By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo.
PART ELEVEN
Cloud, Aeris, Cid, Rufus, Scarlet, and Tseng walked back out into the theater lobby. The three "good guys" were only mildly annoyed, since they had gotten used to MSTing by now, but the three Shinra people looked totally exhausted. Even Tseng, who prided himself on the fact that he could deal with ANYthing, seemed a bit drained--his golden-brown skin tone had faded to a sickly yellow.
"GYAH!" gasped Scarlet. "How do you guys STAND this? This was the TENTH part? You've done NINE of these, already, before we got here?!"
"Yep." said Cloud.
"The story's not that bad, actually," said Rufus, thoughtfully flipping his hair back out of his eyes. "In fact, I'm quite interested in what will happen next; it's just that...the dialogue is so HOKEY sometimes...and things are worded in odd ways that make you wonder what the scriptwriter was ON at the time..."
"The really hard part is that you have to be funny every now and then, no matter WHAT is going on," commented Tseng, who had gone back to normal now. "And maybe a Turk is supposed to be able to handle ANYthing, but I am just not a funny man. For me, that almost _hurt_."
"Oh, I don't know, Tseng, _I_ thought you came up with some good ones," said Aeris encouragingly.
"Really?" His eyes lit right up. "Thank you, Aeris..."
Aeris turned around so he couldn't see her face and winked at Cloud and Cid.
"Please, take us back, Sephiroth!" Rufus pleaded with the intercomm speaker. "We're just not cut out for this! We'll work harder at being evil sidekicks, I swear!"
Just then, Yuffie, Tifa, and Reno stepped back out of the bathroom. They all looked relatively normal now, except that Reno's hair was out of its ponytail and hanging loose around his shoulders (so as to dry better). They looked at the three newcomers with a good deal of surprise.
"Uh...Mr. President?" wondered Yuffie aloud. "What brings you here?"
"Don't ask. Just. Don't. Ask." said Rufus.
"NIIIIiiiice outfit, cutie," smirked Scarlet, looking Reno up and down in a VERY obvious manner. He blushed as red as his hair. "And as for YOU," she glanced at Tifa's ugly green, orange, and white skimpy costume, "Nice style but I'd go for better colours, if I were you..."
"YOU THREE ARE BACK, NOW?" boomed Sephiroth, Dramtically, from the intercomm speaker in a way Rufus had never quite been able to manage.
"Um....yes?" said Tifa, hesitantly.
"Then, get ready for the next part. The scene in your upcoming section is this game's main turning point; kind of like when Aeris got 'killed' in ours. ENJOY!! HA, HA, HA!"
And with a POOF, Rufus, Scarlet, and Tseng all disappeared.
And reappeared with a FOOP elsewhere.
The theater doors opened.
"Here we go again," sighed Yuffie.
"MOVIE SIIIIIGGGGGNNNNNN!!" shrieked Aeris. They all piled in and sat down wherever they felt like.
(Meanwhile, at the 69th floor of the Shinra Headquarters building...)
"I'm gonna go hit the lounge on the 61st floor and have a cup of Icicle Inn Mocha and a doughnut or somethin'." said Scarlet, stretching lazily. "You?"
"Sounds good." Rufus checked his watch. "Gods I've been here a long time. I'll join you in just a bit."
"I'm hitting the 64th floor gym." said Tseng. "And then I'm going to have a shower, and a very long lie down."
"Hey, wait!" complained Sephiroth. "You said you'd be GOOD evil sidekicks! Why are you running off on me?"
Scarlet poked her head back in the door and smirked. "We're on break!" Slam.
Sephiroth shook his head as he watched the riffers start to make fun of the game. This was TOO boring. He'd have to get another sidekick or three from somewhere to do the ACTUAL keeping track of the experiment while Rufus, Scarlet, and Tseng were having their time off. But who...?
(Back in the theater)
(In Thamasa.)
LOCKE: General Leo.
LEO: Locke...you're back! And you've made the Espers understand
AERIS: How to properly dub anime!
YUFFIE: I don't think ANYone understands _that_...
our desire for peace!
LEO: I am General Leo. May I have your name, please?
CLOUD: (as Gene Wilder) My NAME?! Are you asking me...my NAME?! Is that what you're ASKING ME?! Well, do you know why I am going to TELL you my name?! Because you ASKED me, that's WHY!!!
YURA: I am called Yura. We have dome something inexcusable to your people. This probably isn't the time or place to ask for your forgiveness, but...
TIFA: (as Yura) ...could I get you to sign these report cards...?
LEO: Speak no further. It is we who owe you an apology. We hungered for power... How close we came to reenacting the War of the Magi!!!
RENO: (as Leo) I mean, we had the costumes made and the clubhouse rented, and everything!
YURA: We must put this all behind us.
LOCKE: I believe our job is finally over! I, for one, could use some piece and quiet...
AERIS: And as we know by now, anytime you assume things are going well in one of these things, "piece" and quiet is what you'll get, all right...as in Resting in Pieces...
CELES: Let's return to Vector.
LOCKE: Celes...
CELES: Please, not another word.
YUFFIE: (singing, loudly) NO...MORE....WORDS! You tell me that you love me while you're lookin' away...!
RELM: I'm too hot, Grandpa.
STRAGOS: Kids!!
(Everyone laughs.)
CID: WHY they laughed is one of the Great Mysteries of the Universe.
RENO: I think somebody left the nitrous oxide on...
(Kefka arrives with Magitek Armored soldiers.)
KEFKA: Hee, hee...! How 'bout a little Magitek mayhem!
CLOUD: (Announcer Voice) Yes, buy the new "Magitek Mayhem Kefka" action figure, available now from Figaro Bros. Toys! Magitek Armored Soldiers sold seperately. Batteries not included. Some assembly required.
LEO: Kefka. What ARE you doing?!
KEFKA: G'ha, ha, ha! Emperor's orders! I'm to bring the Magicite remains of these Espers to his excellency! Behold! A Magicite mother lode!!
(Kefka kills Yura and two other Espers.)
TIFA: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: That is EXACTLY how the "heroes" obtain THEIR Magicites most of the time, later on; so what exactly makes Kefka such a bad guy and the protagonists so wonderful? Spell-casting is CREEPY in this game...
KEFKA: Idiots! I don't care for the appearance of this pitiful little hamlet...
YUFFIE: (as Kefka) So I'm going to redecorate it! Where's my paintbrush...?
AERIS: "I'm thinking...pastels?"
So burn it!!
LEO: Kefka! No!
KEFKA: Shut up!
(Leo is stricken down, but gets back up.)
ALL: (singing) HE GETS KNOCKED DOWN...BUT HE GETS UP AGAIN...YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA KEEP HIM DOWN!
CLOUD: Obvious, but the line was just BEGGING for it.
LEO: Kefka! Your behavior is dishonorable! I can't allow this!
YUFFIE: (as badly-dubbed martial-arts movie character) You have disgraced the spirits of my ancestors. Prepare to die.
(Battle between Kefka and Leo begins. After a while, Kefka vanishes.)
KEFKA: Ah... ...Leo... ...always the consummate soldier......
LEO: Where are you, Kefka...... Show yourself!!
KEFKA: E M P E R O R G E S T A H L ... ...
I need you here......
RENO: (as Kefka) In the worst way...
AERIS: Ick.
RENO: Oh, don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing, Flower Girl.
(Gestahl appears out of nowhere.)
GESTAHL: Leo......
(Leo kneels down.)
LEO: My liege!
GESTAHL: I'm sorry I deceived even you, Leo. My purpose has been to
CID: (as Gestahl) Learn how to do the fox-trot...
gather Magicite, and grow powerful...... Please understand me......
TIFA: (as Gestahl) I'm a jerk. There. Now you understand me. Okay, let's go on with our fight...
LEO: But, Emperor!
GESTAHL: Don't say anything. I understand how you feel.
CLOUD: (as Gestahl) Yeah, great rulers that I have looked up to all my life betray me all the time! Uh, except that I've BEEN the ruler as long as I could remember and NEVER looked up to ANYbody...but beside all that, I know how you feel.
KEFKA: Uwee, hee, hee...... That's right! What we have to do now is collect Magicite!
LEO: But my liege... ...what have I been fighting for...?
ALL: A RAISE!
GESTAHL: Leo, I'd like you to take a nice, long snooze...! Very long! Uwa, ha!
(Gestahl changes to Kefka.)
LEO: !!!
AERIS: Leo just LEAPT into the air and had a heart attack, basically.
YUFFIE: Can't say I blame him...
KEFKA: So... ...you think you hit me?! That was simply my shadow!
CID: (singing) Me....and my shaaaaaadow...strolling down the aaveeennuee...
And how did you like my Gestahl? I should've been on the stage!
TIFA: Pff, you're no Maria.
Well, General......
(Kefka jumps and attacks Leo.)
CID: BOOST JUMP!
KEFKA: You're such a goody two-shoes!
LEO: Shut up, Kefka! I oughtta......
KEFKA: Oh! A threat...? You're such a violent little brute! I'll tell your "liege" that I had to exterminate a traitor...!
(Kefka kills Leo.)
ALL: YEEEOWZA!!
AERIS: I'll never get used to how this script says things so calmly.
YUFFIE: By the way, the player CONTROLS this battle, for no reason other than to make it feel more "personal" when Leo dies...they're positively EVIL...
KEFKA: Hate... ...hate... ...HATE!! Whoa! Yes, I feel some incredible magic power here, today! Wave after wave of pure, magical energy...
RENO: (singing) I'm pickin' up good vibrations...
(Other Espers break out of the sealed gate.)
AERIS: And RIP KEFKA'S THROAT OUT?!
YUFFIE: Uh, no, unfortunately.
RENO: Geez, who's the dark one NOW?!
Wait we're here to help!
Hurry!
Get going!
(Back in Thamasa.)
KEFKA: I'd say you're all charged up, boys and girls...or whatever...
CLOUD: (giggling) Um...YOU'RE one to say that, Kefka...! I mean, REALLY!
Say, remind me to show you my Magicite collection someday! You might see a few familiar faces!!! Now for a little Magicite hocus-pocus...! Now, little Espers...Let's see whatcha got!
(Kefka kills two Espers.)
CID: Um...how many people have bitten the dust since the beginning of this part? I've ALREADY lost track!
YUFFIE: (grimly) Keep reading...you ain't seen nothin' yet...
KEFKA: Eh?! You wanna take me on? Fine. Here I am...
TIFA: (singing) Take...on...meeee...
(Battle between Kefka and Esper begins. All attacks on Kefka refill his HPs.)
AERIS: Maybe it's like that one episode of Red Dwarf...? To hurt the opponent, you have to actually hit YOURSELF?
KEFKA: Imagine! Thinking you could defeat ME!! This is rich! Mwa, ha, ha! Now, my little Magicite pretties...... come, and help me build the magical empire of
RENO: DisneyPlanet!
CLOUD: (announcer voice) Mr. Kefka, you've just conquered the world, obtained every single last bit of magical power for yourself, and become a god! What are you going to do now?
YUFFIE: (as Kefka) I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!
"Kefka"!
(Kefka casts X-Zone on the Esper. He walks over and gets the Magicite shard.)
KEFKA: G'haw, haw...... Ooh! They're warm to the touch!
AERIS: (shuddering) Eeeww! This is VERY disturbing! You can tell that the Magicites came from living beings from their warm feel...and he LIKES that feeling? I'm going to be ill...
(Battle ends.)
KEFKA: What treasures! This is ridiculous! I had no idea you were such wimps! Time to put a stop to all this.
(Kefka kills seven Espers at the same time.)
CID: GYAAAH!! What is the death-count up to now...somewhere around 15...?
KEFKA: Phew... I think I have plenty of Magicite for the time
being... that is, until I make my way through your precious sealed gate!!
(Kefka is tickled by the reality.)
KEFKA: I don't believe this!
(Kefka laughs maniacally.)
TIFA: So in other words, he's acting the way he always does. Got it.
(A grave has been arranged in a clearing in some nearby trees. TERRA, LOCKE, CELES, STRAGOS and RELM are there.)
YUFFIE: Getting drunk and partying down!
TERRA: General leo...
(TERRA puts flowers on the grave.)
TERRA: People only seem to want power. Do they really want to be like me? I...I wanted to learn so much more from you...
(Interceptor limps toward the party.)
LOCKE: We not only lost Leo, but SHADOW, too. Curse the Empire!
This'll have to do...
CELES: I'll go with you.
LOCKE: Now I'm worried about EDGAR and the others...
TERRA: I wish I could say they were safe...
RENO: (as Terra) But knowing Edgar, they're probably lying bleeding in a ditch somewhere...
(SETZER, SABIN, EDGAR, CYAN and GAU arrive.)
SETZER: We've been had!! The Emperor is a liar!
CYAN: Thanks to EDGAR, we escaped before anything bad happened...
LOCKE: Way to go, EDGAR!
EDGAR: I got to know the gal who brought us tea.
CLOUD: Heh heh heh..."got to know" her...gee, considering that this is Edgar, I just WONDER what THAT actually means...?
TIFA: (sighs dreamily) He could get to know ME anytime he wants to...
After a while, she just blurted out the whole crooked plan.
(EDGAR laughs.)
SABIN: So...you finally hit paydirt, eh?
YUFFIE: "Finally"? I would imagine he "hits paydirt" rather often! Ummmmm...what did I just say...?
EDGAR: Watch your mouth! There're ladies present! I was a perfect gentleman.
RENO: (as Edgar) Yeah, I bought her flowers, chocolates, expensive wine, a candelight dinner in a gourmet French restaurant with a waiter playing the violin at our table, rented a very fancy hotel room....and THEN I handcuffed her to the bedposts and ripped her clothes off with my teeth! Geez, what kind of an animal do you think I am?
TIFA: HEY! (punches Reno).
LOCKE: General Leo's gone... Kefka did him in...
CYAN: Sir Leo?! Gone?! What a waste... He was their finest
soldier...
EDGAR: We need to rethink our plans. Let's return to the airship.
CID: (as Setzer) Yeah! The airship's awesome, dude! I got a cool den with a bitchin' stereo system and we can order some pizzas and...oh, wait, you were SERIOUS about making plans. Dang.
YUFFIE: The Blackjack just about IS that luxurious, you know. It's got a built-in Item shop and a place where you can heal yourselves up completely, like in an Inn, for FREE! I got spoiled and seriously missed those features when we got the Falcon later on...
STRAGOS: May I accompany you?
EDGAR: Who're you?
LOCKE: He's one of this town's citizens.
TIFA: Oh, well, THAT narrows it down.
CLOUD: And it's such a COMPELLING argument to take him along, too...
TERRA: He's descended from the Mage Warriors of yore... I think he can be a big help.
(EDGAR is puzzled.)
STRAGOS: We must expect the Empire to flex its new-found muscle soon.
YUFFIE: Yeah, the Empire's been hittin' the gym lately and wants to show off in a pair of Speedos.
RELM: Me too!
STRAGOS: I don't think so.
SABIN: Yeah, right kid!
RELM: What? Who is this puffed up aerobics instructor, anyway?
SABIN: Kid's got quite a lip!
RENO: (as Sabin) So I think I'll just rip it off, then!
CLOUD: Yuck.
RELM: Aaack! I'm gonna paint your portrait!
(Surprise.)
Uwaaa! S...stop!
(SABIN is puzzled. RELM laughs.)
AERIS: Aeris is bewildered.
RENO: Reno blinks.
STRAGOS: All right already! If you insist...
RELM: That's better!
SABIN: Let's go!
(Everyone proceeds to leave except for EDGAR.)
RELM: What's wrong, lover boy?
TIFA: Eeew, that is just WRONG! How old is she, like, ten?!
AERIS: Then again, you let Marlene mix drinks down at the Seventh Heaven, and she's only six.
TIFA: You have a point.
EDGAR: How old are you?
RELM: Ten...why?
CLOUD: Hey, good call, Tifa!
(RELM is puzzled. EDGAR is being EDGAR.)
CID: Cid is equally puzzled.
RENO: I'd be more worried if Edgar was being someone BESIDES Edgar...
RELM: I'm coming along, too.
EDGAR: You've grown up entirely too fast! Lighten up, okay?!
TIFA: (falls out of her seat laughing) "Gung-ho"?! Who the heck names themselves after a personality trait? That's just STUPID!
RENO: (growling) Um...hello....my best friend...RUDE?!
TIFA: Erp. Sorry.
YUFFIE: Why IS he called "Rude", anyway? He's about the most POLITE thug I've ever met!
RENO: (grinning) That's just it. It's an irony-nickname. Like when you have a HUUUUUGE-ass guy and you call him "Tiny". It's supposed to be funny because it makes no sense.
Warrior extraordinaire from the town of Thamasa. First time I've been back in a while, and the village looks trashed.
What on Earth happened?
AERIS: He's not sure if it's trashed or not? I would'a thought that'd be fairly easy to figure out...
CLOUD: I'm surprised you didn't say "or whatever planet WE'RE on" at the "on Earth" comment.
AERIS: (sighing) I gave up.
STRAGOS: G...Gungho?!
GUNGHO: Is that you, STRAGOS? Have you come back to hunt Hidon? He'll never change. That's who he is! When you were younger you hunted Hidon, the legendary monster. But you quit before you found it...
STRAGOS: I didn't really quit! It's just that, well, the monster
CID: (as Stragos) ...got a court restraining order against me for stalking it...
lives only on Ebot's Rock, which has been submerged for some time.
GUNGHO: You never could give me an honest answer. What a buffoon!!
(The first time the airship flies after Thamasa. Scene on the deck.)
RENO: (as Setzer) TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA!
SETZER: The Empire's after the sealed gate! They're looking for some statues or something.
STRAGOS: NO!!!
(In the sealed cave. Gestahl and Kefka are there.)
AERIS: Since the cave is still sealed, they keel over and die from suffocation, the end.
CLOUD: No, no, no "The End" jokes YET, Aeris; we still got a LOT more to go.
AERIS: Dang.
GESTAHL: Oh, those silly Espers! To think they opened the gate themselves! The Statues should be just ahead. If we can just get our hands on them, we'll have everything we ever dreamed of! Come quickly!
(Back on the Blackjack.)
CELES: What's wrong, TERRA?
TERRA: The island... The world is groaning in pain...
ALL EXCEPT AERIS: AAAA-HEM!!!
TIFA: NOOOOOO comment, Little Miss Ancient Cetra "I can feel the planet crying out in pain!" Flower Girl!
AERIS: HEY! It's not _my_ fault I'm a Squaresoft stereotype....well, it's NOT! (Pout)
CLOUD: I notice you're wearing TERRA'S costume...
(The entire island that the sealed cave is on rises into the sky. Gestahl and Kefka are on it, as are the three Goddess Statues.)
CID: If you go there, watch out for that furry dude with the long red dreadlocks. He's MEAN.
GESTAHL: Fuwa, ha, ha! Now THIS is power! This, and my Magicite... now nothing can stop me!
RENO: Except for a good BOOT to the head!
(Back on the Blackjack.)
STRAGOS: The beginning of all magic...
TERRA: Those?
CID: I would have expected the beginning of all magic to have slightly better fashion sense...
STRAGOS: It is said that they somehow neutralized each other's power, then sealed themselves away... If the three statues should ever be moved out of alignment,
AERIS: They'll have to switch from Lawful to Chaotic Neutral and change their classes and some stats, probably...
the resulting imbalance of power would...rearrange the face of our planet...
TERRA: What?!
RENO: It would be a beauty makeover of planetary proportions!
(When you decide to board the Floating Continent.)
TIFA: Notice it says "When"...you don't have a choice?! What if the characters just decide to go retire to some nice island and drink all day long?
SETZER: Quick! Let's jump onto that thing! Only three allowed in your party. The others must stay on board.
CLOUD: (sarcasically) Gee, thank you, Mr. Rulebook!
Uh, oh!!! The Imperial Airforce (IAF)! We're surrounded!
Let's give 'em a bloody lip!
YUFFIE: Hopefully more than just a bloody lip, since they're, ya know, kinda trying to KILL you guys, and all...
(Multiple battles are fought on the Blackjack's deck.)
RENO: And the party LOOSES every single one of them...
Something...curious...approaches!!
CID: By the pricking of my thumbs, something STUPID this way comes!
(A strange monster floats toward the party, and Ultros jumps off of it.
AERIS: For which the monster is eternally grateful.
Battle with Ultros begins.)
ULTROS: No, really, this is our LAST battle! Trust me!
(When Ultros is defeated.)
ULTROS: I lose AGAIN! Well, today I've brought a pal! Mr. Chupon! Come on down!
RENO: (snickering) Okay, so, now they get Earth GAME SHOWS on this planet...?!
(Battle continues, but with Ultros and Chupon.)
CHUPON: Fungahhh!
ULTROS: Mr. Chupon's taciturn, but terribly powerful!
CLOUD: "Taciturn"? I was gonna say he was stoned out of his gourd, actually...
(After Ultros and Chupon are defeated, Chupon sneezes, and each party member is blown away.)
CID: That is SOME sneeze. He might want to have that looked at.
(The party members are on the west edge of the Floating Continent. SHADOW is also there.)
Kefka, Gestahl...and the Statues are just ahead.
SHADOW: Down with the Empire. Once I outlived my usefulness, they tried to off me!
RENO: Well, duh. That's one of the first rules of assassination--kill the assassin!
"We thought you were a goner!"
SHADOW: Is Interceptor alright?
[NOTE: Interceptor is in Thamasa.]
TIFA: So, the player recieves that information telepathically, out of nowhere, or what?
"He's fine. Come on, let's go!
SHADOW: Forget about me.
"We can't just leave you!"
(When the party reaches Atma, battle begins.)
(Atma) My name is Atma...... I am pure energy...
YUFFIE: (singing) I wanna know...what you're thinkin'! There are some things you can't hide! I wanna know...what you're feelin'! Tell me what's on your mind!
RENO: No more "Flashback Lunch" for you, young lady.
YUFFIE: Awwww....
and as ancient as the cosmos. Feeble creatures, GO!
(After battle with Atma ends.)
SHADOW: I sold my
CLOUD: (as Shadow)...soul...
CID: To rock and roll!
skill to the Empire... I have no right to fight together with you.
(SHADOW leaves.)
AERIS: You know, I do wish that Shadow would work out, once and for all, just where the HELL he wants to be!
(When the party reaches Gestahl, Kefka and the Statues.)
GESTAHL: Well, well... Fwa, ha, ha... Then you're just in time to perish. Behold! The Statues!! Ooh! I've got goosebumps! What power...
RENO: (high, femmy voice, as Gestahl) Ooooh! I just feel all TINGLY inside! Mmm!
(Everyone else edges away from him.)
(If CELES is in the party,)
CELES: Emperor Gestahl! Please, stop this madness!
(Gestahl binds the others.)
RENO: Wow, this IS getting kinky...
(AERIS stoically looks forward and pretends she didn't hear that.)
GESTAHL: ... Come to me, my pretty! You and Kefka were given life to server me!!
TIFA: To "server" him? He wants Kefka and Celes to help him run a commercial-sized website?
CLOUD: Now that would be one WEIRD site.
YUFFIE: I'd like it better if it was "sever" him...
It is your birthright to rule the world with me!!
CLOUD: (darkly, deep dramatic voice) Then, half the world--half the DARKNESS--is thine forever!! BWAHAHAHA!!
AERIS: You get the feeling that practically HALF, at least, of our MSTer's brain is taken up with old RPG quotes?
KEFKA: Kill the others and we'll overlook your treachery!
(Kefka gets a sword from Gestahl.)
KEFKA: Take this sword! Take care of them. Immediately!!
(Kefka gives CELES the sword. She looks at her bound friends.)
CID: Celes slowly walks up behind Terra, moving jerkily like the puppet she now is. Then she raises draws the sword. Then she raises it above her head. Then she starts to slash it down--
YUFFIE: STOP!
CID: And one of her friends yells "Stop!" and snaps her out of it at the last second...
AERIS: NOT funny! Not, not, NOT funny!
GESTAHL: CELES...together we can rule an entire world! Think of it...!
RENO: (as Gestahl) Celes..._I_ am your father!! Join me, and together, we can RULE the GALAXY!
CLOUD: Actually, that would almost make sense, in a weird way...
CELES: Power only breeds war... I wish I'd never been...born.
(CELES garrotes Kefka with the sword.)
RENO: Um....wait, if Tseng was here, he'd point out that you can't "garrote" someone with anything but an actual garrote...
AERIS: Yeah, he pulled it out and showed it to us and everything.
RENO: (turning slowly to Aeris with an evil gleam in his eyes) REAAAAAALLY? In public? I didn't think he had THAT much of a crush on you!
AERIS: BAKA!! He didn't pull THAT out, you pervert!
KEFKA: Ouch!!
RENO: And whether it was with a garrote or a sword, being garotted would make you say a lot MORE than just "Ouch"! If you were even still ALIVE to do so, that is...
KEFKA: B...blood!?
YUFFIE: (as Celes) Why is his blood purple...?
CID: Aha, I KNEW he wasn't human!
You...vicious brat! Grrr... Aargh...
(Kefka has a temper tantrum.)
TIFA: Ah, how nice it is to know that some things never change...
KEFKA: I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU! Grrr...
CLOUD: Ya think that's enough "hate"s, in that sentence?
KEFKA: Goddesses...you were born only to fight. I implore you...show me your power!!
YUFFIE: (as Kefka) Moon Prism Power...ACTIVATE!!
RENO: Hmmm. Kefka in a Sailor Fuku. There may be hope for you yet.
YUFFIE: (turns green as the mental image seeps into her unwillling brain.) GLACK!
(Kefka is thrown back.)
KEFKA: I command you! Give me your power! Arrrgh! Curse!
CID: Um, Kefka, you're supposed to ACTUALLY curse, not just SAY the word "curse"...
(Statues glow.)
KEFKA: Listen to me, or you'll regret it! Give me...POWER!
AERIS: Um...wait a minute, they're GODDESSES! Why don't they just fry him and be done with it?
TIFA: Maybe their essences are having a slumber-party over at Belldandy's house and aren't paying much attention to him...?
GESTAHL: Kefka, stop it! Revive those statues, and you'll destroy the very world we're trying to possess!
KEFKA: Shuddap!
GESTAHL: Kefka! Are you nuts?!
ALL: (in disbelief) YOU HAVE TO _ASK_??
KEFKA: Nuts...?! Emperor! Don't disturb me! I'm showing them the meaning of power!
GESTAHL: I don't think so, friend. Your days are now over. Now relax... ...I'm simply going to put you to sleep with the
very power you unleashed......
(Kefka starts laughing.)
GESTAHL: What's so funny?!
RENO: (as Kefka) Oh, nothing, uwee, hee, hee! I was just thinking of that last Cathy strip I read! G'hee, hee, hee!
GESTAHL: Very well. It is only fitting that you go to sleep laughing! Fire 3!!!
AERIS: (very seriously) He died as he lived...with makeup all over his face.
(Kefka is surprised, but continues laughing.)
GESTAHL: Flare!!!
(Kefka is surprised, but continues laughing.)
GESTAHL: N... ...noooo!! Why isn't my magic working?!
Merton!!!
CID: MERTON? That is one DUMB name for a spell...
GESTAHL: K... ...Kefka!!!!! H... ...how...?! How are you doing this?!
(Kefka shoves Gestahl.)
YUFFIE: (Kefka as whiny little kid) You big bully! Give me back my lunch money!
KEFKA: How? Simple! I'm standing within the field of the Statues! Their strong field absorbs all magic sent their way!
RENO: And has special no-leak compartments to keep moisture away from baby's skin!
Or didn't you notice?!
GESTAHL: ............!!!
KEFKA: And now, Statues! You've shown me a sign! It is time you show this old man your true power!
GESTAHL: No! KEFKA!! Don't do something stupid......
KEFKA: I command you statues...show me a sign!!
(Lightning strikes.)
KEFKA: I...incredible!
(Lightning strikes.)
KEFKA: You're way off!!!! Where're you aiming?!
AERIS: What makes you think they're aiming at the EMPEROR, Kefka...?
(Lightning strikes.)
KEFKA: Whoa! More to the right!
(Ligthning strikes.)
KEFKA: Run! Run! Or you'll be well done!
RENO: Oh, shut, UP, you stupid annoying little fem-bot punster!
(Lightning strikes Gestahl directly.)
CID: (Southern accent) THAT'S gonna hurt come Sunday.
CLOUD: Notice he's too weak to THROW him off the edge...
KEFKA: Poor old...... Oh well, what a worthless excuse for an
Emperor!!
GESTAHL: There'll be no one to worship us...
AERIS: He talks pretty good for someone who just got hit by lightning.
(Kefka kicks Gestahl over the edge.)
CELES: Snap out of it, Kefka!
(Kefka strikes CELES with magic, knocking her down a slope. He pushes the statues around a bit.)
CID: (as Statue) You wanna push me around, PUNK? Huh? Well, do ya?!
CELES: Oh, that's really smart, Kefka! Disturb their delicate
balance, and they'll go haywire...!
(Kefka pushes the statues more. Someone whistles. SHADOW arrives.)
KEFKA: Who're you?!
RENO: (low, sultry voice) I'm your worst nightmare.
AERIS: I'd hit you, but my hand hurts.
(SHADOW carries CELES back up. SHADOW pushes the statues so as to pin Kefka between them.)
KEFKA: Nooo!
(The bound party members are freed.)
TIFA: By Plot Devices, Inc.!
SHADOW: Go! There are people counting on you!
(The statues' balance is destroyed, throwing the party down. SHADOW is still with the statues.)
SHADOW: Don't worry about me! Run!! I can't stop this chain
reaction! I'll see you again. Count on it!
CLOUD: (singing) Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watchin' you...
KEFKA: You can't escape me!!
(Kefka sends a light over to the far right of the Floating Continent.)
SHADOW...... Get outta here on the double!
(The Continent starts to collapse everywhere, with a six-minute clock in the foreground.
CID: (shaking head sadly) Boy, they just don't make Floating Continents like they used to...
When the party reaches the far right point, battle with Nerapa begins.)
(Nerapa) Mwa ha ha...... You can't run!
(After battle is over, the Blackjack is just below.)
TIFA: Again, conveniently. Notice that Setzer seems to be able to read people's minds and stuff...
RENO: That would explain why he's such a good gambler!
AERIS: I thought telepaths weren't allowed into the casino...?
YUFFIE: Actually, Setzer was IN our MSTer's party...it was this adventure that made him strong enough to make her start respecting him as a party member...he was learning spells so dang fast she started running out of Espers to give him!
Gotta wait for SHADOW...
(When there are only four seconds left, SHADOW arrives.)
CLOUD: (as Marty McFly) WHY do we always gotta cut these things so damn CLOSE?!
SHADOW!!
SHADOW: I'll be blown to bits before I can even collect my pay...
CID: BOOM. They all die.
AERIS: That line WOULD take up the entire four seconds left and then some, wouldn't it?
(The party and SHADOW jump onto the deck of the Blackjack.)
AERIS: Breaking all the bones in their body and dying painfully, the end.
YUFFIE: Nope, sorry Aeris, no go. If Chrono and friends can survive leaping off the Black Omen onto the "Epoch", which is way smaller than the Blackjack and so far below you can barely SEE it, then...
Can't you diffuse the statues?!
RENO: Well, I'd need some kind of magic spell to make them turn from a solid state into a gas, but...
TIFA: I think that was originally "DEfuse".
(The statues inflict their power on the world; earthquakes abound, explosions prevalent, continents drift and divide.)
AERIS: (intoning dramatically) And then came the time of dark and death, when the Gods turned from the world. Mountains burst from once-fertile valleys, seas poured into the graves of mountains, deserts sighed on abandoned floors of the seas. The highways of Krynn erupted, and became the paths of the dead.
CLOUD: DAMN that's appropriate! I can't believe you actually _memorised_ it, though...
YUFFIE: COOL poem!
TIFA: Wait a minute, guys. The world just got destroyed! No fooling, it ACTUALLY HAPPENED! This deserves a moment of silence.
(Everyone bows their heads for exactly five seconds.)
TIFA: Okay, that's enough.
SETZER: Hang on!
RENO: Quick, everyone, grab hold of Setzer's hair! It's got enough mousse in it to support a building!
(The Blackjack splits in two, with RELM, SABIN, SETZER, LOCKE and TERRA on the right side, and CELES, STRAGOS, SHADOW, EDGAR and SABIN on the left side. The left side sinks below, but LOCKE gets hold of CELES.
CID: Locke then sinks beneath the waves and freezes to death because he let Celes have the piece of wreckage to float on...
CLOUD: If Celine Dion starts singing, I'm outta here.
RELM and SABIN are blown off. LOCKE and CELES are blown off.
TERRA and SETZER are blown off.)
(Scene showing the earth viewed from space, and explosions everywhere and the continents drifting apart.)
On that day, the world was changed forever...
AERIS: Massive explosions'll do that to a Planet, yes...
(The screen goes dark and the lights come back up.)
YUFFIE: What a downer to end on! Let's get OUTTA here...
