By Captain Chaotica!!
RATING: PG-13 for language and innuendo, but nothing all THAT bad.
PART SEVEN
Everyone stood around in the theater lobby again, but this time, they seemed upbeat and cheerful. A little bit TOO cheerful. Rufus Shinra instantly became suspicious.
"What exactly are you plotting...?" he asked over the intercomm.
"Why, nothing!" blinked Aeris innocently. "Nothing at all. Isn't that right, Tifa?"
"You are absolutely right, Aeris." said Tifa, in the same stilted, phony, "I'm-reading-this-from-a-script-and-TOTALLY-don't-mean-it" tone. "Making any trouble at all is absolutely the farthest thing from our minds. Wouldn't you say, Cloud?"
"Oh, yes," said Cloud, in the same tone. "We're all being as good as can be down here in this theater. Yep. In fact, Rufie, we've even decided to go along with your wishes!"
"What wishes would those be?" Rufus sneered suspiciously into the intercomm. "And that's 'Mr. President' to YOU, not 'Rufie'."
"We've given it some thought, and we've decided that we ARE going to be 'entertaining' during our breaks, like you want us to," said Cid in the same phony-cheerful tone as the others. "We're gonna do little skits, goofy object lessons, parodies, and best of all..."
"SONGS!" they all yelled in chorus.
"We were so inspired by that touching flashback of Figaro's past that we saw in our last section," Yuffie came forwards to introduce the number, "that we just HAD to write a song about it! I present to you now, a musical tribute to Sabin and Edgar Figaro, everyone's favourite twin Light Warriors! Hit it, Reno!"
The redheaded Turk, smiling evilly, flipped a switch on a large, complicated-looking rig behind him (that had of course appeared from nowhere) and cheesy music started playing. Specifically, the "Patty Duke Show" theme song.
AERIS, TIFA, and YUFFIE: (singing) "Edgar meets with diplomats,
Flirts with anything,
and wears fancy hats,"
CLOUD, CID, and RENO: (singing) "But Sabin's only seen the sights a man can see on country nights,"
ALL: "WHAT A WILD DUET! But they're Prin-ces, identical Princes, and you'll find--"
"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" came an anguished scream of pure pain from the intercomm. Being made up of Rufus, Sephiroth, Scarlet and Tseng ALL screaming at the very tops of their lungs, it was loud enough to cause a feedback loop and short out the musical equipment. The tune stopped.
"Never...ever...EVER...do...that...AGAIN!!" shrieked Rufus, so hysterical that he could barely even make his brain form the words. He was a villian, after all, and the one thing NO villian could possibly stand was...cute. (Reno was somewhat immune to this particular cuteness because he had been PART of it. Think of it as the difference between being the person who wields the sword...and being the person who gets stabbed.) Rufus then took a few deep breaths and managed to calm down slightly before continuing, as he realised that this was not the image a Head of State should project. "Okay, okay, I give up, you win! You don't have to do stupid skits during your breaks anymore, if you don't want to!"
"YAY!!" our heroes all chorused.
"But it's funny that you should pick a song as your skit this time, considering what awaits you in your NEXT segment," Scarlet purred wickedly. "Since you're in such a musical mood, get ready for: a night at the OPERA!! KYA, haa, haa!!!"
"Opera?" blinked Cloud in disbelief.
"Opera?" gaped Reno.
"OPERA?!" exclaimed Tifa.
"Yep," sighed Yuffie. "Opera. In a video game."
The theater doors opened, and the familiar music started playing. "MOVIE SSSIIIIIGGGGGGNNNNNN!!" shrieked Aeris and they all piled in.
(In Owzer's home in Jidoor, a man is pacing left and right.)
IMPRESARIO: Maria!?
CID: Who IS this Impressario guy?
YUFFIE: He kinda reminds me of that Shinra Manager dude, in terms of his role within the game, anyway. Ya know, the one with the fluffy dark brown hair and the maroon suit, who doesn't have a name, but keeps showing up in lots of different places and complaining about his job? That guy.
CID: Okay, I get it now.
CELES: Are you talking to me?
CLOUD: (as Celes) Well, I'm the only one here. (Pretends to draw a gun) Go ahead! Make my day.
IMPRESARIO: Sorry...my mistake. Wow, you could pass for Maria in a heartbeat! Hoo boy, now I really am in trouble...
(Impresario leaves.)
CELES looks like Maria...?
(A man is at the entrance of Owzer's home.)
AERIS: Who the hell is "Owzer" and why do we care?!
(Man) You're the spittin' image of Maria! Huh? Haven't you heard of her? She's a famous opera singer! That PERSON dropped it off. He's the directory of operas here. Everyone just calls him
RENO: An idiot.
"Impresario." He's been in a tizzy since that letter arrived.
(Letter) "My Dear Maria, I want you for my wife. I'm coming for
you...
The Wandering Gambler"
LOCKE: Who's this "Wandering Gambler"...?
(Man) You born on a farm, son?
TIFA: (as Locke) Well, actually, I was! What exactly are you implying? Are you saying that country-folk have to automatically be stupid and uneducated, is THAT it?!
CLOUD: (as Man) Gulp.
(Shows a man piloting an airship.)
CID: Hey, it's me! How'd I get in here...?
YUFFIE: Not.......quite....
A black jack-playing, world-traveling casino-dwelling free spirit...
AERIS: Wow, what a colourful description! I think I like this guy already!
YUFFIE: No......you don't....
RENO: Yuffie, there's obviously something about this character that you've been trying not to tell us from the very beginning. Well, we've met him now, so spill it.
YUFFIE: (sighs) It's about his appearance. He's 27 years old...with pale skin, high cheekbones, a sweeping, dramatic black trenchcoat and cape....and LOOOOOONNNNNG... flowing...pure...SILVER...hair!!
(OTHERS all gasp and stare at each other in amazement.)
AERIS: That description sounds awfully....familiar...
VOICE FROM INTERCOMM: Hey, WAIT, are you telling me my appearance was based off of some freakin' GAMBLER?! (owie!)
YUFFIE: With a few key differences. Such as a shorter, thinner build, brown eyes instead of Mako-green, the black clothes being velvet with lots of jewelry and ruffles instead of leather and metal armour, a scar down one side of the face, and, of course, a totally different personality and background, but, basically...yes.
ALL: HERE WE GO AGAIN!!
YUFFIE: Technically, here we go the FIRST time.
(Name the man.)
CID: Ace.
CLOUD: Hey, yeaah, he's a pilot and a gambler, so it works BOTH ways! Quick thinkin' there, Cid!
(Man) SETZER! The owner of the world's only airship.
RENO: And lead singer of the Stray Cats.
TIFA: That's BRIAN Setzer...
RENO: (defensively) They never said if it was his first or last name!
YUFFIE: First. Setzer Gabbiani.
CELES: If we could get that airship, we'd make the Empire in no time.
LOCKE: Let's set up a meeting...with SETZER...
AERIS: And introduce him to the wonders of hair dye. I mean, REALLY, solid silver at age twenty-freaking-seven?!
YUFFIE: I wouldn't put it past him to actually have raven-black hair, and DYE it silver just for dramatic effect. I mean, it's not like he's genetically-engineered or anything...
______________________________________________________________________
(In the Opera House.)
IMPRESARIO: Ah! You again!
CID: Funny, I was about to say the same thing about the Impressario!
LOCKE: I read that letter. SETZER's coming to steal her...
IMPRESARIO: He'll probably appear right at the climax of Scene I. He loves an entrance...
LOCKE: Right! If we could only grab him then...!
YUFFIE: I'D be willing to grab him ANYtime! Rrrooowwwrrr! (Blushes as she realises what she just said)
IMPRESARIO: Dear me, NO! You'll ruin the performance! I'll lose my job!
CELES: Then you're history!
IMPRESARIO: This is simply horrid! I want the performance to be a success! But I don't want Maria to be abducted...!
LOCKE: We'll let him grab her...
RENO: (as Locke) Yeah, what do we care about some annoying opera diva we've never even met? Throw her to the wolves!
(Impresario is puzzled.)
TIFA: A frequent occurrence, for him.
LOCKE: We'll use CELES as a decoy. After she's abducted, I'll follow 'em right to his airship!
IMPRESARIO: Are you mad?!! If something should happen to Maria...
LOCKE: That's why the decoy! We'll hide Maria somewhere safe!
CLOUD: Like perhaps in the middle of the stage! Nobody'll EVER think to look for her THERE...
IMPRESARIO: Come again?
LOCKE: You said SHE looks like Maria, right?
CELES: Now just a minute...
LOCKE: CELES will be out Maria!
CID: Celes is going to announce to the world that Maria is a lesbian? The HELL?!
She'll lead us to the airship!
IMPRESARIO: Brilliant!
CELES: W...wait!
(CELES goes ballistic.)
AERIS: Again, this is nothing new.
CELES: I'm a GENERAL, not some opera floozy!
(CELES runs into Maria's room and shuts the door.)
CELES: Mii... Mii... Do, re, mi... Faa...hack, cough...
Maa...
rii...
aaaa
RENO: (singing) MAAARRRIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!! I just met a girl named MA-RIIII-AAA...
YUFFIE: (sighs) I was wondering how long it'd take one of you guys to do that.
(LOCKE laughs.)
LOCKE: Not bad, CELES!
CLOUD: (as Locke) If I plug my ears, it ALMOST sounds as melodic as spoons being crunched in a garbage disposal!
(Ultros is not far away.)
ULTROS: Mwa, ha, ha! I'll pretend to be SETZER and foil their little plan!
TIFA: (falls out of her seat laughing) A PURPLE OCTOPUS is gonna pretend to be a babe-ish, human, Sephiroth-lookalike?! THIS I gotta SEE...!
(Ultros throws out a letter, landing near the party.)
AERIS: Wait...Ultros lands near the party, or the letter?
CID: Remember kids! When dangling, watch your participles!
CELES: Let's get ready!
LOCKE: It's showtime!
(They enter Maria's room, not noticing the letter.)
ULTROS: D'haaaaa! Come on! Read it...!
YUFFIE: And Locke comes in to see her in a low-cut, foofy white ball-gown, looks STRAIGHT down her cleavage, and blushes bright red.
RENO: Hey, you made a dirty riff! Welcome to my world!
YUFFIE: Riff, nothing. That actually HAPPENED!
LOCKE: Aye yai yai! Izzat...you!?
CELES: LOCKE. Why did you help me escape back there?
LOCKE: I...once abandoned someone when she needed me...
CELES: Somewhere inside you were saving...her, weren't you...?
LOCKE: That ribbon suits you.
CLOUD: JUST a ribbon? YeeOW! I can see why THIS play is popular!
CELES: On with the show! This is the big scene in which Maria senses that something's happened to Draco!
LOCKE: You'd better check the score one last time.
YUFFIE: So she does. In this part, you have to at least slightly memorise the next lines, 'cos if you don't, and you mess up three times, you've lost your chance.
TIFA: What does that mean?
RENO: I think it's Figaroan for "Air of the Messy Caterer".
The forces of the West fell,
and Maria's castle was taken.
Prince Ralse, of the East,
took her hand by force,
AERIS: (as Maria) OW! Put my hand back on!
but she never stopped yearning for Draco...
(CELES is standing on the set in costume, playing the part of Maria, and singing.)
CID: Badly.
Oh my hero, so far away now.
Will I ever see your smile?
Love goes away, like night into day.
It's just a fading dream.
I'm the darkness, you're the stars.
Our love is brighter than the sun.
CLOUD: (as Celes) My relationship is so bright, I gotta wear shades!
For eternity, for me there can be,
Only you, my chosen one...
RENO: (makes barfing noises) Could this GET any sappier?!
Must I forget you? Our solemn promise?
Will autumn take the place of spring?
AERIS: Well, usually you have something we like to call "summer" in between those two, but generally, that's what happens, yes.
What shall I do? I'm lost without you.
Speak to me once more!
(Draco appears and dances with Maria.)
TIFA: (as Maria) But Draco, honey, I don't WANT to do the Macarena!
DRACO: Come, Maria. Follow my lead.
(Draco then vanishes. Maria walks up some stairs, holding a bouquet of flowers.)
...We must part now, my life goes on.
But my heart won't give you up.
YUFFIE: (singing) But I know that, my heart will go oooo-oooonnnn....
AERIS: NEVER again.
Ere I walk away, let me hear you say
I meant as much to you....
So gently, you touched my heart.
RENO: And then, so gently, you ripped it out while still beating and set it upon the sacrificial altar...how I smile when I remember those happy, carefree days!
(Everyone edges away from him again.)
I will be forever yours.
Come what may, I won't age a day,
TIFA: Now THAT takes some talent...!
I'll wait for you, always...
(Maria throws the bouquet of flowers over the balcony.)
CLOUD: It falls into the orchestra pit, stopping the music and injuring seven.
[NOTE: I apologize again but I couldn't get the rest of the opera up to Ultros's scene. There wasn't enough time to transcribe it.]
(LOCKE outside Maria's room. He noticed Ultros's letter.)
(Letter) I owe you one, so I'm gonna jam up your opera!
Ultros
AERIS: WAIT a minute, I thought he said that with that letter, he was gonna pretend to be Setzer! Why'd he sign it "Ultros"?!
YUFFIE: Nobody ever said he was a particularly BRIGHT villian...
LOCKE: Uh oh... Better tell the Impresario!
(In the audience.)
IMPRESARIO: What!!!? But how might he disrupt the opera? ...With that?!
(Shows Ultros and a 4-ton weight up on the catwalk above the stage.)
CLOUD: (giggling) Props for this opera courtesy of Acme, Inc!
ULTROS: Mwa ha ha! Let's see if Maria can shrug THIS off!
(Ultros tries to push.)
ULTROS: N'ghaaa! This is heavier than I thought! It's take me five minutes to drop it!
CID: Awfully precise, ain't he?
(Back in the audience.)
LOCKE: We haven't a second to lose!
IMPRESARIO: Talk to the man in the room to the far right! He'll help you get up there!
LOCKE: I's as good as done!
AERIS: "I's" as good as done? Locke suddenly morphed into a hick, there...
(Up on the catwalk, when the party reaches Ultros.)
ULTROS: Phew... Rats!
(Ultros and the party clash,
RENO: Well, yeah, I mean, bright purple doesn't really go with ANYthing...but I don't see why fashion coordination is supposed to be important right now!
and they all fall down onto the stage, falling on the actors playing Draco and Prince Ralse. Impresario comes onto the stage in horror.)
(EVERYONE giggles)
CLOUD: Gee, if only we could do that to bad actors in real life...
IMPRESARIO: Disaster! If the two heroes are flattened, the opera's over! Then who'll win the girl?!
(LOCKE gets an idea.)
LOCKE: Neither Draco nor Ralse will save CELES! I, LOCKE, the world's premier adventurer, will save her!
IMPRESARIO: Aya... What awful acting!
CID: Hey, no, WE'LL riff the game, thank you very much!
TIFA: Uh...Locke...honey...her name is supposed to be MARIA, not Celes! Don't give away the switcheroo yet, you idiot!
ULTROS: Silence! You are in the presence of octopus royalty! A lowborn thug like you could never defeat me!
RENO: (guffawing) Octopus ROYALTY?!
CLOUD: And hey, Edgar's a King Crab, according to Sabin anyway, so he probably outranks him!
IMPRESARIO: Hmm... Might as well make the most of this. MUSIC!!
(Battle with Ultros begins.)
ULTROS: Long time no see! You've changed! Did ya miss me?
YUFFIE: In the same way that you get used to a boil on the bottom of your foot over time and then keep walking funny to avoid stepping on it even after it's gone, maybe....
(When Ultros is defeated,)
(Ultros) What an unlucky day! Adios!
(Ultros vanishes, leaving the party with 2 GP. Battle ends.)
TIFA: What a cheapskate!
(Voice) Just a darn minute! What a performance!!
IMPRESARIO: SETZER!
SETZER: I'm a man of my word, music man!
CELES: That's HIM...?!
YUFFIE: (as Celes) I can't believe I ever objected to this plan. He's a total BABE!
(SETZER snatches CELES and rises away with her.
AERIS: "Rises" away with her? What, did he float silently upwards and then melt THROUGH THE CEILING? This is getting scary...!
CID: Maybe he flew into the opera house with his airship...?
YUFFIE: In that case, he just ripped apart the entire freakin' top half of the building!
The others are gone too. Impresario is alone on the stage.)
IMPRESARIO: What a reversal! Thinking she's LOCKE's new queen, Maria is instead nabbed by SETZER! What fate lies in store for her! Stay tuned for Part II!
CLOUD: (as Impressario) And remember to buy snacks in the lobby!
RENO: I'd MUCH rather see this stuff than the actual opera itself!
(In a room in SETZER's airship, the Blackjack. CELES is thrown through the door and it closes.)
TIFA: THROWN through the door? What a gentelman...
SETZER: I'll deal with you in a minute!
RENO: (as Setzer) BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(CELES winks. She walks over to the opening in the floor, and LOCKE and the rest of the party jump up from it.)
ALL: (as Locke and the rest of the party) SURPRISE!! Happy Birthday to you...
LOCKE: What a performance!
CELES: Enough already!
TIFA: (as Celes) And STOP lookin' down my damn cleavage!
LOCKE: But this is the tough one! Part II begins now! ... Where's SETZER?
CELES: He's coming.
(SETZER runs into the room.)
ALL: OUCH!
SETZER: W...who're YOU? You're not Maria!
CLOUD: What gave it away, Gambler-Man--the fact that she's holding a sword and wearing armour, or the fact that she's currently holding said sword right at your throat?
YUFFIE: But I thought that was the way Maria acted all the time anyway.
CELES: SETZER, we need your help. We have to go to Vector. We need this ship to get there.
AERIS: Why is meeting with a talking crocodile who wears a headset all day long going to help them?!
(OTHERS look at her funny)
AERIS: It's from one of the Sonic the Hedgehog games! Vector, the Crocodile! Sheesh...
SETZER: Look, if you're not Maria, I don't want you aboard.
TIFA: Picky little thing, ain't he?
CELES: Wait! We were told your ship is the finest vessel in the world.
YUFFIE: It's certainly the gaudiest. The damn thing's done up like a floating casino!
LOCKE: And that you were the world's most notorious gambler...
RENO: And this is supposed to help them HOW..?
CLOUD: (singing) Lord, I was born a gambling maaaaa-haaannn...
AERIS: Is it just me, or is there something weirdly appropriate about a guy named "Reno" making fun of a gambler? Hmmm...
(If EDGAR is there,)
EDGAR: I'm King EDGAR of Figaro. If you cooperate, you'll be well rewarded.
CLOUD: (as Edgar) In the sense of, I won't chop your head off just yet.
SETZER: Come here.
TIFA: (as Setzer, to Edgar) And gimme a kiss, ya big lug!
CELES: Yeah...
SETZER: Don't misunderstand me. I'm still not sure if I'm going to help you.
(In a different part of the Blackjack.)
SETZER: Phew... The Empire's made me a rich man.
CID: (as Setzer) I can buy all the silver hair-dye I want!
CELES: Stop thinking of yourself. Many towns and villages have been smashed by the Empire.
LOCKE: The Empire's also totally rotten! It's using magic to enslave the world.
(If EDGAR is there,)
EDGAR: The Empire and my realm were allies...until recently.
CLOUD: (as Edgar) Yeah, having your home castle set on fire will do that to a relationship...
SETZER: The Empire...evil...?
CELES: We all hate the Empire for the same reasons. That's why...
SETZER: You know, you're even more stunning than Maria.
YUFFIE: Ooohhhh, puuuurrrrr! I wouldn't at all mind Setzie telling ME I'm stunning...grrrroooowwrrrr....
CELES: ????
SETZER: Enough!
RENO: (as Setzer) Quit question-marking at me!
If you... If Celes becomes my wife, I'll help. Otherwise...
LOCKE: WHAT! Are you stupid!?
CELES: We haven't any choice.
TIFA: (as Celes) And besides, if you think I'm gonna give up a catch like THIS, with looks, money, connections AND a cool vehicle, then you can kiss my grits!
SETZER: Yes! It's settled!
CELES: But I have conditions...
CLOUD: (as Celes) No ingesting Mako and turning into a super-villian, no burning down villages, and absolutely NO casting Meteor.
CID: (as Setzer) Awwww....darn...
(If EDGAR is there, CELES gets a coin from him.)
CELES: We'll decide with a coin toss. If it's heads, you'll help us.
If it's tails, I'll go with you. Well, Mr. Gambler...?
SETZER: Oho! Fine! I accept!
AERIS: INSTANTLY latching on to anything at all that even vaguely smacks of gambling...
LOCKER: Listen to yourself! CELES...you can't become his wife! You just can't!
YUFFIE: (as Celes) Why not? He's a BABE!
RENO: THANK you, we COVERED that...
TIFA: LOCKER?! Hee, hee! Now THAT'S a goofy name.
CELES: Ready?
(CELES tosses the coin.)
CLOUD: It shoots straight through the roof of the Blackjack and keeps going, into outer space.
CID: Wow. Those genetically-engineered types sure are strong, aren't they?
TIFA: WAIT a minute...I just realised how scary a pairing this would be! Celes has Sephiroth's background, or parts of it, and Setzer has his looks! What if they DID get married and have a kid?!
(ALL pause and think for a second)
YUFFIE: RUN, Celes! Run like the wind!!
CELES: I win! Now, honor your part of the bargain!
SETZER: How...unusual! A coin with identical sides...!
RENO: Oh, come, ON! I'm so SURE he's never seen one of those before!
AERIS: I'll bet he USES one all the time, in fact.
(If EDGAR and SABIN are there,)
SABIN: That coin...!? EDGAR!!! Don't tell me...!
YUFFIE: For those of you who didn't just figure it out; this is the same coin that Edgar tossed when they were determining who was going to get the throne. He said that if it came up heads, he'd be King and Sabin would be free to go. And of course, BOTH sides were heads.
AERIS: And now, back to our regularly scheduled commercials.
CELES: I think you've been hustled, Mr. Gambler.
SETZER: Ha! How low can you get?! I love it! Alright, I'll help you. Nothing to lose but my life... My life is a chip in your pile! Ante up!
CLOUD: Well, at least he's cheerful and good-natured about the fact that they just conned him with the oldest trick in the book!
(In the town of Vector. A man is standing next to some boxes.)
(Man) Shh! I'm a Returner sympathizer!
(Surprised.)
CLOUD: Who is? The boxes?!
(Man) I've heard of you! While I distract the soldiers, climb onto the steel tower from this box, and enter the facility! All ready?
(Party climbs up on the raftors. Man approaches soldiers.)
CID: And again, I want to know what refugees from Jurassic Park are doing here...
(Man) I...I'm gonna be sick!
(Soldier) Get outta here!
(Man) Urghh... Gonna toss it all...
(Soldier) Hey...
(Party sneaks over the soldiers and into the Magitek Research
Facility.)
YUFFIE: And on the way, they give the man a Digestive and recieve a bottle of Sexy Cologne.
