaaaouch!!!!
AGED MAN: Phew! No child could be this mischievious! Child...?
Ain't no child 'round here! Bolderdash! I'm ready for you to leave! Go on, git! I'm tossin' ya out onto the Veldt!
AERIS: Wait, how'd we get to Africa?
CID: Sabin can walk REALLY FAST.
YUFFIE: Sssshhh, everyone. I LOVE the Veldt soundtrack music. It's SO freakin' cool!
(Man throws out SABIN and SHADOW.)
??? I'd rather take a stick in the eye than deal with that guy
again...
CLOUD: It's the legendary QUESTION MARK MAN!!
AGED MAN: You're here to fix my bed! It's squeakin' like all git-out!
CID: Wait...how can they hear that...they already left!
(At the imperial base. SABIN and SHADOW hide so as not to be seen.)
TIFA: As opposed to hiding so that you CAN be seen, evidently.
RENO: (British accent) How Not to Be Seen!
This's an imperial base. Too many soldiers...
CLOUD: Wow...Imperial soldiers at an Imperial base...who woulda thunkit?!
AERIS: Quick! Sneak in, take a uniform out of one of their lockers, and start marching in step formation with them!
YUFFIE: And make sure to scratch your back with your gun.
(Two soldiers on patrol walk by each other and stop to chat.)
RENO: (as Soldier) So...how about them Silver Dragons, eh?
CID: (as other Soldier) Look at the chassis on THAT tank! Rrrowwwrr!
RENO: (as first Soldier) Clyde, you have GOT to get out more.
SOLDIER A: Hey, have you heard?
SOLDIER B: Oh, you mean...
SOLDIER A: Shhh! Quiet down. If Kefka catches us, we're toast.
(Soldier A looks around.)
CLOUD: (as Soldier A, dumbly) Wait...I don't see any toast...
SOLDIER A: If he drives General Leo out of our battalion, he'll probably become the next general!
SOLDIER B: Don't make me laugh! If someone like him becomes a
general, I'll go home!
RENO: (as Soldier A) Uh, sir, this is the ARMY; you're not allowed to just fly off whenever you happen to feel like it.
SOLDIER A: Shhhhh! What if he hears you? You'll be jailed!
SOLDIER B: Alright, alright! Uh, oh... Here he comes... Back to the waiting zone!
CLOUD: (as Soldier B) Yeah, heaven forbid we should ever do any actual WORK...
KEFKA: Hey, you! You keeping a sharp lookout?
SOLDIER A: Yes, Sir. You're Kefka, correct? How are you, Sir?
AERIS: (as Soldier A) Can I lick your boots for you, sir?
TIFA: (as Kefka) Not until 3:00.
KEFKA: Please! Save your petty small talk! Just do your job!
YUFFIE: Whatever that might be!
(Kefka walks away.)
SOLDIER B: Phew...! Someone's gotta put that guy away! I'd like to tell him to his face he's no General Leo!
SOLDIER A: Shhhh! Do I always have to tell you to keep it down?!
You're hopeless...!
RENO: Yeah, "keep it down!" is what their neighbors yell every night...
AERIS: (smacks Reno over the head, knocking his headband crooked.)
SOLDIER A: ... I hate that weirdo, Kefka. I don't even think he's human, not like General Leo...
TIFA: (Documentary Voice) And here, you can see that the "Kefka is an Esper" theory of FF6 fanfiction actually DOES have some basis in the original game itself...
SOLDIER B: Agreed.
(A Commander arrives.)
CID: (as Commander) So? How do I look?
CLOUD: You look great, just like a man.
CID: (as Commander) I AM a man, you twit!
YUFFIE: I always kinda thought that ALL the Shinra Commanders looked female. Ya know, the helmet makes them look like they have long straight brown hair, and the armour seems to have a...ya know...figure...
COMMANDER: You two! We're about to storm Doma Castle... You will join the assault team!
(The Soldiers scramble.)
AERIS: Some eggs!
CLOUD: To go with their Toast.
TIFA: It IS time for breakfast!
RENO: ANY time's the right time for WAFFLES!
AERIS: At least he's not yelling, "ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK!!!!!"
RENO: Ha. Ha. Very. Funny.
(Inside the castle.)
DOMA SENTRY: It's hopeless. We can't keep them out.
CLOUD: (as Doma Sentry) Not that we've TRIED anything, like, ya know, locking the doors or pulling up the drawbridge...
DOMA SENTRY: So it's finally happening...
(Voice) A moment, Sir!
(A man walks in.)
(Man) Allow me the honor!
CID: Of your hand in marriage!
Faithful retainer to his family's liege, with the courage and strength of a hundred men...
TIFA: Really wussy ones, anyway.
(Name the man.)
ALL: Uhhhh....
YUFFIE: Fadil.
TIFA: Fadil?
YUFFIE: He's kinda Arabic-looking, so the MSTer picked a name to match.
CLOUD: Whatever.
CYAN: If we can fell their commander, they'll surely give up.
RENO: (snickering) At least he didn't say "FEEL" their commander...
CID: Cyan?! He's named after a COLOUR?!
AERIS: What about Red XIII?
CID: What about him?
CYAN: Let us give it a try.
(Outside the castle.)
DOMA SENTRY: Sir CYAN! Let their commander have it!
TIFA: (as Doma Sentry) I baked him a special cake for his birthday!
CYAN: I am Cyan, retainer to the King of Doma. I am your worst nightmare...
AERIS: Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Sophie and Andrei Ivanov. I am your worst nightmare, and the boot that is gonna kick your sorry ass all the way back to Vector, sweetheart! GOD sent me!
TIFA: Uh...are you all right?
(Battle with Commander.)
(Soldier) The general's been defeated! Run!!!
CYAN: Walled up in there, we can wait out our enemy!
(Back to SABIN and SHADOW, prowling through the base.)
CID: (announcer voice) And now, back to the Sabin and Shadow show!
(If you hit the box,)
Yeeeouch!
TIFA: Ya know, for a supposed strong-man, Sabin seems to HURT himself when he hits things an awful lot...
(Soldier) Who goes there?
No! A sentry!
(Hides inside the box.)
YUFFIE: (laughing) SABIN hides himself inside the box?
AERIS: "Sabin melts into a red liquid and pours himself in through the lock."
TIFA: He's a Changeling? Neat!
(Soldier) ...??? I knew I heard something...
Meoooow
CID: And now he's shapeshifted into a cat!
(Soldier) Just a lousy cat...
That was too close...!
CLOUD: Said the Random Voice from Nowhere!
AERIS: Frankly, I think Random Voice is pretty much my favourite character, so far.
(Further down the base, SABIN and SHADOW have to hide again.)
RENO: DOWN the base? Is it a tower?
YUFFIE: No, they just walk very strangely.
(Soldier) General Leo. The citizens of Doma seem to be playing a waiting game...
LEO: So, that's their strategy.
CLOUD: (as General Leo) And a damn unoriginal one it is, too.
(Soldier) General. We're ready to take the castle. Just give the order...
LEO: Patience! If we attack now, we'll have to sacrifice too many
RENO: Virgins.
(Everyone looks at him funny)
lives.
(Soldier) But, General! I'm ready to lay my life down at ant time for the Empire!
TIFA: What the hell is "ant time"?
YUFFIE: Join us again next week on "The Ant Show", starring your host, Adam Ant! Same Ant time, same Ant channel!
LEO: You're from Maranda, right?
(Soldier) Y...yes, Sir. Why?
CID: So I assume you know your rights.
AERIS: Rights?
CID: Your rights to wear funny hats covered with fruit at any time.
AERIS: That's CARMEN Miranda, and you're spelling it wrong!
LEO: And your family lives there? Fall in battle, and I'll have to deliver the bad news... What shall I saw to them? You have a life to go back to someday. Don't throw it all away for nothing. Emperor Gestahl wouldn't want that.
CID: Well, actually, he doesn't give a flying @#$# about you, but it still sounded like a good speech, what?
(Soldier) Yes, Sir!
(Another Soldier) General Leo! A carrier pigeon from Emperor Gestahl.
YUFFIE (as Leo) Why can't he just use the TELEPHONE like a normal person...?
LEO: What...? The Emperor summons me. I must return immediately.
(Soldier) I understand, Sir.
LEO: Right. I'll leave Doma in your hands.
CLOUD: (as Soldier) I don't think I'm strong enough to carry the whole kingdom by myself, sir.
RENO: (as Leo) It's a METAPHOR, you idiot.
(Soldier) Yes, Sir.
LEO: Okay... Just don't jump the gun. Please...
(Soldier) Sir! Leave it to us, Sir!
LEO: Right.
So that's General Leo... He would be my friend, if he weren't my
enemy...
AERIS: And that sentence would make sense, if only it didn't...
(Another scene develops in the same place, and SABIN and SHADOW have to hide again.)
KEFKA: Now that Leo's gone, I'll turn this water into a flowing river of poison!
LEO: The Emperor has ordered me to return home. I don't want any
trouble here!
TIFA: Wait...it said Leo was GONE...
KEFKA: You loser! I'll take care of this situation in no time!
LEO: Don't be pompous! And DON'T forget that they are PEOPLE, just like you and me.
YUFFIE: Actually, I'm not too sure Kefka is a people...
KEFKA: We need not spare those lands that gave rise to the Returners!
(Leo leaves.)
KEFKA: You just go and be a good little boy...! Is the poison ready?
TIFA: Ah, yes, poison. One of the truly essential tools of diplomacy.
(Soldier) But, General Leo said...
KEFKA: He's no longer here! I'm in charge now. Pour it!
(Soldier) Some of our people are prisoners inside the castle! If we poison the river...
KEFKA: Do it! Take 'em all out!
CID: Whoah, this guy is really a bitch, isn't he?
(ALL gasp)
CID: Aw, c'mon, I'm gettin' sick and tired of just saying random symbols all the time...
(SABIN and SHADOW jump out from their hiding place.)
That's inhuman!
RENO: (as Kefka, femmily) Ooooh! I burnt two fingers and I CRACKED a nail!
SABIN: Kefka! Wait!!!
KEFKA: "Wait," he says...... Do I look like a waiter?
YUFFIE: (buzzer noise) EHHH! Bad Pun Demerit, Kefka. Go sit in the penalty box.
CLOUD: He looks like a WaitrESS, maybe...
(Battle ends.)
RENO: Well, that was a short game. Seeya!
AERIS: (grabs him by his ponytail) NOT so fast, thief-boy!
Wait!!!
Wait!!!
(Battle with Kefka.)
TIFA: Uh...didn't we just do this?
KEFKA: Ha, ha, ha! What a toad! Yeouch!!
SABIN: Kefka! Wait!!!
KEFKA: "Wait," he says...... Do I look like a waiter?
CID: (British accent) Dejavu: The feeling that something has happened before...
(Battle ends.)
KEFKA: Huh!? How long do you expect me to put with you? Next time, you're a goner.
(Kefka talks to a Soldier.)
KEFKA: Oh, gripe! Hey! If you know what's good for you...
YUFFIE: "Oh, gripe!"? What were the translators ON when they made this game...?
RENO: Whatever it is, I want to know where they got it and how much it costs.
(Inside the castle.)
DOMA SENTRY: Sir CYAN! The Empire's base is bustling with activity.
CID: It's also hoopskirting and farthingaling with activity!
(AERIS puts her head in her hands and groans.)
TIFA: Ya know, not many guys would even KNOW the names of those articles of clothing...
Something must be up!
CYAN: Huh? The water looks odd...
(Seven posted Doma Sentries collapse and die.)
AERIS: And the script says it so CALMLY. "Just then, the world blows up."
YUFFIE: Actually......
TIFA: If I remember correctly, they fall down, one by one, not all at once, and do it rather dramatically. One guy even TOSSES himself off the battlements to die on the ground several stories below, for no good reason, other than effect.
DOMA SENTRY: Sir CYAN!
CYAN: This is...POISON!
DOMA SENTRY: What a lowdown, contemptible...!
CYAN: Guard our liege!
DOMA SENTRY: To the King, on the double!
RENO: (as Cyan) Actually, I was talking about the wine cellar, but, yeah, sure, guard the King too, whatever!
CYAN: Your Highness! Fear not!
KING: Who's there?
CYAN: CYAN, Excellency.
RENO: Yes! It is I, the Brave Knight, Sir Blue-Green, come to save you!
AERIS: And if he's a King, it's MAJESTY, not Excellency.
KING: Indeed! My sight is going fast... Can't see a thing...
CYAN: Excellency! Hang on!
KING: CYAN... You have defended the realm since my father's days...hack, cough...
CID: (as KING) I really should cut down to twelve packs a day...hack, cough...
YUFFIE: YOU'RE one to talk, Mr. Cigarrette-After-Every-Battle!
AERIS: And DURING battles...
TIFA: And during town scenes...
CLOUD: And during FMVs...
CID: Hey, hey, HEY! I always have a light for my dynamite at least, and THAT'S saved your sorry asses a few times!
RENO: In case you're wondering why we're all sitting in a different ROW from you, Cid...
Thank you... It's over... Our kingdom is through.
CYAN: Not yet, Highness!
KING: I fear for your family. Uhh...chest is on f...fire...
AERIS: (as King) And get my damn title right! "Highness" is for Princes and Princesses!
CYAN: Save your strength! Don't talk!
KING: Go...run to your family...hack...gasp.........
CYAN: Highness!!
(Doma Sentry arrives.)
TIFA: And immediately flings himself off the battlements for no apparent reason.
DOMA SENTRY: Sir CYAN!
CYAN: There have to be some survivors in the castle!
DOMA SENTRY: Let's split up...
CLOUD: (as Cyan) But how can we split up if I've never even dated you? Oh, right...
(In the chambers of CYAN's family. A woman and a boy are dead.)
AERIS: Aw....ummmm...
CYAN: Elayne! Elayne! Wake up! This... This...can't be happening!
(He goes over to the bed)
CYAN: ! Owain... NOT YOU TOO! Son...you can't BOTH leave me! D... Dear me... I...impossibl! Idiotic!!! We can't forgive this! The Empire must pay!
ALL: (moment of stunned silence).
CLOUD: Wow.
TIFA: That was actually quite sad. (sniff)
YUFFIE: They had real emotion in games BEFORE fancy CGI-polygon-based graphics.
CLOUD: (as a random person) Greetings! I am General Chartreuse, the greatest warrior of Crayolaland!
(Soldier) The enemy! Get ready, everyone!
SABIN: !
TIFA: Okay, Aeris, translate.
AERIS: In Final Fantasy-ese, if a character says "!", it means that they just did (here she bugs her eyes out and JUMPS suddenly in her seat, as if startled, putting her hand to her chest. She also does a quick gasp at the same time.) That.
(Battle)
CYAN: Ohhh! This is too much!
SABIN: Let me have at it!
CYAN: What a mess!! Be careful, Sir!!
(Battle.)
YUFFIE: Ya know, RPG combat looses something when you're not the one actually PLAYING the game...
CYAN: Urghh!!! Who released this poison?!
Look...we're gonna have to do this together!
CYAN: The thought had occured to me as well!
(Battle.)
CYAN: Thank you, kind sir!
RENO: (sarcastically, Cockney accent) May I have another?
SABIN: Allow me to thank you! I am SABIN, from Figaro. Now, let's scram!
CYAN: But what of my home, my family...my friends?
SABIN: Look... If we stick around any longer we'll have a regiment of troops down our throats.
TIFA: Hopefully not LITERALLY.
(Soldier) Got 'em! Over here!
SABIN: Hoo, boy... I have a great idea... Come over here.
(SABIN and CYAN run over to some suits of Magitek Armor.)
CYAN: Sir SABIN! What on earth are these?
SABIN: I'll explain later! Relax. Just climb in!
RENO: Funny, that's exactly what I usually say to my dates...
CLOUD: Does it ever work?
RENO: (hangs head, sighs) No.
CYAN: Sir SABIN! How might these abominations be manipulated?
CLOUD: (starts to try to imitate Cyan's speech patterns, but falls over on the floor snickering instead.)
SABIN: I'm getting sick of this! Thou art such a pain in the...! Confound it all! I'm starting to talk like you! Now listen! Just use those levers located by your hands.
TIFA: (giggling) I have to hand it to this game, that last bit with "Now I'M starting to talk like you!" was actually pretty funny!
(CYAN's Armor starts moving around in a fast repeating circle.)
CYAN: Sir SABIN!! It is I who is in your debt!
CID: Uh, I think he needs a few more lessons...
SABIN: Forget it. Now, come on!
(Soldier) Hey! What are you doing?
CYAN: Aaahhh! We can't stop now!
(CYAN rampages his Armor through some Soldiers.)
RENO: Wow, uh, great driving there, Aquamarine...
SABIN: Then let's just bust through!
End of the line!
CLOUD: (as Master Control Program) END OF LINE.
(Battle.)
There's nowhere to run!
(Battle.)
YUFFIE: (singing) Nowhere to run to, bay-beh...nowhere to hiiiide...
Who said anything about running?!
(Battle.)
(SABIN, CYAN and SHADOW return to the entrance of the base.)
TIFA: Which was kinda odd, seeing as how they were aiming for the EXIT...
SABIN: Can't believe we've made it this far... Say, how do we get to Narshe from here?
CYAN: Narshe, eh? Only one route, through the forest to the south.
SABIN: Alright! It's decided. Let's get going!
AERIS: (as Cyan) Uh, south be-eth THAT way, Sir Sabin.
(In the Phantom Forest, SABIN, CYAN and SHADOW come across a train.)
CYAN: A train's here!? But I thought Doma's railway had been
destroyed...?
SABIN: May be survivors inside. Let's take a look.
YUFFIE: Okay, show of hands. It's called the "Phantom Forest"; does anybody SERIOUSLY think they're gonna find live people on board the train?
(Nobody raises their hand.)
YUFFIE: Yep.
(Walking along the side of the train, SABIN sees an passenger
entrance.)
CID: How's he walking on the side of the train?!
RENO: Magnetic boots.
CID: Neat.
SABIN: Hey! We can get in right here!
CYAN: Sir SABIN!
CLOUD: (as Sabin) What?
SABIN: We can't just wander around out here! We have to go on board!
CYAN: Sir SABIN!
CLOUD: (as Sabin) What?!
SABIN: Don't worry!
CYAN: Sir SABIN!
CLOUD: (as Sabin) WHAT?!!!
TIFA: I vote we kill Cyan. Right now.
(Inside the train.)
SABIN: What on earth...?
CYAN: Let me off! This train's haunted!
YUFFIE: Well, DUUUHH...
(The train starts moving.)
SABIN: I...it's moving!
CYAN: If we don't get off now...
(SABIN tries to open the door he came from.)
SABIN: Won't open!
AERIS: Of course not! It's a rule of Movie Physics!
CYAN: We're too late.
SABIN: What's with this train?
CYAN: This is the Phantom Train... It carries the departed to...the other side.
TIFA: (as Sabin) Ya know...if you KNEW that, then why didn't you keep me from getting on the damn thing in the FIRST place?!
RENO: (as Adam Sandler's character from "The Wedding Singer") Again, information I could have used YESterday!!!
SABIN: Wait a sec... I don't want to go THERE!
CYAN: We all have to go sometime...
SABIN: I have things to do HERE. We have to stop this thing. Let's make for the engine.
CID: (to Cloud) Can you steer her?
RENO: No.
CID: Can you? (to Aeris)
AERIS: No!
CID: Good. We'll steer it together.
CLOUD: I can't either.
CID: I'd guessed.
(Finding a ghost.)
SABIN: What is it?
CYAN: Seems to want to come with us.
RENO: Tell it I'm not it's type, Tourquoise.
(Inside the manager's office.)
CLOUD: (as "Manager") "Oh, great, hoodlums again. I always get the worst shifts..."
IMPRESARIO: I manage this train! What business have you here?
Hmmm...
TIFA: Sabin just stares at the Impressario and goes, "Hmmmnnn...?"
(If you choose "Tell us about the train.",)
IMPRESARIO: This train ferries the dear departed to the "other side." There they can take their eternal rest.
AERIS: It's a lot like Costa Del Sol, only less expensive.
(If you choose "How do we stop it?",)
ALL: (imitating Barrett) THERE AIN'T NO GETTIN' OFF THIS TRAIN!
IMPRESARIO: Wanna stop the train? Just use the controls in the engineer's compartment!
YUFFIE: Of course, I won't tell you WHICH controls or where the Engineer's compartment IS...
(At a book on the table.)
CYAN: Be these time schedules?
RENO: Be this a fist up thine eye socket?
AERIS: Reno! Put that spiked knuckle-band away and calm down!
SABIN: Hmmm... They're all blank!
CLOUD: (as Sabin) Much like my head!
TIFA: Demerit! TOO obvious!
IMPRESARIO: The Phantom Train guides "the departed ones" to the spirit world. They have no need of schedules!
CID: Sure, ya still need schedules! Things like, "When's the next harp recital?" or perhaps, "When's the next fire and brimstone-walking lesson?" Ya know, stuff like that!
RENO: Do they have a watch with a minute hand, a millenium hand and an eon hand?
CLOUD: (singing, dramatically) In the afterlife...you'll be headed for the serious strife! Now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be HELL ta pay!
(At a switch on the wall.)
YUFFIE: All in all, you're just another switch on the wall.
SABIN: What's this? Let me just give it a...
CLOUD: Kiss...
CYAN: Sir SABIN! Maybe we shouldn't fumble with that!
(SABIN laughs and flips the switch.)
SABIN: Gave it my best shot.
CYAN: How can you...!?
AERIS: (as Cyan) You don't even have a gun!
TIFA: Now I'm REALLY glad Vincent isn't here...
(CYAN flips the switch back.)
RENO: Without having the faintest clue what it did in the first place...
CYAN: How could you...
SABIN: CYAN... You're not...scared, are you!?
CYAN: How dare you?! Just because I respect other being's property doesn't mean I'm not mechanically minded!
SABIN: CYAN... You're a total klutz when it comes to machines.
CYAN: SILENCE..! H...how could you tell?
CLOUD: (as Cyan) Not that thou'rt any great prize pig thine own self, m'lord.
CID: A ghost vendor?! Does it sell ghosts, or is it a ghost that sells things?
Howdy, folks. I have some great, value-priced items!
RENO: Straight from the seventh level of hell to you! And all it'll cost you is your immortal soul! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
AERIS: Reno...I'm asking you as a....um.....I'm asking you, don't DO that. You're close enough to a real villian to make it quite scary.
RENO: (waggles his eyebrows and smirks at her) Heh heh heh. Thanks!
(Inside a far left car. Leave the car, and a ghost blocks the
passage.)
N.o...e.s.c.a.p.e...!
(Battle.)
(Outside the car.)
Ha, ha, ha.. What ever did you think you were doing?
Huh!? Who's there!? It came from this direction.
(Ghosts are surrounding SABIN, CYAN and SHADOW from both sides.)
CLOUD: Wait a minute...unless I'm mistaken, to surroud THREE people you need more than "both" sides.
Whoa! They're coming...! This way too!
You can't escape... Nowhere to run... Nowhere to hide...
You can't escape... Nowhere to run... Nowhere to hide...
Bloody persistent...!
YUFFIE: And totally, like, musical, too! They're singing the same song I was doing earlier!
(SABIN, CYAN and SHADOW climb onto the roof of the car to try to escape the ghosts.)
CYAN: I believe we're stuck!
SABIN: I know!
CYAN: You have an idea?
SABIN: Okay... The time has come to see if all my training has paid off. Come, CYAN!
CID: (as Sabin) Bring me an apron, a spatula, and a dozen eggs!
CLOUD: He never said what KIND of training it was, did he...?
SABIN: Yahoooo!!
TIFA: eXcite! Google! Webcrawler!
(SABIN jumps across several cars, supposedly taking the other two with him. :)
AERIS: And here we see an example of the scriptwriter attempting to be funny.
RENO: And a happy face emoticon! ARRGGGH!! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE!
YUFFIE: Heck, later on, Sabin manages to hold up an entire HOUSE from collapsing for four entire freakin' minutes! If he wants to drag two people with him while jumping, I say, he can!
He breaks through the roof of one of the cars, falling down.)
Hey... Uh, oh...?
(A ghost is seen on the roof of the trailing car.)
Bloody persistent...!
We have to detach the rear train cars!
TIFA: Ya know, it would be nice to know who the hell is TALKING, every now and then...!
(Go in and flip the switch. The trailing cars are detached and slow down.)
Can't follow us now.
CID: They have a DINING CAR on the Train of the Dead?!
SABIN: Food! Food! Bring me everything ya got!
AERIS: Considering that this is the first time he's eaten during the entire game, I can't entirely say I blame him!
CYAN: A...are you going to be okay if you eat THIS?
SABIN: Worried? Can't wage war on an empty stomach!
CYAN: Hummm... Sir! I won't hear any more of this kind of talk!
Gobble... snarf... snap...
YUFFIE: Like, what lovely table manners Sabin has!
RENO: Snarf...wasn't he a character on "Thundercats"?
SABIN: Well! I've stuffed down all I can... Let's go!
(In a passenger's chamber further up the train. As a treasure chest is about to be opened,)
(Voice) Stop where you are!
(Man) I am Ziegfried,
TIFA: (as Ziegfried), And this is my partner, Roy!
the world's greatest swordsman! That treasure chest is mine. If I were you, Ox, I'd grab grandpa, here, and run!
YUFFIE: GRANDPA? If he's talking about Cyan, he's, like, 30-something at the most!
CID: Well, obviously this is written by people with the same mentality as the ones who decided to have YOU guys keep calling me an "old man" even though I'm only THIRTY-@#$#in'-TWO!
SABIN: You look more like a manicurist. Now SCRAM!!!
CLOUD: Hey, no, WE'LL riff the game, thank you very much...
(Battle with Siegfried.)
ZIEGFRIED: Aha! The ox bellows! Allow me to introduce my blade!
RENO: (as Sabin) EEewww, put your pants back on!
AERIS: (whaps him over the head)
RENO: (over his shoulder, to Cid) She just can't keep her hands off me!
(Siegfried strikes several times with very weak blows.)
ZIEGFRIED: Go!
Guys!!
Ha,
ha,
ha!
Give up?
TIFA: Do you give up? I have you surrounded!
(Battle ends.)
What a bag of wind...
SIGFRIED: Impossible! I...I'm the greatest...
CID: Wuss...
But I still laugh last!
SIGFRIED: Uwa, ha, ha! This treasure is mine! Ta ta, cretins!
AERIS: WAIT a zarking minute; when the hell did his name change spellings?!
(By the smoke stack.)
Press this switch and the train'll stop.
CLOUD: (makes screeching noise like a train going out of control)
RENO: (as "switch") So I lied.
(The switch is flipped. The train roars.)
PHANTOM TRAIN: So! You've been slowing my progress!
(Battle with GhostTrain.)
CID: And just when you thought these games couldn't get any @#$# goofier...
YUFFIE: This is nothin'. In Earthbound, you have to fight things like cups of cappucino and CDs, not to mention parking meters and rogue taxis...
PHANTOM TRAIN: I will let you go... ...but first there is something I must do...
(The train has stopped.)
CYAN: Hulp...where are we?
(SABIN, CYAN and SHADOW exit the car.)
SABIN: Hoo, boy! Finally got off...
AERIS: Not a word, Cloud. Not. A. Word.
RENO: (as Sabin) Man, TOOK you guys long enough!
(CLOUD and RENO slap high fives and Aeris smacks both of them.)
SABIN: We shouldn't be here. Let's go NOW!
(People to the far right are boarding the train.)
CYAN: No!!! Elayne! Owain!!
SABIN: CYAN! Is that your wife and child?
CID: (as Cyan) No, thou @#$*ing moron, they're total strangers. Of COURSE they're my wife and child!
CYAN: Please, wait!
(CYAN knocks SABIN off the plank while running toward Elayne and
Owain. SHADOW dives down to save him.)
CYAN: Elayne! Owain...
(Elayne) My love... You made me so happy. Don't forget me...
(Owain) Dad! I'll make sure Mom's alright!
(The train leaves. CYAN stands at the edge of the plank.)
(At Baren Falls.)
SABIN: This must be Baren Falls.
RENO: And this must be a scriptwriter who can't spell the word "Barren".
CYAN: To the south is the Veldt. Dangerous creatures there.
TIFA: Asps. Very dangerous. YOU go first.
SABIN: And the Empire's right on our tails.
CYAN: If we can slip through the Veldt, we can reach the town of
Mobliz, to the east...
SHADOW: I have served my purpose...
CLOUD: (as Shadow) Time for me to go and die now.
SABIN: Shadow!
SABIN: Thanks for your help! Let's join ranks again some time!
(SABIN and CYAN jump over the falls.)
(At the bottom of Baren Falls. A boy comes and inspects SABIN and CYAN.)
CLOUD: (as boy "inspecting" them) Tsk, tsk, tsk. You! Your shoelaces are untied! And YOU! You've got mud in your hair! Ha! You call yourselves soldiers?!
Draped in monster hides, eyes shining with intelligence. At youth surviving against all odds...
AERIS: Aw, lookie, it's Random Voice again!
ALL EXCEPT AERIS: HI, RANDOM VOICE!
(Name the boy.)
CLOUD: Mowgli.
CID: (snorting) From the Jungle Book? Damn OBVIOUS name choice if you ask me!
And you are?
(GAU runs away.)
______________________________________________________________________
(At the Wounded Lad's place in Maranda.)
RENO: Ah, the Wounded Lad! My favourite bar!
YUFFIE: I thought your favourite bar was the Turtle's Paradise?
RENO: My favourite bar is any place where they don't throw you out after 3:00 in the morning.
(Man) I'm from Maranda. The Empire invaded and me join their army.
AERIS: And English speaking me no good.
I fled when I heard we were making for Doma. They caught me...and did this... Now I can't move. I'll never see Lola again... On the desk is a letter. Will you please read it?
RENO: (as Sabin, reading letter to Wounded Lad) "Dearest Mark, whenever I think of all those passionate nights we spent together, I can't help but get a tingling in my--"
CLOUD: (as Wounded Lad) HEY, my name isn't Mark!
(Letter) I can't get used to imperial troopers walking the streets of Maranda, but otherwise things are okay. Flowers are blooming in the garden, telling me spring is here.
TIFA: "They say that flowers won't bloom in Maranda, but they have no trouble blooming here."
How are you doing? I'm so worried. I wish I could fly to your side! Rest, and know that I think about you constantly. Come back to me.
Lola
CID: "P.S. The cat died, our son flunked out of college and I am running off with the mailman. Have a nice day."
(Man) I'd like to write her back, but I can't even pick up a pen. Another letter arrived. Could you read it?
(Letter) I can't find your favorite record... I thought I'd play it and you'd be with me, but...
YUFFIE: (as letter) I just can't make myself STOMACH "Disco Duck"...
(Man) I'd give Lola everything... If only I could move...
(Man) Another letter arrived. Could you read it?
RENO: Geez, what ARE we, your freakin' SLAVES?!
YUFFIE: Uh, let's just skip this part a bit. Suffice it to say that if the PLAYER has enough patience to read all the letters out loud to the Wounded Lad, he gives you a really nifty special item. But you can get one later on from the Emperor if you play your cards right, which is what the MSTer did.
(If SABIN and CYAN meet GAU on the Veldt,)
GAU: Uwaoo~!! Ooh... I'm hungry!
(If you attack,)
AERIS: Awwww...meanies! Attacking a poor little starving kid!
GAU: Uwaou!! Waooo... ...ooo! You... ...strangers...! Go away! You scare animals!
(GAU runs away.)
(But if you give him Dried Meat,)
CID: He says, "What the @&*# is this stuff? I'm not a truck driver, you know!"
(GAU blinks in curiosity.)
RENO: Ah. Another Betelgeusian, I see.
SABIN: What the......
CYAN: Thou are so... ...odd. I'm CYAN and he's SABIN.
GAU: You SABIN...you CYAN, me want more food!!
TIFA: (as Cyan) What an odd name thou hast, Sir MeWantMoreFood.
SABIN: No more for you.
GAU: You go... ...get more for me.
SABIN: You're a regular munchkin!
CLOUD: (falls out of his seat laughing) And Sabin knows about "The Wizard of Oz"...how...?
AERIS: The same way we do: the Trans-Dimensional Pop Culture Reference Phenomenon!.
GAU: And you... ...afraid of me!
SABIN: You wanna fight?
GAU: Me not wanna hurt you......
SABIN: Stop looking at me like that!
(GAU and SABIN dance around.)
CID: How long has it been since we danced, Morticia?
RENO: Oh, Gomez. Hours!
SABIN: Wheeze... ...puff... ...! You're pretty tough!
GAU: Wah, ha! That fun! You strong!
(GAU and SABIN dance more, and GAU tires out.)
TIFA: Why the hell are they DANCING?!
GAU: Me like dancing! You good leader!
SABIN: Shut up!!
CYAN: Simmer down, sirs! And thou, o wild one... ...who might you be?
GAU: Thou?
(GAU searches around for "Thou".)
GAU: Thou! Thou! Thou! Thou! Thou! Thou! Thou! Thou!
AERIS: My god, does he REALLY do that?!
YUFFIE: Unfortunately, yes.
(CYAN turns around.)
GAU: You angry?
GAU: CYAN! You angry... ...me? CYAN! You angry... ...me? CYAN! You angry... ...me?
(SABIN pulls GAU off to the side.)
SABIN: Listen, his family was just......
GAU: Me understand... ...me sorry. Me not mean person......
CID: (as Gau) Me just very irritating person!
CYAN: Look! We can't have ye two prancing 'round all day!
CLOUD: (as Cyan) And takest off that sequinned ball-gown, Sir Sabin, pink is not thine colour.
GAU, I think we're going to get on well together. Why don't you join us?
GAU: Ah! I give you present! GAU give CYAN and SABIN nice gift in thanks for food!
SABIN: What manner of rubbish do you suppose he's gonna...?
GAU: GAU's treasure... ...shiny, shiny!! Shiny, shiny, shiny!!!
YUFFIE: (singing) Shiny, shiny, bad times behind me! Shiny, shiny, sha-na-na-na!
RENO: Yuffie, how old are you?
YUFFIE: Sixteen.
RENO: Do you wanna be seventeen?
YUFFIE: Yeah.
RENO: Then don't EVER sing that song again.
SABIN: Can anything be THAT shiny?
GAU: Does Mr. Thou like shiny thing?
ALL: Mr. THOU?! (fall over laughing)
TIFA: (gasping for breath) That...is actually...a pretty darn good..nickname...for him...
SABIN: Mr. Thou's that one, over THERE! A shiny thing, eh...? Think how jealous LOCKE's gonna be when he hears about this!
CLOUD: What IS he, a CROW?!
AERIS: Yeah, Locke's always grabbing little bits of tinfoil and coloured plastic, and carrying them back to decorate his nest...
GAU: Who be LOCKE? He bad man? Maybe he try to steal my treasure!
SABIN: LOCKE? Well, he's.....Listen when someone's talking to you!
CYAN: I think he's trying to tell us something!
SABIN: Urgh... ...alright... ...carry on......
RENO: What's the "urgh" for?
CID: I think the food he ate on the Soul Train is finally catching up with him.
(GAU points southward.)
GAU: Here! Here! Shiny thing here!!
SABIN. place where you buy food...it's called Mobliz!
CYAN, place where you stand... ...river brought you there......
Now, we go Crescent Mountain! Shiny thing there!
CYAN: Look. let's just go along with him to this Crescent Mountain.
(CYAN and GAU start leaving.)
SABIN: Phew... ...why'd we invite him along anyway...?
AERIS: Well, maybe the fact that he knows WHERE you're going and you don't, might have something to do with it...
GAU: Mr. Thou! Hurry up! We're leaving!!
SABIN: Hey! I told you once, I'm not Mr. Thou!!!
(In Crescent Mountain cave.)
(GAU makes signals. SABIN and CYAN are confused, but SABIN has a thought.)
RENO: I notice that the scriptwriter found that event unsual enough to point it out to us...
SABIN: CYAN! The shiny thing GAU spoke of is in here.
CYAN: Uh, Sir GAU, where exactly is it?
GAU: GAU...forget!!
(SABIN and CYAN are disappointed.)
SABIN: Shall we look around?
CID: (as Sabin) No, let's just stand here like idiots with our jaws gaping open. Of COURSE we're gonna look around!
CYAN: Indeed!
(GAU inspects one place.)
SABIN: Not over here...
(GAU inspects another place.)
CLOUD: Ya know, I notice that for all of Sabin's talk about looking for the treasure, GAU seems to be doing all the actual work...
SABIN: Tonic...
CYAN: T...this is Sir GAU's treasure?!
(GAU shakes his head.)
(GAU inspects another place. SABIN inspects, and GAU sneaks up behind him.)
GAU: GAU!!
(SABIN drops a pouch down a chasm. GAU laughs.)
TIFA: Scaring people to death is FUN!
SABIN: G'h! My pouch! There was 500 GP in it...!
CID: And now, welcome to another edition of "Name that Swearword"!
SABIN: GAU...YOU!
CYAN: Oh, dear. Sir SABIN, let me handle this.
SABIN: Urggggh!
(GAU inspects another place. He finds the underwater breathing
apparatus.)
AERIS: And a wild child, all alone in the middle of the veldt, in a low-tech world found this HOW...?
TIFA: Just smile and nod, Aeris.
CYAN: Is this it? GAU's "treasure"?
GAU: Treasure...yesss...
RENO: Yesss, my preciousss...we doess not like the light, nooo....
CYAN: Looks like glass...
SABIN: Looks like it just might fit...
SABIN: Hummm... Is it of any use? Will this really let us breathe underwater?
CLOUD: How the hell does ONE helmet let them all breathe at once?
RENO: Whoo, a tavern, yeah! Boy, could I ever go for a drink right about now...
AERIS: Reno, you could go for a drink ANY time.
RENO: And your point is?
(Woman) Ya met that odd man, lives near Lete River? His wife bore 'm a son thirteen years ago. It was a problem birth, and the woman passed away. The man totally lost it. He thought the newborn was a monster. Wonder what happened to the poor little baby?
CID: Ah, yes, RPG-land. Where you can barge into anybody's house at any time and they never mind; and where total strangers will just walk up to you and tell people's life stories at the drop of a hat.
(Woman) There used to be ships sailing to the southern continent. Tzen, Albrook, Maranda... They've all been smashed.
(Talk to the woman standing,)
(Woman) Yoo hoo! You handsome thing. How 'bout joining me? Tee
hee!
CLOUD: Hey, we're at the Honeybee Inn all of a sudden!
YUFFIE: I notice that there are an awful lot of women in this town. Where are the MEN?
TIFA: Maybe the scriptwriter just didn't find what they said interesting enough to bother writing it down.
CYAN: H...how dare you...you licentious howler!
RENO: Uh....licentious howler? I take it that's as close to "slut" or "bimbo" as they dared to get, back in the day...?
(Woman) Geez, don't blow an artery, baby!
CYAN: B...baby?!
SABIN: CYAN... Don't let it get to you.
CYAN: I'm not like that!
CID: (as Cyan) I would NEVER think of going after a WOMAN! Uh, wait a moment...what didst I just say...?
SABIN: No one thinks you are. Just let it go.
(Woman) Stop whispering! My ears are burnin' baby!
RENO: (singing) How can we sleep when our ears are burning...?
CYAN: Enough! Have you no shame? I'll have you know...etc...etc.
