By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo.
PART TEN
The six riffers poured out of the theater yet again, and literally "poured" in the case of Tifa, Yuffie, and Reno, who were dripping wet. (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, all you hentai-freaks, if you want to imagine Tifa's green halter-top (part of her Celes-costume) as sticking to her, go ahead. But if you imagine Yuffie's outfit sticking to HER, you are just plain sick and I want you to leave my website NOW. As for Reno...ladies, enjoy!) That bucket Aeris had thrown on them had contained a LOT of water. Very COLD water. The miserable, shivering and sneezing trio instantly bolted for the bathrooms to attempt to use the hot-air hand-dryers to dry themselves off, leaving a trail of dampness across the carpeted floor of the lobby as they did so.
"Well." said Cloud, looking around.
"Yes." said Aeris, looking back at him.
"Here we are, then." said Cid.
(Pause)
"Um...Mr. Rufus, Sir, do we really HAVE to do a sketch if there's only three of us here...?" whined Cloud. "I mean, it'll probably take the other three the entire break to dry off, if not longer..."
"That's Mr. SHINRA; Rufus is my FIRST name!" snapped Rufus. "I mean, Mr. PRESIDENT, to you. Hmmmm..." he said, thoughtfully. He flipped his hair. "Well, I think maybe I can...hey....no...wait! Sephiroth, NO! PLEASE, STOP! AAAAAAA!!!"
A horrified gasp sounded over the intercomm, there was a very loud, very odd sound effect, as if a piece of the universe had been temporarily sucked in upon itself, then the sound reversed itself in the theater's lobby, as if that piece of the universe had been spat out somewhere else, and a brilliant flash of light.
The entire screen went white, as it sometimes does during flashback sequences and whatnot in the FF7 game, and when Cloud, Aeris, and Cid could see again, there were three figures lying on the floor.
One of them, a tall, elegant young man in a dramatic flowing white trenchcoat over a black turtleneck shirt and white slacks, stood up slowly, blinking his azure eyes. He flipped his orange-blonde hair back and groaned. "Oh, NOOO...." Rufus Shinra looked around the lobby. "No, no, no. Sephiroth has NO sense of humour. When he heard that you might be temporarily short THREE riffers, he sent in the first three people he could find..."
"You mean, we're STUCK here?!" shrieked a very....ummmm...err...."statuesque" blonde woman, standing up slowly in such a way that every man in the lobby got a GREAT view down her extremely low-cut maroon dress. She staggered to her high-heel-clad feet, showing two entire black-stockinged legs as she did so, complete with lacey garters, since the long skirt was slit ALL the way up the side on BOTH sides. Scarlet pursed her red-painted lips and glared at Rufus. "Are you saying that WE have to make fun of the stupid game now? With THOSE losers?!" She snarled at Cloud, Cid, and Aeris. Aeris glared back. The two women developed an INSTANT loathing to one another. Of course, the four men noticed nothing of this.
"I'm afraid so," said Rufus, absentmindedly getting himself a bag of popcorn. "Hmmmn, good stuff..." (munch)
Scarlet spat on the floor and said something quite unbecoming the Head of Weapons Development.
The third figure, meanwhile, had stood up quickly and with no fuss, and was looking quietly around the room, not making a sound, just efficiently scanning for entries and exits. After he had determined that there weren't any, he turned around. He was a roughly 40-year-old Oriental man who looked younger, about 5'6" but quite a bit more deadly than you'd think, from his size. He wore a stylish, perfectly-pressed suit made up of a dark blue blazer, matching dress slacks, matching tie, polished black leather shoes, and starched white button-up shirt. His eyes and long, flowing hair were both obsidian-black and his skin was a light golden-brown. "No point in complaining about it." Tseng admonished Scarlet. "We are here. We shall deal with it."
"How come YOU'RE so calm?!" Scarlet turned on the smaller man. With her high-heels, she was a good deal taller than him.
Tseng straightened his tie, although it was already as straight as a tie could be. "I am a Turk." he said simply. "We can deal with anything. It's our job."
Rufus shook his head. "Um....." he said, unsure of himself, to our three good guys, "Are you three sure....I mean, do you think you COULD stand to be in the theater with us? Without beating us up or anything like that?"
"We're THINKING about it..." muttered Cloud.
"Oh, sure, no problem," said Aeris, discreetly stepping on Cloud's foot. "If it's only for one section."
Lights flashed and the theater doors opened.
"I see Seph has figured out how to work the controls..." muttered Rufus darkly.
"MOVIE SIIIIIGGGGGNNNNNNNN!!" shrieked Aeris, and they all piled in.
(In the throne room. A Chancellor arrives.)
(Chancellor) A message from the Emperor... Because you were able to talk to so many soldiers, you are to be rewarded as follows.
SCARLET: Slave-boys for the women, concubines for the men...
Imperial troops have withdrawn from South Figaro. In addition, our troops have also pulled out of Doma.
RUFUS: Considering that everybody in Doma is DEAD, what's the frickin' point of wasting valuable troops on it?
CLOUD: (to Rufus, surprised) You've been keeping track of the plotline?
RUFUS: (sad and mildly embarrassed) I got bored. Being a Mad in charge of a MSTing experiment isn't much more fun than being the experiment itself, let me tell you...Besides, it is the game RIGHT before ours, so, I was a bit curious.
We hereby give you the right to take any weapons you desire from the Imperial base to the east, near the sealed cave.
And this is from the Emperor himself... (Received Tintinabar.)
CID: What's a Tintinabar?
TSENG: I think it's a kind of drum.
AERIS: No, that's a timpani. As for a "Tintinabar", I have no freakin' clue! The only two people in our group who have actually PLAYED this game are Tifa and Yuffie, and they're both gone!
Your behavior at the banquet was impeccable. Please take this as well! (Received Charm Bangle.)
Well...
CLOUD: Is it just me, or is anyone else faintly disturbed by the fact that the Emperor is giving gifts of JEWELRY to a MALE...?
RUFUS: It's not just you.
SCARLET: Hey, where're my slave boys? With skimpy bejewelled leather loincloths?
AERIS: Don't make me hose YOU down, too.
TSENG: Wouldn't work. She'd ENJOY it.
(Chancellor leaves.)
(Around the town.)
EDGAR: Albrook's a port to the south of the Empire. A Magitek Armor hauling ship piles the waters between there and Crescent Island...
TSENG: It sounds like a very inefficient use of one's time to attempt to PILE water.
AERIS: That was supposed to have been "plies" the waters...I think...
We'll penetrate the Imperial base.
SCARLET: (batting her eyelashes) Oh, so is THAT what they're calling it these days...?
AERIS: (smacks Scarlet)
SCARLET: (smacks back) Don't even TRY it, honey. I'm the Queen of Slap.
AERIS: (in that super-polite, dagger-edged sweet tone that tells anybody in listening distance that blood is about to be shed) Oooohhhh, reeeeeaaaalllllyyy? 'Cos while I was imprisoned at the Shinra Headquarters Building, I heard that they call you the Queen of MMPH!
CLOUD: (with a hand over Aeris' mouth and an arm blocking Scarlet from standing up) LADIES! PLEASE! Calm down!
You deal with the Espers!
GESTAHL: General Leo's waiting in Albrook. Please head for Crescent Island and look for Espers...
CYAN: Never will I be able to forgive Kefka...
CID: (as Cyan) He...he said "Friends" was a stupid show! WAAAAaaahhhh!!
RUFUS: It IS a stupid show.
BANON: Could Gestahl have meant such a thing? Team up with the Empire to track down an Esper... Hmm...
ARVIS: Makes sense. Can't just forget about Espers...
RUFUS: Oh, yeah, I forgot my Esper's birthday once...and EVERY SINGLE year, she throws that ONE mistake back into my face...sigh...
SABIN: Can we really trust the Empire?! I have an awful feeling about this...
MOG: Kupo!
ALL: DIE!!
AERIS: Well, it's nice to know we can all find SOMEthing we agree on.
GAU: Smells like parents' house here...why so familiar?
TSENG: His parents' house smelled like steel, concrete, and heavy weaponry? Where was he raised, a fallout shelter?
CLOUD: (dramatic Announcer Voice) See "Blast from the Past 2", coming soon to a theater near you! Starring Gau as the boy who gets locked in a fallout shelter for 30 years! With happenin' music from the likes of The Swingin' Turks, the Setzer Gabbiani Orchestra, and Kefka and the Madmen! Soundtrack available from Chocobo Records!
AERIS: Not BEHIND the trees or AMONG them, mind you; IN them.
(Man) Oh, NO! Whew...don't SCARE people like that! I thought you were a trooper! A while ago someone broke into the Magitek Research Facility, and raised a ruckus! I took the opportunity to grab this. For 3000 GP this glowing stone's yours.
TSENG: Or...(lazily pulls a dagger out of his jacket-sleeve)...you COULD always give it to us for FREE...as a "gift"...
Recieved the Esper "Sraphim".)
Got an juicy gossip?
SCARLET: Yeah, the Emperor's got a new mistress, Celes posed for the September issue of "PlaySoldier", and Kefka was seen leaving the Allbrook Pleasure Palace in a state of considerable undress...
AERIS: Eeeww, that is an image I did NOT need.
[NOTE: If you wait to buy Seraphim much later in the game, the stone will only cost 10 GP.]
RUFUS: (singing) Sittin' on the dock of the bay...
LEO: There you are. Another of the Empire's generals and a person I hired in town will be traveling with us.
(Two people arrive.)
Let me introduce...
CLOUD: Rincewind and Twoflower!
AERIS: Neither one of them is a General!
CLOUD: So?
General CELES...and SHADOW.
LEO: Is something wrong?
LOCKE: No...
LEO: Our departure isn't till tomorrow. I've arranged some lodging for you. Please get some rest.
TSENG: (as Beloq) Please, sit down, before you fall down.
SHADOW: I'm working for the Empire. But don't worry... I'm not going to garrote you!
TSENG: (pulls a length of piano wire from out of his jacket and holds it up to the light of the movie-theater screen...)
SCARLET: (looking Tseng up and down speculatively) Exactly HOW much have you GOT hidden under that suit, my little raven-haired hottie?
TSENG: (smirks evilly) Lots. (Pauses JUST long enough to make her think he's actually hitting on her, then:) But YOU'LL never see any of it.
SCARLET: Hmmph. Not like I was actually INTERESTED or anything.
(At the inn.)
CLOUD: Just "the" Inn. True to RPG form, every town has only one Inn and EXACTLY one of each store. The various Sectors in Midgar notwithstanding, since they used to actually BE seperate towns.
AERIS: Actually, in Dragon Warrior 4, there's this one town that had TWO inns: One big fancy one, and a smaller, simpler one that was a lot cheaper to stay at.
CLOUD: Why the fancy one, then? Wouldn't any player want to stay at the smaller one and save money?
AERIS: Staying at the fancy one let you get into an important plot point and meet the next main player-character.
CLOUD: Ah. Okay, then, so the one-inn-per-town rule is true MOST of the time, not all.
General Leo told us about you. By all means...
(TERRA and LOCKE go to bed.)
SCARLET: Loud, strange noises and thumpings on the wall can be heard shortly thereafter...
AERIS (smacks her and then ducks when Scarlet tries to smack back.)
(That night on the deck of the ship. TERRA is alone. Leo arrives on deck.)
AERIS: So, she's alone, but Leo is there. Huh?
LEO: You alright? Looks like you're feeling better...
TERRA: Funny, isn't it... I was used by the Empire...even had my
thoughts ripped from me...
RUFUS: Yes, the new Thought-Ripper 2000! It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries! Out of your brain, that is.
AERIS: There's a quote from "Hitchhiker's Guide" here, but I am NOT giving in to it. Nope. Not at all.
But here I am cooperating with the "enemy"...
LEO: People are people.
CLOUD: (singing) So why should it be...you and I should get along so awfully...?
Not all of us are like Kefka.
TSENG: NOBODY is like Kefka. Heck, even KEFKA isn't very much like Kefka! Um...wait a minute...
TERRA: What...what's with you?
LEO: I knew you were being used as a kind of biological weapon...
CID: (as Leo) Watch out! I've got a loaded girl here and I'm not afraid to use her!
And because I didn't do anything about it, I'm no different than Kefka...
TERRA: I'm the product of a human and an Esper... Will I ever be able to love someone?
LEO: Of course!
TERRA: But...I haven't felt that way yet...
SCARLET: Oh, I've got some pills for that, honey. (Starts rummaging around in her purse).
RUFUS: (looks sideways at Scarlet) I didn't think you'd NEED such a thing.
SCARLET: Oh, it ain't for ME, Rufie-kins. It's for the MEN. So they can keep up!
CLOUD, CID, TSENG, and RUFUS: Gulp.
LEO: You're just young. ...but I understand what you mean. I
understand only too well...
(Leo leaves.)
TERRA: But...I want to know what love is...now!
CLOUD: (singing) I wanna know what love is...I want you to shoooow meee....
TSENG: If you sing ONE more word of that, I'll introduce you to my THIRD concealed weapon. Personally.
TERRA: Who is it?
(SHADOW arrives.)
SHADOW: Thought I'd sleep out under the stars.
TERRA: Did you hear... ...what we were talking about?
SHADOW: I didn't mean to overhear anything.
CID: Which of course means that he DID hear EVERYthing.
TERRA: Umm...
SHADOW: I can't help you. You must look within for answers.
TSENG: (mysteriously) When the long night comes, return to the end of the beginning. The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote. Beauty in the dark. Yes.
AERIS: Hey, you're a fan too? Neat!
SHADOW: TERRA. In this world are many like me who've killed their emotions. Don't forget that.
(TERRA leaves, and LOCKE arrives, nauseous.)
LOCKE: Urgh... Uooh... Argh...Ooh... Ohhhhhhh...I think I'm gonna...
(LOCKE vomits over the side.)
CLOUD: Notice that it's the sneaky scoundrely THIEF character who gets SEASICK. Too bad Yuffie isn't here...
LOCKE: Not a word of this to anyone else, o shrouded one...I think I'm gonna...
(LOCKE vomits over the side again.)
CID: This is making me REAL glad I haven't eaten anything myself for a while.
CLOUD: (singing) DDAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY-o. DAAAAAAAAAAYYY-o.
ALL: (same) Daylight come, and me wan' go home.
LEO: We're almost at Crescent Island. When we disembark, we'll split into two
SCARLET: Ouch!
groups. CELES and I will form one group. TERRA, you go with
LOCKE and SHADOW. If you spot Espers, report at once! TERRA, we'll continue yesterday's conversation later...
RUFUS: (announcer voice) Yes, it's Leo Industries! Bringing you yesterday's conversations...TOMORROW!
AERIS: (Celes as Beverly Crusher) Locke...there's something I've always wanted to tell you...
CID: And at this point is always when the bridge blows up, the Borg attack, or the universe folds in upon itself.
AERIS: Of course!
(In the town of Thamasa.)
(Man) Espers? What in blazes are they? If they're animals, talk to the old guy who lives on the edge of town.
TSENG: (as Man) We call him ol' "Sixteen-Cat McGraw."
(Behind the large house. A boy is playing with fire.)
AERIS: My, what RESPONSIBLE parents they have around here...
Uh?! What was that?
(Boy) FIRE!! FIRE!! N'ga Oh no!
(Boy runs around the corner.)
CLOUD: (singing) And he ran around the corner and he ran around the block, and he ran right in to the bakery shop...
(Behind old man's house.)
Uh?! What was that?
(Girl) Mama...it hurts...
TSENG: (as Girl's mother) Don't struggle, darling, and the branding iron won't hurt a bit!
AERIS: Tseng...I'm asking you...don't do that.
TSENG: (turns to Aeris all starry-eyed, as if he's just now truly SEEING her for the first time.) Oh, sure. I'll stop. Anything for YOU, Aeris...
(SCARLET makes retching sounds and mimes putting her finger down her throat).
AERIS: (to herself) Heh heh heh. Wrapped around my little finger...
(Woman) Oh all right. Cure...
(Woman sees TERRA, LOCKE and SHADOW, who wave.)
ALL: HI, LADY!
(Woman) ...medicine...where is my cure medicine?!
(Woman runs off.)
(Girl) Mama! Please use cure on me!
RUFUS: (as Woman) Dear, don't SAY that, I almost maybe sorta fooled the main characters into thinking we didn't use magic around here!
(Girl runs off.)
(At the old man's home.)
(Old Man) Watcha want with me?
TSENG: (as a missionary) Have you ever given serious thought to the salvation of your everlasting soul? Just take these pamphlets here and...
AERIS: You've got the right suit for it.
(Name the man.)
SCARLET: Huh?!
CLOUD: This game script asks you to name someone whenever a new player character shows up. Just smile and nod.
SCARLET. Oh. (Pauses thoughtfully) Can I name this one, then?
CLOUD: Sure.
SCARLET: Zifnab.
(ALL look at her)
SCARLET: (growing annoyed) It's from the Death Gate Cycle! What, you guys don't think I can read? I AM a cabinet member, you know! Geez!
[NOTE: This character's original name was STRAGOS, but the S at the end had to cut off to make the name fit the game's six-character name limit. In this script he will always be called STRAGOS.]
STRAGOS: Espers? Espers... Hmm... Not really familiar with that word.
LOCKE: But you've heard it before?
(STRAGOS is very tense.)
CID: It's from that high-pressure, fast-lane lifestyle of....um.....well, it's....uh....ya know....the, um, things...that he does...
STRAGOS: Nope, uhn, uhn.. Can't say I have. Honestly can't say I have!
RUFUS: (snorting) Oh, yeah, that sounds REAL sincere. Uh-huh.
That's odd...
(Voice) Grandpa!
(A girl comes downstairs and sneaks up behind STRAGOS, startling him.)
STRAGOS: Hey...HEY! What in blazes...what're you doing?
AERIS: (as Girl) Scaring you out of your wits. Why?
In her pictures she captures everything: forests, water, light...the very essence of life...
TSENG: DNA molecules, cells, blood...
CLOUD: How can you paint individual DNA molecules?
TSENG: They're very SMALL pictures.
(Name the girl.)
AERIS: Mira. Short for "mirage", because of her pictures being so realistic that they trick you.
SCARLET: Hey, that's a pretty name.
RELM: Grandpa. Who are these people? Friends? Can they use magic, too?
SCARLET: WAY better than her real one, in fact. "RELM"?! Bleh!
STRAGOS: Yaa! Hush!
(RELM sees Interceptor.)
RELM: What a cute doggy!
SHADOW: Get away. He bites.
STRAGOS: Go to your room!
CLOUD: Who? Shadow?!
TSENG: (as Stragos) Go to your room THIS INSTANT, young man, or there'll be no assassinations for you tonight!
CLOUD: (as Shadow, whiny) Awwww....
TSENG: (as Stragos again) And you can't watch "America's Most Criminially Insane" either!
RELM: I will not! What a fussy old man!
STRAGOS: Please...leave us!
RELM: Well...all right...
(RELM goes upstairs and Interceptor follows her.)
STRAGOS: Hoo boy... Seems to like your dog...
RELM: What a sweet puppy!
SCARLET: (as Relm) He'd taste great with a side-order of onion rings!
(RELM shuts the stairway door.)
STRAGOS: This is terrible...Sorry.
SHADOW: No problem. The dog usually doesn't like people, though...
STRAGOS: Please excuse her. She's just young.
AERIS: Unbeknownst to Stragos, Relm was actually a creature from the same dimension as Markie, and therefore was actually about 40 years old, while still looking like a cute little kid.
CLOUD: Hey, that would explain a LOT.
LOCKE: Hmmm...
STRAGOS: This is just a back-water village. We can tell you nothing about Espers...
LOCKE: I see...
(LOCKE, TERRA and SHADOW talk to each other.)
LOCKE: There's something wrong here...
TERRA: Let's have a look around.
(LOCKE talks to STRAGOS.)
CID: (as Locke) You don't mind if we go snooping all over your house and taking all your posessions, do you?
LOCKE: Thank you for your time!
STRAGOS: Sorry I couldn't have been more helpful!
SHADOW: Interceptor! Come!
(RELM comes back downstairs
TSENG: Since Interceptor is kinda holding on to her throat with his teeth, she has no choice...oh, sorry, Aeris.
as Interceptor returns to SHADOW.)
RELM: Oh, all right...
(The cost of the inn is 1 GP. :) But a scene unfolds in the middle of the night. STRAGOS rushes in.)
STRAGOS: This is awful! RELM...she's...
SCARLET: (as Stragos)...going through puberty!
AERIS: That quickly?
TERRA: RELM's in danger?
STRAGOS: Yes! She was at a neighbor's house when a fire broke out.
CLOUD: Uh...dude...did it ever occur to you that maybe Relm STARTED the fire?!
TSENG: Relm Arrowny IS Roberta McGee!
RUFUS: Hey, I wonder...if she drew a picture of a fire, would it really burn? And if she drew a picture of a light-bulb, would it light up a room?
AERIS: Iris's Talent of Illusion, from Xanth, had the same problems. Just don't think too hard about it.
I won't be able to stand it if something happens to her! Please! Won't you help?!
LOCKE: SHADOW!
(SHADOW turns in bed. TERRA, LOCKE, STRAGOS and Interceptor leave.)
SHADOW: Interceptor... Where are you?!
CID: (exasperated) Is that dumb dog the ONLY thing he cares about?
(Outside.)
STRAGOS: RELM's inside that house! RELM!!!!!
(STRAGOS starts casting.)
TSENG: I hardly think this is an appropriate time to go fishing, sir!
LOCKE: What're you doing?
STRAGOS: Flames BE GONE!!!
CLOUD: Yes, it's new Flames-B-Gon, a revolutionary new product from Ronco! With the new cooling-action attachment!
(Mayor runs over.)
TSENG: ...Stragos with a very large truck.
MAYOR: Magic is forbidden!
TERRA: Magic...?!
STRAGOS: I don't care! RELM's inside!!! Flames BE GONE!!! Mayor!!
MAYOR: All right. We really have no choice. Stand back.
RUFUS: (as Mayor) I am so scared. This is such an emergency. Wow. Look at me go. I am trying to help out now.
STRAGOS: Flames BE GONE!!!
MAYOR: Flames BE GONE!!!
(Woman) Flames BE GONE!!!
(Fire gets worse.)
AERIS: Um....looks like you guys were actually casting the "Flames GET BIG!!!" spell by mistake...
STRAGOS: It's no use. The fire's too strong!
MAYOR: I think that's because they keep so many Fire Rods in here...
STRAGOS: I'm going in!
TERRA: Wait... I'm going too.
LOCKE: Count me in. You'd better stay here, gramps.
STRAGOS: Fool! I may be old, but I'm not powerless!
(Fire gets even worse.)
CLOUD: Okay, so DO something about it already, don't just stand there ARGUING! Sheesh...
(In the center of the house, there is a strange fire monster.)
SCARLET: As opposed to a perfectly normal fire monster.
CID: Is that related to a Perfectly Normal Beast?
Is this the source of our blaze...?
(Battle.)
STRAGOS: RELM!!! Where are you?!
(Interceptor pulls RELM.)
TSENG: INTO the fire.
STRAGOS: RELM!!!!!
(Fire gets even worse.)
Uwaaa! Too late!
(Everyone is unconscious.)
CLOUD: Um....I think if you got trapped in a burning building, surrounded by huge flames everywhere, you'd end up a lot WORSE than just "unconscious"...
(Little flames are gathering around TERRA, LOCKE, STRAGOS and RELM. SHADOW arrives, and slits through and destroys the little flames.)
SHADOW: Let's get outta here! I'll use a Smoke Bomb!!
RUFUS: (as Locke) Dude...we have MORE than enough smoke in here already!
(At STRAGOS and RELM's home, upstairs.)
STRAGOS: Are you okay?
TSENG: (Relm, as Homer Simpson) I'm...fine...just my...bones...and...major organs...
RELM: Yes. Thanks, Grandpa.
STRAGOS: Save your thanks for these people.
RELM: Thank you...
CID: Intense...thanking...ACTION!!!!
STRAGOS: I guess our town's little secret is out now...
LOCKE: Can everyone here use magic? What's going on here?
STRAGOS: This is... ...the village of the
TSENG: Damned...
Mage Warriors...
(Surprise.)
STRAGOS: Long ago humans used Magicite to gain magical powers. They came to be known as Mage Warriors.
LOCKE: But I thought they perished centuries ago...
CLOUD: Except for Celes, anyway...and possibly Kefka...
STRAGOS: After the War of the Magi, the Espers fled to their new world behind the sealed gate. They wished to live peacefully, without fear of being used by humans. They left us here to fend for themselves.
But we were dispised by normal people. Everyone felt we had begun that war... They sent people to hunt us down like animals. There weren't even trials...
SCARLET: Yikes. Salem witch-hunts all over again!
AERIS: How DO we KNOW about all this stuff, anyway?!
TERRA: Even though the only difference was that you could use
magic...?
STRAGOS: A few Mage Warriors escaped and found their way here. They were our ancestors. Our powers have weakened over time, but some of it remains.
TERRA: Look, if you're up to it, we could use your help.
STRAGOS: SO, you're after Espers, eh...? Well, I owe you for saving RELM. I'll help you find your Espers.
CID: (as Stragos) Besides, Maduin owes me 50 dollars...
RELM: Me too!
STRAGOS: I don't think so.
RELM: What a fuddy duddy...
LOCKE: But...where do we start looking?
STRAGOS: Hmm... If they're here, they must be hiding in the mountains to the west.
LOCKE: Why there?
CLOUD: Because they're as difficult to get to as possible without actually leaving this area. According to RPG rules. Duh!
STRAGOS: Those mountains have powerful magical properties. They say the Espers were created there...
TERRA: Maybe they're drawn to that place?
(SHADOW and Interceptor leave.)
LOCKE: I think it's worth a look.
(In the Crescent Mountains, at a room with three metal statues.
TSENG: IN the mountains?
AERIS: Another transporter accident, I see...
STRAGOS is shocked.)
STRAGOS: I can't believe it... The Statues...!
TERRA: "The" Statues?!
LOCKE: Some faint letters are carved on the back of the stone
figures...
CLOUD: (as Locke, reading) It says, "If you can read this, you're too clo-AAAAAHHHHH!!!"
LOCKE: Say, old man, what else can you tell us about these goddesses?
(RELM comes in, but sneaks out immediately.)
RUFUS: Well, that was interest--huh?!
STRAGOS: They quite literally created magic, as we know it.
AERIS: OH MY GOD! They're at The Source of Magic! This really IS Xanth!
TSENG: Except that I'd rather look at three Goddesses than the Demon X(A/N)th, any day.
CID: So, that would make Thamasa the Magic Dust Village, then?
AERIS: Hey, yeah!
LOCKE: So they're the goddesses of magic, then?
STRAGOS: You could say that.
(RELM sneaks back in.)
TERRA: I can feel their power...
TSENG: Terra's eyes begin to glow red and she snarls as her body morphs and ripples into Chaos, the horrible demon...
AERIS: Good thing Vincent ain't here. And Terra DOES morph into a...something, from time to time, by the way.
STRAGOS: The Statues are the source of all magic. It's said the Espers made these images, and put them in a very special place. These represent power beyond all comprehension...
TERRA: Our Espers no doubt came to this island to bask in all this magical power!
RUFUS: What, are the Espers reptiles now?
CID: Some of them...
LOCKE: Say, old timer, what happened to the stone goddesses?
STRAGOS: Legend has it that they're hidden somewhere beyond the reach of humans. I'd say they're beyond the sealed gate...
TERRA: I wonder if the barrier that protects that place is generated by those stone goddesses?
LOCKE: Phew...what a story.
CLOUD: NO-one will be seated during the intense EXPOSITION SCENE!!
TERRA: If the Espers were attracked here by these statues, they must be around here somewhere!
SCARLET: "Attracked"? Uh, wait, is that "attracted", "attacked", or "tracked"? I'm confused...
LOCKE: I think it's worth a look.
(Left Statue) The birth of magic... three goddesses were banished here. In time they began quarreling, which led to all-out war. Those unlucky humans who got in the way were
TSENG: ...given Lifetime Passes to the Golden Saucer...
transformed to Espers, and used as living war machines...
(Center Statue) The Espers created these statues as a symbol of their vow to let the goddesses sleep in peace. The Espers have sworn to keep the goddesses' power from being abused.
CLOUD: And to kick the goddeses' butts for what they did to them...I mean, really!
(Right Statue) The goddesses finally realized that they were being laughed at by those who had banished them here. In a rare moment of mutual clarity, they agreed to
RUFUS: Order a pizza.
seal themselves away from the world. With their last ounce of energy they gave the Espers back their own free will, and then transformed themselves... ...into stone.
AERIS: Ah, great, it's Polom and Parom all over again.
CID: Who?
AERIS: Don't ask.
Their only request was that the Espers keep them sealed away from all eternity.
(Ultros drops in, falling on the others.)
ALL: G'YAAAAAHHH!! Don't DO that!!
SCARLET: You're goin' about your business, finally think you're havin' a good day, and BOOM!--someone drops an octopus on you.
ULTROS: G'heh, heh... these shiny statues are all mine! These'll get Ziegfried's attention!
CLOUD: Why would anybody WANT to get Ziegfried's attention?!
ULTROS: Oh! They're glowing!! They're...beautiful!
LOCKE: Hey, squidball! Don't you ever learn?
ULTROS: Uh, well they always said I was a slow learner...but I eat FAST!!
TSENG: Ultros is in the "Special" class at Octopus School...
(Battle with Ultros begins.)
ULTROS: I was just thinking of you... I've more lives than I do arms!
AERIS: In that case, he should have been dead before they even met him the first time, because octopi don't have arms, they have TENTACLES.
CID: Nitpick, nitpick...
ULTROS: Hope I'm not making a nuisance of myself! So sorry!
ALL: You ARE! Shut UP!!
RELM: Grandpa! I'm here...!
STRAGOS: RELM! I told you to stay home!
RELM: I couldn't miss the chance to practice my drawing! Say,
sweetie, who are you?
ULTROS: How dare you! I'm Ultros!!
LOCKE: RELM and Ultros...... What are you doing... ...?
SCARLET: EEEEWWW! Am I the only one who was rather disturbed by that line?
AERIS: I _wasn't_...
RELM: Listen, Ulty...... Why don't you pose for me?
RUFUS: Strike a pose, there's nothing to it! (Flips his hair as only he can.)
ULTROS: I'm not one of your kiddy friends! Don't talk to me as if I were!! I don't want a portrait!
RELM: Forget it! I don't wanna draw it anymore! It's okay...... I'll just jump down here!
TERRA: No!! You can't do that!!!
(TERRA goes over to RELM.)
Whisper, whisper......
TSENG: (as Relm) That's fine, but don't you think it would have helped me out more if you had actually said WORDS, instead of just "Whisper, whisper........."?
TERRA: How dare you bother that little girl! I'm not going to forgive you if you hurt her!!
ULTROS: Well, whadduya want I should do?
LOCKE: Ask her to draw your portrait. She may actually make you look pleasant!
CLOUD: (snickering) Yeeaaaah, right, THAT'S gonna happen real soon...
LOCKE: Don't be so heartless!
ULTROS: .........
.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
Oh, all right, Uncle Ulty REALLY wants you to do his portrait!!!
CID: DAMN that's a lot of dots!!!
RELM: Hee, hee, hee... You're gonna love it!
STRAGOS: At any rate, come here!
(RELM sketches Ultros's portrait, and the image attacks Ultros.)
RUFUS: WHOAH!
CLOUD: (sings) Well, you know my name is Simon, and the things I draw come true...
ULTROS: How can this be...? I...I'm nothing more than a stupid octopus!
(Ultros leaves. Battle ends.)
RELM: Hey! Did you see me? I was awesome! Wouldn't I be more
helpful than Gramps?
AERIS: This girl is SO Yuffie. "Oh, man, I bet you're scared of the idea of fighting me again, huh? Well, I can take ya on! Go ahead! Try it! Coward! Oh, _I_ know why ya want me, it's my special skills, huh?"
CLOUD: Heh heh heh. You do that TOO well.
STRAGOS: G...GRAMPS!!?
TERRA: I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have you along...
STRAGOS: All right already! If you insist...
RELM: That's better!
______________________________________________________________________
(TERRA, LOCKE, STRAGOS and RELM find the Espers in a cave.)
RUFUS: ALL of them? The entire race? In ONE cave?!
RELM: Are these...Espers?!
(Esper scares RELM.)
STRAGOS: What about you?
TERRA: I didn't think they'd look so...
TSENG: Fluffy...
LOCKE: Gramps, take RELM and clear outta here!
YURA: Halt!
(The Esper Yura and TERRA form a connection.)
SCARLET: Geez, they just barely met!
RELM: What is it?
STRAGOS: I sense some immense magical power in TERRA... It...
frightens me...
LOCKE: I wonder if she's gonna go ballstic again?!
CLOUD: "Go ballistic"--code-name for when Terra turns into her naked glowing pink-thingie flying Esper form.
YURA: You're somehow different... I sense a familiar power radiating from you...
TERRA: Yes.
STRAGOS: You're the Espers that flew through the sealed gate?
YURA: As a rule, we are not allowed to visit to your world. We few had gathered near the gate, and were wondering how we could save the Espers that had been kidnapped. It was just a coincidence that TERRA appeared when she did...
TSENG: (as Yura) You're just in time for our annual Halloween festival! We dress up as Humans and go from door to door, begging pieces of bark or bags of pixe dust, it's great!
TERRA: I felt...your presence...through the gate.
YURA: We bolted the moment TERRA opened the gate. But once in your world, we lost control of our powers. We completely leveled a city...and took some innocent lives...
CID: (as Yura) It was fun!
TERRA: That's what happened to me! I lost all control of my power...
RUFUS: And leveled a city?
CLOUD: No, not yet, anyway...
STRAGOS: There must be something in your world that allows you to focus your power differently. You must use caution while in our world...
YURA: We are deeply sorry to have caused you humans such suffering and pain.
SCARLET: (as Yura) So here's a quarter. Go call someone who cares.
LOCKE: The past is history. The Empire seems to want to talk peace with you. Why not come with us?
YURA: They would forgive us so easily?
AERIS: No, they'll probably imprison you and try to drain you of your powers again...like, DUH...
(LOCKE nods.)
LOCKE: Let's go to Thamasa and talk with General Leo.
TERRA: Right!
The lights come up and the movie screen goes dark.
