By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo, but nothing THAT bad.
PART FIVE
Still in their various costumes, our intrepid and very unwilling riffers stand around the theater lobby, trying to figure out what to do.
"Okay!" said Aeris, striding up and down in front of the others, with her hair still dyed a rather unattractive shade of mint green, "Let's play a little game that the original host of MST3K, Joel Robinson, used to play with the 'bots sometimes. It's called 'What did we learn'?"
"How did YOU find out about that?" asked Reno suspiciously.
"I looked it up," said Aeris, shrugging. "Okay, if you MUST know, Rufus told me to do this."
A chorus of groans met her.
"Well, can you think of anything ELSE to do for this sketch?!" she challenged.
"I learned," Cloud cut in quickly, "that if you want to defend your castle, you should forget all ABOUT things like standing armies, and strong concrete walls, and spiked portcullises that can only be opened from the inside, and instead concentrate on: Really big, smelly, stupid, birds."
"And turn your castle into a submarine!" chimed in Yuffie.
"Yeah." said Cloud. "That's what I've 'learned' so far from this game."
"Good, good," Aeris nodded. "You've got the right idea, Cloud; the 'learned' things SHOULD be silly and sarcastic, not any actual useful advice. Cid?"
"I learned that you can sneak into a top-security military base very easily and learn all the enemy's secrets simply by hiding behind a tree! And that it's possible to poison an entire river with one, TINY, little vial."
"Tifa?" prompted Aeris.
"I learned that it's possible to eat the food of the dead without any ill effects, and that ghosts have absolutely no hold on a man who can jump REALLY high."
"I learned," smirked Reno, "that octopuses are purple and have a tendency to make very corny jokes, that if you talk REALLY goofy you can survive being poisoned, and that annoying little monkey-boys should be SHOT."
"And I learned that the rest of you obviously need to wise up a little!" Aeris rolled her eyes. "Now, let's get back into the theater! MOVIE SIIIIIIGGGGNNNN!!"
(They all pile in.)
TIFA: What was THAT all about, Aeris? That "MOVIE SIGN!!!" business?
AERIS: According to Mr. President-babe, that's also traditional from the original show.
CID: Well, don't do it again. My eardrums can't take it.
(LOCKE's scenario.)
(MOG) LOCKE has worked hard to stymie the efforts of the imperial
troops. But now he desperately needs to escape...
CLOUD: And to figure out exactly what the word "stymie" means before he does any more of it...
(LOCKE runs and hides from a Trooper behind a house. The Trooper gives up and returns to his post.
RENO: Yeah, it's not like it's the guards' jobs to actually, ya know, GUARD anything...
(Inside Duncan's wife's house.)
(Duncan's Wife) I'm sure there's a hidden passage under the rich man's house. Find the room that's drafty.
TIFA: (raises eyebrow) And she would know about the intimate details of some other guy's house HOW...?
(Talk to any Merchant.)
MERCHANT: You're that thief, LOCKE, aren't you?
LOCKE: Hey! Call me treasure hunter, or I'll rip your lungs out!
AERIS: Geez, now HE'S channeling Ivanova...
CID: Mmmm?
AERIS: (quoting) "And if you EVER do anything that stupid again, I will PERSONALLY rip your LUNGS out!"
CID: Ah.
YUFFIE: Wait, I've played this game, and I coulda sworn that the line was "knock your block off"...
(Battle with Merchant.)
(If LOCKE steals Merchant's clothing, Merchant becomes B.Day Suit. LOCKE puts on his clothes.)
RENO: And THIS is a side of Locke...
CLOUD: AND the merchant...
RENO: AND the merchant...that I never wanted to see!
LOCKE: Here we go! These are a little tight, but the price was right.
TIFA: Uh....thanks for sharing?
AERIS: I must say I feel a bit disturbed at the image of Locke in TIGHT clothes...
(Merchant) Wh...whew!! Sorry!
CID: (as Merchant) Geez, maybe I should get out of the middle of the street, considering that I'm naked now and all!
(Man) Avoid the armored soldiers! They have no sense of humor!
CLOUD: (as Locke) Okay! Thanks, whoever you are!
(Old Man) I don't like strangers. Bring me some cider, and maybe I'll
RENO: Refrain from leaving your body in several tiny pieces all over the stairs.
(AERIS edges away from him.)
talk to you.
(Boy) My grandfather was a servant for the richest man in town.
YUFFIE: Oh, yes, a long tradition of being _servants_. Now THAT'S something to be proud of...
Merchant, right? You may proceed.
(Man) Imperial soldiers are pigs! Green Suits live to brawl...
CID: Not with PEOPLE in them, just the green suits themselves.
RENO: If I wore something that ugly, I'D be in the mood to brawl, too!
AERIS: And we all know indigo is SUCH a stylish colour...
(Boy) Lower ranking soldiers like to brawl. Try humiliating them by stealing their clothes!
TIFA: This town is getting downright BIZZARRE if you ask me. Everywhere you go, you're being encouraged to strip people naked and take their clothes!
(If LOCKE steals Soldier's clothing, Soldier becomes B.Day Suit.
LOCKE puts on his uniform.)
LOCKE: Here we go! These are little too big, but they'll do.
TIFA: You can look again now, Aeris. Locke's not wearing tight clothes anymore.
AERIS: (looks up) Phew.
(Trooper With Magitek Armor) That clown, Kefka, is on the verge of invading Narshe.
CID: With bottles of seltzer-water and custard pies...
(Trooper) A detached force is making its way toward Narshe. We'll link up with them soon.
(Trooper) Time's up? Good! I'll take a break!
RENO: (as Trooper) Time ta hit the bar! Hic!
(Trooper) Never a dull moment... Time to guard the passage under the big mansion... Oh, well. Life is tough...
CLOUD: Yeah, dropping blatant hints for the player is SO tiring...
(Trooper) I heard there are two secret tunnels under the rich man's house. One leads out of town, the other to one of these houses...
RENO: (as Trooper) I believe it's Duncan's wife's house, actually...wonder why SHE would need a tunnel like that...
(Trooper) I heard they grabbed a famous general who turned traitor! She's locked up somewhere in this town.
TIFA: "Famous general"..."She"? WHOOO!! YEAH!!
YUFFIE: (evil gleam in her eyes) You just keep saying that, Tifa....and I'll go get the hair bleach during our next break. MWAhaha!
(Merchant With Cider) Hey you! Come to steal my cider! You thief!
(Battle with Merchant.)
Took the old man's cider!
(Old Man) Ah! Cider! Glug, glug, ... Huh? Secret passage? Well, there is one that leads to the rich man's house. Go downstairs and give my grandsom the password. It's...uh, um... I forget!
CLOUD: The password is "I forget"?!
YUFFIE: Ya gotta admit, not many people would think of that one...
(Boy) The password is...
(Choose anything besides "courage",)
You're an imperial spy! Can't fool me!
(Boy beats up LOCKE. He wakes up outside.)
CID: Gee, that Locke, what a hero, huh? Beat up by a little boy! (falls over laughing.)
LOCKE: Ouch!! I gotta steal me some new clothes, fast!!
RENO: (as Locke) Considering that the women are starting to point and scream everywhere I go!
AERIS: Do you EVER give up?
RENO: Nope!
(Else,)
Secret entrance.
(Boy opens the door.)
Good luck!
CLOUD: It's CALLED "Secret Entrance"? Nope, that won't raise suspicion. Nope, not a single bit.
(Inside the rich man's house.)
(Woman) The imperial troops have turned this house into their
headquarters.
TIFA: (as Woman) It's a bit crowded, but I stopped complaining once I learned that I could charge each individual trooper 300 bucks per night to sleep here!
CID: Hey, he's not the RICH man for nothing...
(Trooper) Thanks to our informer, this town fell instantly!
(Rich Man) Oh, what have I done?! I betrayed the town, and I didn't even need the money!
AERIS: (as Rich Man) But hey, did I ever start cleaning up ever since I turned the basement into a combination bar and casino!
(In the basement. LOCKE looks through the window of one of the doors.)
RENO: (as Locke) Yeeeoooowww! Hubba hubba! I didn't know you could DO that with your--
(AERIS smacks him).
LOCKE: I've seen her before... Of course! She's one of the Empire's generals!
(A Guard is striking a woman, who is chained to the wall.)
AERIS, TIFA, and YUFFIE: BOOOOOOO!!! HISSSSSS!!
(Guard) This's what happens to traitors!
Product of genetic engineering, battle-hardened Magitek Knight, with a spirit as pure as snow...
RENO: That's not what the other soldier say...
AERIS: WAIT a minute...genetic engineering...evil government...general...kicked herself out of the chain of command because she wanted to do her own thing...
YUFFIE: AND she has magical powers, which most people don't in this universe...
AERIS: Oh my freakin' GOD this sounds familiar!!
YUFFIE: Sure. Squaresoft has certain "roles" that they use in practically every FF game and some of their other titles, too. They mix them around, but they are definitely there. Here, General Celes is the "rogue bad guy with a tragic past and powers that he/she shouldn't have had" role that Sephiroth played in ours; in Chrono Trigger the closest analogue is probably Magus. Locke's got my part of the Mischievious Thief here; in FF5 it's Faris the Pirate Captain; Marle, Aeris, Rydia, and Terra all have similarities in their backgrounds, and so on, and so on, and so on. But the key difference here is that when Celes breaks off from the Empire, she doesn't go off and be bad in her own way on her own time; she turns GOOD.
(Name the woman.)
CLOUD: I don't wanna! You can't make me, stupid game!
(Guard) So, the mighty CELES has fallen!
CELES: How can you serve those cowards...
(Guard) Hold your tongue!
RENO: (as Guard) Or I'll cut it out and hold it for you!
TIFA: EEEEEWWWWWWwwwwwww!!
CELES: Isn't it true that Kefka's going to poison the people of Doma, to the east?
(Guard) Shuddap!
(Guard strikes CELES again, and she collapses.)
AERIS: BOOOOO!!
(Guard) I'd hate to be in your shoes tomorrow!
CID: (as Guard) Especially since magenta isn't my colour!
(Guard talks to the other Guard.)
(Guard) Keep a close eye on her!
(Other Guard) Yes, Sir! I can go for days without sleep!
CLOUD: (as Other Guard) I am a total caffeinne addict, sir! Got my cappucino maker right here!
(Guard leaves. LOCKE is hiding up in the raftors.
CID: How is hiding inside nasty killer dinosaurs going to help?
TIFA: That's RAPTORS, Cid; the scriptwriter just mis-spelled "rafters".
LOCKE enters. The Guard left to watch CELES has fallen asleep.
AERIS: Of COURSE. We all saw THAT one coming from a mile away!
LOCKE unshackles CELES.)
(If LOCKE is dressed as a Soldier,)
CELES: You're awfully short for a soldier...
RENO: (holding his head in his hands) Oh, no, oh, NO....!
CLOUD: "Aren't you a little...small, for a Storm Trooper?"
RENO: Oh, NO, I can't believe they actually DID that...!
YUFFIE: I TOLD you you'd regret making Star Wars refs!
LOCKE: Oops! Forgot I was wearing these clothes. I'm with the Returners. Name's LOCKE.
CELES: Returners!!! I used to be General CELES... Now I'm just a common
CID: Hooker...
traitor...
LOCKE: Let's go!
CELES: !? You'd take me along? Thanks, but no thanks. I can barely walk...
(CELES tries to take a few steps.)
RENO: Then, after she's faked just enough weakness to get Locke off his guard, she whirls around with lightning-speed and kicks his kidneys out through his ear.
CLOUD: And steals his clothes.
YUFFIE: Considering that embarrassing, ugly outfit the poor girl had to wear through the whole thing, I can't entirely say I blame her!
CELES: I'm grateful, but... Even if you got me out, you'd never be able to protect me.
TIFA: (as Celes) You being such a complete and total wuss and all.
No, I think I'm better off here.
LOCKE: I'll protect you! Trust me! You'll be fine!
(LOCKE winks.)
AERIS: Oh, that wink is REALLY reassuring! Licentious little howler...
LOCKE: Let's go!
CELES: Wait. This soldier has something important on him...
RENO: I'm not even going to speculate how she knows THAT...
TIFA: (as Tananda) There are more ways to frisk somebody than just with your hands, sugar! (wink)
(LOCKE searches the Guard.)
There's a clock key in his pocket... Took the clock key!
(Guard jumps up, scaring LOCKE.)
(Guard) ...'n some bread, too... Mumble mumble... ...more soup 'n...
CLOUD: Ya know, most people don't recite their grocery lists when they're asleep...
(If you try to go back upstairs, CELES stops LOCKE.)
CELES: This passage leads out.
AERIS: (as Celes) Of course, I was unconscious when they dragged me in here, and it was late at night, but trust me, I KNOW this place like nobody else!
(At the end of the cave to Figaro.)
LOCKE: Huh?
CELES: Something's coming outta the wall!!
AERIS: (hysterically) THEY'RE COMING THROUGH THE WALLS!! They're coming through the god..damned...WALLS...!
YUFFIE: You have GOT to stop watching Babylon 5.
(Battle starts.)
CELES: TunnelArmr!
CID: (laughing) Now, I know they only have a certain amount of spaces for names in these games, but you'd think she could at least PRONOUNCE them normally when she's just talking...!
I'll draw its magic attack. It won't hurt us.
LOCKE: Come again?!
RENO: Demanding little thing, ain't he?
CLOUD: (as Celes) But I haven't even slept with you the FIRST time...! Oh, right...
CELES: I can simply absorb the attack with my Runic Blade.
LOCKE: Are you sure you'll be okay?!
CELES: Just you watch!!
TIFA: Don't fear for my safety! I have a magic sword that I ordered specially from Plot Devices, Inc!
(Battle ends.)
LOCKE: Whew!!! Looks like we're in the clear!
(At Narshe's Elder's home. Elder, Arvis, Banon, EDGAR and TERRA are
RENO: In the hot-tub.
there.)
ELDER: I understand all of it... Except... How can WE be encouraging bloodshed?
CLOUD: I don't know, but it's just so much FUN!
ARVIS: I never said...that!
ELDER: Something like it.
BANON: He's right, you know.
ARVIS: Banon!
BANON: Our blood will spill because of you. Emperor Gestahl's racing to acqure Magitek power. He's set his sights on the Esper that was found here! The increased use of Magitek
power'll surely lead to global destruction...
CID: Well, that and aboveground nuclear testing...
ELDER: The War of the Magi... The mythical battle that set mankind back a thousand years. Can this really be happening? People will never learn...
(SABIN, CYAN and GAU arrive.)
SABIN: Brother!
(They walk in.)
EDGAR: SABIN! You're alright!
TIFA: (as Sabin) Aside from a number of major injuries, yeah!
(SABIN nods.)
EDGAR: Who's with you?
CYAN: I'm CYAN, retainer to the lord of Doma!
RENO: (as Edgar) Well, hello then, Sir Teal!
GAU: GAU...GAU!
SABIN: The people of Doma were wiped out by the Empire...
CYAN: Kefka poisoned...everyone...
ELDER: Barbaric!
BANON: Elder!
ELDER: But...that was only because Doma was collaborating with the Returners! If we make that mistake...
CLOUD: Ah, yes, the traditional "sit on your butt and do nothing" approach to heroism...
(LOCKE and CELES arrive.)
LOCKE: That's nonsense!!
TERRA: LOCKE!
LOCKE: The Empire's poised to attack Narshe right now!
EDGAR: What?!
BANON: LOCKE. Where'd you hear that?
LOCKE: CELES, here, was one of the Empire's generals...
AERIS: (as Locke) And she still is, so she's relaying every single word we say to them...um...whoops?
CYAN: Grrr! I knew she seemed familiar. Sir GAU, out of my way!
(CYAN tosses GAU to side, and GAU almost hits TERRA.)
CYAN: This's General CELES! She torched Maranda! She's an Imperial spy! Now, stand aside!
TIFA: Yow, this group is gonna get along REAL well...
(LOCKE stands between CELES and CYAN.)
RENO: And slumps to the floor, bleeding, with a sword in each side of his body...
LOCKE: Wait! CELES has joined the Returners! She's fighting with us, now!
CYAN: But...!
LOCKE: I promised I'd protect her. I WILL NOT back out on my word.
EDGAR: LOCKE... Are you still thinking about...that?
CLOUD: (as Locke) What? Women? Of course, don't you?
TERRA: I was also an Imperial soldier.
CYAN: WHAT!!
TIFA: This is NOT poor Cyan's day, is it?
EDGAR: The Empire's evil. But not ALL of its citizens are!
SABIN: Oh, this is...
(A Guard runs in.)
(Guard) Emergency!! The Empire cometh!!
(Outside of Narshe. Kefka is accompanying a troop of soldiers on their way to the city.)
KEFKA: I don't care what you do here, JUST GET ME THAT ESPER!!
RENO: (as Kefka) AND AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF TRANQUILISERS!!!!!
(Soldier) Lord Kefka! There're civilians here...!
KEFKA: Exterminate everyone!
(Soldier) But Narshe is neutral...
KEFKA: Idiot!! Read my lips!! Dispose of all who oppose us! March!
CLOUD: (as Soldier) Now THERE'S a guy who could use a good vacation...
YUFFIE: Cloud, this IS how Kefka relaxes and enjoys himself.
(Back in the Elder's home.)
ELDER: We really have no choice. Let's make ready for war!
BANON: They're after the Esper.
ELDER: We moved it into the hills.
EDGAR: Then we're going up after it!
RENO: (as Edgar) And I'm going to see if I can ask it out on a date!
TIFA: Reno, Point A: The Esper is a boy. And Point B: If you insult MY Eddie-poo ONE MORE TIME, I will remove your nose and nail it to your knee. Do I make myself clear?
RENO: (gulp)
(On their way to the Esper, EDGAR stops to talk to CELES.)
EDGAR: LOCKE has a complicated past. I wouldn't want to think he's fallen for you or something.
CELES: I'm a soldier, not some love-starved twit!
EDGAR: Cold as ice...
AERIS: What, just because she didn't respond to YOU, she's gotta be an Ice Queen...?
(Further up, CELES stops to talk to TERRA.)
CELES: So, you were born with the power of magic!? Isn't it a lovely gift...
TERRA: You...can use magic, too?
CELES: When I was a baby I was artificially infused with
CLOUD: Jenova cells, and then showered with Mako...
magic, and raised as a Magitek Knight.
CLOUD: I.e., read "SOLDIER First-Class".
CID: DAMN this is similar.
TERRA: Have you...loved anyone?
CELES: ??? What's that supposed to mean?!
(Further, CYAN stops to talk to CELES.)
TIFA: And Celes, meanwhile, is wishing everybody would just leave her the hell ALONE!
CYAN: Don't think for a moment I trust you!
CELES: Fine. Use your own eyes, then decide.
(A battle with Kefka's forces proceeds. After Kefka is defeated,)
KEFKA: Don't think you've won. Aack!! I won't forget this!
(Battle ends. Kefka escapes.)
(Up on the clifftop, at the Esper.)
EDGAR: That was a close call!
CYAN: Can it still be alive?
SABIN: Impossible...right?
RENO: You could always try...oh, I don't know...CHECKING, or something...?
LOCKE: TERRA!! What is it?
TERRA: Nooo!!
(TERRA and the Esper become fixed on each other.)
CID: Again. Give it up, Eddie-poo, she's already sold her heart out to a chunk of ice!
SABIN: TERRA 'n' the Esper...
EDGAR: There's...some kinda reaction!
TERRA: What!? What am I feeling?! Huh? W... ...what's going on......? Please... ...tell me! Who am I? WHO?!
AERIS: Geez...poor girl..
LOCKE: TERRA!
CELES: An Esper... ...I can actually feel its mind......
TIFA: (as Celes) GET your cerebellum off my hippocampus, pervert!
RENO: Tifa, that was bizzarrely twisted even by MY standards. Congratulations.
EDGAR: TERRA...... Step away from the Esper...
(TERRA and the Esper interact, and TERRA turns bright pink. She
starts spinning, then flies off screaming.)
YUFFIE: Naked.
CLOUD, CID, and RENO: ?!
YUFFIE: Yep. As far as I could tell, in the game, she was a weird glowy whiteish-pinkish humanoid thing with long wild hair, red eyes....and NO clothes. There weren't any lines or changes of colour and pattern to indicate where skin ended and clothes began, so as far as I could tell, she was nude.
CLOUD: Whoo-HOO!
YUFFIE: Ya don't see anything, though. She's built like a Barbie doll.
CLOUD: Darn.
(In Arvis's home. LOCKE is in bed.)
LOCKE: Unhh...
CELES: You're awake?
AERIS: Again, we've got people disturbingly hanging around in the bedrooms of people of the opposite gender...
LOCKE: ... Where's TERRA?!
CELES: She changed into a...something, and...took off. She looked like... She looked like...an Esper...
TIFA: (as Celes) And boy, was that EVER a weird plot-point we had back there...!
EDGAR: LOCKE! You okay?
CID: (as Locke) AAAAH!! Does EVERYBODY have to hang out in my bedroom?! I'm not dressed yet, SHOO!
EDGAR: Something happened to TERRA... There seems to be some
connection between Espers and her... Anyway, we need to find her. Witnesses saw her screaming across the sky to the west.
YUFFIE: I'd scream too, if I was flyin' around nekkid in front of everybody...!
LOCKE: Let's go! I promised her I'd...
RENO: Paint her house...
CELES: LOCKE...
EDGAR: Think, people! The Empire still wants that Esper.
SABIN: Banon needs our help, too...
CYAN: A former Imperial soldier... But we've no choice. We must help her!
EDGAR: Let's split up. Those who aren't searching for TERRA will stay and guard Narshe. Figaro Castle can shuttle us to the western province.
TIFA: Yes, Figaro Airlines! We love the ground...and it shows!
Then we'll make for Kohlingen or Jidoor.
(The party splits up. The player is allowed to choose to take up to four out of LOCKE, CYAN, EDGAR, SABIN, CELES and GAU.)
