By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13, for language and innuendo.
PART NINE
(Author's Note: I apologise for the song. It's an extremely OBVIOUS parody that EVERYBODY else in the universe has already come up with, before me. But even if they did come up with the name, I doubt that everyone actually wrote out all the words for it in parody form. And even if they DID do that, I think I'm probably the first one to use this particular song to DEFEND Yuffie, a hated character. So anyway...enjoy.)
"And now!" announced Tifa loudly, still in her "Celes" costume, as she walked up to the front of the theater's lobby, "Allow me to present, for your listening pleasure, fresh from her mega-sucessful tour of the Esper World, the singing sensation, your favourite and mine...MADONNA!!"
Canned applause rang out, the lights darkened, and a spotlight appeared dramatically on a small, skinny figure on the stage. (The same one they used earlier for the opera). YUFFIE, of all people, stood there, dressed up in a Marilyn-Monroe-style blonde wig, retro-40s' makeup, a long poofy pink satin dress that was low-cut in front, pink high-heeled shoes and absolutely tons of sparkly jewelry. (Just take my word for it. Actually, the ORIGINAL skit I wrote here was a parody of the raid on the Magitek Factory that had Reno and Yuffie dressed up as Ifrit and Shiva, so...don't complain...(I erased it because it just wasn't funny, in case anyone is wondering.))
"Players hate me,
Fanfics kill me,
I think that's okay.
'Cos I know words can't really hurt me,
No matter what they say-ay!
They can plot and they can scheme,
But they can't see the light!
'Cos the girl with the throwing-star
Will always win the fi-hight!
'Cos we are livin' in a Materia world,
And I am a Materia girl,
You KNOW that we are livin' in a Materia world,
And I am a Materia girl!
"Some say I steal,
Some say I squeal,
But it's all for my hometown!
And those who match up me and Vince
Are such a bunch of clowns!
Some say I lie,
Some wish I'd die,
So why, then, do they play?
If I really annoy them that much,
They can walk awa-hay!
'Cos we are livin' in a Materia world,
And I am a Materia girl,
You know that we are livin',
In a Materia world,
And I am a Materia girl!
(Instrumental solo bit. Yuffie struts around the stage a bit, trying to do the squeaky "OH!"s that the original Madonna does during this part, but the others start throwing various objects at the stage, some of which are deadly, so she quickly stops.)
"Some say I sneak,
Some say I'm weak,
But I don't understand,
'Cos I can kick their worthless butts
With nothing but my hands!
And everybody's livin' in a Materia world,
And I am a Materia girl,
You KNOW that we are livin' in a Materia world,
And I am a Materia girl!"
(The music fades out, the lights go back to normal, and Yuffie staggers off the stage, blushing bright red.)
"There, Tifa, I wore an embarrassing costume and did a stupid skit, you HAPPY?!" snarled the little ninja, throwing her blonde wig on the floor.
"You were supposed to do a 'Madonna' song parody that had something to do with the plotline of Final Fantasy SIX." admonished Aeris.
"You weren't supposed to defend YOURSELF!" said Tifa, glaring at Yuffie. "What WAS that?!"
Yuffie shrugged. "Dunno."
"What's wrong with Vincent?" Cloud wanted to know.
"Nothin'." Yuffie shrugged again. "It's just that I do not know what is UP with all these Yuffie/Vincent romance fics! I mean, REALLY! There was never ANY indication of our characters having the SLIGHTEST interest in each other, I'm hardly Vincent's type, he's not MY type, and for pete's sake, I'm only SIX-FRICKIN'-TEEN!! I'm a MINOR!"
"You do realise that if any Vincent/Yuffie people come and read this MSTing, they're gonna want the author's head on a pike." Cloud said, a bit worried.
"UM, HELLO?!" came Rufus's by-now-expected Dramatic Booming Voice from the ceiling. "The fourth wall? Remember what that is? Hell-LO?!"
"Bite me, Rufie-babe!" smirked Yuffie.
Rufus opened his mouth to say something else, but just then the theater doors opened and the game started back up again. "MOVIE SSIIIIIGGGGGGNNNNN!!" shrieked Aeris, and they all piled in.
(At the gates of Narshe.)
We've been waiting for you.
CLOUD: (singing) Come and knock on our door....we've been waiting for you...
This way, please...
(In Elder's home.)
BANON: Oh, you're here! The people of Narshe have decided to battle the Empire. How did it go at Vector...?
ARVIS: I see... Your plan would combine Narshe's money with Figaro's machinery to storm the Empire...not enough manpower, though...
AERIS: Hey, that was a pretty good guess of Arvis's there, considering that they didn't SAY anything...!
TIFA: Maybe Arvis is telepathic?
AERIS: He'd have to be a bloody P12 to do THAT!
BANON: We have to open the sealed gate...
(TERRA arrives.)
TERRA!?
TERRA: To the Esper World...?
TIFA: (rolls her eyes sarcastically) No, the sealed gate to Twinkle Park. YES, the Esper World! Geez...
ARVIS: We'll never beat the Empire without them.
BANON: When the gate has been opened, the Espers can attack from the east. We'll storm in at the same time, from the north.
CID: (as Banon) Of course, the Espers will probably attack US, but hey...
No way around it. We MUST get the Espers to understand. We have to establish a bond of trust between humans and Espers. Only one person can do this...
YUFFIE: And his name is...Captain Fluffypants Hogbottom the Third!
TERRA: ... Half human, half Esper... My existence is proof that such a bond CAN exist...
RENO: Actually, the only thing your existence proves is that sometimes, human women can get REALLY desperate...
I'll do it. I'm the only one who can!
CLOUD: (as Terra) It has absolutely NOTHING to do with my being the main character! Nope! Nothing at all!
BANON: Get the Espers to understand, and we can bring this war to a screeching halt.
AERIS: A "screeching" halt? I think the war needs to get its brakes checked!
TERRA... I know you can do this...
ELDER: Our battle lies before us. We must make ourselves ready.
ARVIS: The sealed gate stands at the eastern edge of the Empire.
There's a base there, but somehow we'll have to slip through...
(In the treasure shed.)
(Man) G'whoa! I've been made!
RENO: Ummmm......thanks for sharing?
I am Lone Wolf, the pickpocket! I wanted that treasure!
(As the party chases Lone Wolf, he backtracks every now and then to see if they've given up or not.)
AERIS: Of course. He's an RPG antagonist. He can NEVER just run away as fast as he can, get into a vehicle, whatever, and KEEP running, he always has to give the players a chance to catch up with him, because it's part of the plotline.
TIFA: And no matter HOW long the player takes; even if the player goes off and makes a sandwich and doesn't come back until half an hour later, the characters will ALWAYS still be able to catch up to him, at a specific spot determined by the script.
YUFFIE: What I want to know is what kind of idiot comes up and TELLS you, "Hi, I'm a thief!" I mean, at least Locke and I both use some variation of "treasure hunter"...
LONE WOLF: G'heh!
Persistent, aren't you!
(At the top, by the frozen Esper, Lone Wolf has a Moogle hostage.)
LONE WOLF: Halt! Don't move or this one's dust...!
RENO: (chanting) Toss him! Toss him! Toss him!
YUFFIE: Hey, what's with you?
RENO: They annoy the hell out of me, okay? They make my teeth itch! All they ever say is "Kupo", it's like they're @#$&ing PIKACHU or somethin'!
MOG: Kupo!!
LONE WOLF: G'heh! Got a wild one, here...! Uwaaa!
(Lone Wolf and MOG are hanging off opposite edges of the cliff.)
LONE WOLF: Grrrr... You'll never get this "Gold Hairpin"!
CLOUD: Ummmm...throwing yourself to your death just to keep somebody from having a treasure seems a LITTLE drastic...
(If you save MOG instead of Lone Wolf,)
RENO: But only an idiot would do that...
TIFA: Hush, he's a useful character. Sometimes. WAY better than Cait Sith, anyway.
CLOUD: But that's not saying much.
MOG: Thankupo!
(Surprise.)
Can you talk?!
MOG: That old psycho, Ramuh, came to me in a dream and told me to be expectin' you! And now... I'm...gonna join your party!
CID: (as Mog) Whether you like it or not! BWAHAHAHAHA!!
LONE WOLF: Hmmm...if this is how it's gonna be then...take this!
(Lone Wolf falls down the cliff.)
AERIS: I'll say it again: That is one ODD way to threaten somebody...
MOG: I'll wait in the airship, kupo!
RENO: When next the party had a chance to return to the airship, they found nothing but Setzer complaining about how hard it is to get Moogle entrail stains out of velvet, and not a sign of Mog anywhere...
LOCKE: Beyond is the Esper World...
(If SETZER is there,)
SETZER: Why'd you bring me to such an awful place!?
CLOUD: (as Setzer, whiny/foofy) I mean, grey roiling clouds like, totally, ya know, clash with my cool jacket, and there just ISN'T like a single casino or gift shop anywhere, ya know?
YUFFIE: He gets better. He REALLY does. I'm tellin' ya. Our author's version of Setzer was one serious butt-kicker by the end of the game. He could hit hard with ordinary weapons, had almost EVERY spell, including Ultima, and was one of the four who finally took down Kefka!
TERRA: ......
(Kefka arrives behind them.)
CID: (as Kefka) BOO!
OTHERS: (as good guys) AAAH! Don't DO that!
TERRA! ...the gate...quickly! K... ...Kefka!! You followed us!
KEFKA: U'hee, hee, heeee!!!! The Emperor was right! Let TERRA fall into your hands,
AERIS: Eeeeewwww....I'd rather NOT imagine ANY woman falling into Kefka's hands, thank you very much...
RENO: I'd fear more for the MAN who fell into his hands.
and you'd open the gate for us...! ......! How does
it feel to know you've been working for us?!
CLOUD: (deep, official voice, as if he's interviewing someone for a job.) Now, what do you think are your best qualities? What do you feel you could bring to Shinra, Inc. that no-one else could?
KEFKA: Now I fear you've outlived your usefulness......
You'd better think again, Kefka!
YUFFIE: Yes, I, Random Voice Man, will stop you!
KEFKA: Oh dear...... You wanna fight me?! This is just dreadful!
Keep Kefka busy until TERRA slips through the gate!!
AERIS: I DO wish we knew who the hell was talking here...
(When TERRA opens the gate,)
Look...
The, the door's opening!
TERRA: Espers... Please head my call...
CID: (as Espers) A collect call from WHO? @#$* no, we won't accept the charges! Hang up!
AERIS: This is nitpicking, but..."head" the call?!
KEFKA: It opened!!
TERRA!!!
KEFKA: I, I, I, I feel so anxious.
YUFFIE: (speak-singing) I-I-I-I-I-I need, I need, you...
RENO: If you do that again, you'll see exactly WHAT Mr. Zappy here can do...and I don't need batteries to just thwonk you over the head!
CLOUD: (confused) "Thwonk"?
Something's coming!!!
AERIS: "They're coming through the walls! THEY'RE COMING THROUGH THE GOD...DAMNED..." oh, whoops, sorry, I did that one already...
(Espers start to fly out past their heads.)
KEFKA: Frightful energy!
CID: (stuffy British accent) FRIGHTfully energetic, these Esper chaps, wouldn't you say, old bean?
TIFA: This reminds me of that scene in "Ghostbusters", where the portal comes open and all the ghosts stream out into the world. Later on, the main characters find them scattered all over the city, causing all kinds of individual chaos.
YUFFIE: Yep, that about sums up what just happened here, too.
KEFKA: Uwaaa!
TERRA!!!
TERRA: .........
(Rocks above the gate crumble and block it.)
CLOUD: Well, that was convenient!
Hey! The gate!!!
What about those Espers...?
TERRA: Look, let's return to the airship.
______________________________________________________________________
(At the Imperial base, the party meets up with the others they left behind on the airship.)
What happened?
The Espers flew off together...
AERIS: Awww, how romantic...
Then, the Empire's citizens ran off, as though they were terrified.
Which way did the Espers go?
Toward the capital... Vector...
(On the deck of the Blackjack.)
SETZER: We're almost at Vector.
There! What's that?
LOCKE: What's wrong, TERRA?
TERRA: I can feel it...... It's coming closer and closer...
RENO: (as Terra) The full moon...when I must turn into a savage beast and rip out the throats of mere men...
LOCKE: What do you mean you can feel it?
TERRA: It was... ...glowing!
AERIS: Okay, so it's glowing, and she can FEEL it. If this turns into that one Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic where light somehow made NOISE, I'm outta here.
LOCKE: What's that? It can't be... ...! An Esper??? It's coming!!! Watch out, TERRA!!
(LOCKE throws TERRA to the floor.
RENO: Whoo-HOO!! (Leans forward on the edge of his seat.) I've been WAITING for something like this! Okay, maybe I'd rather it was Celes instead of Terra, but hey...
Espers are flying around. SETZER approaches to see what's going on.)
CLOUD: (as Setzer) Gee, what are all those strange noises and those weird glowy things zooming around the ship--OH, MY GOD, nobody wants to see THAT! Please, put your clothes back on!
SETZER: What was that!?
TIFA: Setzer's used to hearing women say that to him...
YUFFIE: HEEEEEyyyy...leave Setzie-babe alone!
LOCKE: SETZER, get down!
(LOCKE throws SETZER to the floor.)
RENO: Whoo-HOO!! Three-way! YEAH! I didn't know Locke and Setzer swung that way, but hell, it's all fun!
AERIS: (raises hand to strike him, then gives up) Ya know, that last part DID sound kinda dirty, out of context, didn't it...?
YUFFIE: (sighing dreamily) Setzer...in a romance scene...with his clothes off....mmmmm....(she blisses out and falls alseep, with a smile on her lips.)
SETZER: Gulp... ...Espers... ...!
CID: (as Setzer) Now, where'd I put my pants...Ah, hell with it, I'll fight nude! My hair's long enough, I'll just do that Lady Godiva routine...
LOCKE: Where are they going?
TERRA: They were mad......
LOCKE: They seemed... ...angry.
RENO: They wanted to join in.
AERIS: Okay, now, THAT'S enough.
TERRA: No...... Stop...! Please, don't go!!
SETZER: Forget that... ...what's with this vibration?!
RENO: (falls over giggling) VIBRATION?! Oh, come on, nice Flower Lady, please, pretty pretty please, the game is just GIVING me this one...!
AERIS: No!
Is it from the Espers?
EDGAR: Um... ...SETZER!!!! I've lost control!!!
RENO: FOUR way? And that is NOT something I needed to know about Edgar...
TIFA: Edgar AND Setzer..the two most gorgeous guys in the whole game...naked....mmmmm....(she blisses out as well.)
AERIS: GET your mind out of hentai mode, Reno! You too, Tifa and Yuffie! (She grabs a huge bucket of ice-water from nowhere and splashes it all over the three of them.)
RENO, TIFA, and YUFFIE: (jumping about a mile into the air) EEEEEK!!
(The Blackjack crashes near Maranda.)
CLOUD: Yeah, with everybody on board having an orgy, nobody was FLYING the damn thing!
(At Vector. The city is in flames. Banon, Arvis and many Returners and Narshe Guards are wandering around the city.)
CID: Yeah, the first thing I do when my city catches on fire is to wander around it vaguely...the HELL?!
BANON: What ARE you talking about...? ......!! Talking with...Espers...?
ARVIS: It was like this when we got here.
YUFFIE: (giggles) And how many arsonists have used THAT line in court, I wonder...?
(Chancellor) The Emperor's expecting you. This way...
______________________________________________________________________
(At the throne room. Gestahl is there.)
GESTAHL: I've lost my will to fight...
(Cid comes out of a door.)
TIFA: Again, not out of the doorWAY, out of the DOOR.
AERIS: Ouch.
OUR CID: Oh, great, he's here again? Wake me when his scene's over...
CID: The Emperor's had a change of heart...
RENO: (darkly) The Emperor has the heart of a small boy...he keeps it in a jar on his desk!
Cid!!
CID: The Espers came to save their friends. When they learned the others had perished, they went berserk, and trashed the town... Never will I forget their shrieks of rage...
CLOUD: Their shouts of mild annoyance, their screams of itchiness, their moans of--
AERIS: Enough.
(Sentry) We're hanging up our weapons and armor for good.
YUFFIE: Um, armour and swords don't fit on coat hangers...
GESTAHL: The power of those Espers... I had no idea... They'll shred the world...! We must get them to understand that we are no longer at war.
TIFA: You know, shredded world tastes really good on your tacos...
CID: No human's going to make them sit down and listen...
GESTAHL: But for now my friends... Let us feast and rejoice!
CLOUD: Now THAT is an odd non-sequitur if I ever heard one.
CID: There're some people here who'd prefer to keep fighting. Please, before we dine, talk to as many soldiers as you can! Make them understand!
RENO: Use truncheons and teargas if you have to!
(Trooper) Please talk to as many soldiers as you can. You have four minutes before dinner.
[NOTE: Because of time restraints during this scene, I couldn't
transcribe the words of the soldiers, but I did get the words of
Kefka, in his jail cell.]
KEFKA: Grrr! How DARE they put me in a place like this! I don't believe this!
(Kefka jumps around, wasting the player's time, and occasionally
laughing maniacally.)
CLOUD: That pretty much describes what Kefka does ALL the time, actually.
That Evening the banquet with the Emperor took place...
(In the banquet room. Gestahl, four Chancellors, and the party are seated.)
(Soldier) This way, please.
CID: You can count me in as a Returner!
(Cid sits in the remaining seat on the Returners' side.)
RENO: Cid is promptly blown into small, bloody chunks by the guards for treason. But, since he admitted his treason openly and honestly of his own free will, they blow him into small, bloody chunks in a humane manner.
[NOTE: This dinner has several variations and is very interactive, but I decided to only use the best version; the one that gives you the most points.]
AERIS: You can get points from a DINNER? What, did the Emperor pay for it using food stamps?
YUFFIE: By the way, the parts that aren't said by Gestahl and appear to be random words coming out of nowhere are where the player chooses how to answer Gestahl's questions/comments.
GESTAHL: Imagine! All of us here together, sharing a meal! First we must have a toast!
RENO: Ah, sweet, sweet booze! I'll drink to that!
To our hometowns...
CLOUD and TIFA: To Nibelheim!
AERIS and RENO: To Midgar!
YUFFIE: To Wutai!
OUR CID: (waking up briefly) To Rocket Town! (falls asleep again).
GESTAHL: Well then... To our hometowns!
GESTAHL: As you know, Kefka's in jail for his war crimes. What shall we do with him?
CLOUD: The Death of a Thousand Cuts is always a good one...
Leave him in jail...
GESTAHL: Hmm... Well, let's let him stew in his cell for a while. Then we'll decide what to do.
RENO: Maybe we'll teach him how to make soup once he's done with the stew. Or perhaps a nice jambalaya...
GESTAHL: I truly apologize about the poisoning of Doma. No one dreamed Kefka would use poison.
TIFA: Yeah, it's not like anyone could tell that he was, ya know, CRAZY, or anything...
That was inexcusable.
GESTAHL: I'm so terribly sorry! Kefka's being severely punished, and we're cleaning up the poison.
AERIS: (as Gestahl) We're scrubbing it with Liquid Tide and soaking it in lukewarm water...
GESTAHL: By the way... With regard to General CELES...
CLOUD: (as Gestahl) Have you seen this month's issue of "Playsoldier", yet? RrrrOOWWR!
CELES is one of us!
GESTAHL: Kefka was lying. General CELES realized the war was stupid before anyone else. That's why she joined the Returners. Any other questions for me?
CLOUD: Yeah. What kind of stupid name is "Gestahl?"
TIFA: Does Kefka have some kind of a glandular problem, to make him laugh like that?
AERIS: You do realise that this dinner isn't fooling any of us into thinking you're actually good, don't you?
YUFFIE: Why is everything in Vector such a depressing shade of grey? I thought villians were supposed to have a sense of style!
OUR CID: (waking up briefly again) How come nobody is putting out the @#$#&%ing FIRES?! (snore)
RENO: And while we're at it, why did Constantinople get the--(AERIS clamps a hand over his mouth).
AERIS: No ripping off other people's jokes, Turk-Boy!
Why'd you start the war?
CLOUD: (as Gestahl). Dunno. Sounded like fun.
GESTAHL: My desire for power got the best of me. Now I've come to my senses. With your permission, I'd like to talk about the Espers...
One more question please!
Why do you want peace now?
YUFFIE: Because peace is good for business! Or is that, "War is good for business"? I always get those two mixed up...
GESTAHL: I feel we need each other's help at this time...
One more question please!
Why'd we have to talk to your men?
RENO: (as the Emperor) Because I'm just too shy to ask them out on a date myself! Tee hee!
GESTAHL: Some of my men refuse to embrace peace. I felt they'd understand if they actually met you face to face.
Let's talk about Espers...
GESTAHL: My Empire's been decimated by the Espers that emerged from the sealed gate. They're acting spiteful.
AERIS: (in disbelief) SPITEFUL? Burning down entire towns and ripping people's heads off is SPITEFUL? What exactly would this guy consider EVIL?!
Unless they're stopped, they'll rip the world asunder!
Yes, the Espers have gone too far.
GESTAHL: After the Espers went on their rampage, I knew I couldn't go on with my war. I asked myself why I had started it in the first place. By the way... About those questions you asked me... Which did you ask first?
AERIS: What, the one about the flower arrangements?
"Why'd you start the war?"
GESTAHL: Right. Anyway, more than anything I want peace. That's my true dream.
CLOUD: (as Gestahl) That and a big bucket of mint chocolate chip ice cream...
I want you to understand that!
CID: You seem a bit tired. Care for a rest break?
Yes, let's take a break.
RENO: Yeah, that sounds good. (He stands up to leave).
AERIS: NOT yet, Turk-Boy. (Grabs him by his ponytail, yanking him violently back into his chair.)
RENO: OWIE! (rubbing the back of his neck) That hurts, you know!
AERIS: (smiling evilly) Good.
CID: All will be put right if we can achieve peace...!
(Chancellors) We want to test your strength! Won't you fight us for a couple of minutes?
TIFA: Um...I see these are the rather more ACTIVE type of Chancellors...
Sure.
(Battle.)
(Chancellors) Just as we thought...
YUFFIE: You're a bunch of complete and total wusses!
Shall we begin again?
GESTAHL: Is there anything you wish to hear me say?
CLOUD: Sing "The H.M.S. Pinafore", in its entirety!
That your war's truly over.
RENO: (sarcastically, as a typical parent) Oooh, when it's cleaning its room without being asked and finishing up it's homework it's YOUR war, but the instant it mouths off it's suddenly MY war...!
GESTAHL: I understand. I've ordered this war to be over! Now I must ask for a favor...
OUR CID: (as Emperor, embarrassed) Can I...um...borrow some underwear from you, Ms. Terra? I seem to have lost all my favourite pink thongs...
GESTAHL: After they devastated my Empire, the Espers headed northward, toward Crescent Island. They must be found...! We must tell them we're no longer their enemy. After all that I have put them through, it is up to me to set things right. This is why...I need to borrow TERRA's power. Only TERRA can bridge the gap between Esper and human.
CLOUD: How do we know if she's a witch? Build a bridge out of 'er!
GESTAHL: We must make for Crescent Island aboard the freighter from Albrook. Will you accompany me?
Yes.
GESTAHL: I'll have mu finest warrior accompany us! General Leo!
(Leo arrives.)
ALL: Hi, Leo!
LEO: I'm General Leo. Nice to meet you. I'll be waiting for you in Albrook.
GESTAHL: We must find the Espers and come to terms with them! You are our last hope!
LOCKE: If TERRA goes, I'll go.
TERRA: LOCKE...
AERIS: (as Terra) Stop treating me like a brainless invalid, okay?!
Thank you...
LOCKE: The rest of you wait here. I smell a rat...
EDGAR: agreed... It's hard to trust the Emperor just like that...
CYAN: We'll stay here and investigate.
LOCKE: Please do. Leave no stone unturned!
TIFA: And no turn unstoned!
EDGAR: Right. And you be careful!
The lights come up and the screen goes dark.
YUFFIE: Ah, time for another break. Let's move it on out, people!
